AdagesAdages, NormalCharlie Sheen7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National Red...A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified tojudge the work of creative men. There is lo...A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big topwhen a scrawny little man entered the tent and walk...A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damnedthings is ample. -- Rebecca WestA critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste. -- Whitney BalliettA diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing himwhat he meant. -- Wilson MiznerA fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block ofmarble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. A hard-luck actor who appeared in one coloossal disaster after anotherfinally got a break, a broken leg to be ex...A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone. "Hello?" his friend answers. "Hi!" says the m...A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of anew theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy atthe death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played ...A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions ofPBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid o...A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself. -- Don Marquis A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift toMadonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. -- Michael Winner, British film directorA true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his motherdrudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art. -- ShawA writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we callwhat he writes fiction. -- William FaulknerA yawn is a silent shout. -- G.K. ChestertonA young man wrote to Mozart and said:Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any ...Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laughand cry. If I have to cry, I think of...Actor Real NameBoris Karloff William Henry PrattCary Grant Archibald LeachEdward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenb...Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done somethingstrange and extravagant, and broken t...After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. It wasreplaced by disco, which offers no gu...Alex Haley was adopted!All art is but imitation of nature. -- Lucius Annaeus SenecaAn actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening. -- Marlon BrandoAn artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, buttelevision's message has always been that the...Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a representationof contemporary reality cannot be ...Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it. "Are you police officers?" "No, ma'am. We're musicians." -- The Blues BrothersAround the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrotea satirical zoological-fantasy called ...Art is a jealous mistress. -- Ralph Waldo EmersonArt is a lie which makes us realize the truth. -- PicassoArt is anything you can get away with. -- Marshall McLuhan.Art is either plagiarism or revolution. -- Paul GauguinArt is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. -- ChazalArt is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.As a goatherd learns his trade by goat, so a writer learns his trade by wrote.Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking alamp-post how it feels about dogs. -- Christopher HamptonAuthors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whateverdepths they were once able to plumb. -- Stanley KaufmanAuthors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children. -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges! -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violentand original in your work. -- FlaubertBeing a mime means never having to say you're sorry."Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>Ben, why didn't you tell me? -- Luke Skywalker"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" -- Time BanditsBest Mistakes In Films In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully listsfour of the cinema's gr...BS: You remind me of a man.B: What man?BS: The man with the power.B: What power?BS: The power of voodoo.B: Voodoo...Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. -- Ken WeaverBut if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectablenowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some pro...But you shall not escape my iambics. -- Gaius Valerius CatullusCan't act. Slightly bald. Also dances. -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test. Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold! -- Princess Leia OrganaDid you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilotthat shot down the Korean jet? At one point h...Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.Don't everyone thank me at once! -- Han SoloDustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Cl...Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult. -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed.E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. -- Fred AllenEeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! -- Bullwinkle MooseElwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing? -- Rich LittleEveryone is in the best seat. -- John CageFame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and anautograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. -- Marlo ThomasFast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? -- Han Solo"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order" -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified atthe results of this evening's experiment...For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min. Lean's version of the Oxford...FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET: Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart'...FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER: This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an ...FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min. Godar...FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37 Can you name the seven seas? Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South A...Fremen add life to spice! FROM THE DESK OF Dorothy Gale Auntie Em: Hate you. Hate Kansas. Taking the dog. DorothyG. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. Oneof these days a London producer will go int...Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall onour heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! -- Adventures of AsterixGeorge Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one ofhis plays to Winston Churchill with the f...Go ahead... make my day. -- Dirty HarryGod help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more that you tryto find success, the more that you will fail. -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System EffectGod is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephantand the cat. He has no real style, He j...God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader'sleash. I thought I recognized your foul sten...GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his placeof residence.Grig (the navigator): ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space armada.Alex (the gunner): ...H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. Mencken --there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. -- Maxwell Bodenheim "Hawk, we're going to die." "Never say die... and certainly never say we." -- M*A*S*HHe played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. -- John Mason Brown, drama criticHe was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. -- Jonathan Swift"Hello," he lied. -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agentHello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will youplease have your master call my master a...Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax. You wannahelp on the audit now? -- "The Rockford Files"Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.The exhibit includes sever...Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. -- Rex ReedHoly Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?Will the Joker and the Riddler have the ...How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.Humpty Dumpty was pushed.I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some peopleare terrified of the bomb. But then som...I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human. -- David BowieI am a deeply superficial person. -- Andy WarholI believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiacthought, it will be possible to systemat...I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write anovel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. -- Fred AllenI didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything! -- Bart SimpsonI didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The curtainwas up.I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talkand says the wrong things. Talking's s...I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. -- Elvis PresleyI dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business onearth, like the male spider, who is kill...I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were smalland rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if...I have a very strange feeling about this... -- Luke Skywalker"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets E...I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalentof a prostate operation. -- Malcolm MuggeridgeI have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole ____BODY! -- from "Cerebus" #82I knew her before she was a virgin. -- Oscar Levant, on Doris DayI never failed to convince an audience that the best thing theycould do was to go away.I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong. -- Lucy Van PeltI often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. -- G. B. ShawI played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kindof name that was popular in the '60s as ...I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize thereader. But if I find that I cannot t...I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in themorning. A black porter was carrying my b...I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office to mail a letter,met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar, and didn't come back for 20 years.I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid neverspoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that deserve a series?I stick my neck out for nobody. -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me tosee him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. -- Shirley TempleI suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookie win. -- C3P0 "I suppose you expect me to talk." "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die." -- GoldfingerI think we're in trouble. -- Han SoloI think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. -- EscherI truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anythingconstructive, but in all honesty I'd ...I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused. -- Elvis CostelloI was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford adesk. Then I saw her. This tall blond...I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave itin the room alone.I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. Ifpeople are disillusioned by that remark, I...I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song. -- Fred ReussI WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Draculaand Superman away. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's aknob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work. -- GallagherI'd just as soon kiss a Wookie. -- Princess Leia OrganaI'll be Grateful when they're Dead.I'll never get off this planet. -- Luke SkywalkerI'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started outwith twenty-eight years ago. -- Will RogersI've got a very bad feeling about this. -- Han Solo I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off...If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul BeattyIf an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,and starts telling you her tale, you tur...If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by some means abridged, it will soonfall into disuse. -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three to a can.If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.If I had any humility I would be perfect. -- Ted TurnerIf I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you froma laboratory jar at Harvard. -- Frank Sin...If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. -- Bob HopeIf it ain't baroque, don't phiques it.If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,I would take that particular work of mine...If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficientevidence of a poetic nature, do not forg...If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. -- Louis ArmstrongIf you lose a son you can always get another, but there's only oneMaltese Falcon. -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time someone pullsout a sword I'd like to see you get up there with your Bic.If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that'sread by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves. -- Don MarquisImitation is the sincerest form of television. -- Fred AllenImmature artists imitate, mature artists steal. -- Lionel TrillingImmature poets imitate, mature poets steal. -- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live togetherafterwards that causes the problems. -- Shelley WintersIn Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it. -- Rex ReedIn just seven days, I can make you a man! -- The Rocky Horror Picture ShowIn my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extendingyour left leg, it's modern architecture. -- Nancy Banks SmithIn Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words inthe proper order then why can't he?In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls thewagon train forms a circle, and a campfi...It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown cameout to inform the public. They thought ...It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had beendead for two years. -- Tom LehrerIt is difficult to produce a television documentary that is bothincisive and probing when every twelve minutes on...It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve astatue, and so to make a few objects beaut...It is up to us to produce better-quality movies. -- Lloyd Kaufman, producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woodsto Grandmother's condo.It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. Get into that garbage chute,flyboy! -- Princess Leia OrganaIt proves what they say, give the public what they want to see andthey'll come out for it. -- Red Skelton, surve...It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. -- Robert BenchleyIt was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.It'll be just like Beggars' Canyon back home. -- Luke SkywalkerIt's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. -- Mick JaggerIt's clever, but is it art?It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line. -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam""It's kind of fun to do the impossible." -- Walt DisneyIt's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. -- Sam GoldwynIt's not easy, being green. -- Kermit the FrogIt's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. -- GarfieldIV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for w...James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his totalindifference to public notice to be universally recognized. -- Tom StoppardJames McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother")failure in his West Point chemistry examination once pro...Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it backeast here: TV -- a clever contraction deri...Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.You don't have five-hundred dollars. You hav...Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna payyou the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you ...Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, andI gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He ...Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named AngelMartin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And...JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!(George and Ringo miffed.)Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything. -- Bob DylanJust close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think toyourself, `There's no place like home.' -- Glynda the GoodJust once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article ofblue denim. If only they could see the...Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn'timmune to bullets. -- The Brigadier, "Dr. Who"Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing hisduties to the new man, Lamonte pointed... Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family shelived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of...Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar. -- S.J. PerelmanLensmen eat Jedi for breakfast. Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island andtries to hide behind a beard. No good. There ...Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what wasgoing on without bothering everybody with a ...Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks thecreativity chambers in people's brains, and l...Linus: Hi! I thought it was you. I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!Snoopy: That's nic...Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe we should think only about today.Charlie B...Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. -- James DeanLive from New York ... It's Saturday Night!Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do. Can't you be serious for once?Snoopy: She is right! I think...Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser. -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!Mandrell: "You know what I think?"Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you don't think, right?" -- Dr. WhoMany of the characters are fools and they are always playingtricks on me and treating me badly. -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon WinokurMaryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people onthe dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. I...Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it! -- Monty Python"Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been watchingChannel 4 on the thing for two weeks."Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you outof Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. -- CasablancaMike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO inconsiderate." -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuadethemselves that they have a better idea. -- John CiardiMos Eisley Spaceport; you will never find a more wretched hive of scumand villainy... -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and ContemporaryEtiquette. We aren't going to call again!...Mr. Rockford? Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got yourrenewal before the extended deadline but not...Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours fromthe Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don...Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Couldyou call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it! -- "The Rockford Files"My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw myamplifier out the dormitory window. W..."My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?" -- MadameXMy tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked. -- Peter Stack, movie reviewHis performance is so w...No Civil War picture ever made a nickel. -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about film right...No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. It should be of the hill,belonging to it. -- Frank Lloyd WrightNo poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most ofthem wish they were the only one alive,...No two persons ever read the same book. -- Edmund Wilson"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'" -- Dr. WhoNobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. -- Tallulah BankheadNOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!Noone ever built a statue to a critic.Not all who own a harp are harpers. -- Marcus Terentius VarroNotes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter ofwings, and a group of wild swans flies ...Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and outof dangerous situations -- I work for a fede...Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.Old musicians never die, they just decompose.Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes howweak he is. -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"One big pile is better than two little piles. -- Arlo GuthrieOprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people totalk to. And you just HAVE to watch it.... Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else intown could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.People in general do not willingly read if they have anything else toamuse them. -- S. JohnsonPerhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certainunsoundness of mind. -- Thomas MacaulayPlato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopiabecause they were liars. The truth was tha...Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table. -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they'reof no interest except to fetishists. L...Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that'sleft ...Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-dayMcDonal...Prizes are for children. -- Charles Ives, upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prizeProducers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.And there's no reason for it. So what i...Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicatorof sociopathic tendencies. -- ZosoPublishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down theGrand Canyon and waiting for the echo.Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.Rascal, am I? Take THAT! -- Errol FlynnRecently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" afterhis death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting nex...Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with ourextraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. R..."Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it." -- Dave BarrySatire is tragedy plus time. -- Lenny BruceSatire is what closes in New Haven.Satire is what closes Saturday night. -- George Kaufman'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky! -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) HendrixShe ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'. -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing,you should hear me play piano.'" -- MorriseyShe was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget isgood at being short. -- Clive James, on Marilyn MonroeShhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...Show business is just like high school, except you get paid. -- Martin MullSir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable. -- C3P0Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objectssuch as wickerwork picnic baskets. Im...Smile! You're on Candid Camera.Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? -- Indiana Jones, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hoursshooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their a...So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.A trap -- walled by duty, and locke... So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting...Some men who fear that they are playing second fiddle aren't in theband at all.Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but whenyou finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse. -- Avery"Spare no expense to save money on this one." -- Samuel GoldwynStar Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;Star Trek can turn your brains to puree... "Surely you can't be serious." "I am serious, and stop calling me Shirley." -- "Airplane"Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. -- Laurie AndersonTallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank. -- John Mason Brown, drama criticTelevision -- the longest amateur night in history. -- Robert CarsonTelevision has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs. -- Alfred HitchcockTelevision has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other. -- Ann LandersTelevision is a medium because anything well done is rare. -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie KovacsTelevision is now so desperately hungry for material that it is scrapingthe top of the barrel. -- Gore VidalTen years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing. -- R. GeisThat's no moon... -- Obi-wan KenobiThe Angels want to wear my red shoes. -- E. CostelloThe best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --but doesn't. -- Tom Crichton The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't justsay it's pictures of people naked. For example,...The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us betterpeople, and don't come in clearly enough. -- Bill MaherThe capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastlygreater than that of any other animals. Some ...The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense -- PicassoThe covers of this book are too far apart. -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce.The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume. -- T.K.The faster we go, the rounder we get. -- The Grateful DeadThe first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. -- Dorothy ParkerThe Great Movie Posters:*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- p...The Great Movie Posters:A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of anunimaginable hell. -- T...The Great Movie Posters:An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS! -- Squirm (1976)Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.This ...The Great Movie Posters:Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREED...The Great Movie Posters:HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE! -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)W...The Great Movie Posters:HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS! -- The Cycle Savages (1969)The Hand that Rocks the Cradle....The Great Movie Posters:KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girlof the Ozarks... "Lo...The Great Movie Posters:POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED! -- Never Take C...The Great Movie Posters:SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU-- NARCOT...The Great Movie Posters:SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and v...The Great Movie Posters:SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hogon a roaring rampage o...The Great Movie Posters:She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West! -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Ben...The Great Movie Posters:The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms! -- Bwana Devil (19...The Great Movie Posters:The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizinghorror on a screaming ...The Great Movie Posters:They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-...The Great Movie Posters:When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make Friends... -- Namu...The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars." -- Johnny CarsonThe horror... the horror!The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion forlists of "Ten Best". -- H. Allen SmithThe human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the momentyou are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. -- Sir George Jessel"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy andhas gills through which it can see." -- Monty PythonThe key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To revealan artist to the people can be to destroy ...The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away. -- Governor TarkinThe mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. -- Nicol WilliamsonThe old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-oldsis of course a shameful canard. The key age ...The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the readercatch his own breath. -- Elizabeth Clarkson ZwartThe only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism. -- Dorothy ParkerThe only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. -- David LardnerThe profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,stable business. -- John Steinbeck [Horse racing *is* a stable business ...]The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.The story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have beenchanged to protect the innocent.The streets were dark with something more than night. -- Raymond ChandlerThe sun never sets on those who ride into it. -- RKOThe trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. -- Ken KeseyThe typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no moreannoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. -- Oscar WildeThe ultimate game show will be the one where somebody gets killed at the end. -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are notdesigned for people who walk on their hands. -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"The Worst Musical Trio There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital ata famous concert hall wh...There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you needthe money; the second that you have some...There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knowswhat they are. -- Somerset MaughamThere are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and playtogether for years, virtually insepara...There are two ways of disliking art. One is to dislike it. The other isto like it rationally. -- Oscar WildeThere are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, theother is to read Pope. -- Oscar WildeThere is much Obi-Wan did not tell you. -- Darth VaderThere is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it is done in privateand you wash your hands afterward.There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, andthat is not being talked about. -- Oscar WildeThere's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision torecognize when a job, a life stage, a relation...There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the rightkeys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. -- J.S. BachThere's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein. -- Red SmithThere's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil. -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God! -- The Blues Brothers... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseupontheh...This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) -- Found on a door in the MSU music buildingThis is Jim Rockford.At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.This is Maria, Liberty Bail B...This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, brin...This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force. -- Dorothy ParkerThis unit... must... survive.This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terriblewith raisins in it. -- Dorothy Parker Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scenefrom Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll pl...Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write. -- TrollopeTo be is to do. -- I. KantTo do is to be. -- A. SartreDo be a Do Bee! -- Miss Connie, Romper RoomDo be do be d...Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great newcereal that gets soggy even without milk..."Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-wordexcept in major motion pictures." -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. -- Han SoloTrifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle. -- Michelangelo"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense."TV is chewing gum for the eyes. -- Frank Lloyd WrightUnprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. -- Edward GibbonUse an accordion. Go to jail. -- KFOG, San FranciscoUse what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birdssang there except those that sang best. -- Henry Van DykeVery few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. Thereason is that very few people do anything... VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This ...Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home. -- Han SoloWe don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out. -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962We have art that we do not die of the truth. -- NietzscheWe'll be recording at the Paradise Friday night. Live, on the Death label. -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, whichpeople are making for you the way they ...We're only in it for the volume. -- Black Sabbath"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*you believe?!" -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.The rides are dilapidated to the point of bein..."Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?""Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... coefficient ofrelevance to Key of Time: zero." -- Dr. WhoWharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a scriptby Wilder and Brackett, and to play w...What an artist dies with me! -- NeroWhat an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque. -- Brendan Francis "What are you watching?" "I don't know." "Well, what's happening?" "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat ...What did you bring that book I didn't want to be read to out of aboutDown Under up for? "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest fantasies?" "You keep it to yourself." -- Broadcast NewsWhat ever happened to happily ever after?What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is workingwhen he's staring out the window. "What was the worst thing you've ever done?" "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing thatever ...When all else fails, try Kate Smith.When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily byreducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand. -- Raymond ChandlerWhen one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,she paused to calculate and replied, "F...Where is John Carson now that we need him? -- RLGWhile he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), ClintEastwood agreed to a television interview. ...Whistler's mother is off her rocker.Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?Who is John Galt?Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?Who was that masked man?Who's on first?Who's scruffy-looking? -- Han SoloWhy am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard? -- Paul Simon"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I couldhave told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing." -- Ian Shoales Why are you doing this to me? Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness beforethere is change. -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should Inot dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange...Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? -- The Tasmanian DevilWorking with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine. -- Christopher PlummerWorth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see.Would it help if I got out and pushed? -- Princess Leia OrganaWriting about music is like dancing about architecture. -- Frank ZappaWriting free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wal...Year Name James Bond Book---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----50's James Bond TV Series...Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty feet. -- John Cheever "You boys lookin' for trouble?" "Sure. Whaddya got?" -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home. -- Han Solo"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks." -- Gary GiddensZero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it! -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"Naked children have never played in _o_u_r fountains, and I.M. Pei willnever be happy on Route 66. -- "Learni... ( /__________/ ) (^ @___..___@ ^)/ / (////) / / (////)/ -( """""""""" ) _____ ... ___ ______ Frobtech, Inc. /__/ ___/_____/ / ..._/I_____________o______________o___/I l * / /_/ * __ ' .* lI"""_____________l______________l___"""... *** ******* ********* ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." ******* ***SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THEMICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR! ___ :. ___/ ... ___====-_ _-====___ _--~~~#####// ' ` \#####~~~--_ -~##########// ( ) \##########~-_ -#######... ___====-_ _-====___ _--~~~#####// \#####~~~--_ _-~##########// ( ) \##########~-_ -####... _-^--^=-_ _.-^^ -~_ _-- --_ < >) | ... _ _ / o / | | o o o | | | | _ o o o o | _| | / o ...You are here: *** *** ********* ******* ***** *** * But you're not all there.BOFH excuse #1:clock speedBOFH excuse #2:solar flaresBOFH excuse #3:electromagnetic radiation from satellite debrisBOFH excuse #4:static from nylon underwearBOFH excuse #5:static from plastic slide rulesBOFH excuse #6:global warmingBOFH excuse #7:poor power conditioningBOFH excuse #8:static buildupBOFH excuse #9:doppler effectBOFH excuse #10:hardware stress fracturesBOFH excuse #11:magnetic interference from money/credit cardsBOFH excuse #12:dry joints on cable plugBOFH excuse #13:we're waiting for [the phone company] to fix that lineBOFH excuse #14:sounds like a Windows problem, try calling Microsoft supportBOFH excuse #15:temporary routing anomalyBOFH excuse #16:somebody was calculating pi on the serverBOFH excuse #17:fat electrons in the linesBOFH excuse #18:excess surge protectionBOFH excuse #19:floating point processor overflowBOFH excuse #20:divide-by-zero errorBOFH excuse #21:POSIX compliance problemBOFH excuse #22:monitor resolution too highBOFH excuse #23:improperly oriented keyboardBOFH excuse #24:network packets travelling uphill (use a carrier pigeon)BOFH excuse #25:Decreasing electron fluxBOFH excuse #26:first Saturday after first full moon in WinterBOFH excuse #27:radiosity depletionBOFH excuse #28:CPU radiator brokenBOFH excuse #29:It works the way the Wang did, what's the problemBOFH excuse #30:positron router malfunctionBOFH excuse #31:cellular telephone interferenceBOFH excuse #32:techtonic stressBOFH excuse #33:piezo-electric interferenceBOFH excuse #34:(l)user errorBOFH excuse #35:working as designedBOFH excuse #36:dynamic software linking table corruptedBOFH excuse #37:heavy gravity fluctuation, move computer to floor rapidlyBOFH excuse #38:secretary plugged hairdryer into UPSBOFH excuse #39:terrorist activitiesBOFH excuse #40:not enough memory, go get system upgradeBOFH excuse #41:interrupt configuration errorBOFH excuse #42:spaghetti cable cause packet failureBOFH excuse #43:boss forgot system passwordBOFH excuse #44:bank holiday - system operating credits not rechargedBOFH excuse #45:virus attack, luser responsibleBOFH excuse #46:waste water tank overflowed onto computerBOFH excuse #47:Complete Transient LockoutBOFH excuse #48:bad ether in the cablesBOFH excuse #49:Bogon emissionsBOFH excuse #50:Change in Earth's rotational speedBOFH excuse #51:Cosmic ray particles crashed through the hard disk platterBOFH excuse #52:Smell from unhygienic janitorial staff wrecked the tape headsBOFH excuse #53:Little hamster in running wheel had coronary; waiting for replacement to be Fedexed from WyomingBOFH excuse #54:Evil dogs hypnotised the night shiftBOFH excuse #55:Plumber mistook routing panel for decorative wall fixtureBOFH excuse #56:Electricians made popcorn in the power supplyBOFH excuse #57:Groundskeepers stole the root passwordBOFH excuse #58:high pressure system failureBOFH excuse #59:failed trials, system needs redesigningBOFH excuse #60:system has been recalledBOFH excuse #61:not approved by the FCCBOFH excuse #62:need to wrap system in aluminum foil to fix problemBOFH excuse #63:not properly grounded, please bury computerBOFH excuse #64:CPU needs recalibrationBOFH excuse #65:system needs to be rebootedBOFH excuse #66:bit bucket overflowBOFH excuse #67:descramble code needed from software companyBOFH excuse #68:only available on a need to know basisBOFH excuse #69:knot in cables caused data stream to become twisted and kinkedBOFH excuse #70:nesting roaches shorted out the ether cableBOFH excuse #71:The file system is full of itBOFH excuse #72:Satan did itBOFH excuse #73:Daemons did itBOFH excuse #74:You're out of memoryBOFH excuse #75:There isn't any problemBOFH excuse #76:Unoptimized hard driveBOFH excuse #77:Typo in the codeBOFH excuse #78:Yes, yes, its called a design limitationBOFH excuse #79:Look, buddy: Windows 3.1 IS A General Protection Fault.BOFH excuse #80:That's a great computer you have there; have you considered how it would work as a BSD machine?BOFH excuse #81:Please excuse me, I have to circuit an AC line through my head to get this database workingBOFH excuse #82:Yeah, yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete filesBOFH excuse #83:Support staff hung over, send aspirin and come back LATERBOFH excuse #84:Someone is standing on the ethernet cable, causing a kink in the cableBOFH excuse #85:Windows 95 undocumented "feature"BOFH excuse #86:Runt packetsBOFH excuse #87:Password is too complex to decryptBOFH excuse #88:Boss' kid fucked up the machineBOFH excuse #89:Electromagnetic energy lossBOFH excuse #90:Budget cutsBOFH excuse #91:Mouse chewed through power cableBOFH excuse #92:Stale file handle (next time use Tupperware(tm)!)BOFH excuse #93:Feature not yet implementedBOFH excuse #94:Internet outageBOFH excuse #95:Pentium FDIV bugBOFH excuse #96:Vendor no longer supports the productBOFH excuse #97:Small animal kamikaze attack on power suppliesBOFH excuse #98:The vendor put the bug thereBOFH excuse #99:SIMM crosstalkBOFH excuse #100:IRQ dropoutBOFH excuse #101:Collapsed BackboneBOFH excuse #102:Power company testing new voltage spike (creation) equipmentBOFH excuse #103:operators on strike due to broken coffee machineBOFH excuse #104:backup tape overwritten with copy of system manager's favourite CDBOFH excuse #105:UPS interrupted the server's powerBOFH excuse #106:The electrician didn't know what the yellow cable was so he yanked the ethernet outBOFH excuse #107:The keyboard isn't plugged inBOFH excuse #108:The air conditioning water supply pipe ruptured over the machine roomBOFH excuse #109:The electricity substation in the car park blew upBOFH excuse #110:The rolling stones concert down the road caused a brown outBOFH excuse #111:The salesman drove over the CPU boardBOFH excuse #112:The monitor is plugged into the serial portBOFH excuse #113:Root nameservers are out of syncBOFH excuse #114:electro-magnetic pulses from French above ground nuke testingBOFH excuse #115:your keyboard's space bar is generating spurious keycodesBOFH excuse #116:the real ttys became pseudo ttys and vice-versaBOFH excuse #117:the printer thinks it's a routerBOFH excuse #118:the router thinks it's a printerBOFH excuse #119:evil hackers from SerbiaBOFH excuse #120:we just switched to FDDIBOFH excuse #121:halon system went off and killed the operatorsBOFH excuse #122:because Bill Gates is a Jehovah's witness and so nothing can work on St. Swithin's dayBOFH excuse #123:user to computer ratio too highBOFH excuse #124:user to computer ratio too lowBOFH excuse #125:we just switched to SprintBOFH excuse #126:it has Intel InsideBOFH excuse #127:Sticky bits on diskBOFH excuse #128:Power Company having EMP problems with their reactorBOFH excuse #129:The ring needs another tokenBOFH excuse #130:new managementBOFH excuse #131:telnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Connection refusedBOFH excuse #132:SCSI Chain overterminatedBOFH excuse #133:It's not plugged inBOFH excuse #134:because of network lag due to too many people playing deathmatchBOFH excuse #135:You put the disk in upside downBOFH excuse #136:Daemons loose in systemBOFH excuse #137:User was distributing pornography on server; system seized by FBIBOFH excuse #138:BNC (brain not connected)BOFH excuse #139:UBNC (user brain not connected)BOFH excuse #140:LBNC (luser brain not connected)BOFH excuse #141:disks spinning backwards - toggle the hemisphere jumperBOFH excuse #142:new guy cross-connected phone lines with ac power busBOFH excuse #143:had to use hammer to free stuck disk drive headsBOFH excuse #144:Too few computrons availableBOFH excuse #145:Flat tire on station wagon with tapes. ("Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon fu...BOFH excuse #146:Communications satellite used by the military for star warsBOFH excuse #147:Party-bug in the Aloha protocolBOFH excuse #148:Insert coin for new gameBOFH excuse #149:Dew on the telephone linesBOFH excuse #150:Arcserve crashed the server againBOFH excuse #151:Some one needed the powerstrip, so they pulled the switch plugBOFH excuse #152:My pony-tail hit the on/off switch on the power stripBOFH excuse #153:Big to little endian conversion errorBOFH excuse #154:You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish (from most tunefs man pages)BOFH excuse #155:Dumb terminalBOFH excuse #156:Zombie processes haunting the computerBOFH excuse #157:Incorrect time synchronizationBOFH excuse #158:Defunct processesBOFH excuse #159:Stubborn processesBOFH excuse #160:non-redundant fan failure BOFH excuse #161:monitor VLF leakageBOFH excuse #162:bugs in the RAIDBOFH excuse #163:no "any" key on keyboardBOFH excuse #164:root rotBOFH excuse #165:Backbone ScoliosisBOFH excuse #166:/pub/lunchBOFH excuse #167:excessive collisions & not enough packet ambulancesBOFH excuse #168:le0: no carrier: transceiver cable problem?BOFH excuse #169:broadcast packets on wrong frequencyBOFH excuse #170:popper unable to process jumbo kernelBOFH excuse #171:NOTICE: alloc: /dev/null: filesystem fullBOFH excuse #172:pseudo-user on a pseudo-terminalBOFH excuse #173:Recursive traversal of loopback mount pointsBOFH excuse #174:Backbone adjustmentBOFH excuse #175:OS swapped to diskBOFH excuse #176:vapors from evaporating sticky-note adhesivesBOFH excuse #177:sticktionBOFH excuse #178:short leg on process tableBOFH excuse #179:multicasts on broken packetsBOFH excuse #180:ether leakBOFH excuse #181:Atilla the HubBOFH excuse #182:endothermal recalibrationBOFH excuse #183:filesystem not big enough for Jumbo Kernel PatchBOFH excuse #184:loop found in loop in redundant loopbackBOFH excuse #185:system consumed all the paper for pagingBOFH excuse #186:permission deniedBOFH excuse #187:Reformatting Page. Wait...BOFH excuse #188:..disk or the processor is on fireBOFH excuse #189:SCSI's too wideBOFH excuse #190:Proprietary InformationBOFH excuse #191:Just type 'mv * /dev/null'BOFH excuse #192:runaway cat on systemBOFH excuse #193:Did you pay the new Support Fee?BOFH excuse #194:We only support a 1200 bps connectionBOFH excuse #195:We only support a 28000 bps connectionBOFH excuse #196:Me no internet, only janitor, me just wax floorsBOFH excuse #197:I'm sorry a pentium wont do, you need an SGI to connect with usBOFH excuse #198:Post-it Note Sludge leaked into the monitorBOFH excuse #199:the curls in your keyboard cord are losing electricityBOFH excuse #200:The monitor needs another box of pixelsBOFH excuse #201:RPC_PMAP_FAILUREBOFH excuse #202:kernel panic: write-only-memory (/dev/wom0) capacity exceeded.BOFH excuse #203:Write-only-memory subsystem too slow for this machine, contact your local dealerBOFH excuse #204:Just pick up the phone and give modem connect sounds. "Well you said we should get more lines so we don't have voice lines."BOFH excuse #205:Quantum dynamics are affecting the transistorsBOFH excuse #206:Police are examining all internet packets in the search for a narco-net-traffickerBOFH excuse #207:We are currently trying a new concept of using a live mouse. Unfortunately, one has yet to survi...BOFH excuse #208:Your mail is being routed through Germany... and they're censoring usBOFH excuse #209:Only people with names beginning with 'A' are getting mail this week (a la Microsoft)BOFH excuse #210:We didn't pay the Internet bill and it's been cut off.BOFH excuse #211:Lightning strikesBOFH excuse #212:Of course it doesn't work, we've performed a software upgradeBOFH excuse #213:Change your language to FinnishBOFH excuse #214:Fluorescent lights are generating negative ions. If turning them off doesn't work, take them out and put tin foil on the ends.BOFH excuse #215:High nuclear activity in your areaBOFH excuse #216:What office are you in? Oh, that one. Did you know that your building was built over the univers...BOFH excuse #217:The MGs ran out of gasBOFH excuse #218:The UPS doesn't have a battery backupBOFH excuse #219:Recursivity, call back if it happens againBOFH excuse #220:Someone thought The Big Red Button was a light switchBOFH excuse #221:The mainframe needs to rest, it's getting old, you knowBOFH excuse #222:I'm not sure, try calling the Internet's head office -- it's in the bookBOFH excuse #223:The lines are all busy (busied out, that is -- why let them in to begin with?)BOFH excuse #224:Jan 9 16:41:27 huber su: 'su root' succeeded for .... on /dev/pts/1BOFH excuse #225:It's those computer people in X {city of world}, they keep stuffing things upBOFH excuse #226:A star wars satellite accidently blew up the WANBOFH excuse #227:Fatal error right in front of screenBOFH excuse #228:That function is not currently supported, but Bill Gates assures us it will be featured in the next upgradeBOFH excuse #229:wrong polarity of neutron flowBOFH excuse #230:Lusers learning curve appears to be fractalBOFH excuse #231:We had to turn off that service to comply with the CDA BillBOFH excuse #232:Ionization from the air-conditioningBOFH excuse #233:TCP/IP UDP alarm threshold is set too lowBOFH excuse #234:Someone is broadcasting pygmy packets and the router doesn't know how to deal with themBOFH excuse #235:The new frame relay network hasn't bedded down the software loop transmitter yetBOFH excuse #236:Fanout dropping voltage too much, try cutting some of those little tracesBOFH excuse #237:Plate voltage too low on demodulator tubeBOFH excuse #238:You did wha... oh _dear_....BOFH excuse #239:CPU needs bearings repackedBOFH excuse #240:Too many little pins on CPU confusing it, bend back and forth until 10-20% are neatly removed. Do _not_ leave metal bits visible!BOFH excuse #241:_Rosin_ core solder? But...BOFH excuse #242:Software uses US measurements, but the OS is in metric...BOFH excuse #243:The computer fleetly, mouse and allBOFH excuse #244:Your cat tried to eat the mouseBOFH excuse #245:The Borg tried to assimilate your system, resistance is futileBOFH excuse #246:It must have been the lightning storm we had (yesterday) (last week) (last month)BOFH excuse #247:Due to Federal Budget problems we have been forced to cut back on the number of users able to ac...BOFH excuse #248:Too much radiation coming from the soilBOFH excuse #249:Unfortunately we have run out of bits/bytes/whatever. Don't worry, the next supply will be coming next week.BOFH excuse #250:Program load too heavy for processor to liftBOFH excuse #251:Processes running slowly due to weak power supplyBOFH excuse #252:Our ISP is having {switching,routing,SMDS,frame relay} problemsBOFH excuse #253:We've run out of licensesBOFH excuse #254:Interference from lunar radiationBOFH excuse #255:Standing room only on the busBOFH excuse #256:You need to install an RTFM interfaceBOFH excuse #257:That would be because the software doesn't workBOFH excuse #258:That's easy to fix, but I can't be botheredBOFH excuse #259:Someone's tie is caught in the printer, and if anything else gets printed, he'll be in it tooBOFH excuse #260:We're upgrading /dev/nullBOFH excuse #261:The Usenet news is out of dateBOFH excuse #262:Our POP server was kidnapped by a weaselBOFH excuse #263:It's stuck in the WebBOFH excuse #264:Your modem doesn't speak EnglishBOFH excuse #265:The mouse escapedBOFH excuse #266:All of the packets are emptyBOFH excuse #267:The UPS is on strikeBOFH excuse #268:Neutrino overload on the nameserverBOFH excuse #269:Melting hard drivesBOFH excuse #270:Someone has messed up the kernel pointersBOFH excuse #271:The kernel license has expiredBOFH excuse #272:Netscape has crashedBOFH excuse #273:The cord jumped over and hit the power switchBOFH excuse #274:It was OK before you touched itBOFH excuse #275:Bit rotBOFH excuse #276:U.S. Postal ServiceBOFH excuse #277:Your Flux Capacitor has gone badBOFH excuse #278:The Dilithium Crystals need to be rotatedBOFH excuse #279:The static electricity routing is acting up...BOFH excuse #280:Traceroute says that there is a routing problem in the backbone, it's not our problemBOFH excuse #281:The co-locator cannot verify the frame-relay gateway to the ISDN serverBOFH excuse #282:High altitude condensation from U.S.A.F prototype aircraft has contaminated the primary subnet m...BOFH excuse #283:Lawn mower blade in your fan need sharpeningBOFH excuse #284:Electrons on a benderBOFH excuse #285:Telecommunications is upgradingBOFH excuse #286:Telecommunications is downgradingBOFH excuse #287:Telecommunications is downshiftingBOFH excuse #288:Hard drive sleeping, let it wake up on it's own...BOFH excuse #289:Interference between the keyboard and the chairBOFH excuse #290:The CPU has shifted, and become decentralizedBOFH excuse #291:Due to the CDA, we no longer have a root accountBOFH excuse #292:We ran out of dial tone and we're and waiting for the phone company to deliver another bottleBOFH excuse #293:You must've hit the wrong any keyBOFH excuse #294:PCMCIA slave driverBOFH excuse #295:The Token fell out of the ring, call us when you find itBOFH excuse #296:The hardware bus needs a new tokenBOFH excuse #297:Too many interruptsBOFH excuse #298:Not enough interruptsBOFH excuse #299:The data on your hard drive is out of balanceBOFH excuse #300:Digital Manipulator exceeding velocity parametersBOFH excuse #301:appears to be a Slow/Narrow SCSI-0 Interface problemBOFH excuse #302:microelectronic Riemannian curved-space fault in write-only file systemBOFH excuse #303:fractal radiation jamming the backboneBOFH excuse #304:routing problems on the neural netBOFH excuse #305:IRQ-problems with the Un-Interruptible-Power-SupplyBOFH excuse #306:CPU-angle has to be adjusted because of vibrations coming from the nearby roadBOFH excuse #307:emissions from GSM-phonesBOFH excuse #308:CD-ROM server needs recalibrationBOFH excuse #309:firewall needs coolingBOFH excuse #310:asynchronous inode failureBOFH excuse #311:transient bus protocol violationBOFH excuse #312:incompatible bit-registration operatorsBOFH excuse #313:your process is not ISO 9000 compliantBOFH excuse #314:You need to upgrade your VESA local bus to a MasterCard local busBOFH excuse #315:The recent proliferation of Nuclear TestingBOFH excuse #316:Elves on strike (Why do they call EMAG Elf Magic?)BOFH excuse #317:Internet exceeded Luser level, please wait until a luser logs off before attempting to log back onBOFH excuse #318:Your EMAIL is now being delivered by the USPSBOFH excuse #319:Your computer hasn't been returning all the bits it gets from the InternetBOFH excuse #320:You've been infected by the Telescoping Hubble virusBOFH excuse #321:Scheduled global CPU outageBOFH excuse #322:Your Pentium has a heating problem - try cooling it with ice cold water (Do not turn off your co...BOFH excuse #323:Your processor has processed too many instructions. Turn it off immediately, do not type any commands!!BOFH excuse #324:Your packets were eaten by the terminatorBOFH excuse #325:Your processor does not develop enough heatBOFH excuse #326:We need a licensed electrician to replace the light bulbs in the computer roomBOFH excuse #327:The POP server is out of CokeBOFH excuse #328:Fiber optics caused gas main leakBOFH excuse #329:Server depressed, needs ProzacBOFH excuse #330:quantum decoherenceBOFH excuse #331:those damn raccoons!BOFH excuse #332:suboptimal routing experienceBOFH excuse #333:A plumber is needed, the network drain is cloggedBOFH excuse #334:50% of the manual is in .pdf readme filesBOFH excuse #335:the AA battery in the wallclock sends magnetic interferenceBOFH excuse #336:the xy axis in the trackball is coordinated with the summer solsticeBOFH excuse #337:the butane lighter causes the pincushioningBOFH excuse #338:old inkjet cartridges emanate barium-based fumesBOFH excuse #339:manager in the cable ductBOFH excuse #340:Well fix that in the next (upgrade, update, patch release, service pack)BOFH excuse #341:HTTPD Error 666 : BOFH was hereBOFH excuse #342:HTTPD Error 4004 : very old Intel cpu - insufficient processing powerBOFH excuse #343:The ATM board has run out of 10 pound notes. We are having a whip round to refill it, care to contribute?BOFH excuse #344:Network failure - call NBCBOFH excuse #345:Having to manually track the satelliteBOFH excuse #346:Your/our computer(s) has/have suffered a memory leak, and we are waiting for them to be topped upBOFH excuse #347:The rubber band brokeBOFH excuse #348:We're on Token Ring, and it looks like the token got looseBOFH excuse #349:Stray Alpha Particles from memory packaging caused Hard Memory Error on ServerBOFH excuse #350:paradigm shift...without a clutchBOFH excuse #351:PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)BOFH excuse #352:The cables are not the same lengthBOFH excuse #353:Second-system effectBOFH excuse #354:Chewing gum on /dev/sd3cBOFH excuse #355:Boredom in the Kernel.BOFH excuse #356:the daemons! the daemons! the terrible daemons!BOFH excuse #357:I'd love to help you -- it's just that the Boss won't let me near the computer.BOFH excuse #358:struck by the Good Times virusBOFH excuse #359:YOU HAVE AN I/O ERROR -> Incompetent Operator errorBOFH excuse #360:Your parity check is overdrawn and you're out of cache.BOFH excuse #361:Communist revolutionaries taking over the server room and demanding all the computers in the bui...BOFH excuse #362:Plasma conduit breachBOFH excuse #363:Out of cards on drive D:BOFH excuse #364:Sand fleas eating the Internet cablesBOFH excuse #365:parallel processors running perpendicular todayBOFH excuse #366:ATM cell has no roaming feature turned on, notebooks can't connectBOFH excuse #367:Webmasters kidnapped by evil cultBOFH excuse #368:Failure to adjust for daylight savings timeBOFH excuse #369:Virus transmitted from computer to sysadminsBOFH excuse #370:Virus due to computers having unsafe sexBOFH excuse #371:Incorrectly configured static routes on the coreroutersBOFH excuse #372:Forced to support NT servers; sysadmins quitBOFH excuse #373:Suspicious pointer corrupted virtual machineBOFH excuse #374:It's the InterNIC's faultBOFH excuse #375:Root name servers corruptedBOFH excuse #376:Budget cuts forced us to sell all the power cords for the serversBOFH excuse #377:Someone hooked the twisted pair wires into the answering machineBOFH excuse #378:Operators killed by year 2000 bug biteBOFH excuse #379:We've picked COBOL as the language of choiceBOFH excuse #380:Operators killed when huge stack of backup tapes fell overBOFH excuse #381:Robotic tape changer mistook operator's tie for a backup tapeBOFH excuse #382:Someone was smoking in the computer room and set off the halon systemsBOFH excuse #383:Your processor has taken a ride to Heaven's Gate on the UFO behind Hale-Bopp's cometBOFH excuse #384:it's an ID-10-T errorBOFH excuse #385:Dyslexics retyping hosts file on serversBOFH excuse #386:The Internet is being scanned for virusesBOFH excuse #387:Your computer's union contract is set to expire at midnightBOFH excuse #388:Bad user karmaBOFH excuse #389:/dev/clue was linked to /dev/nullBOFH excuse #390:Increased sunspot activityBOFH excuse #391:We already sent around a notice about thatBOFH excuse #392:It's union rules. There's nothing we can do about it. Sorry.BOFH excuse #393:Interference from the Van Allen BeltBOFH excuse #394:Jupiter is aligned with MarsBOFH excuse #395:Redundant ACLsBOFH excuse #396:Mail server hit by UniSpammerBOFH excuse #397:T1's congested due to porn traffic to the news serverBOFH excuse #398:Data for intranet got routed through the extranet and landed on the internetBOFH excuse #399:We are a 100% Microsoft ShopBOFH excuse #400:We are Microsoft. What you are experiencing is not a problem; it is an undocumented feature.BOFH excuse #401:Sales staff sold a product we don't offerBOFH excuse #402:Secretary sent chain letter to all 5000 employeesBOFH excuse #403:Sysadmin didn't hear pager go off due to loud music from bar-room speakersBOFH excuse #404:Sysadmin accidentally destroyed pager with a large hammerBOFH excuse #405:Sysadmins unavailable because they are in a meeting talking about why they are unavailable so muchBOFH excuse #406:Bad cafeteria food landed all the sysadmins in the hospitalBOFH excuse #407:Route flapping at the NAPBOFH excuse #408:Computers under water due to SYN floodingBOFH excuse #409:The vulcan-death-grip ping has been appliedBOFH excuse #410:Electrical conduits in machine room are meltingBOFH excuse #411:Traffic jam on the Information SuperhighwayBOFH excuse #412:Radial Telemetry InfiltrationBOFH excuse #413:Cow-tippers tipped a cow onto the serverBOFH excuse #414:tachyon emissions overloading the systemBOFH excuse #415:Maintenance window brokenBOFH excuse #416:We're out of slots on the serverBOFH excuse #417:Computer room being moved. Our systems are down for the weekend.BOFH excuse #418:Sysadmins busy fighting SPAMBOFH excuse #419:Repeated reboots of the system failed to solve problemBOFH excuse #420:Feature was not beta testedBOFH excuse #421:Domain controller not respondingBOFH excuse #422:Someone else stole your IP address, call the Internet detectives!BOFH excuse #423:It's not RFC-822 compliantBOFH excuse #424:operation failed because: there is no message for this error (#1014)BOFH excuse #425:stop bit receivedBOFH excuse #426:internet is needed to catch the etherbunnyBOFH excuse #427:network down, IP packets delivered via UPSBOFH excuse #428:Firmware update in the coffee machineBOFH excuse #429:Temporal anomalyBOFH excuse #430:Mouse has out-of-cheese errorBOFH excuse #431:Borg implants are failingBOFH excuse #432:Borg nanites have infested the serverBOFH excuse #433:error: one bad user found in front of screenBOFH excuse #434:Please state the nature of the technical emergencyBOFH excuse #435:Internet shut down due to maintenanceBOFH excuse #436:Daemon escaped from pentagramBOFH excuse #437:crop circles in the corn shellBOFH excuse #438:sticky bit has come looseBOFH excuse #439:Hot Java has gone coldBOFH excuse #440:Cache miss - please take better aim next timeBOFH excuse #441:Hash table has woodwormBOFH excuse #442:Trojan horse ran out of hayBOFH excuse #443:Zombie processes detected, machine is hauntedBOFH excuse #444:overflow error in /dev/nullBOFH excuse #445:Browser's cookie is corrupted -- someone's been nibbling on itBOFH excuse #446:Mailer-daemon is busy burning your message in hellBOFH excuse #447:According to Microsoft, it's by designBOFH excuse #448:vi needs to be upgraded to viiBOFH excuse #449:greenpeace freed the mallocsBOFH excuse #450:Terrorists crashed an airplane into the server room.BOFH excuse #451:astropneumatic oscillations in the water-coolingBOFH excuse #452:Somebody ran the operating system through a spelling checker!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR (1) Scarecrow for centipedes (2) Dead cat brush (3) Hair barrettes (4) Cle...1: No code table for op: ++post4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with ...A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are ona photo-safari in Africa. As they're...... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that youhave turned into a pile of dust.A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yo...A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from asimple system that works.[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. -- Joseph CampbellA computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla. -- Mitch RatcliffeA computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of sellingthe president one of the latest talking ...A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cakewithout ketchup and mustard.A CONS is an object which cares. -- Bernie Greenberg.A debugged program is one for which you have not yet found the conditionsthat make it fail. -- Jerry Ogdin A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eatinghis morning meal. "I would like to give you th... A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the cou...A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox1108, trying to edit a complex Klone net...A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. -- D. GriesA Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming isnot worth knowing.A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to programin than some that do. -- Dennis M. RitchieA large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they workby being declared to work. -- Anatol HoltA LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing. -- Alan PerlisA list is only as strong as its weakest link. -- Don KnuthA little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systemshave been designed by committees and... A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowh... A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish theprogram on which he was working. "I will b... A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for himinvented a new program that became popular a... A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to yourwork hours: you are going to have to come in... A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirementsdocument for a new application. The mana... A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The masternoted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-... A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices."The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardle...A modem is a baudy house.A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you. *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technicalterm... A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,documents, or tests his programs. Yet all w... A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs andsometimes aborts. I have followed the rules... A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company ismuch larger than all others. It towers above... A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structurethat men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. ... A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with aquestion. "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha natu... A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financialpackage. The novice worked furiously for many da... A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning thepower off and on. Knight, seeing what the studen...A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be wellschooled in machine language, since it i... A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like astrings of pearls. The spirit and intent o... A programmer from a very large computer company went to a softwareconference and then returned to report to his ...A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis ofbeing able to turn out, after innumerabl...A programming language is low level when its programs require attentionto the irrelevant.A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screenobjects, such as the faces of loved ones, caus...A rolling disk gathers no MOS. A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,realization of a basic truth came over me. So s...A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.As they spoke a Multics system hacker ...A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do somethingundreamed of by its author. -- S. C. JohnsonA well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.A swift-flowing steam does not grow stagnant.Neither sound nor though...A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a bluntax. It is equally vain to try to do ...Adding features does not necessarily increase functionality -- it justmakes the manuals thicker.Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. -- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"Whenever one pe... After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's homedirectory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u...Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whethermachines can think, a question of which we no...Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most important programming languageyet developed. -- T. CheathamAll constants are variables.=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think...All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the partsyou are reassembling were disassem...All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attractsthose who believe in happy endings...All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors."... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally plannedproducts, if they are built at all, are do...All the simple programs have been written.=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.The long...=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfo...=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================CAR and CDR now return extra values.The function CAR now retu...=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET int...=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================JCL support as alternative to system menu.In our continuing e...=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experime...=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR. (DEFUN MAPCA...All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.Almost anything derogatory you could say about today's software designwould be accurate. -- K.E. IversonAlthough it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired forbuying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief tech...AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German com...An Ada exception is when a routine gets in trouble and says'Beam me up, Scotty'.An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.An algorithm must be seen to be believed. -- D.E. Knuth... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When aprogrammer used his new computer terminal, al...An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.An interpretation _I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only ifeach entry in the table designates...And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowingwhat the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions. -- David JonesAnd on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.Another megabytes the dust.Any given program will expand to fill available memory.Any given program, when running, is obsolete.Any program which runs right is obsolete.Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,my terminal, or the view out my window are p...Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. -- Rich KulawiecAnyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell youthat a sentence like "You're one of thos...APL hackers do it in the quad.APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of thefuture for the programming techniques ...APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;...and is best for educational purposes. -- A. PerlisAPL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I can'tread any of them. -- Roy KeirAre we running light with overbyte?Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time tomeasure progress. Some cathedrals took a cen...As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. -- WeisertAs in certain cults it is possible to kill a process if you know its true name. -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. RitchieAs in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly intosmaller competing sects and no church dom...As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic schedules, there will be Real Programmers w...As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.Please update your programs.As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.Please update your programs.As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast ofthe valuable information the daily crosse...As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;a process that traditionally requires some...As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn'tas easy to get programs right as we had...As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,bearing hot new versions of their pi...As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that thereis always a future in Computer Maintenance. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free variable."ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturityand understanding of how computers work that it provides. -- D. GriesAsynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. -- D. Winker and F. ProsserAt about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* besolved. The only difficulty is that the...At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed onthe creative mind seems more likely to h...At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerialchallenge roughly comparable to herding cats. -- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will findat least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.Avoid strange women and temporary variables.Basic is a high level languish. APL is a high level anguish.BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'.BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. -- Seymour PapertBe careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. -- Donald KnuthBeware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard BrandweinBeware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of interest is easy.Beware the new TTY code!Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. -- David NicholsBLISS is ignorance.Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, andinterface circuit details. The two models, ho...Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique:an actually rather serious technical b...Brain fried -- Core dumpedBreadth-first search is the bulldozer of science. -- Randy Goebel Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design.Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, no...Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but mayrevitalize the corner saloon.Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.Building translators is good clean fun. -- T. CheathamBus error -- driver executed.Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of thesystem, in which all of its major weaknesses ...But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a badplace to be, since I particularly want to move..."But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?"By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage otherdesigners in the thin disguise of good, clean ...BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and thencarefully print the chaff.Byte your tongue.C Code.C Code Run.Run, Code, RUN! PLEASE!!!!C for yourself.C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes thatharder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. -- Bjarne StroustrupC'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique. -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of memberobjects and member functions. Specificall...Calm down, it's *____only* ones and zeroes.Can't open /usr/share/games/fortunes/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.Can't open /usr/share/games/fortunes/fortunes.dat.CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.COBOL is for morons. -- E.W. DijkstraCobol programmers are down in the dumps.Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a terminal until the dropsof blood form on your forehead.Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that softwarehas the ability to wear out. Softwa...COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler one expects froma corporation whose president codes in octal. -- J.N. Gray... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology sincecivilization began has seen six orders of ma...Computer programmers do it byte by byte.Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view adding a new wingto a building as being maintenance -- Jim HorningComputers are not intelligent. They only think they are.Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. -- GilbComputers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo PicassoComputers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things inthe world that just don't add up.Computers don't actually think. You just think they think. (We think.)Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much morethan the estimate the job will cost.Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceedfrom one mind, or from a very small number of a...Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don'thesitate to ask! Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that thefunctions contained in the program will meet your r...Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell at people to save their core images befo...Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal -- if you are all thumbs. -- Glaser and WayCounting in octal is just like counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs. -- Tom Lehrer[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, with ninewomen pregnant, you can get a baby a month. -- Wernher von BraunCrazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstakingprocess -- an exercise in logic, clear expression...Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstakingprocess -- an exercise in logic, clear expression...%DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memoryVMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the earsDear Emily, what about test messages? -- ConcernedDear Concerned: It is important, when testing, to test the ent...Dear Emily: How can I choose what groups to post in? -- ConfusedDear Confused: Pick as many as you can, so that ...Dear Emily: I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time tosummarize. What should I do? -- Edit...Dear Emily: I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."What should I do? -- DoubtfulD...Dear Emily: I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what shouldI do? -- AngryDear Angry: Include th...Dear Emily: I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. Itried complaints to his sysadmin, organi...Dear Emily: I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be postedto. How about an example? -- Still Co...Dear Emily: Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.What should I do? -- ForgetfulDear Forg...Dear Ms. Postnews: I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What should I do? -- Eager BeaverDe...Dear Sir, I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home orto the office, We have more than ...Debug is human, de-fix divine.DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale. -- Mel Ferentz#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) ...(defun NF (a c) (cond ((null c) () ) ((atom (car c)) (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cad...Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's? -- P.J. PlaugerDifferent all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.Digital circuits are made from analog parts. -- Don VonadaDisc space -- the final frontier!DISCLAIMER:Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply an endorsementof Western industrial civilization.Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they beyours too." -- Dave HaynieDisk crisis, please clean up!Disks travel in packs.Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.Do not simplify the design of a program if a way can be found to makeit complex and wonderful.Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking? *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use...Do you suffer painful elimination? -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"Do you suffer painful recrim...Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; andwhen it is bad, it is better than nothing. -- Dick BrandonDocumentation is the castor oil of programming.Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?Does a...Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly misleading.Debug only code. -- Dave StorerDon't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros. -- P. SkellyDOS Air:All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push ituntil it gets in the air, hop o...DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before openi...Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been discontinued.During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down severaltimes, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~p...E Pluribus UnixEach new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. -- KernighanEach of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age ofReformation. In the realm of the Apple.../earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.Earth is a beta site./earth: file system full.Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, becauseGod is not capricious or arbitrary. ...Equal bytes for women.Error in operator: add beerEstablished technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part ofthe world. Nude sunbathing on the ba...<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computertechnology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murra..."Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least oneidiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and ...Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least oneinstruction -- from which, by induction, o...Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone waseating paper and a policeman was at the door...Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to betaught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers.Evolution is a million line computer program falling into place by accident.Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,it's Microsoft!"Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bringyou luck and good fortune. Just mail (or...Fly Windows NT:All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairsin the outline of a pl..."For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs ofa thousand years ago. Why not, then, the ...FORTH IF HONK THENFORTRAN is a good example of a language which is easier to parseusing ad hoc techniques. -- D. Gries [What's good about it? Ed.]FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, occasionally blooms,and grows in every computer. -- A.J. PerlisFORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers. -- Steven FeinerFORTRAN rots the brain. -- John McQuillinFORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelesslyinadequate for whatever computer appl...[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- probably for at least the next decade. -- T. CheathamFortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!Try: [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? (C shell) ^How did the^sex ch...Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!Try: ar t "God" drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell) cat...fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.fortune: No such file or directoryfortune: not foundFrankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix. -- Rhett Buggler[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, madein Japan]:The excellent output machine of ...From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of theinstructions on removing an I/O board from the card ca...Function reject.Garbage In -- Gospel Out.GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [theOpen Software Foundation] is its mouth. -- John GilmoreGiving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languageswhose use squanders machine cycles ...Go away! Stop bothering me with all your "compute this ... compute that"!I'm taking a VAX-NAP.logout//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAHGod is real, unless declared integer.God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operationalat the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on...Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awokehe exclaimed: "I don't know whether I am Tu...grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.Hacker's Guide To Cooking:2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't really com...Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.Hackers of the world, unite!Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge./* Halley */ (Halley's comment.)Happiness is a hard disk.Happiness is twin floppies. Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "Youare the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel ... "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" "Yes, I don't have one." "Okay, you can send mail to one o...Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" aretyped with the left hand? Now the layout of ...Have you reconsidered a computer career?He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of his opinion.It's up to you to cast it into a void or not. -- Phil LapsleyHEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!Details at 11.Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs,then they'd be algorithms.HOLY MACRO!HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...How can you work when the system's so crowded?"How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows." How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it...How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary SurveyHow much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!! Oh wait... I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out. Never mind.I *____knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... If I could justremember what it was.I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.I am NOMAD!I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. -- Dennis RitchieI am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly e...I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboardswhy these were not manufactured in a cent...I bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin MinskyI came, I saw, I deleted all your files.I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rateof 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... -- F. H. Wales (1936)I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. -- Isaac AsimovI had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try andimplement a PL/1 compiler. -- T. CheathamI have a very small mind and must live with it. -- E. DijkstraI have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck. -- Rob Pike, on X.Steve Jobs said two years ...I have not yet begun to byte!I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete theseCalculating Engines. I have also dec...I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked withthe best people in business administ...I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!I think there's a world market for about five computers. -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strainedit to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for ...I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20years ago. When somebody there predicted t...I wish you humans would leave me alone.I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.I'm not even going to *______bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN. -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS CI'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found theright manual yet. I've been working my way ...I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. It means we get tokeep all our old mistakes. -- Dennie van TasselI've looked at the listing, and it's right! -- Joel HalpernI've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must be just a fewsimple heuristics you have to remember...Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, who'll be firstagainst the wall when the revolution comes... -- with regrets to D. AdamsIf a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tapeat about 30 miles/second. -- Grishman, Assembly Language ProgrammingIf a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. -- T. CheathamIf a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a leverto get a "fix" of something, to its own...If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it willserve us right. -- Alistair CookeIf God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.If graphics hackers are so smart, why can't they get the bugs out offresh paint?If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 daysand 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quart...If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on theshoulders of giants. -- Isaac NewtonIn th...If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, I'd never havegiven up being a rock 'n' roll star. -- G. HirstIf it happens once, it's a bug.If it happens twice, it's a feature.If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgotto send it. But if *two* pieces of mail...If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG. -- Phil LapsleyIf Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T."If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, aRolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a mi...If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. -- Norm SchryerIf the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than fivesteering wheels hidden about the cockpi... If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If theoperating system is great, then the compiler is ...If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those ...If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and programan imbedded system. The salient ch...If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.But this tomfoolery, having passed throug...If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamblethen they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real harm.If you think the system is working, ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have fourstrong oxen than 100 chickens. Chicken...Ignorance is bliss. -- Thomas GrayFortune updates the great quotes, #42: BLISS is ignorance.Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usualway. This happens to us all the time wit...Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It hasa 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM,...**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have...In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a roomhumidifier for a mid-range computer but ma...In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Onlywe can't control when the five year period will begin.In a surprise raid last night, federal agents ransacked a house in searchof a rebel computer hacker. However, th...In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)are to be treated as variables.In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,the answer may be obtained by inspection.In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in ourprogramming languages.In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fouriertransform, which was a precursor to the C...In less than a century, computers will be making substantial progress on... the overriding problem of war and peace. -- James SlagleIn practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary. -- Paul LickerIn seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form andnull, and darkness was upon the face of the conso... In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Ya... In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as hesat hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing... In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. Itchanges into a bird whose winds are like cl...In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. -- Alan Perlis... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the generalintelligence of an average human being ... The...Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way. -- Henry Spencer>>> Internal error in fortune program:>>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323>>> Please write down these...Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.INSTRUCTION SET Code Mnemonic What 0 NOP No Operation 1 JMP Jump (ad...IOT trap -- core dumpedIs a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant tobe discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble?: is not an identifierIs your job running? You'd better go catch it! It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himselfworking as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. On...It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the most widelyused higher level language for systems programming. -- J. Sammet It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hiddendirectory, have won their first victory agai...It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, butit is also very memorable. I vividly ...It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.What fun is there in making plans, acqui...It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by thesense of achievement you get from getting...It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almostanything in any language}. However, th...It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to studentsthat have had prior exposure to BASIC: as...[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time. -- K&RIt isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty smallprice to pay for having somebody around the house who understands computers.It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, moredoubtful of success, nor more dangerous t..."It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory" -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by t...It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in thesystem. From this, and the fact that w...It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, when you'restickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm. -- Dion, noted computer scientistIt's a naive, domestic operating system without any breeding, but Ithink you'll be amused by its presumption.It's multiple choice time... What is FORTRAN? a: Between thre and fiv tran. b: What two computers engage in before they interface. c: Ridiculous."It's not just a computer -- it's your ass." -- Cal KeeganIt's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath beenfound and thy program runneth. And he t...Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac(and nobody cares about it). -- Bill Joy 6/21/85Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you geta prompt, type like hell.Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum. -- D. GriesKiss your keyboard goodbye!Know Thy User.((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))`Lasu' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Orderby staff writers ... The central Superhig...`Lasu' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Orderby staff writers ... The SAG is one of th...`Lasu' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Orderby staff writersHelsinki, Finland, August...Let the machine do the dirty work. -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and RitchieLeveraging always beats prototyping.Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. -- Dave OlsonLike punning, programming is a play on words.Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.Lisp Users:Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very sophisticatedcomputer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...Logic doesn't apply to the real world. -- Marvin MinskyLOGO for the DeadLOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from"The Other Side."The package i... Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIALcharacter named Jack. Jack and his relations were poo...Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.Loose bits sink chips.Mac Airways:The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, feel the sameand act the same. When ask...Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" bee...MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that. "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." "What about X?" "I said `intellectual'." ;login, 9/1990Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,and play games -- but not with pleasure. -- Leo RostenMachines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, userstend to create numerous files using large ...Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and theonly one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. -- Wernher von BraunMany companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of acertain major manufacturer] (and in doin...Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began theirlife of crime after taking college Computer Science cours...Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software. -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!What a finely tuned response to the situation!** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **May all your PUSHes be POPped.May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. -- R. S. BartonMeantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some onehas made voodoo boxen of her and her fav...Memory fault - where am I?Memory fault -- brain friedMemory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business. -- P.J. DenningMommy, what happens to your files when you die?Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM CanadaLtd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts fro...MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way. -- Henry SpencerMuch of the excitement we get out of our work is that we don't reallyknow what we are doing. -- E. DijkstraMultics is security spelled sideways.MVS Air Lines: The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching hundreds of technicianscheck the flight systems ...My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand timesas powerful as yours, doing nothing but...My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells down by the seashore. n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc)...Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that Ihave looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong. -- Brent WelchNever make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found tomake it complex and wonderful.Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. -- D. GriesNever test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. -- SteinbachNever trust a computer you can't repair yourself.Never trust an operating system.Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explainsex to a virgin. -- Robert Heinlein(Note, howe...Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCSNew crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.New systems generate new problems.*** NEWS FLASH ***Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaurskeleton! Many Digital ...news: gotchaNiklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name correctly(Ni-klows Virt), Americans invaria...No directory.No extensible language will be universal. -- T. CheathamNo hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardwareuntil three software guys have signed off for it. -- Andy TanenbaumNo line available at 300 baud.No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval system,or transmit disease, in any form, witho...No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-appliedoccurrence identifies an operator-defining o...No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after isjust a mediocre brain, something like the...Nobody said computers were going to be polite.Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they startcoming in late and lying about it.My little brother got this fortune: nohup rm -fr /&So he did...Norbert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, infact, very absent minded. The fol...Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. -- Rob PikeNOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. Allsoftware is supplied as is, without guarante...Nothing happens. Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?" He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest id..."Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette." -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile." -- Karl LehenbauerNurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her...Oh, so there you are!Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that workedjust a little while ago; I inserted some ran...Old mail has arrived.Old programmers never die, they just become managers.Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.On a clear disk you can seek forever. -- P. DenningOn the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog. -- Cartoon caption On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nit...On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.Babbage, if you put into the machine wr..."One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket"."One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I ... One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to makea better garbage collector. We must keep a re...One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that theynever have to stop and answer the phone.... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,lacking zero, they had no way to indicate suc...One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they dofoul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little. -- Joe Martin One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiasticis our support for UNIX? Unix was written on...One person's error is another person's data.One picture is worth 128K words.Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. -- Oscar WildeMost UNIX programmers are great masters of style. -- The Unnamed UsenetterOnly the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by placing a classified ad with the ritua...OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Wi...OS/2 Skyways:The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers millingabout. The announcer say..."Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a bigsystem, because we can't fix it if it breaks...Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office.He was introduced to me, at which time...Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide. -- Peter Behrendt, president of ExabyteOur OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, In kernel as it is in user!Over the shoulder supervision is more a need of the manager than theprogramming task.Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from twocomplementary directions: to reduce the nu...Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game willcontinue on its normal course; when we fai...Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.panic: can't find /panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)panic: kernel trap (ignored)Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. -- Dr. Kasi AnanthanarayananPascal is not a high-level language. -- Steven Feiner"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat." -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.Pause for storage relocation.Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. -- R.W. HammingPL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to thesolution set. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them.Please go away.PLUG IT IN!!!Premature optimization is the root of all evil. -- D.E. Knuth Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced uponthe keyboard. The program compiled without...Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data encryption standard and they came up with ...Student: EBCDIC!"Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.Programmers do it bit by bit.Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live withoutgiant listings; we would find it hard to use them. -- D.M. RitchieProgramming is an unnatural act.Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:BBW Branch Both WaysBEW Branch Either WayBBBF Branch on Bit Buck...Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:DC Divide and ConquerDMPK Destroy Memory Protect KeyDO Divide an...Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:PI Punch InvalidPOPI Punch Operator ImmediatelyPVLC Punch Variab...PURGE COMPLETE.Put no trust in cryptic comments.RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASICREADY>_RAM wasn't built in a day.Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something Isaw at the airport ... Now I'm rememberin...Reactor error - core dumped!Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aestheticvalue but they find it difficult to actually pr...Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware haslimitations, software doesn't. It's a...Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers areso long they can't afford the disk space.Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't writein anything less portable than a number two pencil.Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with`programming systems', but those are so ...Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else howcould they read their mail?Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might runon future hardware. Nobody trusts them to ...Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming isfor compulsive neurotics who were prem...Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machinedoesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, itshould be hard to understand.Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, theilliterate's form of documentation. Cavem...Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requiresyou to change clothes. Mountain climbing is ...Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write inBASIC after reaching puberty.Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks andcrystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks.Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can'tdecide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.Real programs don't eat cache.Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use functionsfor scratch space after they are finished calling them?Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.This process doesn't necessarily involve ex...Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable andgreasy hardware several aisles away that may ...Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job isdescribed in the formal spec. Workin...Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're neverafraid to break your face.Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shutsdown the system for days.Real Users hate Real Programmers.Real Users know your home telephone number.Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your programdoesn't deliver it.Real Users never use the Help key.Recursion is the root of computation since it trades description for time.Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn'thave an established user base.Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. -- Mt.Remember: use logout to logout. Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,uses a recursion on the number and type of the exte...Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.Save gas, don't use the shell.Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! -- Ken ThompsonScience is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.They had worked for months gathering one eac...Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symb..."Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has rece...Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer weredriving down a mountain when the brakes gave o... SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENTTitle: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth ABSTRACT Several res...Send some filthy mail.Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root. -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide" Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. The first student to try to do this was a ...She sells cshs by the cshore.Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for atotally awwwesome Apple. Fer suuure. I mean A...Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials. -- Hubert KirrmanskldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuilh;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-...Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In realityall core dumps happen at the same instan...Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is runlike a staff function. -- Paul LickerSoftware suppliers are trying to make their software packages more"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so ...Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.The answer is: I don't know.Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, but at least youonly have to climb it once.Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand progress. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. I found a pile of them over in thecorner. Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waitingalone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet...Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am surethat only Real Men could have written s...***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge in ord...Staff meeting in the conference room in %d minutes.Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.Standards are crucial. And the best thing about standards is: there areso ____many to choose from!Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about UncleNahum from Maine, who spent years trying ...Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise. -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer firstthese questions three, ere the other side he see! ... *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields ofprogramming....Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political, petty, boring,ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost ...Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the samerate as computers and over the same pe...Swap read error. You lose your mind.Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982System checkpoint complete.System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.System going down in 5 minutes.System restarting, wait... *** System shutdown message from root ***System going down in 60 secondsSystems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on adinfinitum -- which is why we're always star...Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. -- R.S. BartonTesting can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence. -- DijkstraTeX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in thiscentury. It introduces a standard langua..."Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, evenone which cannot be justified on any other grounds." -- J. Finnegan, USC.That does not compute.... that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended bythe notion of LIVEWARE - being that which... "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, butthey're not coming out on the damn printer... ...That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What theyreally hate is lousy programmers. -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull. -- Andy PurshottamThe 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8. -- R.B. Greenberg [referring to PDPs?]The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing. -- T. CheathamThe algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*. -- Bart Miller"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mugsomeone with it." -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns just as the Jacquardloom weaves flowers and leaves. -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by peoplewho don't understand, who have not go...The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer. -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike [If I can read my notes...The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second per second.The bogosity meter just pegged.The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of adigital computer or the gears of a cycl...The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not onlythe inclination to get on a plane, but also the time. -- Kay Bostic"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the flexibility ofassembly language with the power of assembly language."The clothes have no emperor. -- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA.The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe ofentrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring s...The computer is to the information industry roughly what thecentral power station is to the electrical industry. -- Peter Drucker"The Computer made me do it."The computing field is always in need of new cliches. -- Alan PerlisThe connection between the language in which we think/program and the problemsand solutions we can imagine is ver...The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most ofus who are fortunate enough never to have ...The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?The difference between art and science is that science is what weunderstand well enough to explain to a computer....The disks are getting full; purge a file today."The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt NotCompute' -- I forget which." -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALESSPECIES: Cranial MalesSUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)Courtship &... The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALESSPECIES: Cranial MalesSUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)Description... The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALESSPECIES: Cranial MalesSUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)Plumage: Al...The first time, it's a KLUDGE!The second, a trick.Later, it's a well-established technique! -- Mike Broido, IntermetricsThe first version always gets thrown away.The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk FunctionsManual which is part of the UDA50 Programme...The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dipobjects into a fountain or drink from one w...The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last atleast until we've finished building it.The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calen... The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a ChanceThe guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer ...The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity-- the rest is overhead for the operating system.The IBM 2250 is impressive ...if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price. -- D. CohenThe IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair". -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a giventool without training or understandi...The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a wordprocessor.", I replied, "They used to say...The less time planning, the more time programming. THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLESIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming... THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHPThis otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the ab... THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOLSLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its comp... THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across th... THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #15 -- DOGO Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Trainin... THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #16: C-This language was named for the grade received by its creator when... THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRENamed after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an ext... THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: FIFTHFIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data ty... THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENENamed after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene ... THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACKThis language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'...The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best. The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for themaster programmer to examine. The magician ... The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. Nochange in management can harm him. He will...The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks todevise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. -- Lew Mammel, Jr.The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might begeneral systems laws. For example, Fran...The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and thelower the mailing cost. -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"The most important early product on the way to developing a good productis an imperfect version.The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embeddedin it here and there. Any given spoonful...The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,in the form of an affirmation of the binary ...The next person to mention spaghetti stacks to me is going to havehis head knocked off. -- Bill ConradThe nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. -- Andrew S. TanenbaumThe nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-columncard. -- Dennis M. RitchieThe number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are correct. -- Ralph HartleyThe number of computer scientists in a room is inversely proportionalto the number of bugs in their code.The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman isthat the car salesman knows he's lying.The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.The only thing worse than X Windows: (X Windows) - XThe party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add. -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme CourtThe personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chipmarket. Next year it will be about h...The primary function of the design engineer is to make thingsdifficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653... The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order toget results. The problem with mathematicians is...The problems of business administration in general, and database management inparticular are much to difficult fo...The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead. The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathomtheir thoughts, so all we do is describe t...The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheeland an accelerator instead of spurs and r...The question of whether computers can think is just like the question ofwhether submarines can swim. -- Edsger W. DijkstraThe reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.The relative importance of files depends on their cost in terms of thehuman effort needed to regenerate them. -- T.A. DolottaThe road to hell is paved with NAND gates. -- J. Gooding The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in theforest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cab...The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someonebeat their head on the keyboard. Af...The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has s...The steady state of disks is full. -- Ken Thompson THE STORY OF CREATION or THE MYTH OF URKIn the beginning there was data. The data was withou...The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.The system will be down for 10 days for preventive maintenance.The Tao doesn't take sides;it gives birth to both wins and losses.The Guru doesn't take sides;she welcomes both h...The Tao is like a glob pattern:used but never used up.It is like the extern void:filled with infinite possibiliti...The tao that can be tar(1)edis not the entire Tao.The path that can be specified is not the Full Path.We declare ...The trouble with computers is that they do what you tell them, not whatyou want. -- D. CohenThe UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope tohang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systemsis a symptom of professional immaturity. -- Edsger DijkstraThe use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, beregarded as a criminal offence. -- Edsger ...The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The averageprogrammer is told about the Tao and searc...The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the toolswe're using work at a higher level, more...The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!The world is coming to an end. Please log off.The world is not octal despite DEC.The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.The young lady had an unusual list,Linked in part to a structural weakness.She set no preconditions.THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVELININTHENIGHTDUDE... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guyshave a hard time sorting out what day...There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.There are new messages.There are no games on this system.There are running jobs. Why don't you go chase them?There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away fromthe sun; there's a large meteor blocking...There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.We don't believe this to be a coincidence. -- Jeremy S. AndersonThere are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to makeit so simple that there are obviously no...There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.For example, if you wanted all of your ...There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Eq...There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game. There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day ashe entered, the man told the guard at the do... There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, ... There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of thewarlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer... There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look athow well off I am here," he said to a main...There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,in one way or another, almost every member ...There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.They are called computers simply because computation is the only significantjob that has so far been given to them.They are relatively good but absolutely terrible. -- Alan Kay, commenting on ApollosThey seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even whennot actually threatened. How very nice...Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we canspeak of someone or something being flawed...This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobozz Magic Co., Ltd.This file will self-destruct in five minutes.This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement."This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back to one." -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates thepower of computers:Enter lots of data on calo... This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a cop...This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88.This login session: $13.99This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it doessomething child-like. -- Forbes Burkowski, CS 454, University of WashingtonThis quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Marylandstudent newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. One d...This screen intentionally left blank.This system will self-destruct in five minutes.* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)are called hardware; those program instruct...Those who can't write, write manuals.Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. -- Henry SpencerThrashing is just virtual crashing.Thus spake the master programmer: "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written programis its own h...Thus spake the master programmer: "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"Thus spake the master programmer: "Let the programmers be many and the managers few -- then all will be productive." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"Thus spake the master programmer: "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to be maintained." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"Thus spake the master programmer: "Time for you to leave." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"Thus spake the master programmer: "When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"Thus spake the master programmer: "When you have learned to snatch the error code from the trap frame, it will be...Thus spake the master programmer: "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software, hardware is usel...Thus spake the master programmer: "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you can't make hi...Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business. -- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed)To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift. -- ShelleyTo communicate is the beginning of understanding. -- AT&TTo err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. -- Robert HellerTo say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,but you don't build a hundred million...To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide atest load.To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventionalsystem development, exploratory development...To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.Today is a good day for information-gathering. Read someone else's mail file.Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.Tomorrow's computers some time next month. -- DECToo often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish foranything in all the world, I would wish for...Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings: (10) Sorry, but that's too useful. (9) Dammit,...TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNEDTrap full -- please empty.Truly simple systems... require infinite testing. -- Norman AugustineTry `stty 0' -- it works much better.try againTry to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, isit being done, or is something to be do...Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the onlyspecification is that it should run noiselessly.Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard.Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was performing her normal housekeeping routine...Type louder, please. U Xe dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.Sorry for the confusion. -- Sun Microsystems "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,right?" -- MacNelley, "Shoe"Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have manyfriends who, immediately upon buying a sn...Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display...UNIX enhancements aren't.Unix Express: All passenger bring a piece of the aeroplane and a box of tools with them tothe airport. They gathe...Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a coupleof more feet, just to be sure. -- Eric Allm...Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unixhacker can never remember what the PRINT ...Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. -- Donn Seeley* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilverlightning with a laserbeam kicker. -- Michael Jay TuckerUNIX is many things to many people, but it's never been everything to anybody.Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others. -- Berry KerchevalUnix soit qui mal y pense [Unix to him who evil thinks?] UNIX TrixFor those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that willsave your support staff a ...UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old onTue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). -- Andy TannenbaumUNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because thatwould also stop you from doing clever things. -- Doug GwynUnix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdirUSENET would be a better laboratory if there were more labor and less oratory. -- Elizabeth HaleyUser hostile.Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. -- S.C. Johnson/usr/news/gotchaVariables don't; constants aren't.Vax Vobiscum"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been know...VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.VMS version 2.0 ==>Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumannsupposedly had the habit of simply writi...<< WAIT >>WARNING!!!This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.A special circuit in the machine ...Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer knowing the value ofeverything and the Wirth of nothing?We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree onwhen it's necessary to compromise. -- Larry WallWe are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. -- John Naisbitt, MegatrendsWe are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant. Openness is futile. Prepareto be assimilated.We are not a clone."We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem." -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans todevelop a schedule for producing the 10...We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on thetechnical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM. -- Edsger Dijkstra We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if youthink it is, great, but it's up to you to deci...We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand thehardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights!"We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,star of "The Muppet Show." [3][3] Why? ...We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purelyintellectual fields. But which are the b...We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,ensure connective tranquility, provide... "We've got a problem, HAL". "What kind of problem, Dave?" "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anyw...[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things. -- R.W. HammingWelcome to boggle - do you want instructions?D G G OO Y A NA D B TK I S PEnter words:>Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note theuse of exclamation points! They are a very ef... "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases isas follows." "What does Crustimoney Proseedcak...What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?It's the same as that between Hillary's a..."What is the Nature of God?" CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= 1 QT. SOUR CREAM 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT...What the hell is it good for? -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM), ...What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. "What's that thing?" "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use incomputer repair. Being a lay...When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writerhas been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. -- Fred Brooks When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the...When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need onlysay what I wish done," give him a lollipop.When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a coupleof asterisked sentences: It weighs l...When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --except our fingertips will have been singed. ...When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't.Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discoverssomething which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vacuum tubes andweighs 30 tons, computers in the future ma..."Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our newTriple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.Why are programmers non-productive?Because their time is wasted in meetings.Why are programmers rebellious?Becaus...Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that...Windows 95 Beer: A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer...Windows Airlines:The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants all very attractive, thepilots very capable....Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have ...Wings of OS/400: The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planesthat ever flew, and pai...With your bare hands?!?Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.Work continues in this area. -- DEC's SPR-Answering-AutomatonWorthless. -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), esti...Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bearwitness to the apocalyptic power of a ...Writing software is more fun than working.X windows: Accept any substitute. If it's broke, don't fix it. If it ain't broke, fix it. Form follows malfunctio...X windows: It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow. The windowing system preferred by masochist...X windows: Something you can be ashamed of. 30% more entropy than the leading window system. The first fully modu...X windows: The ultimate bottleneck. Flawed beyond belief. The only thing you have to fear. Somewhere between chao...X windows: We will dump no core before its time. One good crash deserves another. A bad idea whose time has come....X windows: You'd better sit down. Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project. Why do it right when you can do ..."Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who havegoaded me beyond my inclination, and frequent...Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall fear noevil, for I can string six primitive m...Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars, and Pluto, but not necessarily inthat order. -- George MichaelsonYou are an insult to my intelligence! I demand that you log off immediately.You are false data.You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.You are in the hall of the mountain king.You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard whopoints to you and says, "Them's fighting words!"...You can be replaced by this computer.You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as itdoesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. -- Hepler, Systems Design 182You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.Why do you find that funny? -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude onthe continuing viability of FORTRAN. -- Alan PerlisYou can now buy more gates with less specifications than at any other timein history. -- Kenneth ParkerYou can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language ofsupercomputers. -- Steven FeinerYou can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.You can tune a filesystem, but you can't tuna fish. -- from the tunefs(8) man pageYou can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of WashingtonYou can't go home again, unless you set $HOME."You can't make a program without broken egos."You can't take damsel here now.You do not have mail.You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!You had mail. Paul read it, so ask him what it said.You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).You have a message from the operator.You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--You are permanently confused. -- Dave DecotYou have junk mail.You have mail.You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too longwhen you go out to the junk food machine and s...You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when yourfriend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if you ask that dog what hisfavorite formatter is, and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...You might have mail.You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutableproof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.You will have a head crash on your private pack.You will have many recoverable tape errors.You will lose an important disk file.You will lose an important tape file.You're already carrying the sphere!You're at Witt's End.You're not Dave. Who are you?You're using a keyboard! How quaint!You've been Berkeley'ed!Your code should be more efficient!Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.Your fault -- core dumpedYour files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.EOFYour mode of life will be changed to ASCII.Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.Your password is pitifully obvious.Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.I mean, if 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick and dirty,you suddenly visualize that I am looki...As seen on slashdot about what you can do with your cable modems:(http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=32387&cid=3..."The biggest problem facing software engineering is the one it will never solve - politics." -- Gavin Baker, ca..."Don't fear the pen. When in doubt, draw a pretty picture." --Baker's Third Law of Design.Breakpoint 1, main (argc=1, argv=0xbffffc40) at main.c:2929 printf ("Welcome to GNU Hell!n"); -- "GNU Libtool documentation""You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, arenow extinct."- M. Somerset Maugham"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."- Bert Lantz"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity."- Oscar Wilde"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."- Voltaire"IBM uses what I like to call the 'hole-in-the-ground technique' to destroy the competition..... IBM digs a big H..."There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them"- Heisenberg"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adaptedto my kind of fooling"- R. Frost"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!"- Ben JonsonAnd thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung thatcometh out of man, in their sight...T...I have stripped off my dress; must I put it on again? I have washed my feet;must I soil them again?When my belov...How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince's daughter! the joints of thythighs are like jewels, the work of ...How beautiful, how entrancing you are, my loved one, daughter of delights!You are stately as a palm-tree, and you...Wear me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strongas death, passion cruel as the grav...But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and tothee, to speak these words? Hath he no...When Yahweh your gods has settled you in the land you're about to occupy, anddriven out many infidels before you....I just thought of something funny...your mother.- Cheech MarinIn the beginning, I was made. I didn't ask to be made. No one consultedwith me or considered my feelings in thi...You will be successful in your work.The life of a repo man is always intense.If you're not careful, you're going to catch something.That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What theyreally hate is lousy programmers.- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"Wherever you go...There you are.- Buckaroo BanzaiLife in the state of nature is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.- Thomas Hobbes, LeviathanLack of skill dictates economy of style.- Joey RamoneNo one is fit to be trusted with power. ... No one. ... Any man who has livedat all knows the follies and wickedn...Successful and fortunate crime is called virtue.- SenecaWhen we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't findanyone. Eventually I stumbled across ...The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.- Edmund BurkeYou may call me by my name, Wirth, or by my value, Worth.- Nicklaus WirthGive a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.- Calvin KeeganPrediction is very difficult, especially of the future.- Niels BohrThe computer can't tell you the emotional story. It can give you the exactmathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.- Frank ZappaThings are not as simple as they seems at first.- Edward ThorpThe main thing is the play itself. I swear that greed for money has nothingto do with it, although heaven knows ...It is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions.- Robert BlyMachines take me by surprise with great frequency.- Alan TuringUncertain fortune is thoroughly mastered by the equity of the calculation.- Blaise PascalAfter Goliath's defeat, giants ceased to command respect.- Freeman DysonThere are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to makeit so simple that there are obviously no...Do not allow this language (Ada) in its present state to be used inapplications where reliability is critical, i....Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in theway he did. In addition to paper an..."It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.Beyond that, we all enter the food chai...In the pitiful, multipage, connection-boxed form to which the flowchart hastoday been elaborated, it has proved t...The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has s......when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer hasbeen known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.- Fred Brooks, Jr.A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systemshave been designed by committees and......computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology sincecivilization began has seen six orders of mag...Software entities are more complex for their size than perhaps any other humanconstruct because no two parts are ...Digital computers are themselves more complex than most things people build:They hyave very large numbers of stat...The complexity of software is an essential property, not an accidental one.Hence, descriptions of a software enti...Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, becauseGod is not capricious or arbitrary. ...Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.- Ellyn MustardThe connection between the language in which we think/program and the problemsand solutions we can imagine is ver...The only way to learn a new programming language is by writing programs in it.- Brian KernighanPerfection is acheived only on the point of collapse.- C. N. ParkinsonThere you go man,Keep as cool as you can.It riles them to believe that you perceive the web they weave.Keep on being free!Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,and you'll be Gary, Indiana. - Jessie in the movie "Greaser's Palace"Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. - PeanutsPolice up your spare rounds and frags. Don't leave nothin' for the dinks.- Willem Dafoe in "Platoon""All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific."-- Jane Wagner"Any medium powerful enough to extend man's reach is powerful enough to topplehis world. To get the medium's mag..."Computer literacy is a contact with the activity of computing deep enough tomake the computational equivalent of..."The greatest warriors are the ones who fight for peace."-- Holly Near"No matter where you go, there you are..."-- Buckaroo BanzaiTrespassers will be shot. Survivors will be prosecuted.Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be SHOT AGAIN!"I'm growing older, but not up."-- Jimmy BuffettScientists will study your brain to learn more about your distant cousin, Man."I hate the itching. But I don't mind the swelling."-- new buzz phrase, like "Where's the Beef?" that David Letterman's trying to get everyone to start sayingYour own mileage may vary."Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again."-- Marvin The Paranoid Android"Send lawyers, guns and money..."-- Lyrics from a Warren Zevon song"I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs."- H. L. Mencken"Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom;Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty...I can't drive 55."And they told us, what they wanted... Was a sound that could kill some-one, from a distance." -- Kate Bush"In the face of entropy and nothingness, you kind of have to pretend it's notthere if you want to keep writing good code." -- Karl LehenbauerBadges? We don't need no stinking badges.I can't drive 55.I'm looking forward to not being able to drive 65, either.Thank God a million billion times you live in Texas."Can you program?" "Well, I'm literate, if that's what you mean!"No user-servicable parts inside. Refer to qualified service personnel.At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seeminglycontradictory attitudes -- an openness to ne...One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we've been bamboozledlong enough, we tend to reject any eviden...Regarding astral projection, Woody Allen once wrote, "This is not a bad wayto travel, although there is usually a half-hour wait for luggage."The inability to benefit from feedback appears to be the primary cause ofpseudoscience. Pseudoscientists retain ...Finding the occasional straw of truth awash in a great ocean of confusion andbamboozle requires intelligence, vig...Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.Don't have aesthetic convulsions when using them, either.As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,bearing hot new versions of their pi...Each team building another component has been using the most recent testedversion of the integrated system as a t...Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from onemind, or from a very small number of a...It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but itis also very memorable. I vividly ...The reason ESP, for example, is not considered a viable topic in contemoprarypsychology is simply that its invest...The evolution of the human race will not be accomplished in the ten thousandyears of tame animals, but in the mil...Natural selection won't matter soon, not anywhere as much as concious selection.We will civilize and alter oursel..."Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin."-- Michael O'Donohugh...though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage frombeginning to end. -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War""It's like deja vu all over again." -- Yogi BerraThe last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.-- Blaise Pascal"Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked. "Begin at the beginning,"the King said, gravely, "and go o...A morsel of genuine history is a thing so rare as to be always valuable.-- Thomas JeffersonTo be awake is to be alive. -- Henry David Thoreau, in "Walden"A person with one watch knows what time it is; a person with two watches isnever sure. ProverbYou see but you do not observe.Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, in "The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes"A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party; there is no battleunless there be two. -- SenecaNothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a proverb is no proverbto you till your life has illustrated it. -- John KeatsThe fancy is indeed no other than a mode of memory emancipated from the orderof space and time. -- Samuel Taylor ColeridgeWhat we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.-- Bengamin DisraeliNothing in progression can rest on its original plan. We may as well think ofrocking a grown man in the cradle of an infant. -- Edmund BurkeFor every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong.-- H. L. MenckenDon't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.-- James J. LingOne friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.Friendship needs a certain parallelism ...Remember theeAy, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seatIn this distracted globe. Remember thee!Yea, from the ...Obviously, a man's judgement cannot be better than the information on which hehas based it. Give him the truth a...Each honest calling, each walk of life, has its own elite, its own aristocracybased on excellence of performance. -- James Bryant ConantYou can observe a lot just by watching. -- Yogi BerraIf the presence of electricity can be made visible in any part of a circuit, Isee no reason why intelligence may ..."Mr. Watson, come here, I want you." -- Alexander Graham BellIt's currently a problem of access to gigabits through punybaud.-- J. C. R. LickliderIt is important to note that probably no large operating system using currentdesign technology can withstand a de...A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.-- Ramsey ClarkThe price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimateknowledge of its ugly side. -- James BaldwinSmall is beautiful....the increased productivity fostered by a friendly environment and qualitytools is essential to meet ever incre...It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.-- Abraham LincolnMirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.-- Jean CocteauSuppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the samerate as computers and over the same pe...In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.-- Robert LuckyGet hold of portable property. -- Charles Dickens, "Great Expectations"Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from twocomplementary directions: to reduce the nu...I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete theseCalculating Engines. I have also dec...How many hardware guys does it take to change a light bulb?"Well the diagnostics say it's fine buddy, so it's a software problem.""Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you freewith my breakfast cereal."- Zaphod Beeblebrox in "Hithiker's Guide to the Galaxy"Uncompensated overtime? Just Say No.Decaffeinated coffee? Just Say No."Show business is just like high school, except you get paid."- Martin Mull"This isn't brain surgery; it's just television."- David Letterman"Morality is one thing. Ratings are everything."- A Network 23 executive on "Max Headroom"Live free or die."...if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world." - Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is toodark to read."Probably the best operating system in the world is the [operating system] made for the PDP-11 by Bell Laboratories." - Ted Nelson, October 1977"All these black people are screwing up my democracy." - Ian SmithUse the Force, Luke.I've got a bad feeling about this.The power to destroy a planet is insignificant when compared to the power ofthe Force.- Darth VaderWhen I left you, I was but the pupil. Now, I am the master.- Darth Vader"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy inpoison! How art thou, thou globby bottl..."There was nothing I hated more than to see a filthy old drunkie, a howlingaway at the sons of his father and goi...186,000 Miles per Second. It's not just a good idea. IT'S THE LAW.Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward.Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely,if ever, do they forgive them.- Oscar WildeSingle tasking: Just Say No."Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world."- The Beach Boys"Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of themseemed to come from Texas."- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale""I think trash is the most important manifestation of culture we have in mylifetime."- Johnny LegendBy one count there are some 700 scientists with respectable academic credentials(out of a total of 480,000 U.S. e...Even if you can deceive people about a product through misleading statements,sooner or later the product will speak for itself.- Hajime KaratsuIn order to succeed in any enterprise, one must be persistent and patient.Even if one has to run some risks, one ...Memories of you remind me of you.-- Karl LehenbauerLife. Don't talk to me about life.- Marvin the Paranoid AndroidOn a clear disk you can seek forever.The world is coming to an end--save your buffers!grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.It is your destiny.- Darth VaderHokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster atyour side.- Han SoloHow many QA engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?3: 1 to screw it in and 2 to say "I told you so" when it doesn't work.How many NASA managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"That's a known problem... don't worry about it."To be is to program.To program is to be.I program, therefore I am.People are very flexible and learn to adjust to strangesurroundings -- they can become accustomed to read Lisp an..."I am your density." -- George McFly in "Back to the Future""So why don't you make like a tree, and get outta here." -- Biff in "Back to the Future""Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint."-- Dave Sim, author of Cerebrus.The existence of god implies a violation of causality."I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously."- Doctor GraperOperating-system software is the program that orchestrates all the basicfunctions of a computer.- The Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, September 15, 1987, page 40I pledge allegiance to the flagof the United States of Americaand to the republic for which it stands,one nation,...People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because ...My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo ofthe entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". -- Steven WrightYou can't have everything... where would you put it?-- Steven WrightI was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and4 people died.-- Steven WrightYou know that feeling when you're leaning back on a stool and it starts to tip over? Well, that's how I feel all the time.-- Steven WrightI came home the other night and tried to open the door with my car keys...and the building started up. So I took..."Live or die, I'll make a million."-- Reebus Kneebus, before his jump to the center of the earth, Firesign TheaterThe typical page layout program is nothing more than an electroniclight table for cutting and pasting documents.There are bugs and then there are bugs. And then there are bugs.-- Karl LehenbauerMy computer can beat up your computer.- Karl LehenbauerKill Ugly Processor Architectures- Karl LehenbauerKill Ugly Radio- Frank Zappa"Just Say No." - Nancy Reagan"No." - Ronald ReaganI believe that part of what propels science is the thirst for wonder. It's avery powerful emotion. All children...If science were explained to the average person in a way that is accessibleand exciting, there would be no room f..."I maintain there is much more wonder in science than in pseudoscience. Andin addition, to whatever measure this...I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-gence?" I give the standard argume...Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.- Indiana University fans' chant for their perennially bad football teamIf it's working, the diagnostics say it's fine.If it's not working, the diagnostics say it's fine.- A proposed addition to rules for realtime programming It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which allprimitive peoples and races speak in hymns...The characteristic property of hallucinogens, to suspend the boundaries betweenthe experiencing self and the oute...I share the belief of many of my contemporaries that the spiritual crisispervading all spheres of Western industr...Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and relatedhallucinogens, in contrast to spont...I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capabilitymore wisely, under suitable condition...In the realm of scientific observation, luck is granted only to those who areprepared.- Louis Pasteurcore error - bus dumpedIf imprinted foil seal under cap is broken or missing when purchased, do not use."Come on over here, baby, I want to do a thing with you."- A Cop, arresting a non-groovy person after the revolution, Firesign Theater"Ahead warp factor 1"- Captain Kirk Fiery energy lanced out, but the beams struck an intangible wall betweenthe Gubru and the rapidly turning Eart...Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.Felson's Law: To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research....Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as aninveterate skeptic I have closed my m...If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,and (c) gets better, then no power ...America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.- Oscar WildeUnix: Some say the learning curve is steep, but you only have to climb it once.-- Karl LehenbauerSometimes, too long is too long.- Joe CroweWhen bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one,an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.- Edmund BurkeBehind all the political rhetoric being hurled at us from abroad, we are bringing home one unassailable fact -- [..."Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst."- Thomas Paine"I say we take off; nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."- Corporal Hicks, in "Aliens""There is nothing so deadly as not to hold up to people the opportunity todo great and wonderful things, if we wi..."...proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and thedowntrodden, would naturally evolve from ..."Athens built the Acropolis. Corinth was a commercial city, interested inpurely materialistic things. Today we ..."Largely because it is so tangible and exciting a program and as such willserve to keep alive the interest and en...The challenge of space exploration and particularly of landing men on the moonrepresents the greatest challenge w...The idea of man leaving this earth and flying to another celestial body andlanding there and stepping out and wal...Human society - man in a group - rises out of its lethargy to new levels ofproductivity only under the stimulus o...The vigor of civilized societies is preserved by the widespread sense that highaims are worth-while. Vigorous so...I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign itselfto going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon...- Lyndon B. JohnsonLife's the same, except for the shoes.- The CarsPurple humAssorted carsLaser lights, you bringAll to proveYou're on the moveand vanishing- The CarsCould be you're crossing the fine lineA silly driver kind of...off the wallYou keep it cool when it's t-t-tight.....Adapt. Enjoy. Survive.Were there fewer fools, knaves would starve.- AnonymousHumanity has the stars in its future, and that future is too important to belost under the burden of juvenile folly and ignorant superstition.- Isaac AsimovAnd the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,turned to the Child and asked him to..."Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations ofSilly Putty."- Dennis Rawlins, astronomerTo date, the firm conclusions of Project Blue Book are: 1. no unidentified flying object reported, investigated...Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in theirhearts, without anguish in mind, without ...Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.- Kahlil GibranDoubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.- Paul Tillich, German theologian and historianDoubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.- VoltaireIf only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large depositin my name at a Swiss Bank.- Woody AllenI cannot affirm God if I fail to affirm man. Therefore, I affirm both.Without a belief in human unity I am hungr...To downgrade the human mind is bad theology.- C. K. Chesterton...difference of opinion is advantageious in religion. The several sectsperform the office of a common censor mo...Life is a process, not a principle, a mystery to be lived, not a problem tobe solved.- Gerard Straub, television ...So we follow our wandering paths, and the very darkness acts as our guide andour doubts serve to reassure us.- Je...Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurence of theimprobable.- H. L. MenckenAnd do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of Godupon your sex endures today; and with...I judge a religion as being good or bad based on whether its adherentsbecome better people as a result of practicing it.- Joe Mullally, computer salesmanImitation is the sincerest form of plagarism."Unibus timeout fatal trap program lost sorry"- An error message printed by DEC's RSTS operating system for the PDP-11How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly coloredpower tools.How many Bavarian Illuminati does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Three: one to screw it in, and one to confuse the issue.How long does it take a DEC field service engineer to change a lightbulb?It depends on how many bad ones he brought with him.It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God.It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.- Thomas JeffersonI do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the RomanChurch, by the Greek Church, by the Tur...God requireth not a uniformity of religion.- Roger WilliamsThe day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Beingas his Father, in the womb of a virg...Let us, then, fellow citizens, unite with one heart and one mind. Let usrestore to social intercourse that harmo...I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature.- Thomas JeffersonThe divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowherein the Gospels do we find a precept for C...The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I couldnever give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.- Abraham LincolnAs to Jesus of Nazareth...I think the system of Morals and his Religion,as he left them to us, the best the World...I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would havegotten the hostages released. I than...I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute --where no Catholic prelate would te...The truth is that Christian theology, like every other theology, is not onlyopposed to the scientific spirit; it ...The notion that science does not concern itself with first causes -- that itleaves the field to theology or metap...The evidence of the emotions, save in cases where it has strong objectivesupport, is really no evidence at all, f...There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,however marvelous it may seem today, wi...The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends andfellow passengers who are clinging to t...We're here to give you a computer, not a religion.- attributed to Bob Pariseau, at the introduction of the Amiga...there can be no public or private virtue unless the foundation of action isthe practice of truth.- George Jacob Holyoake"If you'll excuse me a minute, I'm going to have a cup of coffee."- broadcast from Apollo 11's LEM, "Eagle", to J...The meek are contesting the will.I'm sick of being trodden on! The Elder Gods say they can make me a man!All it costs is my soul! I'll do it, cu... On Krat's main screen appeared the holo image of a man, and several dolphins.From the man's shape, Krat could ..."I'm a mean green mother from outer space" -- Audrey II, The Little Shop of HorrorsLike my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.It doesn't seem plausible to me that the...Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.- Andy Finkel, computer guyBeing schizophrenic is better than living alone.NOWPRINT. NOWPRINT. Clemclone, back to the shadows again.- The Firesign TheaterYes, many primitive people still believe this myth...But in today's technical vastness of the future, we can gues......this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under sixmillion hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."- The Firesign TheaterWe want to create puppets that pull their own strings.- Ann MarionI know engineers. They love to change things.- Dr. McCoyOn our campus the UNIX system has proved to be not only an effective softwaretool, but an agent of technical and ...Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.- Henry Spencer, University of Toronto Unix hack"You know why there are so few sophisticated computer terrorists in the UnitedStates? Because your hackers have ..."Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper .... everyone waseating paper and a policeman was at the do...Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.- Mark TwainThe sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.- Ed BluestoneHe's dead, Jim.New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.- David LettermanYou can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.- Al CaponeThe fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip objectsinto a fountain or drink from one w...Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.- Frank ZappaI think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick andtired of being told that ordinary decent peopl..."There is no statute of limitations on stupidity."-- Randomly produced by a computer program called Markov3.There is a time in the tides of men,Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.On the other hand, don't count on it.- T. K. LawsonTo follow foolish precedents, and winkWith both our eyes, is easier than to think.- William CowperIt is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.- Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. - A.D. 65)One may be able to quibble about the quality of a single experiment, orabout the veracity of a given experimenter...Nothing ever becomes real until it is experienced.- John KeatsYour good nature will bring you unbounded happiness."Our journey toward the stars has progressed swiftly.In 1926 Robert H. Goddard launched the first liquid-propelle...Most people exhibit what political scientists call "the conservatism of thepeasantry." Don't lose what you've go..."We can't schedule an orgy, it might be construed as fighting"--Stanley SuttonWeekends were made for programming.- Karl Lehenbauer"Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the ......we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistentobservations and inferences by the thousan...This was the ultimate form of ostentation among technology freaks -- to havea system so complete and sophisticate...Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise ourpleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as we...Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural functionare perfectly correlated, that on...Prevalent beliefs that knowledge can be tapped from previous incarnations orfrom a "universal mind" (the reposito...... Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part ofthe person making the claim, not the ..."Ada is the work of an architect, not a computer scientist."- Jean Icbiah, inventor of Ada, weenieExtraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples ofoutsiders who eventually overthrew en...Evolution is a bankrupt speculative philosophy, not a scientific fact.Only a spiritually bankrupt society could e...Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going aroundthe sun. At one time this was calle......It is sad to find him belaboring the science community for its unitedopposition to ignorant creationists who w...... The book is worth attention for only two reasons: (1) it attacksattempts to expose sham paranormal studies; ...Now I lay me down to sleepI hear the sirens in the streetAll my dreams are made of chromeI have no way to get back home- Tom WaitsI am here by the will of the people and I won't leave until I get my raincoatback.- a slogan of the anarchists in Richard Kadrey's "Metrophage"How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to d...Mike's Law:For a lumber company employing two men and a cut-off saw, themarginal product of labor for any number ...As long as we're going to reinvent the wheel again, we might as well try makingit round this time.- Mike DennisonThis conjunction of an immense military establishment and a large arms industry is now in the American experience...This restaurant was advertising breakfast any time. So I orderedfrench toast in the renaissance.- Steven Wright, comedianEveryone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.- David LettermanA lot of the stuff I do is so minimal, and it's designed to be minimal.The smallness of it is what's attractive. ...e-credibility: the non-guaranteeable likelihood that the electronic data you're seeing is genuine rather than somebody's made-up crap.- Karl LehenbauerWhenever people agree with me, I always think I must be wrong.- Oscar WildeMy mother is a fish.- William FaulknerThe further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain itseems to me that the path to genuine ...The more a man is imbued with the ordered regularity of all events, the firmerbecomes his conviction that there i...Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,recognize that the domination of educ...Most non-Catholics know that the Catholic schools are rendering a greaterservice to our nation than the public sc...Those of us who believe in the right of any human being to belong to whateverchurch he sees fit, and to worship G...Spiritual leadership should remain spiritual leadership and the temporalpower should not become too important in any church.- Eleanor RooseveltTruth has always been found to promote the best interests of mankind...- Percy Bysshe ShelleyIf atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God isidentified with the unknowable, and theology...It is wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything uponinsufficient evidence.- W. K. Clifford, British philosopher, circa 1876Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem iswrapped in the profoundest mystery, do...Till then we shall be content to admit openly, what you (religionists)whisper under your breath or hide in techni...Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.- VoltaireWhat is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formedof frailty and error; let us pardon re...It is clear that the individual who persecutes a man, his brother, becausehe is not of the same opinion, is a monster.- VoltaireI simply try to aid in letting the light of historical truth into thatdecaying mass of outworn thought which atta...The man scarce lives who is not more credulous than he ought to be.... Thenatural disposition is always to believ...I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of tennissocks, not my style at all, but tha...However, on religious issures there can be little or no compromise.There is no position on which people are so im..."I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass."- Senator Barry Goldwater, when asked what he thought ......And no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assuredwe may be about certain aspects of our be......it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about theexistence of God in any recognizable sense c...A fanatic is a person who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.- Winston ChurchillWe're fighting against humanism, we're fighting against liberalism...we are fighting against all the systems of S...They [preachers] dread the advance of science as witches do the approachof daylight and scowl on the fatal harbin...Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proven innocent.- George OrwellAs I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subjectof religious communes and cults, one resul...Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficultthan to understand him.- Fyodor DostoevskiWe may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu shouldgovern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems...The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- allthe things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.- Rabbi Meir KahaneThe world is no nursery.- Sigmund FreudIf one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against anyconnection of State and Church, why it dreads ...Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling thatevery subject, every topic, every fact, eve...In the broad and final sense all institutions are educational in thesense that they operate to form the attitudes...History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,periodically grows too large for its t......I would go so far as to suggest that, were it not for our ego and concern to be different, the African apes wo...It is inconceivable that a judicious observer from another solar systemwould see in our species -- which has tend..."Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature. It's a piss-poorreptile and not very much of a bird."- Melvin..."You need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape."- Ellyn Mustard"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to create him." -Arthur C. Clarke"Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity?" -Ronald Reagan"There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know yet." -Ambrose Bierce"Plan to throw one away. You will anyway."- Fred Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"You need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape.- Ellyn Mustard"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to create him." -Arthur C. Clarke"Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity?" -Ronald Reagan"There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know yet." -Ambrose BierceThe Middle East is certainly the nexus of turmoil for a long time to come --with shifting players, but the same g......One thing is that, unlike any other Western democracy that I know of,this country has operated since its begin..."I have just one word for you, my boy...plastics."- from "The Graduate""There is such a fine line between genius and stupidity."- David St. Hubbins, "Spinal Tap""If Diet Coke did not exist it would have been neccessary to invent it."-- Karl LehenbauerI am approached with the most opposite opinions and advice, and by men whoare equally certain that they represent...In space, no one can hear you fart.Brain damage is all in your head.-- Karl LehenbauerWish and hope succeed in discerning signs of paranormality where reason andcareful scientific procedure fail.- James E. Alcock, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12"It is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try, butthe result's the same."- Mike Dennison"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simpleand so basic that we often forget to ment...It is not well to be thought of as one who meekly submits to insolence andintimidation."Regardless of the legal speed limit, your Buick must be operated atspeeds faster than 85 MPH (140kph)."-- 1987 Buick Grand National owners manual."Your attitude determines your attitude."-- Zig Ziglar, self-improvement doofusIn arguing that current theories of brain function cast suspicion on ESP,psychokinesis, reincarnation, and so on,...Thufir's a Harkonnen now."By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage otherdesigners in the thin disguise of good, clean..."If you want to eat hippopatomus, you've got to pay the freight."-- attributed to an IBM guy, about why IBM software uses so much memoryParkinson's Law: Work expands to fill the time alloted it.Karl's version of Parkinson's Law: Work expands to exceed the time alloted it.It is better to never have tried anything than to have tried something andfailed.- motto of jerks, weenies and losers everywhere"Our journeys to the stars will be made on spaceships created by determined,hardworking scientists and engineers ..."...all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned products,if they are built at all, are dog..."To take a significant step forward, you must make a series of finite improvements."-- Donald J. Atwood, General Motors"We will bury you."-- Nikita Kruschev"Now here's something you're really going to like!"-- Rocket J. Squirrel"How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars."-- Steve Martin"Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about."-- B. L. WhorfThe language provides a programmer with a set of conceptual tools; if these areinadequate for the task, they will..."For the love of phlegm...a stupid wall of death rays. How tacky can ya get?"- Post Brothers comics"Bureaucracy is the enemy of innovation."-- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments"An organization dries up if you don't challenge it with growth."-- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments"I've seen it. It's rubbish."-- Marvin the Paranoid AndroidOur business is run on trust. We trust you will pay in advance."Infidels in all ages have battled for the rights of man, and have at all timesbeen the fearless advocates of liberty and justice."-- Robert Green IngersollThe history of the rise of Christianity has everything to do with politics,culture, and human frailties and nothi...I find you lack of faith in the forth dithturbing.- Darse ("Darth") Vader"All Bibles are man-made."-- Thomas Edison"Spock, did you see the looks on their faces?""Yes, Captain, a sort of vacant contentment.""The triumph of libertarian anarchy is nearly (in historical terms) athand... *if* we can keep the Left from sell..."Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love."-- Albert Einstein"I think Michael is like litmus paper - he's always trying to learn."-- Elizabeth Taylor, absurd non-sequitir about Michael JacksonWhile it cannot be proved retrospectively that any experience of possession,conversion, revelation, or divine ecs..."A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on."- Samuel Goldwyn"We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement."-- Richard J. Daley"With molasses you catch flies, with vinegar you catch nobody."-- Baltimore City Councilman Dominic DiPietro"Lead us in a few words of silent prayer."-- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach"I couldn't remember things until I took that Sam Carnegie course."-- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach"Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my headis concerned."-- Baseball pitcher Bo Belinsky"Ninety percent of baseball is half mental."-- Yogi BerraTwo things are certain about science. It does not stand still for long,and it is never boring. Oh, among some p..."jackpot: you may have an unneccessary change record"-- message from "diff""One lawyer can steal more than a hundred men with guns."-- The GodfatherWhat's the difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman?A used car salesman knows when he's lying."Those who will be able to conquer software will be able to conquer theworld."-- Tadahiro Sekimoto, president, NEC Corp."There are some good people in it, but the orchestra as a whole is equivalentto a gang bent on destruction."-- John Cage, composer"I believe the use of noise to make music will increase until we reach amusic produced through the aid of electri...I did cancel one performance in Holland where they thought my music was so easythat they didn't rehearse at all. ..."One day I woke up and discovered that I was in love with tripe."-- Tom Anderson"Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch."-- Robert OrbenThe rule on staying alive as a program manager is to give 'em a number or give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.An optimist believes we live in the best world possible; a pessimist fears this is true."If John Madden steps outside on February 2, looks down, and doesn't see his feet, we'll have 6 more weeks of Pro football."-- Chuck NewcombeDead? No excuse for laying off work.Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself."When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic."-- John Kenneth Galbraith"Nature is very un-American. Nature never hurries."-- William George Jordan"We learn from history that we learn nothing from history."-- George Bernard Shaw"Flattery is all right -- if you don't inhale."-- Adlai Stevenson"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago."-- Bernard Berenson"Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are always high, and the results usually disappointing."-- Robert Orben"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices."-- William James"Tell the truth and run."-- Yugoslav proverb"The best index to a person's character is a) how he treats people who can't do him any good and b) how he treats..."Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning."-- Marlo Thomas"Life is a garment we continuously alter, but which never seems to fit."-- David McCord"The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults."-- Peter De Vries"It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them."-- Alfred Adler"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."-- Helen Keller"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."-- Albert Einstein"Success covers a multitude of blunders."-- George Bernard Shaw"The mark of an immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one."-- William Stekel"Yes, and I feel bad about rendering their useless carci into dogfood..."-- Badger comics"Is it really you, Fuzz, or is it Memorex, or is it radiation sickness?" -- Sonic Disruptors comics"Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons for it afterwards."-- Soren F. Petersen"You're a creature of the night, Michael. Wait'll Mom hears about this."-- from the movie "The Lost Boys""Plastic gun. Ingenious. More coffee, please."-- The Phantom comicsThe game of life is a game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy.If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average."A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten."-- Doug Larson"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."-- Walt West"Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone."-- G. B. Stearn"In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current."-- Thomas JeffersonThe first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left."But this one goes to eleven."-- Nigel Tufnel"Been through Hell? Whaddya bring back for me?"-- A. Brilliant"I don't know what their gripe is. A critic is simply someone paid to render opinions glibly." "Critics a..."I've got some amyls. We could either party later or, like, start his heart."-- "Cheech and Chong's Next Movie""Israel today announced that it is giving up. The Zionist state will dissolve in two weeks time, and its citizen..."And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers...SHOP OR DIE, people of Earth![offer void where prohibited]-- Capitalists from outer space, from Justice League Int'l comics"Roman Polanski makes his own blood. He's smart -- that's why his movies work."-- A brilliant director at "Frank's Place""The following is not for the weak of heart or Fundamentalists."-- Dave Barry"I take Him shopping with me. I say, 'OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain'" --Tammy Faye BakkerGary Hart: living proof that you *can* screw your brains out.Blessed be those who initiate lively discussions with the hopelessly mute,for they shall be know as Dentists."I don't believe in sweeping social change being manifested by one person, unless he has an atomic weapon."-- Howard Chaykin"Ever free-climbed a thousand foot vertical cliff with 60 pounds of gear strapped to your butt?" "No.""'Course ..."I mean, like, I just read your article in the Yale law recipe, on search andseizure. Man, that was really Out T..."Hi, I'm Professor Alan Ginsburg... But you can call me... Captain Toke."-- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNLIt's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff."Time is money and money can't buy you love and I love your outfit"- T.H.U.N.D.E.R. #1"Can't you just gesture hypnotically and make him disappear?" "It does not work that way. RUN!"-- Hadji on metaphyics and Mandrake in "Johnny Quest""You shouldn't make my toaster angry."-- Household security explained in "Johnny Quest" "Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully."-- Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse"And kids... learn something from Susie and Eddie. If you think there's a maniacal psycho-geek in the basement: ...Victory or defeat!"Everyone is entitled to an *informed* opinion."-- Harlan Ellison"It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse! This gun is so futuristic that even *I* don't know how it works!"-- from Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."-- George CarlinA university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem. "Daddy, Daddy, make Santa Claus go away!" "I can't, son; he's grown too powerful." "HO HO HO!"-- Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre"If it's not loud, it doesn't work!"-- Blank Reg, from "Max Headroom""Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you're the one holding it"-- Captain CombatDelta: We never make the same mistake three times. -- David LettermanDelta: A real man lands where he wants to. -- David LettermanDelta: The kids will love our inflatable slides. -- David LettermanDelta: We're Amtrak with wings. -- David Letterman"Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. -- John Kenneth Galbraith"Hello again, Peabody here..."-- Mister Peabody"It's the best thing since professional golfers on 'ludes."-- Rick Obidiah"To your left is the marina where several senior cabinet officials keep luxury yachts for weekend cruises on the ..."Well, social relevance is a schtick, like mysteries, social relevance, science fiction..."-- Art Spiegelman"One of the problems I've always had with propaganda pamphlets is that they're real boring to look at. They're j..."If you took everyone who's ever been to a Dead show, and lined them up, they'd stretch halfway to the moon and b..."And remember: Evil will always prevail, because Good is dumb."-- SpaceballsWhy are many scientists using lawyers for medicalexperiments instead of rats? a) There are more lawyers than rat... "During the race We may eat your dust, But when you graduate, You'll work for us." -- Reed College cheerPohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite,..."We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand."-- James Watt"I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness."-- Steve Martin"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."-- Woody AllenNoncombatant: A dead Quaker.-- Ambrose Bierce"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again."-- Clint EastwoodA lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.-- Lew ColQ: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool mom."Because he's a character who's looking for his own identity, [He-Man is] an interesting role for an actor."-- Dolph Lundgren, "actor""If Jesus came back today, and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."-- Max Von Sydow's character in "Hannah and Her Sisters""Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Ca..."In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, G..."Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core."-- Hannah Arendt.Quod licet Iovi non licet bovi.(What Jove may do, is not permitted to a cow.)"I distrust a man who says 'when.' If he's got to be careful not to drink too much, it's because he's not to be ..."I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk and says the wrong things. Talking's...All extremists should be taken out and shot."The sixties were good to you, weren't they?"-- George Carlin"You stay here, Audrey -- this is between me and the vegetable!"-- Seymour, from _Little Shop Of Horrors_From Sharp minds come... pointed heads.-- Bryan SparrowhawkThere are two kinds of egotists: 1) Those who admit it 2) The rest of us"The picture's pretty bleak, gentlemen... The world's climates are changing, the mammals are taking over, and we..."We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities."-- Robin Williams, _Good Morning Vietnam_Why won't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy."You know, we've won awards for this crap."-- David LettermanIt was pity stayed his hand."Pity I don't have any more bullets," thought Frito.-- _Bored_of_the_Rings_, a Harvard Lampoon parody of TolkeinA good USENET motto would be: a. "Together, a strong community." b. "Computers R Us." c. "I'm sick of programming..."He didn't run for reelection. `Politics brings you into contact with all the people you'd give anything to avoid..."If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?"-- Garrison Keillor"Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk."-- TV Guide, describing the Star Trek episode _Amok_Time_"Poor man... he was like an employee to me."-- The police commisioner on "Sledge Hammer" laments the death of his bodyguard"Trust me. I know what I'm doing."-- Sledge Hammer"Hi. This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number... and after I've doctored the ..."All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable."-- Fran Lebowitz"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"-- Lily TomlinWhom the gods would destroy, they first teach BASIC."Look! There! Evil!.. pure and simple, total evil from the Eighth Dimension!"-- Buckaroo Banzai"I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid"-- the artificial person, from _Aliens_"The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy."-- Louisiana governor Edwin EdwardsDavid Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans": * Greatest number of citizens who have actually board..."Danger, you haven't seen the last of me!" "No, but the first of you turns my stomach!"-- The Firesign Theatre's Nick DangerPray to God, but keep rowing to shore. -- Russian Proverb"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." -- Howard Aiken"When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean `not really.'" -- David Parnas"No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it." -- C. Schulz"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already ..."For the man who has everything... Penicillin." -- F. Borquin "I've finally learned what `upward compatible' means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes." -- Dennie van Tassel"The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones." -- Nathaniel Howe"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underware."-- Norm, from _Cheers_Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or o..."He don't know me vewy well, DO he?" -- Bugs Bunny"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."-- Daffy Duck, Looney Tunes, _Robin Hood Daffy_"Would I turn on the gas if my pal Mugsy were in there?" "You might, rabbit, you might!"-- Looney Tunes, Bugs and Thugs (1954, Friz Freleng)"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."-- Looney Tunes, Ali Baba Bunny (1957, Chuck Jones)"And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?"-- Looney Tunes, The Scarlet Pumpernickel (1950, Chuck Jones)"Now I've got the bead on you with MY disintegrating gun. And when it disintegrates, it disintegrates. (pulls t..."Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit!"-- Looney Tunes, "What's Opera Doc?" (1957, Chuck Jones)"I DO want your money, because god wants your money!"-- The Reverend Jimmy, from _Repo_Man_"The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is a..."You show me an American who can keep his mouth shut and I'll eat him."-- Newspaperman from Frank Capra's _Meet_John_Doe_ "And we heard him exclaim As he started to roam: `I'm a hologram, kids, please don't try this at home!'" -- ..."The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged..."There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum."--Arthur C. Clarke"They ought to make butt-flavored cat food." --Gallagher"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."--Woody Allen"It's ten o'clock... Do you know where your AI programs are?" -- Peter Oakley"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd hav..."Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of peopl..."Tourists -- have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your dr..."An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primit..."Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were a..."If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with pool cues, who would win? 1) Ricky Schroder 2)..."If you are beginning to doubt what I am saying, you are probably hallucinating."-- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_What to do in case of an alien attack: 1) Hide beneath the seat of your plane and look away. 2) Avoid e..."Nuclear war would really set back cable."- Ted Turner"You tweachewous miscweant!"-- Elmer Fudd"I saw _Lassie_. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid never spoke. I mean, he could roll over an..."Open Channel D..."-- Napoleon Solo, The Man From U.N.C.L.E.Save the whales. Collect the whole set.Support Mental Health. Or I'll kill you."The pyramid is opening!" "Which one?""The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"-- The Firesign Theatre"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, targetLos Angeles. Disregard personal feelings ..."My sense of purpose is gone! I have no idea who I AM!" "Oh, my God... You've.. You've turned him into a DEMOCRAT!"-- Doonesbury"You are WRONG, you ol' brass-breasted fascist poop!"-- Bloom County"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can* you believe?!" -- Bullwinkle J. Moose"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberrys!"-- Monty Python and the Holy Grail"Take that, you hostile sons-of-bitches!"-- James Coburn, in the finale of _The_President's_Analyst_"The voters have spoken, the bastards..."-- unknown"I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk" -- John Huston"Be there. Aloha."-- Steve McGarret, _Hawaii Five-Oh_"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro..."-- Hunter S. Thompson"Say yur prayers, yuh flea-pickin' varmint!"-- Yosemite Sam"There... I've run rings 'round you logically"-- Monty Python's Flying Circus"Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!"-- The Ghostbusters...Veloz is indistinguishable from hundreds of other electronics businessesin the Valley, run by eager young engi..."Just the facts, Ma'am"-- Joe Friday"I have five dollars for each of you."-- Bernhard GoetzMausoleum: The final and funniest folly of the rich.-- Ambrose BierceRiches: A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in whom Iam well pleased."-- John D. Rockefeller, (slander by Ambrose Bierce)All things are either sacred or profane.The former to ecclesiasts bring gain;The latter to the devil appertain.-- Dumbo OmohundroSaint: A dead sinner revised and edited.-- Ambrose BierceForty two.Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.-- Ambrose BierceAbsolute: Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is one in whichthe sovereign does as he pleases so l...Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself apleasure. A total abstainer is one wh...Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have theirhands so deeply inserted in each oth...Disobedience: The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.-- Ambrose BierceEgotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.-- Ambrose BierceAdministration: An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receivethe kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president.-- Ambrose BierceA penny saved is a penny to squander.-- Ambrose BierceOcean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man --who has no gills.-- Ambrose BiercePhysician: One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.-- Ambrose BiercePhilosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.-- Ambrose BiercePolitics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.-- Ambrose BiercePolitician: An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure oforganized society is reared. When he ...Pray: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a singlepetitioner confessedly unworthy.-- Ambrose BiercePresidency: The greased pig in the field game of American politics.-- Ambrose BierceProboscis: The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in placeof the knife-and-fork that Evolution ha...Inadmissible: Not competent to be considered. Said of certain kinds oftestimony which juries are supposed to be..."Today's robots are very primitive, capable of understanding only a few simple instructions such as 'go left', 'go right', and 'build car'." --John Sladek"In the fight between you and the world, back the world." --Frank ZappaHere is an Appalachian version of management's answer to those who are concerned with the fate of the project:"Do...Ill-chosen abstraction is particularly evident in the design of the ADAruntime system. The interface to the ADA r..."Being against torture ought to be sort of a bipartisan thing."-- Karl Lehenbauer"Here comes Mr. Bill's dog."-- Narrator, Saturday Night LiveSex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any."Maintain an awareness for contribution -- to your schedule, your project, our company." -- A Group of Employees"Ask not what A Group of Employees can do for you. But ask what can All Employees do for A Group of Employees." -- Mike DennisonOne evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated at dinneralongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the dis...Many aligators will be slain,but the swamp will remain.What the gods would destroy they first submit to an IEEE standards committee.This is now. Later is later."I will make no bargains with terrorist hardware."-- Peter da Silva"If I do not return to the pulpit this weekend, millions of people will goto hell."-- Jimmy Swaggart, 5/20/88"Dump the condiments. If we are to be eaten, we don't need to taste good."-- "Visionaries" cartoon"Aww, if you make me cry anymore, you'll fog up my helmet."-- "Visionaries" cartoonI don't want to be young again, I just don't want to get any older.Marriage Ceremony: An incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and the law being dragged into the affairs of your family.-- O. C. Ogilvie "Emergency!" Sgiggs screamed, ejecting himself from the tub like it wasa burning car. "Dial 'one'! Get room ...When it is incorrect, it is, at least *authoritatively* incorrect.-- Hitchiker's Guide To The GalaxyWe decided it was night again, so we camped for twenty minutes and drank another six beers at a Young Life campsi...Voodoo Programming: Things programmers do that they know shouldn't work butthey try anyway, and which sometimes ...This is, of course, totally uninformed specualation that I engage in to help support my bias against such meddlin..."This knowledge I pursure is the finest pleasure I have ever known. I couldno sooner give it up that I could the..."I got everybody to pay up front...then I blew up their planet." "Now why didn't I think of that?"-- Post Bros. Comics"Atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed."-- Robin, The Boy WonderThe F-15 Eagle: If it's up, we'll shoot it down. If it's down, we'll blow it up.-- A McDonnel-Douglas ad from a few years ago"The Amiga is the only personal computer where you can run a multitasking operating system and get realtime performance, out of the box."-- Peter da Silva"It's my cookie file and if I come up with something that's lame and I like it,it goes in."-- karl (Karl Lehenbauer)In recognizing AT&T Bell Laboratories for corporate innovation, for itsinvention of cellular mobile communication......the Soviets have the capability to try big projects. If there is a goal,such as when Gorbachev states that th...There is something you must understand about the Soviet system. They have theability to concentrate all their ef...DE: The Soviets seem to have difficulty implementing modern technology. Would you comment on that?Belenko: ..."I have a friend who just got back from the Soviet Union, and told me the peoplethere are hungry for information ..."...I could accept this openness, glasnost, perestroika, or whatever you wantto call it if they did these things:..."Remember Kruschev: he tried to do too many things too fast, and he was removed in disgrace. If Gorbachev tries...FORTRAN? The syntactically incorrect statement "DO 10 I = 1.10" will parse andgenerate code creating a variable,..."I knew then (in 1970) that a 4-kbyte minicomputer would cost as much asa house. So I reasoned that after colleg...HP had a unique policy of allowing its engineers to take parts from stock aslong as they built something. "They ..."I just want to be a good engineer."-- Steve Wozniak, co-founder of Apple Computer, concluding his keynote speech at the 1988 AppleFest"There's always been Tower of Babel sort of bickering inside Unix, but thisis the most extreme form ever. This m..."When in doubt, print 'em out."-- Karl's Programming Proverb 0x7"If you want the best things to happen in corporate life you have to find waysto be hospitable to the unusual per..."In corporate life, I think there are three important areas which contractscan't deal with, the area of conflict,...Another goal is to establish a relationship "in which it is OK for everybodyto do their best. There are an awful...In his book, Mr. DePree tells the story of how designer George Nelson urgedthat the company also take on Charles ...Mr. DePree believes participative capitalism is the wave of the future. TheU.S. work force, he believes, "more a...Mr. DePree also expects a "tremendous social change" in all workplaces. "WhenI first started working 40 years ag...Fools ignore complexity. Pragmatists suffer it.Some can avoid it. Geniuses remove it.-- Perlis's Programming Proverb #58, SIGPLAN Notices, Sept. 1982"What if" is a trademark of Hewlett Packard, so stop using it in yoursentences without permission, or risk being sued.Now, if the leaders of the world -- people who are leaders by virtue of political, military or financial power, a...The essential ideas of Algol 68 were that the whole language should beprecisely defined and that all the pieces s..."We came. We saw. We kicked its ass."-- Bill Murray, _Ghostbusters_"The stars are made of the same atoms as the earth." I usually pick one smalltopic like this to give a lecture o...If you permit yourself to read meanings into (rather than drawing meanings outof) the evidence, you can draw any ..."Pseudocode can be used to some extent to aid the maintenanceprocess. However, pseudocode that is highly detaile..."Only a brain-damaged operating system would support task switching and notmake the simple next step of supporting multitasking."-- George McFrySigmund Freud is alleged to have said that in the last analysis the entire fieldof psychology may reduce to biological electrochemistry.The magician is seated in his high chair and looks upon the world with favor.He is at the height of his powers. ...An Animal that knows who it is, one that has a sense of his own identity, isa discontented creature, doomed to cr...A comment on schedules: Ok, how long will it take? For each manager involved in initial meetings add one mo... UNIX Shell is the Best Fourth Generation Programming Language It is the UNIX shell that makes it possible ..."Laugh while you can, monkey-boy."-- Dr. Emilio Lizardo"Floggings will continue until morale improves."-- anonymous flyer being distributed at Exxon USA"Hey Ivan, check your six."-- Sidewinder missile jacket patch, showing a Sidewinder driving up the tail of a Russian Su-27"Free markets select for winning solutions."-- Eric S. Raymond"I dislike companies that have a we-are-the-high-priests-of-hardware-so-you'll-like-what-we-give-you attitude. I..."The urge to destroy is also a creative urge."-- Bakunin[ed. note - I would say: The urge to destroy may sometimes be a creative urge.]"A commercial, and in some respects a social, doubt has been started within the last year or two, whether or not ... In respect to lock-making, there can scarcely be such a thing as dishonesty of intention: the inventor produces..."Wish not to seem, but to be, the best."-- Aeschylus"Survey says..."-- Richard Dawson, weenie, on "Family Feud""Paul Lynde to block..."-- a contestant on "Hollywood Squares""Little else matters than to write good code."-- Karl LehenbauerTo write good code is a worthy challenge, and a source of civilized delight.-- stolen and paraphrased from William Safire"Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward"-- William E. Davidsen"If a computer can't directly address all the RAM you can use, it's just a toy."-- anonymous comp.sys.amiga posting, non-sequitir"Never laugh at live dragons, Bilbo you fool!" he said to himself, and it becamea favourite saying of his later, ..."A dirty mind is a joy forever."-- Randy Kunkee"You can't teach seven foot."-- Frank Layton, Utah Jazz basketball coach, when asked why he had recruited a seven-foot tall auto mechanic"A car is just a big purse on wheels."-- Johanna Reynolds"History is a tool used by politicians to justify their intentions."-- Ted Koppel"Gozer the Gozerian: As the duly appointed representative of the city,county and state of New York, I hereby ord...It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, moredoubtful of success, nor more dangerous t...God grant me the senility to accept the things I cannot change,The frustration to try to change things I cannot affect,and the wisdom to tell the difference.First as to speech. That privilege rests upon the premise thatthere is no proposition so uniformly acknowledged ...The late rebellion in Massachusetts has given more alarm than I think it should have done. Calculate that one re..."Nine years of ballet, asshole."-- Shelly Long, to the bad guy after making a jump over a gorge that he couldn't quite, in "Outrageous Fortune"You are in a maze of UUCP connections, all alike."If that man in the PTL is such a healer, why can't he make his wife's hairdo go down?"-- Robin Williams8) Use common sense in routing cable. Avoid wrapping coax around sources of strong electric or magnetic fi..."What a wonder is USENET; such wholesale production of conjecture fromsuch a trifling investment in fact."-- Carl S. GutekunstVMS must die!MS-DOS must die!OS/2 must die!Pournelle must die!Garbage In, Gospel Out"Being against torture ought to be sort of a multipartisan thing."-- Karl Lehenbauer, as amended by Jeff Daiell, a Libertarian"Facts are stupid things."-- President Ronald Reagan (a blooper from his speeach at the '88 GOP convention)"The argument that the literal story of Genesis can qualify as sciencecollapses on three major grounds: the creat..."An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of code."-- an anonymous programmer"To IBM, 'open' means there is a modicum of interoperability among some of theirequipment."-- Harv Masterson"Just think of a computer as hardware you can program."-- Nigel de la Tierre"If you own a machine, you are in turn owned by it, and spend your time serving it..."-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, _The Forbidden Tower_"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."-- Albert Einstein"Card readers? We don't need no stinking card readers."-- Peter da Silva (at the National Academy of Sciencies, 1965, in a particularly vivid fantasy)Your good nature will bring unbounded happiness.Semper Fi, dude.Excitement and danger await your induction to tracer duty! As a tracer,you must rid the computer networks of sli..."An entire fraternity of strapping Wall-Street-bound youth. Hell - thisis going to be a blood bath!"-- Post Bros. Comics"Neighbors!! We got neighbors! We ain't supposed to have any neighbors, andI just had to shoot one."-- Post Bros. Comics"Gotcha, you snot-necked weenies!"-- Post Bros. Comicsinterlard - vt., to intersperse; diversify-- Webster's New World Dictionary Of The American Language"Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it."-- Mark Twain"How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?" "FIFTEEN!! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?""If you weren't my teacher, I'd think you just deleted all my files."-- an anonymous UCB CS student, to an instru..."The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who, in times of moralcrisis, preserved their neutrality."-- Dante"The medium is the message."-- Marshall McLuhan"The medium is the massage."-- Crazy Nigel"Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser."-- Vince Lombardi, football coach"It might help if we ran the MBA's out of Washington."-- Admiral Grace HopperRefreshed by a brief blackout, I got to my feet and went next door.-- Martin Amis, _Money_The sprung doors parted and I staggered out into the lobby's teak and flicker.Uniformed men stood by impassively ...I ask only one thing. I'm understanding. I'm mature. And it isn't much toask. I want to get back to London, a..."Love may fail, but courtesy will previal."-- A Kurt Vonnegut fanNew York is a jungle, they tell you. You could go further, and say thatNew York is a jungle. New York *is a jun...Now I was heading, in my hot cage, down towards meat-market country on thetip of the West Village. Here the redb..."You tried it just for once, found it alright for kicks, but now you find out you have a habit that sticks, you'r..."There is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress."-- Mark Twain"You'll pay to know what you really think."-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs"We live, in a very kooky time."-- Herb Blashtfalt"Pull the wool over your own eyes!"-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs"Okay," Bobby said, getting the hang of it, "then what's the matrix? Ifshe's a deck, and Danbala's a program, wh..."Our reruns are better than theirs."-- Nick at NiteLife is a game. Money is how we keep score.-- Ted Turner"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."-- The Wizard Of Oz"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."-- Karl, as he stepped behind the computer to reboot it, during a FAT"It ain't so much the things we don't know that get us in trouble. It's thethings we know that ain't so."-- Artemus Ward aka Charles Farrar Brown"Don't discount flying pigs before you have good air defense."-- jvh@clinet.FI"In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble."-- Alan Perlis"Pok pok pok, P'kok!"-- SuperchickenLive Free or Live in Massachusettes."You can't get very far in this world without your dossier being there first."-- Arthur Miller"Flight Reservation systems decide whether or not you exist. If your informationisn't in their database, then you..."What people have been reduced to are mere 3-D representations of their own data."-- Arthur Miller"The Avis WIZARD decides if you get to drive a car. Your head won't touch thepillow of a Sheraton unless their computer says it's okay."-- Arthur Miller"They know your name, address, telephone number, credit card numbers, who ELSEis driving the car "for insurance",..."Data is a lot like humans: It is born. Matures. Gets married to other data,divorced. Gets old. One thing tha..."People should have access to the data which you have about them. There should be a process for them to challenge any inaccuracies."-- Arthur Miller"Although Poles suffer official censorship, a pervasive secretpolice and laws similar to those in the USSR, there..."There is also a thriving independent student movement inPoland, and thus there is a strong possibility (though n..."Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture,an intransigent mind, and a step that ...Don't panic.The bug stops here.The bug starts here."Why waste negative entropy on comments, when you could use the sameentropy to create bugs instead?"-- Steve Elias"The pathology is to want control, not that you ever get it, because ofcourse you never do."-- Gregory Bateson"Your butt is mine."-- Michael Jackson, BadShip it."Once they go up, who cares where they come down? That's not my department."-- Werner von Braun"When the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to treat everything as ifit were a nail."-- Abraham Maslow"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."-- The New Mighty Mouse"The lesser of two evils -- is evil."-- Seymour (Sy) Leon"It's no sweat, Henry. Russ made it back to Bugtown before he died. So he'llregenerate in a couple of days. It..."An honest god is the noblest work of man. ... God has always resembled hiscreators. He hated and loved what th..."We are not endeavoring to chain the future but to free the present. ... We arethe advocates of inquiry, investig..."I honestly believe that the doctrine of hell was born in the glittering eyesof snakes that run in frightful coil..."Is this foreplay?" "No, this is Nuke Strike. Foreplay has lousy graphics. Beat me again."-- Duckert, in "Bad Rubber," Albedo #0 (comics)egrep patterns are full regular expressions; it uses a fast deterministicalgorithm that sometimes needs exponential space.-- unix manuals"A mind is a terrible thing to have leaking out your ears."-- The League of Sadistic Telepaths"Life sucks, but it's better than the alternative."-- Peter da SilvaIf this is a service economy, why is the service so bad?"I shall expect a chemical cure for psychopathic behavior by 10 A.M. tomorrow,or I'll have your guts for spaghetti."-- a comic panel by Cotham "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."-- Will Rogers"An open mind has but one disadvantage: it collects dirt."-- a saying at RPI"The geeks shall inherit the earth."-- Karl Lehenbauer"Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers."-- Chip Salzenberg"Elvis is my copilot."-- Cal Keegan"The fundamental principle of science, the definition almost, is this: thesole test of the validity of any idea is experiment."-- Richard P. FeynmanHow many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? Let's see, can you use a shell script for that or does it need a C program?"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I'm beautiful, smart and rich."-- Calvin Keegan"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always socertain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."-- Bertrand RussellAlways look over your shoulder because everyone is watching and plottingagainst you."Let us condemn to hellfire all those who disagree with us."-- militant religionists everywhereBaby On Board."The net result is a system that is not only binary compatible with 4.3 BSD,but is even bug for bug compatible in..."The number of Unix installations has grown to 10, with more expected."-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June, 1972"Engineering without management is art."-- Jeff Johnson"I'm not a god, I was misquoted."-- Lister, Red DwarfBrain off-line, please wait.-- -- uunet!sugar!karl | "We've been following your progress with considerable -- karl@sugar.uu.net | interest,...Are you having fun yet?"The vast majority of successful major crimes against property areperpetrated by individuals abusing positions of trust."-- Lawrence Dalzell"Perhaps I am flogging a straw herring in mid-stream, but in the light ofwhat is known about the ubiquity of secu..."Seed me, Seymour"-- a random number generator meets the big green mother from outer space"Buy land. They've stopped making it."-- Mark Twain"Open the pod bay doors, HAL."-- Dave Bowman, 2001"There was no difference between the behavior of a god and the operations ofpure chance..."-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_...Saure really turns out to be an adept at the difficult art of papryomancy,the ability to prophesy through cont...Go ahead, capitalize the T on technology, deify it if it will make you feelless responsible -- but it puts you in......the prevailing Catholic odor - incense, wax, centuries of mild bleatingfrom the lips of the flock.-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_...At that time [the 1960s], Bell Laboratories scientists projected thatcomputer speeds as high as 30 million flo...backups: always in season, never out of style."There was a vague, unpleasant manginess about his appearence; he somehowseemed dirty, though a close glance show...Work was impossible. The geeks had broken my spirit. They had done toomany things wrong. It was never like thi..."This generation may be the one that will face Armageddon."-- Ronald Reagan, "People" magazine, December 26, 1985... The cable had passed us by; the dish was the only hope, and eventuallywe were all forced to turn to it. By t..."Call immediately. Time is running out. We both need to do somethingmonstrous before we die."-- Message from Ralph Steadman to Hunter Thompson"The only way for a reporter to look at a politician is down."-- H.L. Mencken"You don't go out and kick a mad dog. If you have a mad dog with rabies, youtake a gun and shoot him."-- Pat Robertson, TV Evangelist, about Muammar KadhafyDavid Brinkley: The daily astrological charts are precisely where, in my judgment, they belong, and that is on t...The reported resort to astrology in the White House has occasioned muchmerriment. It is not funny. Astrological...Astrology is the sheerest hokum. This pseudoscience has been around sincethe day of the Chaldeans and Babylonian...A serious public debate about the validity of astrology? A serious believerin the White House? Two of them? Gi...The spectacle of astrology in the White House -- the governing center ofthe world's greatest scientific and milit...[Astrology is] 100 percent hokum, Ted. As a matter of fact, the first editionof the Encyclopaedia Britannica, wr...Even if we put all these nagging thoughts [four embarrassing questions aboutastrology] aside for a moment, one ov...With the news that Nancy Reagan has referred to an astrologer when planningher husband's schedule, and reports of...miracle: an extremely outstanding or unusual event, thing, or accomplishment.-- Webster's Dictionary"The computer programmer is a creator of universes for which he alone is responsible. Universes of virtually unli..."If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong."-- Norm Schryer"May your future be limited only by your dreams."-- Christa McAuliffe"It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to becoming up it."-- Henry Allen"Life begins when you can spend your spare time programming instead ofwatching television."-- Cal KeeganEat shit -- billions of flies can't be wrong."We never make assertions, Miss Taggart," said Hugh Akston. "That isthe moral crime peculiar to our enemies. We..."I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes."-- George Carlin"My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol." -- George Carlin"I turn on my television set. I see a young lady who goes under the guiseof being a Christian, known all over th..."So-called Christian rock. . . . is a diabolical force undermining Christianity from within."-- Jimmy Swaggart, h..."Anyone attempting to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, ofcourse, living in a state of sin."-- John Von Neumann"You must have an IQ of at least half a million." -- Popeye"Freedom is still the most radical idea of all."-- Nathaniel BrandenAren't you glad you're not getting all the government you pay for now?"I never let my schooling get in the way of my education."-- Mark TwainThese screamingly hilarious gogs ensure owners of X Ray Gogs to be the lifeof any party.-- X-Ray Gogs InstructionsA student asked the master for help... does this program run from theWorkbench? The master grabbed the mouse and ..."Thank heaven for startups; without them we'd never have any advances."-- Seymour Cray"Out of register space (ugh)"-- vi"Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favorof journalism in that by giving us the opinion of..."Ada is PL/I trying to be Smalltalk.-- Codoso diBlini"The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by mean of zeal,well-meaning but without understa..."'Tis true, 'tis pity, and pity 'tis 'tis true."-- Poloniouius, in Willie the Shake's _Hamlet, Prince of Darkness_"All the people are so happy now, their heads are caving in. I'm glad theyare a snowman with protective rubber skin" -- They Might Be Giants"Indecision is the basis of flexibility"-- button at a Science Fiction convention."Sometimes insanity is the only alternative"-- button at a Science Fiction convention."Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time."-- a coffee cup"The most important thing in a man is not what he knows, but what he is."-- Narciso Yepes"All we are given is possibilities -- to make ourselves one thing or another."-- Ortega y Gasset"We will be better and braver if we engage and inquire than if we indulge inthe idle fancy that we already know -..."To undertake a project, as the word's derivation indicates, means to cast anidea out ahead of oneself so that it..."We cannot put off living until we are ready. The most salient characteristicof life is its coerciveness; it is ..."From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere."-- Dr. Seuss"When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest."-- Bullwinkle MooseRemember, an int is not always 16 bits. I'm not sure, but if the 80386 is onestep closer to Intel's slugfest wit..."Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not carewhat I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be fo..."An Academic speculated whether a bather is beautifulif there is none in the forest to admire her. He hidin the b...1 1 was a race-horse, 2 2 was 1 2. When 1 1 1 1 race, 2 2 1 1 2."I figured there was this holocaust, right, and the only ones left alive were Donna Reed, Ozzie and Harriet, and ..."Engineering meets art in the parking lot and things explode."-- Garry Peterson, about Survival Research Labs"Why can't we ever attempt to solve a problem in this country without havinga 'War' on it?" -- Rich Thomson, talk.politics.misc ...and before I knew what I was doing, I had kicked the typewriter and threw it around the room and ma...Professional wrestling: ballet for the common man."An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than acabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup." - H.L. Mencken "Are those cocktail-waitress fingernail marks?" I asked Colletti as heshowed us these scratches on his chest...."Never give in. Never give in. Never. Never. Never."-- Winston Churchill"Never ascribe to malice that which is caused by greed and ignorance."-- Cal Keegan"Despite its suffix, skepticism is not an "ism" in the sense of a beliefor dogma. It is simply an approach to th..."If you want to know what happens to you when you die, go look at some deadstuff."-- Dave Enyeart"After one week [visiting Austria] I couldn't wait to go back to the United States. Everything was much more ple..."I prefer rogues to imbeciles, because they sometimes take a rest."-- Alexandre Dumas (fils) Well, punk is kind of anti-ethical, anyway. Its ethics, so to speak,include a disdain for ethics in general. I... I think for the most part that the readership here uses the c-word ina similar fashion. I don't think anybody r... So we get to my point. Surely people around here read things thataren't on the *Officially Sanctioned Cyberpunk..."Everyone's head is a cheap movie show."-- Jeff G. BoneLife is full of concepts that are poorly defined. In fact, there are very few concepts that aren't. It's hard t......cyberpunk wants to see the mind as mechanistic & duplicable,challenging basic assumptions about the nature of ...It might be worth reflecting that this group was originally createdback in September of 1987 and has exchanged ov......I don't care for the term 'mechanistic'. The word 'cybernetic' is a lotmore apropos. The mechanistic world-vie...As for the basic assumptions about individuality and self, this is the coreof what I like about cyberpunk. And it...Who are the artists in the Computer Graphics Show? Wavefront's latest box, or the people who programmed it? Sho...Trailing Edge Technologies is pleased to announce the followingTETflame programme:1) For a negotiated price (no q..."As I was walking among the fires of Hell, delighted with the enjoyments of Genius; which to Angels look like tor... HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 1proof by example: The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it contains m... HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 2proof by cumbersome notation: Best done with access to at least four alphabets and spec... HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 3proof by obfuscation: A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless syntacticall... HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 4proof by personal communication: 'Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-compl... HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 5proof by accumulated evidence: Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexamp... HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 6proof by picture: A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well with proof... HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 7proof by forward reference: Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, ... [May one] doubt whether, in cheese and timber, worms are generated, or, if beetles and wasps, in c...Seen on a button at an SF Convention:Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force. 1990-1951."If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,then we are a sorry lot indeed."-- Albert Einstein"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, which isthe exact opposite."-- Bertrand Russell, _Sceptical_Essays_, 1928"Were there no women, men might live like gods."-- Thomas Dekker"Intelligence without character is a dangerous thing."-- G. Steinem"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god isdumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."-- Frank Zappa"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."-- Cal Keegan"Let me guess, Ed. Pentescostal, right?"-- Starcap'n Ra, ra@asuvax.asu.edu"Nope. Charismatic (I think - I've gi..."BTW, does Jesus know you flame?"-- Diane Holt, dianeh@binky.UUCP, to Ed Carp"I've seen the forgeries I've sent out."-- John F. Haugh II (jfh@rpp386.Dallas.TX.US), about forging net news articles"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some of the few remaining bits of your brain jus..."Bite off, dirtball."Richard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM"Oh my! An `inflammatory attitude' in alt.flame? Never heard of sucha thing..."-- Allen Gwinn, allen@sulaco.Sigma.COM(null cookie; hope that's ok)"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with realityat any point."-- Friedrich Nietzsche"Who alone has reason to *lie himself out* of actuality? He who *suffers* from it."-- Friedrich Nietzsche"You who hate the Jews so, why did you adopt their religion?"-- Friedrich Nietzsche, addressing anti-semitic Christians"Little prigs and three-quarter madmen may have the conceit that the laws of nature are constantly broken for their sakes."-- Friedrich Nietzsche"Science makes godlike -- it is all over with priests and gods when man becomes scientific. Moral: science is t..."Faith: not *wanting* to know what is true."-- Friedrich Nietzsche>One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative.Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I d..."Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and ...Backed up the system lately?"It doesn't much signify whom one marries for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else."-- Rogers"If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry."-- Chekhov"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished."-- Goethe"In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved."-- Butler"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, `What does woman want?'"-- Sigmund Freud"I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the world, and do not find in our particular super...Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.-- Dave Butler"The preeminence of a learned man over a worshiper is equal to the preeminenceof the moon, at the night of the fu..."The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;the active virtues of society were ..."The question is rather: if we ever succeed in making a mind 'of nuts andbolts', how will we know we have succeed..."Inquiry is fatal to certainty."-- Will Durant"The Mets were great in 'sixty eight, The Cards were fine in 'sixty nine, But the Cubs will be heavenly in nineteen and seventy."-- Ernie Banks"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine ..."I call Christianity the *one* great curse, the *one* great intrinsic depravity, the *one* great instinct for rev..."The fundamental purpose animating the Faith of God and His Religion is tosafeguard the interests and promote the..."Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."-- Blair Houghton"...one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,lacking zero, they had no way to indicate suc...Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. Whatshould I do?A: Post the correct answer at on...Q: How can I choose what groups to post in? ...Q: How about an example?A: Ok. Let's say you want to report that...Q: I cant spell worth a dam. I hope your going too tell me what to do?A: Don't worry about how your articles loo...Q: They just announced on the radio that Dan Quayle was picked as theRepublican V.P. candidate. Should I post?A:...What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?A Dan Quayle watch.-- heard from a Mike Dukakis field workerQ: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?A: The car salesman can probably drive!-- Joan McGalliard (jem@latcs1.oz.au)"Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."-- Dave Mack (mack@inco.UUCP)"Yours is."-- Allen Gwinn (allen@sulaco.sigma.com), in alt.flameA selection from the Taoist Writings:"Lao-Tan asked Confucius: `What do you mean by benevolence and righteousness..."Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!"-- Daniel Hinojosa (hinojosa@hp-sdd)"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator."-- Claude Shouse (shouse@macomw.ARP..."Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it willfade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines."-- Bertrand Russell"Lying lips are abomination to the Lord; but they that deal truly are his delight. A soft answer turneth away wr..."As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, andI thirsted for a meaningful vision of...Heisenberg might have been here."Any excuse will serve a tyrant."-- Aesop"Experience has proved that some people indeed know everything."-- Russell BakerHow many Zen Buddhist does it take to change a light bulb?Two. One to change it and one not to change it."I prefer the blunted cudgels of the followers of the Serpent God."-- Sean Doran the Younger"If I do not want others to quote me, I do not speak." -- Phil Wayne"my terminal is a lethal teaspoon."-- Patricia O Tuama"I am ... a woman ... and ... technically a parasitic uterine growth"-- Sean Doran the Younger [allegedly]"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every timesomeone writes `bible thumpers?'-- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu"Money is the root of all money."-- the moving finger"...Greg Nowak: `Another flame from greg' - need I say more?"-- Jonathan D. Trudel, trudel@caip.rutgers.edu"No. ..."And it's my opinion, and that's only my opinion, you are a lunatic. Justbecause there are a few hunderd other p..."Obedience. A religion of slaves. A religion of intellectual death. I likeit. Don't ask questions, don't thin..."Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is to a cockatoo."-- George Bernard Shaw"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out."-- Montaigne"For a male and female to live continuously together is... biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition."-- Robert Briffault"Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it."-- BaskinsA man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience."The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."-- G. Fitch"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."-- Mark Twain"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder have included encapsulated time released c..."If there isn't a population problem, why is the government putting cancer in the cigarettes?"-- the elder Steptoe, c. 1970"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet."-- Comedian Jay Leno"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery.'"-- Comedian Jay Leno"Well hello there Charlie Brown, you blockhead."-- Lucy Van Pelt"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so."-- Ford Prefect, _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_"Ignorance is the soil in which belief in miracles grows."-- Robert G. Ingersoll"Let every man teach his son, teach his daughter, that labor is honorable."-- Robert G. Ingersoll"I have not the slightest confidence in 'spiritual manifestations.'"-- Robert G. Ingersoll"It is hard to overstate the debt that we owe to men and women of genius."-- Robert G. Ingersoll"Joy is wealth and love is the legal tender of the soul."-- Robert G. Ingersoll"The hands that help are better far than the lips that pray."-- Robert G. Ingersoll"It is the creationists who blasphemously are claiming that God is cheating us in a stupid way."-- J. W. Nienhuys"No, no, I don't mind being called the smartest man in the world. I just wish it wasn't this one."-- Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias, WATCHMEN "Be *excellent* to each other."-- Bill, or Ted, in Bill and Ted's Excellent AdventureThe Seventh Edition licensing procedures are, I suppose, still in effect, though I doubt that tapes are available..."Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." -- Alex Schure"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."--Matt Groening"I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens."-- Woody Allen"The Street finds its own uses for technology."-- William Gibson"I see little divinity about them or you. You talk to me of Christianitywhen you are in the act of hanging your ..."You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, butonly for a limited period of time. Why sh..."He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental effort,he could probably turn the activity..."Conversion, fastidious Goddess, loves blood better than brick, and feastsmost subtly on the human will."-- Virginia Woolf, "Mrs. Dalloway"It's time to boot, do your boot ROMs know where your disk controllers are?"What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying."-- Nikita Khrushchev"...a most excellent barbarian ... Genghis Kahn!"-- _Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure_"Pull the trigger and you're garbage."-- Lady Blue"Oh what wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face..."-- a prisoner in "Life of Brian""Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominyof him that brought her birth."-- Milton"If you can't debate me, then there is no way in hell you'll out-insult me."-- Scott Legrand (Scott.Legrand@hogbb... "Yes, I am a real piece of work. One thing we learn at Ulowell is how to flame useless hacking non-EE's like yo..."BYTE editors are men who seperate the wheat from the chaff, and then print the chaff."-- Lionel Hummel (uiucdcs!... THE "FUN WITH USENET" MANIFESTOVery little happens on Usenet without some sort of response from some other..."They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporarysafety deserve neither liberty nor safety."-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759"I am, therefore I am."-- Akira"Stan and I thought that this experiment was so stupid, we decided to finance it ourselves."-- Martin Fleischmann, co-discoverer of room-temperature fusion (?)"I have more information in one place than anybody in the world." -- Jerry Pournelle, an absurd notion, apparently about the BIX BBS"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts."-- John Wooden#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) ..."If you can write a nation's stories, you needn't worry about who makes its laws. Today, television tells most ..."The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to hi..."We want to create puppets that pull their own strings."-- Ann Marion"Would this make them Marionettes?"-- Jeff DaiellOn the subject of C program indentation:"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented s...There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, inone way or another, almost every member ..."By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves beganto suspect "Hungry."-- a Larson cartoon"But don't you see, the color of wine in a crystal glass can be spiritual. The look in a face, the music of a vio..."Love your country but never trust its government."-- from a hand-painted road sign in central Pennsylvania I bought the latest computer; it came fully loaded. It was guaranteed for 90 days, but in 30...To update Voltaire, "I may kill all msgs from you, but I'll fight for your right to post it, and I'll let it resi..."Though a program be but three lines long,someday it will have to be maintained."-- The Tao of Programming"Turn on, tune up, rock out."-- Billy Gibbons EARTH smog | bricks AIR -- mud -- FIREsoda water | tequila WATER "Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power tools aren'tsoluble in alcohol..."-- Crazy Nigel"Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all...."-- Thomas J. Kopp n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xccccc..."All over the place, from the popular culture to the propaganda system, there isconstant pressure to make people ..."A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simplesystem that worked."-- John Gall, _Systemantics_"In my opinion, Richard Stallman wouldn't recognise terrorism if itcame up and bit him on his Internet."-- Ross M. GreenbergI made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments of others, and all positive assertion of ..."If I ever get around to writing that language depompisifier, it will changealmost all occurences of the word "pa..."Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."-- Marvin the paranoid androidContemptuous lights flashed across the computer's console.-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"There must be some mistake," he said, "are you not a greater computer thanthe Milliard Gargantubrain which can c..."But are you not," he said, "a more fiendish disputant than the Great HyperlobicOmni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler of ...If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, Jolt Colawould be a Fortune-500 company.If builde...To err is human, to moo bovine."America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort."-- President John F. Kennedy"The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must notbe just fine words for patriotic hol..."The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that>from time to time threaten freedoms e..."The strength of the Constitution lies entirely in the determination of eachcitizen to defend it. Only if every ..."Well I don't see why I have to make one man miserable when I can make so many men happy."-- Ellyn Mustard, about marriage"And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing what the dictionary says it means, you ..."Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser."-- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew""Let's not be too tough on our own ignorance. It's the thing that makes America great. If America weren't incom..."The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass throughthree distinct and recognizable phases, th..."Don't think; let the machine do it for you!"-- E. C. Berkeley"It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan which he considers defective is at fau..."(The Chief Programmer) personally defines the functional and performance specifications, designs the program, co..."It ain't over until it's over."-- Casey Stengel"If anything can go wrong, it will."-- Edsel Murphy"Yo baby yo baby yo."-- Eddie Murphy"You must learn to run your kayak by a sort of ju-jitsu. You must learn to tell what the river will do to you, a...Everyone who comes in here wants three things: 1. They want it quick. 2. They want it good. 3. They want it cheap..."More software projects have gone awry for lack of calendar time than for all other causes combined."-- Fred Brooks, Jr., _The Mythical Man Month_panic: kernel trap (ignored)"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."-- Karl Lehenbauer"Remember, extremism in the nondefense of moderation is not a virtue."-- Peter Neumann, about usenet"We dedicated ourselves to a powerful idea -- organic law rather than naked power. There seems to be universal a..."What man has done, man can aspire to do."-- Jerry Pournelle, about space flight"Well, it don't make the sun shine, but at least it don't deepen the shit."-- Straiter Empy, in _Riddley_Walker_ by Russell Hoban"If you can, help others. If you can't, at least don't hurt others."-- the Dalai LamaTo the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide atest load."Just think, with VLSI we can have 100 ENIACS on a chip!"-- Alan Perlis"...Local prohibitions cannot block advances in military and commercial technology... Democratic movements for lo..."The rotter who simpers that he sees no difference between a five-dollar bill and a whip deserves to learn the di..."If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is co..."Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother to say it, oh God, I'm so depresse...One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship withZaphod was learning to distinguish bet...Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of theformer Galactic Empire, life was wild..."Gort, klaatu nikto barada."-- The Day the Earth Stood Still> From MAILER-DAEMON@Think.COM Thu Mar 2 13:59:11 1989> Subject: Returned mail: unknown mailer error 255"Dale, y..."Don't drop acid, take it pass-fail!"-- Bryan Michael Wendt"I got a question for ya. Ya got a minute?"-- two programmers passing in the hallI took a fish head to the movies and I didn't have to pay.-- Fish Heads, Saturday Night Live, 1977.What hath Bob wrought?"I don't know where we come from, Don't know where we're going to, And if all this should have a reason, We would..."Help Mr. Wizard!"-- Tennessee Tuxedo"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compell..."Unlike most net.puritans, however, I feel that what OTHER consenting computers do in the privacy of their own ph..."Don't talk to me about disclaimers! I invented disclaimers!"-- The Censored Hacker'On this point we want to be perfectly clear: socialism has nothing to dowith equalizing. Socialism cannot ensur..."Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."-- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989[apparently..."All the system's paths must be topologically and circularly interrelated for conceptually definitive, locally t..."One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that sometimes you must work under adverse con..."It's when they say 2 + 2 = 5 that I begin to argue."-- Eric PepkeComparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of apig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."-- David Guaspari"None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary to get rid of a man as soon as he ..."The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Postis read by the people who think they... "...'fire' does not matter, 'earth' and 'air' and 'water' do notmatter. 'I' do not matter. No word matt..."Irrigation of the land with sewater desalinated by fusion power is ancient.It's called 'rain'."-- Michael McClary, in alt.fusion"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by people who don't understand, who have not g..."We scientists, whose tragic destiny it has been to make the methods ofannihilation ever more gruesome and more e..."You can have my Unix system when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers."-- Cal KeeganWe'll be more than happy to do so once Jim shows the slightest signof interest in fixing his proposal to deal wit...I think it's a little fantastic to try to form a picture in people's minds of the Debian archive administration t...If you are going to run a rinky-dink distro made by a couple ofvolunteers, why not run a rinky-dink distro made b...Packages should build-depend on what they should build-depend. -- Santiago Vila on debian-develThere are 3 types of guys -- the ones who hate nerds (all nerds, thatis; girls aren't let off the hook); the ones...Debian is the Jedi operating system: "Always two there are, a master andan apprentice". -- Simon Richter on debian-develThis is Unix we're talking about, remember. It's not supposed to benice for the applications programmer. -- Matthew Danish on debian-devel... but hey, this is Linux, isn't it meant to do infinite loops in 5seconds? -- Jonathan Oxer in the apt-cacher ChangeLogI'm personally quite happy with one stable release every two years, andam of the opinion that trying to release m...< Keybuk> Perl 6 scares me< doogie> you can name your operators anything. the name here is the string '...< sam> /.ing an issue is like asking an infinite number of monkeys for advice -- in #debian-devel< DanielS> still, throne of blood sounds like a movie about overfiend and virgins or some crap -- in #debian-devel< jaybonci> actually d-i stands for "divine intervention" ;) -- in #debian-devel< doogie> asuffield: how do you think dpkg was originally written? :|< asuffield> by letting iwj get dangerously near a computer -- in #debian-devel< asuffield> a workstation is anything you can stick on somebodies desk and con them into using -- in #debian-devel<joshk> joshk@influx:/etc/logrotate.d> sh -n *<joshk> apache: line 14: syntax error near unexpected token `}'<jos...17th Rule of Friendship: A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount of life insurance co...186,282 miles per second: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!18th Rule of Friendship: A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof to inst...2180, U.S. History question: What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what office did he later hold?3rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wrfortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped667: The neighbor of the beast.A hypothetical paradox: What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed ...A Law of Computer Programming: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.A musician, an artist, an architect: the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian. -- William BlakeA new koan: If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.It is an ice cream koan.Abbott's Admonitions: (1) If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. (2) If you don't like the answer, you ...Absent, adj.: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.Absentee, n.: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Abstainer, n.: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Academy: A modern school where football is taught.Institute: An archaic school where football is not taught.Acceptance testing: An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. -- Foolish DictionaryAccordion, n.: A bagpipe with pleats.Accuracy, n.: The vice of being rightAcquaintance, n: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to. A degree of fr...ADA: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had be...Adler's Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats.Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Adore, v.: To venerate expectantly. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Adult, n.: One old enough to know better.Advertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the reader that he has the disease h...Afternoon, n.: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.Age, n.: That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we n...Agnes' Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.air, n.: A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Alaska: A prelude to "No."Albrecht's Law: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.Alden's Laws: (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy. (2) Always be backlit. (3) Sit down whenever possible.algorithm, n.: Trendy dance for hip programmers.alimony, n: Having an ex you can bank on.All new: Parts not interchangeable with previous model.Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each...Alone, adj.: In bad company. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Ambiguity: Telling the truth when you don't mean to.Ambition, n: An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. -- Ambrose BierceAmoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.Andrea's Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can.Androphobia: Fear of men.Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it; get a larger hammer.Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop....Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.Aphasia: Loss of speech in social scientists when asked at parties, "But of what use is your research?"aphorism, n.: A concise, clever statement.afterism, n.: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. -- James Alexander ThomAppendix: A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.Applause, n: The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. -- Ambrose Bierceaquadextrous, adj.: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing general can be said."Arithmetic: An obscure art no longer practiced in the world's developed countries.Armadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.Armor's Axiom: Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.Armstrong's Collection Law: If the check is truly in the mail, it is surely made out to someone else.Arnold's Addendum: Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) O...Arthur's Laws of Love: (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else....ASCII: The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would become computer literate. Etymological...Atlanta: An entire city surrounded by an airport.Auction: A gyp off the old block.audophile, n: Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.Authentic: Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.Bachelor: A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.Backward conditioning: Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.Bagbiter: 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually intermittently. 2.adj.: Failing hardware or software. ...Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.Ballistophobia: Fear of bullets;Otophobia: Fear of opening one's eyes.Peccatophobia: Fear of sinning.Taphephobia:...Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee.Banectomy, n.: The removal of bruises on a banana. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"Barach's Rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience: (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes and a shelf for his toiletr...Barker's Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication.Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.Baruch's Observation: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.BASIC, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.Bathquake, n.: The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water faucet is turned on to a certain point. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"Battle, n.: A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that will not yield to the tongue. -- Ambrose BierceBeauty, n.: The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. -- Ambrose BierceBeauty: What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.Begathon, n.: A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials.Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by p...belief, n: Something you do not believe.Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.Benson's Dogma: ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.Bershere's Formula for Failure: There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.beta test, v: To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's sanity to hardware or software intend...Bierman's Laws of Contracts: (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". (2) Lawyers stay in ...Bilbo's First Law: You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.Bing's Rule: Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.Bipolar, adj.: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York.birth, n: The first and direst of all disasters. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"bit, n: A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the...Bizoos, n.: The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"blithwapping: Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & FriendsBloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: The judge's jokes are always funny.Blore's Razor: Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.Blutarsky's Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.Booker's Law: An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.Bore, n.: A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. -- Walter WinchellBore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Boren's Laws: (1) When in charge, ponder. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in doubt, mumble.boss, n: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words "boss" and "botch" were largely...Boucher's Observation: He who blows his own horn always plays the music several octaves higher than originally written.Bower's Law: Talent goes where the action is.Bowie's Theorem: If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.boy, n: A noise with dirt on it.Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by red...brain, n: The apparatus with which we think that we think. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"brain, v: [as in "to brain"] To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), atheoretical disease invented to explain certain...Bride, n.: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"briefcase, n: A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.broad-mindedness, n: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.Brogan's Constant: People tend to congregate in the back of the church and the front of the bus.brokee, n: Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.Brontosaurus Principle: Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them in relation to their envi...Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either aboli...Bubble Memory, n.: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.Bug, n.: An aspect of a computer program which exists because the programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or st...bug, n: A son of a glitch.bug, n: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging", or removing...Bugs, pl. n.: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.Bumper sticker: All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture.Bunker's Admonition: You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.Burbulation: The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the au...Bureau Termination, Law of: When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the number of employees in th...bureaucracy, n: A method for transforming energy into solid waste.Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways. -- J. McCabebureaucrat, n: A politician who has tenure.Burke's Postulates: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.Burn's Hog Weighing Method: (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse. (2) Put the h...buzzword, n: The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.byob, v: Believing Your Own BullC, n: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much...Cabbage, n.: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Cache: A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there.Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.Campbell's Law: Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.Canonical, adj.: The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story:One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MI...Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen t...Carson's Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure. It can always be used as a bad example.Carson's Observation on Footwear: If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.Carswell's Corollary: Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.Cat, n.: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.cerebral atrophy, n: The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, andimpair the brain's perfor...Chamberlain's Laws: (1) The big guys always win. (2) Everything tastes more or less like chicken.character density, n.: The number of very weird people in the office.Charity, n.: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.checkuary, n: The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.Chef, n.: Any cook who swears in French.Cheit's Lament: If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- the next time he's in need.Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.Cheops' Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn headgear w...Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request for over...Chicken Soup: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The on...Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.Christmas: A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry salads, family get-togethers; for o...Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.Cinemuck, n.: The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron --...Clarke's Conclusion: Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.Clay's Conclusion: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.clone, n: 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product is a clone of our product."Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by ...COBOL: An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.COBOL: Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.Cohen's Law: There is no bottom to worse.Cohn's Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. S...Cold, adj.: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets.Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell.College: The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.Colvard's Unconscio...Command, n.: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.comment: A superfluous element of a source program included so the programmer can remember what the hell it was h...Commitment, n.: [The difference between involvement and] Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and ...Committee Rules: (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. (2) Don't say anything until the me...Committee, n.: A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. -- Fred AllenCommoner's three laws of ecology: (1) No action is without side-effects. (2) Nothing ever goes away. (3) There is no free lunch.Complex system: One with real problems and imaginary profits.Compliment, n.: When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.compuberty, n: The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a computer experiences when the operati...Computer science: (1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the precision of the former and th...Computer, n.: An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a totally understandable, rigorous...Concept, n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000.Conference, n.: A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear what they have to say, so long a...Confidant, confidante, n: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Confirmed bachelor: A man who goes through life without a hitch.Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime. Mathematician's Proof: 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By inductio...Connector Conspiracy, n: [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the KL-10, none of whose connector...Consent decree: A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit in the future whatever heinous vio...Consultant, n.: (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell you what time it is. (2) (For resum...Consultant, n.: [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con (vulgar) "a person of little meri...Consultant, n.: An ordinary man a long way from home.consultant, n.: Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.Consultant, n.: Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.Consultation, n.: Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.Copying machine, n.: A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, and makes duplicates for ev...Coronation, n.: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to b...Correspondence Corollary: An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.Corry's Law: Paper is always strongest at the perforations.court, n.: A place where they dispense with justice. -- Arthur TrainCoward, n.: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Creditor, n.: A man who has a better memory than a debtor.Crenna's Law of Political Accountability: If you are the first to know about something bad, you are going to be h...critic, n.: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Croll's Query: If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?Cropp's Law: The amount of work done varies inversly with the time spent in the office.Cruickshank's Law of Committees: If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it will inevitably ...cursor address, n: "Hello, cursor!" -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"Cursor, n.: One whose program will not run. -- Robb Russoncurtation, n.: The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length fieldenvironment. The problem of fitting ...Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one.Cynic, n.: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom a...Cynic, n.: Experienced.Cynic, n.: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.Data, n.: An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.Data, n.: Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.Davis' Law of Traffic Density: The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.Davis's Dictum: Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.Dawn, n.: The time when men of reason go to bed. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Deadwood, n.: Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.Death wish, n.: The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.Decision maker, n.: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped.default, n.: [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, mon."] The vain attempt to avoid error...Default, n.: The hardware's, of course.Deja vu: French., already seen; unoriginal; trite. Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced someth...Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Denver, n.: A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.design, v.: What you regret not doing later on.DeVries' Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.Dibble's First Law of Sociology: Some do, some don't.Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly. -- Elbert HubbardDinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite): 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast 1 carton milkdiplomacy, n: Lying in state.Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics: (1) Get elected. (2) Get re-elected. (3) Don't get mad, get even. -- Sen. Everett Dirksendisbar, n: As distinguished from some other bar.Distinctive, adj.: A different color or shape than our competitors.Distress, n.: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"divorce, n: A change of wife.Documentation: Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons.double-blind experiment, n: An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject a...Dow's Law: In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.Drakenberg's Discovery: If you can't seem to find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on.Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.drug, n: A substance that, injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your pr...Duty, n: What one expects from others. -- Oscar WildeEagleson's Law: Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months, might as well have been w...economics, n.: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"Economies of scale: The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want a certain amount of comput...economist, n: Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough personality to become an accountant.Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.Egotist, n: A person of low taste, more interest...Ehrman's Commentary: (1) Things will get worse before they get better. (2) Who said things would get better?Elbonics, n.: The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theatre. -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & FriendsElectrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.Elephant, n.: A mouse built to government specifications.Eleventh Law of Acoustics: In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between frequency response, ph...Emacs, n.: A slow-moving parody of a text editor.Emerson's Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.Encyclopedia Salesmen: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is ...Endless Loop, n.: see Loop, Endless.Loop, Endless, n.: see Endless Loop. -- Random Shack Data Processing DictionaryEngram, n.: 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."2. A particular memory in physical form...enhance, v.: To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.Entreprenuer, n.: A high-rolling risk taker who would rather be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.Envy, n.: Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, instead of having to try and acquire one.Epperson's law: When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.Etymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe...Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):Horses have an even number of legs. Behind th...Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.Expense Accounts, n.: Corporate food stamps.Experience, n.: Something you don't get until just after you need it. -- OlivierExpert, n.: Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZETo claim your prize without pur...Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.Fakir, n: A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even th...falsie salesman, n: Fuller bust man.Famous last words:Famous last words: (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." (2) "You and what army?" (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop."Famous last words: (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't ...Famous quotations: " " -- Charlie Chaplin " " -- Harpo Marx " " -- Marcel MarceauFamous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"feature, n: A surprising property of a program. Occasionaly documented. To call a property a feature sometimes ...fenderberg, n.: The large glacial deposits that form on the insides of car fenders during snowstorms. -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & FriendsFerguson's Precept: A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."Fidelity, n.: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.Corollary: If you are ...Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.File cabinet: A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.filibuster, n.: Throwing your wait around.Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.Finagle's Eighth Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.Finagle's Ninth Law: No matter what result...Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.Finagle's First Law: To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.Finagle's Second Law: Alw...Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpr...Finagle's Seventh Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, i...Fine's Corollary: Functionality breeds Contempt.Finster's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.First law of debate: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination ...First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.Fishbowl, n.: A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly promoted managers are kept for observation.Five rules for eternal misery: (1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably. (2) Make lots of assum...flannister, n.: The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & FriendsFlon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.flowchart, n. & v.: [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart"a cryptic hidden-treasure map ...Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.Fog Lamps, n.: Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts of automobiles; used on dry, cl...Foolproof Operation: No provision for adjustment.Forecast, n.: A prediction of the future, based on the past, for which the forecaster demands payment in the present.Forgetfulness, n.: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1skilled oral communicator: Mumbles inaudibly when attempti...FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4consistent: Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and...FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9has management potential: Because of his intimate relation...Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology overthe las...Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign ...Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero. -- David EllisFresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.Fried's 1st Rule: Increased automation of clerical function invariably results in increased operational costs.Friends, n.: People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. People who know you well, but like you anyway.Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. Usuallyabbreviated to FROB. Thus one ...Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to electronicbla...Fuch's Warning: If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough to travel.Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.Fun experiments: Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. Then take it out, peel the m...Fun Facts, #14: In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.Fun Facts, #63: The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores. It was the name of an imagi...furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no n...Genderplex, n.: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated rest...genealogy, n.: An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own. -- Ambrose BierceGenius, n.: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright."genius, n.: Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right time of the right sex and to follow u...genlock, n.: Why he stays in the bottle.Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. (2) An...Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.Corollary: Following the rules will not get the job done.Gilbert's Discovery: Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.Ginsberg's Theorem: (1) You can't win. (2) You can't break even. (3) You can't even quit the game.Freeman's Comme...Ginsburg's Law: At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.gleemites, n.: Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & FriendsGlib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of...Gnagloot, n.: A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to impress people. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"Goda's Truism: By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.Godwin's Law (prov. [Usenet]): As a Usenet discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Na...Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men wh...Goldenstern's Rules: (1) Always hire a rich attorney (2) Never buy from a rich salesman.Gomme's Laws: (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches. (2) Time accelerates. (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.Gordon's first law: If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.Gordon's Law: If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.gossip, n.: Hearing something you like about someone you don't. -- Earl WilsonGoto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers. -- Ray SimardGovernment's Law: There is an exception to all laws.Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]grasshopotomaus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.Gravity: What you get when you eat too much and too fast.Gray's Law of Programming: `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as `_n' tasks....Great American Axiom: Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.Green's Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.Griffin's Thought: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity: At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.Guillotine, n.: A French chopping center.Gumperson's Law: The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.Gunter's Airborne Discoveries: (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, the aircraft will encount...gurmlish, n.: The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents the person from biting into it an...guru, n.: A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with a senior vice-president and is ultimatel...guru, n: A computer owner who can read the manual.gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of...H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach.Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate.Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.Hacker's Quicky #313: Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips Microwave Egg Roll Chocolate Milkhacker, n.: A master byter.hacker, n.: Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate things; hence, a person with a ha...Hale Mail Rule, The: When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least one of the following: (a) A...half-done, n.: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, light green, yet full of gar...Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"handshaking protocol, n: A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a terse but civil dialogue, wh...Hangover, n.: The burden of proof.hangover, n.: The wrath of grapes.Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.Happiness, n.: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"hard, adj.: The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those of other people.Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.Harriet's Dining Observation: In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken.Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.Hatred, n.: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Hawkeye's Conclusion: It's not easy to play the clown when you've got to run the whole circus.Heaven, n.: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good l...heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization.Hempstone's Question: If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?Herth's Law: He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.Hewett's Observation: The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or her position in the govern...Hildebrant's Principle: If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.Hippogriff, n.: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound ...History, n.: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. I know peop...Hitchcock's Staple Principle: The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to staple something.Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.Hoffer's Discovery: The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.Hollerith, v.: What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.honeymoon, n.: A short period of doting between dating and debting. -- Ray C. BandyHonorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention ...Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.Household hint: If you are out of cream for your coffee, mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you.Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.Hubbard's Law: Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to... to... uh.....IBM Pollyanna Principle: Machines should work. People should think.IBM's original motto: Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.IBM: [International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The domi...IBM: I've Been Moved Idiots Become Managers Idiots Buy More Impossible to Buy Machine Incredibly Big Machine Indu...IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.idiot box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure...Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and c...idleness, n.: Leisure gone to seed.ignisecond, n: The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car door even as the brain is saying, ...ignorance, n.: When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.Iles's Law: There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. Neither will Iles.Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension: In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty; ...Immutability, Three Rules of: (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will. (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will. (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.Impartial, adj.: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy...inbox, n.: A catch basin for everything you don't want to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.incentive program, n.: The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses to motivate its people. ...Incumbent, n.: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"index, n.: Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.Infancy, n.: The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us." The world begins lyi...Information Center, n.: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.Information Processing: What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.Ingrate, n.: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.ink, n.: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the inf...innovate, v.: To annoy people.insecurity, n.: Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your favorite words. Realizing halfway thr...interest, n.: What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and burned out employees must feign.Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each...intoxicated, adj.: When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.ISO applications: A solution in search of a problem!Issawi's Laws of Progress: The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.It is fruitless: to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid. to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers."It's in process": So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.italic, adj: Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases are often slanted to the left.Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.Jim Nasium's Law: In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people using the facility at any one t...job interview, n.: The excruciating process during which personnel officers separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.job Placement, n.: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.jogger, n.: An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.Johnny Carson's Definition: The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between ...Johnson's First Law: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time.Johnson's law: Systems resemble the organizations that create them.Jones' First Law: Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of endeavor, and stays in that field l...Jones' Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.Jones' Second Law: The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.Juall's Law on Nice Guys: Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish. Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!Justice, n.: A decision in your favor.Kafka's Law: In the fight between you and the world, back the world. -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages: For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING pa...Katz' Law: Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.History teaches u...Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics: Population density is inversely proportional to the square of the distance from the keg.Kaufman's Law: A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc...Kennedy's Market Theorem: Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, you've got to go broke.Kent's Heuristic: Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.kern, v.: 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Quee...kernel, n.: A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval traditions of sorcery and black art.Kettering's Observation: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness: Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.Kin, n.: An affliction of the blood.Kington's Law of Perforation: If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such as a sheet of stamps ...Kinkler's First Law: Responsibility always exceeds authority.Kinkler's Second Law: All the easy problems have been solved.Kliban's First Law of Dining: Never eat anything bigger than your head.Kludge, n.: An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a distressing whole. -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"Knebel's Law: It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.knowledge, n.: Things you believe.Kramer's Law: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"Labor, n.: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Lackland's Laws: (1) Never be first. (2) Never be last. (3) Never volunteer for anythingLactomangulation, n.: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"Langsam's Laws: (1) Everything depends. (2) Nothing is always. (3) Everything is sometimes.Larkinson's Law: All laws are basically false.laser, n.: Failed death ray.Laura's Law: No child throws up in the bathroom.Law of Communications: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in ...Law of Continuity: Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail the same way.Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the ...Law of the Jungle: He who hesitates is lunch.Laws of Computer Programming: (1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete. (2) Any given program costs more ...Laws of Serendipity: (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something. (2) If you wish to mak...lawsuit, n.: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. -- Ambrose BierceLawyer's Rule: When the law is against you, argue the facts. When the facts are against you, argue the law. When ...Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.learning curve, n.: An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants in the 1970's, asserting that...Lee's Law: Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that there'd be so many!Leibowitz's Rule: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.Lemma: All horses are the same color.Proof (by induction): Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvio...leverage, n.: Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.Lewis's Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.Liar, n.: A lawyer with a roving commission. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth. -- Oliver HerfordLie, n.: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.life, n.: Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.life, n.: That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.lighthouse, n.: A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.like: When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.Linus' Law: There is no heavier burden than a great potential.lisp, v.: To call a spade a thpade.Lockwood's Long Shot: The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.love, n.: Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.love, n.: When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.love, n.: When you don't want someone too close--because you're very sensitive to pleasure.love, n.: When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.love, n.: When, if asked to choose between your lover and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.love, v.: I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.Lowery's Law: If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.Lunatic Asylum, n.: The place where optimism most flourishes.Machine-Independent, adj.: Does not run on any existing machine.Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Madison's Inquiry: If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?MAFIA, n: [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced InsuranceAccounting.] An extensive network with many on-...Magary's Principle: When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any government bureaucracy, it is ...Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism.Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.The two definition im...Magnocartic, adj.: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. -- N.R. Maier, "American Psych...Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.Major premise: Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.Minor premise: A man can dig a posthole in si...Majority, n.: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.Male, n.: A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly known to the f...Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.malpractice, n.: The reason surgeons wear masks.management, n.: The art of getting other people to do all the work.manic-depressive, adj.: Easy glum, easy glow.Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.manual, n.: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someo...Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.marriage, n.: An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply in love and desiring to make a c...marriage, n.: Convertible bonds.Marriage, n.: The evil aye.Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth: Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.Maryann's Law: You can always find what you're not looking for.Maslow's Maxim: If the only tool you have is a hammer, you treat everything like a nail.Mason's First Law of Synergism: The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.mathematician, n.: Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your _i's.Matz's Law: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.May's Law: The quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance: When traveling with a herd of elephants, don't be the first to lie down and rest.McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.Meade's Maxim: Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so.meeting, n.: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem.meetings, n.: A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.memo, n.: An interoffice communication too often written more for the benefit of the person who sends it than the person who receives it.Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special tal...Menu, n.: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.Meskimen's Law: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.meterologist, n.: One who doubts the established fact that it is bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylg...Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.micro: Thinker toys.Miksch's Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end.Miller's Slogan: Lose a few, lose a few.millihelen, n.: The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.Minicomputer: A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level manager.MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor SpeedMisfortune, n.: The kind of fortune that never misses. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"MIT: The Georgia Tech of the NorthMitchell's Law of Committees: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.mittsquinter, adj.: A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as if, somehow, the cause of th...Mix's Law: There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.mixed emotions: Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff. With five empty seats.mixed emotions: Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff... in your brand new Mercedes.modem, adj.: Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An unfortunate byproduct of kerning. [That's sic!]modesty, n.: Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.Modesty: The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it. -- Oliver HerfordMolecule, n.: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimat...Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.momentum, n.: What you give a person when they are going away.Moon, n.: 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).Moore's Constant: Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.mophobia, n.: Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.Morton's Law: If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.mummy, n.: An Egyptian who was pressed for time.Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.Murphy's Laws: (1) If anything can go wrong, it will. (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks. (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.Murray's Rule: Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.Mustgo, n.: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"My father taught me three things: (1) Never mix whiskey with anything but water. (2) Never try to draw to an insi...Nachman's Rule: When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better. -- Gerald Nachmannarcolepulacyi, n.: The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight to also yawn. -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friendsnerd pack, n.: Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling clothes. Nerd's position in enginee...neutron bomb, n.: An explosive device of limited military value because, as it only destroys people without destr...new, adj.: Different color from previous model.Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.Newman's Discovery: Your best dreams may not come true; fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.Newton's Law of Gravitation: What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down where you can find it. Murphy's Law applies to Newton's.Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.Nick the Greek's Law of Life: All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, a...no brainer: A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.no maintenance: Impossible to fix.nolo contendere: A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do it again."nominal egg: New Yorkerese for expensive.Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.Nouvelle cuisine, n.: French for "not enough food".Continental breakfast, n.: English for "not enough food".Tapas...November, n.: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: When comes the revolution, things will be different -- not better, just different.Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.Nusbaum's Rule: The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, the Murphy...O'Brian's Law: Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossibleO'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.Occam's eraser: The philosophical principle that even the simplest solution is bound to have something wrong with it.Office Automation: The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.Official Project Stages: (1) Uncritical Acceptance (2) Wild Enthusiasm (3) Dejected Disillusionment (4) Total Con...Ogden's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.Old Japanese proverb: There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji, and those who climb it twice.Old timer, n.: One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.Olmstead's Law: After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.omnibiblious, adj.: Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. I'm omnibiblious."On ability: A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands...On the subject of C program indentation: "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented ...On-line, adj.: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.Once, adv.: Enough. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"One Page Principle: A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood. -- Mark Ardis"One size fits all": Doesn't fit anyone.One-Shot Case Study, n.: The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.Optimism, n.: The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad, and everything right th...optimist, n.: A proponent of the belief that black is white. A pessimist asked God for relief. "Ah, you wish me t...optimist, n: A bagpiper with a beeper.Oregano, n.: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.Osborn's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.Ozman's Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. (2) The more people talk on th...pain, n.: One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic. -- Ambrose BiercePandora's Rule: Never open a box you didn't close.Paprika Measure: 2 dashes == 1smidgen 2 smidgens == 1 pinch 3 pinches == 1 soupcon 2 soupcons == 2 much paprikaparanoia, n.: A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.Pardo's First Postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.Arnold's Addendum: Everything else causes cancer in rats.Parkinson's Fifth Law: If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.Parkinson's Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.party, n.: A gathering where you meet people who drink so much you can't even remember their names.Pascal Users: The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. Please modify your programs accordingly.Pascal Users: To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.Pascal: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it. -- Datamation, January 15, 1984Password:Patageometry, n.: The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant under brain transplants.patent: A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.Paul's Law: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.paycheck: The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal withholding, state withholding, city withhol...Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Pecor's Health-Food Principle: Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it.Pedaeration, n.: The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"pediddel: A car with only one working headlight. -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & FriendsPeers's Law: The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.Penguin Trivia #46: Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82pension: A federally insured chain letter.People's Action Rules: (1) Some people who can, shouldn't. (2) Some people who should, won't. (3) Some people who...perfect guest: One who makes his host feel at home.Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circ...pessimist: A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the wolf from the door.optimist: A man wh...Peter's Law of Substitution: Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves.Peter's Princ...Peterson's Admonition: When you think you're going down for the third time -- just remember that you may have counted wrong.Peterson's Rules: (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways are filled with something sticky. (2) No cute baby in a ca...petribar: Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in the window of a vending machine too long. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" Phases of a Project:(1) Exultation.(2) Disenchantment.(3) Confusion.(4) Search for the Guilty.(5) Punishment for...philosophy: The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.philosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.phosflink: To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that will bring it back to life). -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & FriendsPickle's Law: If Congress must do a painful thing, the thing must be done in an odd-number year.pixel, n.: A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. The computer industry has frequently bo...Please take note:Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.poisoned coffee, n.: Grounds for divorce.politics, n.: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. -- Ambrose BiercePollyanna's Educational Constant: The hyperactive child is never absent.polygon: Dead parrot.Poorman's Rule: When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to pull it open.Portable, adj.: Survives system reboot.Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"poverty, n.: An unfortunate state that persists as long as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.Power, n.: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.prairies, n.: Vast plains covered by treeless forests.Prejudice: A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. -- Ambrose BiercePreudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.Price's Advice: It's all a game -- play it to have fun.Priority: A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often expressed as a relative priority, indicati...problem drinker, n.: A man who never buys.program, n.: A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. tr.v. To en...program, n.: Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one day. Once a task is defined as a prog...Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.progress, n.: Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons invading the body and taking possession...Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.(1) Horses hav...prototype, n.: First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release v...Pryor's Observation: How long you live has nothing to do with how long you are going to be dead.Pudder's Law: Anything that begins well will end badly. (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)purpitation, n.: To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you don't want it, and then put it in another section. -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & FriendsPutt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand.QOTD: "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."QOTD: "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."QOTD: "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."QOTD: "Do you smell something burning or is it me?" -- Joan of ArcQOTD: "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."QOTD: "East is east... and let's keep it that way."QOTD: "Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits."QOTD: "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, I go to work."QOTD: "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now to late to punish."QOTD: "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."QOTD: "He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different ticket."QOTD: "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."QOTD: "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."QOTD: "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."QOTD: "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."QOTD: "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."QOTD: "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."QOTD: "I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome."QOTD: "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"QOTD: "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it didn't work."QOTD: "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a horse with one of the horns broken off."QOTD: "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."QOTD: "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."QOTD: "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with the lost."QOTD: "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."QOTD: "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."QOTD: "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."QOTD: "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the dog for dinner."QOTD: "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!"QOTD: "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."QOTD: "I'm just a boy named 'su'..."QOTD: "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."QOTD: "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."QOTD: "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on strike. To make less money."QOTD: "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back all of my stuff."QOTD: "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."QOTD: "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."QOTD: "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the cologne, now would I?"QOTD: "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."QOTD: "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."QOTD: "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."QOTD: "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many stations anymore."QOTD: "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets."QOTD: "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."QOTD: "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."QOTD: "It's been Monday all week today."QOTD: "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."QOTD: "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether."QOTD: "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."QOTD: "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"QOTD: "Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency on my part."QOTD: "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."QOTD: "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"QOTD: "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."QOTD: "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?"QOTD: "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."QOTD: "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."QOTD: "Our parents were never our age."QOTD: "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."QOTD: "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis shoes on you and run you into the wall?"QOTD: "She's about as smart as bait."QOTD: "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."QOTD: "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its neck to get the dog to play with it."QOTD: "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."QOTD: "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."QOTD: "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the left."QOTD: "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."QOTD: "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you think he was broken!"QOTD: "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding when I mess things up."QOTD: "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call "baring your neck."QOTD: "When she hauled ass, it took three trips."QOTD: "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."QOTD: "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"QOTD: "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them? How... tribal."QOTD: "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."QOTD: All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.QOTD: All I want is more than my fair share.QOTD: Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to save the earth!QOTD: How can I miss you if you won't go away?QOTD: I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'. -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crashQOTD: I love your outfit, does it come in your size?QOTD: I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the ball in their court. -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)QOTD: I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".QOTD: I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged". [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]QOTD: I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.QOTD: If it's too loud, you're too old.QOTD: If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.QOTD: Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. ...QOTD: Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.QOTD: My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.QOTD: On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.QOTD: Sacred cows make great hamburgers.QOTD: Silence is the only virtue he has left.QOTD: Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives.QOTD: Talent does what it can, genius what it must. I do what I get paid to do.QOTD: Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work and the others are more than willing to watch them.QOTD: The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean the snakes have gone away.QOTD: The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the gerbil has more dark meat.QOTD: Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE? Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great...Quality control, n.: Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.Quality Control, n.: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.quark: The sound made by a well bred duck.Quigley's Law: Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will atttempt to use it.QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth] 1. a unit of weightequal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.6...Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you are in a hurry.Random, n.: As in number, predictable. As in memory access, unpredictable.Ray's Rule of Precision: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.Re: Graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with pictures.Real Time, adj.: Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.Real World, The, n.: 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming maybe used in the same sentence a...Reappraisal, n.: An abrupt change of mind after being found out.Reception area, n.: The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend innumerable hours reading dog-eare...Recursion n.: See Recursion. -- Random Shack Data Processing DictionaryReformed, n.: A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.Regression analysis: Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are getting worse.Reichel's Law: A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by an outside force.Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.Reliable source, n.: The guy you just met.Renning's Maxim: Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.Reporter, n.: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Reputation, adj.: What others are not thinking about you.Research, n.: Consider Columbus: He didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was...Responsibility: Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This isa lot of bunk. Responsibility...Revolution, n.: A form of government abroad.Revolution, n.: In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. -- Ambrose Biercerevolutionary, adj.: Repackaged.Rhode's Law: When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, or result can in no way be dir...Ritchie's Rule: (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency. (2) Paint splashes last longer th...Robot, n.: University administrator.Robustness, adj.: Never having to say you're sorry.Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention: Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal.Rudd's Discovery: You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make $300,000 to $400,000, but they ...Rudin's Law: If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time.Rudin's Second Law: In a ...rugged, adj.: Too heavy to lift.Rule #1: The Boss is always right.Rule #2: If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.Rule of Creative Research: (1) Never draw what you can copy. (2) Never copy what you can trace. (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.Rule of the Great: When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.Rules for Academic Deans: (1) HIDE!!!! (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! -- Father Damian C. FandalRules for driving in New York: (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. (2) You may park anywhere if y...Rules for Writers: Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no doublenegatives. Use the semicolo...Rune's Rule: If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.Ryan's Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.Sacher's Observation: Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.Satellite Safety Tip #14: If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.Savage's Law of Expediency: You want it bad, you'll get it bad.scenario, n.: An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in which a business decision is made. Sce...Schapiro's Explanation: The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's because they use more manure.Schlattwhapper, n.: The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"Schmidt's Observation: All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.Scott's First Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.Scott's Second Law: When an error has b...scribline, n.: The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes. -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & FriendsSecond Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong...Second Law of Final Exams: In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.Secretary's Revenge: Filing almost everything under "the".Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.Self Test for Paranoia: You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's your own fault.Senate, n.: A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors. -- Ambrose Biercesenility, n.: The state of mind of elderly persons with whom one happens to disagree.serendipity, n.: The process by which human knowledge is advanced.Serocki's Stricture: Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.Shannon's Observation: Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation that is beginning to improve.share, n.: To give in, endure humiliation.Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.Shedenhelm's Law: All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill sections.Shick's Law: There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.Silverman's Law: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.Simon's Law: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added ...Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. (2) A qu...Slous' Contention: If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.Slurm, n.: The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"Snacktrek, n.: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hop...snappy repartee: What you'd say if you had another chance.Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.Software, n.: Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.Some points to remember [about animals]: (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, ...spagmumps, n.: Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items. -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & FriendsSpeer's 1st Law of Proofreading: The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the number of times you have looked at it.Spence's Admonition: Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.Spirtle, n.: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"Spouse, n.: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.squatcho, n.: The button at the top of a baseball cap. -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friendsstandards, n.: The principles we use to reject other people's code.statistics, n.: A system for expressing your political prejudices in convincing scientific guise.Steckel's Rule to Success: Good enough is never good enough.Steele's Law: There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than ten men or fewer than one hundred.Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.Stenderup's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.Stock's Observation: You no sooner get your head above water but what someone pulls your flippers off.Stone's Law: One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"strategy, n.: A comprehensive plan of inaction.Strategy: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization.Stult's Report: Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight the solutions.Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crud.sugar daddy, n.: A man who can afford to raise cain.SUN Microsystems: The Network IS the Load Average.sunset, n.: Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths, resulting in selective transmission below 6...sushi, n.: When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and strapped on with electrical tape.Sushido, n.: The way of the tuna.Swahili, n.: The language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions. -- Johnny HartSweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.Swipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts the loudest has the floor.system-independent, adj.: Works equally poorly on all systems.T-shirt of the Day: Head for the Mountains -- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beerFollowup T-shirt of the Day (on the sa...T-shirt Of The Day: I'm the person your mother warned you about.T-shirt: Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking.take forceful action: Do something that should have been done a long time ago.tax office, n.: Den of inequity.Taxes, n.: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension.taxidermist, n.: A man who mounts animals.TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:Gong, n: Medieval term for privy, or what pased for them in that era.Today used whimsic...teamwork, n.: Having someone to blame.Technicality, n.: In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having accused a neighbor of murd...Telephone, n.: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. -- Ambrose Biercetelepression, n.: The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try hard enough to look up the ...Teutonic: Not enough gin.The 357.73 Theory: Auditors always reject expense accounts with a bottom line divisible by 5.The Abrams' Principle: The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter: I don't mind... and you don't matter. -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami HavabananaThe Beatles: Paul McCartney's old back-up band.The Briggs-Chase Law of Program Development: To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, tak...The Consultant's Curse: When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him what he asks for, instead of ...The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as thefollowing quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates...The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously.The First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it.The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): Don't do it yet. -- Michael JacksonThe five rules of Socialism: (1) Don't think. (2) If you do think, don't speak. (3) If you think and speak, don't...The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws: (1) You can't push on a string. (2) Ain't no free lunches. (3)...The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: He who has the gold makes the rules.The Gordian Maxim: If a string has one end, it has another.The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, his single pri...The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phasesare Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplom...The Illiterati Programus Canto 1: A program is a lot like a nose: Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.The Kennedy Constant: Don't get mad -- get even.The Law of the Letter: The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.The Marines: The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.The Marines: The few, the proud, the not very bright.The Modelski Chain Rule:(1) Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your head at 20-30 second ...The most dangerous organization in America today is: (a) The KKK (b) The American Nazi Party (c) The Delta Frequent Flyer ClubThe Official MBA Handbook on business cards: Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, Defe...The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane: Do not work openly on top-secret company cost...The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps: Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise g...The Phone Booth Rule: A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: "My brain is paged out to my liver."The real man's Bloody Mary: Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ic...The Roman Rule: The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.The rules: (1) Thou shalt not worship other computer systems. (2) Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat wa...The Second Law of Thermodynamics: If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! -- Jim WarnerThe Seventh Commandments for Technicians: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy fellow work...The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a direction ...The Third Law of Photography: If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadverte...The three biggest software lies: (1) *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source. (2) *Of course* the third p...The three laws of thermodynamics: (1) You can't get anything without working for it. (2) The most you can accompl...Theorem: a cat has nine tails.Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.Theorem: All positive integers are equal.Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A...Theory of Selective Supervision: The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the boss walks through the office.theory, n.: System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to originality, controversialism, inco...There are three ways to get something done: (1) Do it yourself. (2) Hire someone to do it for you. (3) Forbid your kids to do it.Those lovable Brits department: They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.Three rules for sounding like an expert: (1) Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. (2) Alwa...Thyme's Law: Everything goes wrong at once.timesharing, n: An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.Tip of the Day: Never fry bacon in the nude. [Correction: always fry bacon in the nude; you'll learn not to burn it]TIPS FOR PERFORMERS: Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters. There are a finite number of j...today, n.: A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.toilet toup'ee, n.: Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus creating endless annoyance to male users. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life: If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.transfer, n.: A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.transparent, adj.: Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. "It's there, but you can't see it" --...travel, n.: Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere."Trust me": Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."Truthful, adj.: Dumb and illiterate. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Tsort's Constant: 1.67563, or precisely 1,237.98712567 times the difference betweenthe distance to the sun and th...Turnaucka's Law: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.U.S. of A.: "Don't speak to the bus driver."Germany: "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the dri...Udall's Fourth Law: Any change or reform you make is going to have consequences you don't like.Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: Superiority is recessive.understand, v.: To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which you cease to examine what is re...Unfair animal names:-- tsetse fly -- bullhead-- booby -- duck-billed platypus-- sapsucker -- Clarence -- Gary Larsonunfair competition, n.: Selling cheaper than we do.union, n.: A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.Universe, n.: The problem.University, n.: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable, and it works, and if it break...Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible.untold wealth, n.: What you left out on April 15th.User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.user, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"[...vacation, n.: A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday life-style to recuperate.Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed.Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.Van Roy's Law: Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.Van Roy's Truism: Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.Vanilla, adj.: Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, very often does not mean that the food...Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. (2) If a...Viking, n.: 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers, entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggres...VMS, n.: The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.volcano, n.: A mountain with hiccups.Volley Theory: It is better to have lobbed and lost than never to have lobbed at all.vuja de: The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.Walters' Rule: All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from the center of the terminal. Nobody ev...Watson's Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it."We'll look into it": By the time the wheels make a full turn, we assume you will have forgotten about it, too.we: The single most important word in the world.weapon, n.: An index of the lack of development of a culture.Wedding, n: A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing and nothing...Weed's Axiom: Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one in which you are least interested and say nothing about the other.Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.Weinberg's First Law: Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.Weinberg's Principle: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references.well-adjusted, adj.: The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.Westheimer's Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.When asked the definition of "pi":The Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the cir...Whistler's Law: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.White's Statement: Don't lose heart!Owen's Commentary on White's Statement: ...they might want to cut it out...By...Whitehead's Law: The obvious answer is always overlooked.Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.Wilcox's Law: A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. William Safire's Rules for Writers:Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never beuse...Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.Wilner's Observation: All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.Wit, n.: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery ... by leaving it out. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"wok, n.: Something to thwow at a wabbit.wolf, n.: A man who knows all the ankles.Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. (2) Any computer design over 10 years...Woodward's Law: A theory is better than its explanation.Woolsey-Swanson Rule: People would rather live with a problem they cannot solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage a...work, n.: The blessed respite from screaming kids and soap operas for which you actually get paid.Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August. The lift lines are the shortest, though. -- Steve RubensteinWorst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, y...Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved in a nuclear wa...Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. -- Steve Rubensteinwrite-protect tab, n.: A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left by disk manufacturers...WYSIWYG: What You See Is What You Get.XIIdigitation, n.: The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made by deciphering the Roman numeral...Year, n.: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Yinkel, n.: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"yo-yo, n.: Something that is occasionally up but normally down. (see also Computer).Zall's Laws: (1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong. (2) How long a ...zeal, n.: Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.Zero Defects, n.: The result of shutting down a production line.Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.Obscurism: The practice of peppering daily life with obscurereferences as a subliminal means of showcasing both ...McJob: A low-pay, low-prestige, low-benefit, no-future job in theservice sector. Frequently considered a satisfy...Poverty Jet Set: A group of people given to chronic traveling at the expense oflong-term job stability or a perma...Historic Underdosing: To live in a period of time when nothing seems to happen.Major symptoms include addiction t...Historic Overdosing: To live in a period of time when too much seems to happen.Major symptoms include addiction t...Historical Slumming: The act of visiting locations such as diners, smokestackindustrial sites, rural villages -- ...Brazilification: The widening gulf between the rich and the poor and theaccompanying disappearance of the middle ...Vaccinated Time Travel: To fantasize about traveling backward in time, but onlywith proper vaccinations. -- Doug...Decade Blending: In clothing: the indiscriminate combination of two or moreitems from various decades to create a...Veal-Fattening Pen: Small, cramped office workstations built offabric-covered disassemblable wall partitions and ...Emotional Ketchup Burst: The bottling up of opinions and emotions inside oneself sothat they explosively burst fo...Bleeding Ponytail: An elderly, sold-out baby boomer who pines for hippie orpresellout days. -- Douglas Coupland,...Boomer Envy: Envy of material wealth and long-range material securityaccrued by older members of the baby boom ge...Clique Maintenance: The need of one generation to see the generation following itas deficient so as to bolster it...Consensus Terrorism: The process that decides in-office attitudes and behavior. -- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"Sick Building Migration: The tendency of younger workers to leave or avoid jobs inunhealthy office environments o...Recurving: Leaving one job to take another that pays less but places oneback on the learning curve. -- Douglas C...Ozmosis: The inability of one's job to live up to one's self-image. -- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"Power Mist: The tendency of hierarchies in office environments to be diffuseand preclude crisp articulation. -- ...Overboarding: Overcompensating for fears about the future by plungingheadlong into a job or life-style seemingly ...Earth Tones: A youthful subgroup interested in vegetarianism, tie-dyedoutfits, mild recreational drugs, and good ...Ethnomagnetism: The tendency of young people to live in emotionallydemonstrative, more unrestrained ethnic neighb...Mid-Twenties Breakdown: A period of mental collapse occurring in one's twenties,often caused by an inability to f...Successophobia: The fear that if one is successful, then one's personal needswill be forgotten and one will no lo...Safety Net-ism: The belief that there will always be a financial and emotionalsafety net to buffer life's hurts. ...Divorce Assumption: A form of Safety Net-ism, the belief that if a marriagedoesn't work out, then there is no pro...Anti-Sabbatical: A job taken with the sole intention of staying only for alimited period of time (often one year)...Legislated Nostalgia: To force a body of people to have memories they do notactually possess: "How can I be a par...Now Denial: To tell oneself that the only time worth living in is the past andthat the only time that may ever be...Bambification: The mental conversion of flesh and blood living creatures intocartoon characters possessing bourge...Diseases for Kisses (Hyperkarma): A deeply rooted belief that punishment will somehow always befar greater than t...Spectacularism: A fascination with extreme situations. -- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"Lessness: A philosophy whereby one reconciles oneself with diminishingexpectations of material wealth: "I've give...Status Substitution: Using an object with intellectual or fashionable cachet tosubstitute for an object that is m...Survivulousness: The tendency to visualize oneself enjoying being the lastperson on Earth. "I'd take a helicopte...Platonic Shadow: A nonsexual friendship with a member of the opposite sex. -- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"Mental Ground Zero: The location where one visualizes oneself during the droppingof the atomic bomb; frequently, ...Cult of Aloneness: The need for autonomy at all costs, usually at the expense oflong-term relationships. Often b...Celebrity Schadenfreude: Lurid thrills derived from talking about celebrity deaths. -- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"The Emperor's New Mall: The popular notion that shopping malls exist on the insides onlyand have no exterior. Th...Poorochrondria: Hypochrondria derived from not having medical insurance. -- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"Personal Tabu: A small rule for living, bordering on a superstition, thatallows one to cope with everyday life in...Architectural Indigestion: The almost obsessive need to live in a "cool"architectural environment. Frequently re...Japanese Minimalism: The most frequently offered interior design aesthetic used byrootless career-hopping young p...Bread and Circuits: The electronic era tendency to view party politics as corny --no longer relevant of meaningfu...Voter's Block: The attempt, however futile, to register dissent with thecurrent political system by simply not vo...Armanism: After Giorgio Armani; an obsession with mimicking the seamlessand (more importantly) *controlled* ethos...Poor Buoyancy: The realization that one was a better person when one had lessmoney. -- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"Musical Hairsplitting: The act of classifying music and musicians into pathologicallypicayune categories: "The Vi...101-ism: The tendency to pick apart, often in minute detail, allaspects of life using half-understood pop psychol...Yuppie Wannabes: An X generation subgroup that believes the myth of a yuppielife-style being both satisfying and ...Ultra Short Term Nostalgia: Homesickness for the extremely recent past: "God, things seemedso much better in the ...Rebellion Postponement: The tendency in one's youth to avoid traditionally youthfulactivities and artistic experi...Conspicuous Minimalism: A life-style tactic similar to Status Substitution. Thenonownership of material goods fl...Caf'e Minimalism: To espouse a philosophy of minimalism without actually puttinginto practice any of its tenets....O'Propriation: The inclusion of advertising, packaging, and entertainmentjargon from earlier eras in everyday spe...Air Family: Describes the false sense of community experienced among coworkersin an office environment. -- Dougl...Squirming: Discomfort inflicted on young people by old people who see noirony in their gestures. "Karen died a t...Recreational Slumming: The practice of participating in recreational activitiesof a class one perceives as lower ...Conversational Slumming: The self-conscious enjoyment of a given conversationprecisely for its lack of intellectu...Occupational Slumming: Taking a job well beneath one's skill or education levelas a means of retreat from adult r...Anti-Victim Device: A small fashion accessory worn on an otherwiseconservative outfit which announces to the worl...Nutritional Slumming: Food whose enjoyment stems not from flavor but from acomplex mixture of class connotations,...Tele-Parabilizing: Morals used in everyday life that derive from TV sitcom plots:"That's just like the episode wh...QFD: Quelle fucking drag. "Jamie got stuck at Rome airport forthirty-six hours and it was, like, totally QFD." ...QFM: Quelle fashion mistake. "It was really QFM. I mean painterpants? That's 1979 beyond belief." -- Douglas ...Me-ism: A search by an individual, in the absence of training intraditional religious tenets, to formulate a pers...Paper Rabies: Hypersensitivity to littering. -- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"Bradyism: A multisibling sensibility derived from having grown up inlarge families. A rarity in those born after...Black Holes: An X generation subgroup best known for their possession ofalmost entirely black wardrobes. -- Doug...Black Dens: Where Black Holes live; often unheated warehouses with Day-Glospray painting, mutilated mannequins, E...Strangelove Reproduction: Having children to make up for the fact that one no longerbelieves in the future. -- D...Squires: The most common X generation subgroup and the only subgroupgiven to breeding. Squires exist almost excl...Poverty Lurks: Financial paranoia instilled in offspring by depression-eraparents. -- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"Pull-the-Plug, Slice the Pie: A fantasy in which an offspring mentally tallies up thenet worth of his parents. -...Underdogging: The tendency to almost invariably side with the underdog in agiven situation. The consumer express...2 + 2 = 5-ism: Caving in to a target marketing strategy aimed at oneself afterholding out for a long period of ti...Option Paralysis: The tendency, when given unlimited choices, to make none. -- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"Personality Tithe: A price paid for becoming a couple; previously amusinghuman beings become boring: "Thanks for ...Jack-and-Jill Party: A Squire tradition; baby showers to which both men andwomen friends are invited as opposed t...Down-Nesting: The tendency of parents to move to smaller, guest-room-freehouses after the children have moved awa...greenrd's law Evey post disparaging someone else's spelling or grammar, or lauding one's own spelling or grammar,...1/2 oz. gin1/2 oz. vodka1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)3/4 oz. tequilla1/2 oz. triple sec1/2 oz. orange juice3/4 oz...6 oz. orange juice1 oz. vodka1/2 oz. Galliano Harvey WallbangersA beer delayed is a beer denied.A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good. [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.]A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps itinto a urinal. Over the course of ...A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to drink with-- even if he drank. -- H.L. MenckenAbsinthe makes the tart grow fonder.Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. -- George Bernard ShawAlcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. The surestpoison is time. -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.Always store beer in a dark place. -- Lazarus LongAn alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. -- Dylan ThomasAnd you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,because the bars close every time you're thirsty...... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. -- J. B. WhiteBe wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"Because the wine remembers.Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.Beggar to well-dressed businessman: "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be ...Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.Brandy-and-water spoils two good things. -- Charles LambBut, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... someth...Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy. -- Samuel JohnsonClimbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer. "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?" "Well, yes,...Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one. -- Cheers, No Help ...Coach: How's it going, Norm?Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'. -- Cheers, Truce or ConsequencesSam: ...Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?Norm: Daddy wuvs you. -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to JailSam: What'd ...Coach: What's up, Norm?Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach. -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's WeightsCoach: What's sha...Come quickly, I am tasting stars! -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get s...Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol forinstant motor skills. -- Marc PriceDrinking is not a spectator sport. -- Jim BrosnanDrinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to beginwith, that it's compounding a felony. -- Robert BenchleyDrunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose alot a poker. -- Karyl RooseveltEggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Manypeople wonder where the word "eggnog" comes f...ELECTRIC JELL-O2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin2 cups fruit (any variety...Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler. Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with eachother, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, sing...Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. -- Jimmy CannonFortune finishes the great quotations, #17 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, May prove a beauteous ...FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8 Christmas Rum Cake1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder1 cup butter 1 tsp. so...FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your goodliquor at BYOB par...Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink): fifth of dry red wine fifth of Aquavit 1 and 1/2 inch piece of ...Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it withmilk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful....Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatlyrelieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bo...He knew the tavernes well in every toun. -- Geoffrey ChaucerHe's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows."Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" -- W. C. FieldsHOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME -- Take a shot every time:-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"-- G...I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. -- Phil HarrisI distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drinktoo much, it's because he's not to be trus...I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good. -- K. CoatesI drink to make other people interesting. -- George Jean NathanI gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20minutes of my life!I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. I do believe that is a record. -- Dylan Thomas, his last wordsI have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. -- Richard BurtonI kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.I haven't had time for tobacco since. -- Arturo ToscaniniI may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. -- Alexander WoolcottI never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; what I said was allsaloonkeepers were Democrats.I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sadthought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.I used to have a drinking problem. Now I love the stuff.I will not drink!But if I do...I will not get drunk!But if I do...I will not in public!But if I do...I will not f...I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. -- Fred Allen[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]I'm not under the alkafluence of inkaholthat some thinkle peep I am.It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!I've always made it a solemn practice to never drink anything strongerthan tequila before breakfast. -- R. NessonI've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved. -- George GobelIf God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, I would send a barrel orso to my other generals. -- Abraham Lincoln, on General GrantIf people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off. -- Edward E. Hippensteel[What brand of ink? Ed.]If you don't drink it, someone else will.If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Leninin a very familiar pose -- arms raised a...In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette isplaced in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's taste and in a sports carit's impossible.In vino veritas. [In wine there is truth.] -- PlinyIt has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friendsand getting people under the influence. -- Jeremy TunstallIt's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back and party! -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"It's gonna be alright,It's almost midnight,And I've got two more bottles of wine.It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... boy getsanother beer. -- CheersIt's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they'remadly in love, drunk, or running for office.Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her whatdisguise she would recommend for him. S...Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best waythey can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief. -- Al CaponeLife, like beer, is merely borrowed. -- Don ReedLook at it this way: Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you broughthome "Cuddles", so you're going out to ...Look at it this way: Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons toforget $26,000 of college education. And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,and in a mood for communing with nature, r..."Mind if I smoke?" "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!""Mind if I smoke?" "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"My mother drinks to forget she drinks. -- Crazy JimmyMy uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago. -- George GobelNever delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.No, I don't have a drinking problem.I drink, I get drunk, I fall down.No problem![Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?Norm: With a lot of expensi...[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]Off-screen crowd: Norm!Sam: How the hell do they know him here?C...[Norm is angry.]Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?Norm: Clifford Clavin's head. -- Cheers, The TriangleSa...[Norm returns from the hospital.]Coach: What's up, Norm?Norm: Everything that's supposed to be. -- Cheers, Di...[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]Norm: Afternoon, everybody!All: Anton! -- Cheers, The Two...Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps. -- Cheers, The Coach's DaughterCoach: How's life treating you, Norm?Norm: Li...Norm: Hey, everybody.All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]Norm: [Carries on both sides of ...Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we aren't poets.Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't make you live longer --it just seems that way.NOTICE: Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will be summarily put out.Now is the time for drinking; now the time to beat the earth withunfettered foot. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows powertools aren't soluble in alcohol... -- Crazy NigelOld Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we wereforced to live on nothing but food and wate...One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quietwhen well oiled.One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, PatrickMalone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending ...Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups --alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. -- Alex LevinePLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer, emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.Police: Good evening, are you the host?Host: No.Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.Host: Abou...Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit (2) Pour into it ...Riffle West Virginia is so small that the Boy Scout had to double as thetown drunk.Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed tobecome necessary. -- Edgar FriedenbergSaid the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I gotstarted one night when George came home and found one burning in the ashtray."Sam: What do you know there, Norm?Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me? -- Cheers, LoverboydSam:...Sam: What's the good word, Norm?Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...Norm: Yeah...Sam: What do you say, Norm?Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer. -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love a...Sam: What's going on, Normie?Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll blow...Sam: What's new, Norm?Norm: Most of my wife. -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold OneCoach: Beer, Norm?Nor...Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. -- W.C. FieldsSMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!! Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the U.S. government Enviro...Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. -- Fletcher KnebelSmoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult. -- Fran LebowitzSmoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice aslarge as it needs to be?Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm theonly ashtray. Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters Half 1/2 bottle Bottle 750 milliliters Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters Jeroboam 4 b...Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.Problem: Glass empty...Symptom: Everything has gone dark.Fault: The Bar is closing.Action Required: Panic.Symptom: You awaken to fin...Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.Action Required: Turn glass...Symptom: Floor blurred.Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.Action Required: Find someone who ...Symptom: Floor swaying.Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.Action Re...Take me drunk, I'm home again!The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk. -- Maurice BaringThe best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right tosmoke is a right worth dying for.The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I willwalk carefully. -- Russian ProverbThe cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart. -- W.C. FieldsThe father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on abusiness trip, thought he would pay his b...The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting tochange your name and start a new life in different city. -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini isa belt of gin from the bottle; anything els...The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offerthem a drink. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokesthe worst cigars. -- H. L. MenckenThe voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as h...The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.By diligent effort, I learned to like it. -- Winston Churchill"The whole world is about three drinks behind." -- Humphrey BogartThe wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, andnot the dog, is man's best friend. Rov...There are more old drunkards than old doctors.There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.There are two problems with a major hangover. You feellike you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are menof over ninety who have never yet kissed a...There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car whenthe boss asks for a lift home from the office.These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what theyused to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angosturabitters. Shake. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail.Too ripped. Gotta go.Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor...Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic. -- E.F. BensonWe don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do. -- Walter SummersWhat scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? -- J.D. FarleyWhen all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advancethe spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Quee...When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons.A loud general cheer went up. Afte...When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. Ihave found that I can keep comfortably...When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serveit on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality. -- Al CaponeWhen the cup is full, carry it level.When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer. While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a womaninquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smok...Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get afresh one for a quarter of the price?Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. I shall be sober in the morning.Wonderful day. Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's just cut to the ...Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver,...Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers. -- Cheers...Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?Norm: The warranty on my liver. -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to DoSam: W...Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?Norm: Poor.Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.Norm: No, I meant `...Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody. -- ...Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me? -- Cheers, Stran...Work is the curse of the drinking classes. -- Mike RomanoffYou can't fall off the floor.You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean MartinA book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deemsbest. That's dangerous. Is the work of...A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine. -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, andart into pedantry. Hence University education. -- G. B. ShawA good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightenedinto place but a seed to be planted and to be...A grammarian's life is always in tense.A great many people think they are thinking when they are merelyrearranging their prejudices. -- William JamesA mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchenfloor one day when the local cat, by a f...A Parable of Modern Research: Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for onebrightly lit corner. "W...A pencil with no point needs no eraser. A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling by Mark Twain For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c"...A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctorrecorded the following on the patient's chart: ...A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you firstthought of. -- Burt BacharachA tautology is a thing which is tautological.A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interestin students. -- John Ciardi"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly." -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT AustinAbout all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.Abstract: This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a groupof 94 white-collar working men and...Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,because the stakes are so low. -- Wallace SayreAcademicians care, that's who.=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if ...An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. -- Benjamin FranklinAny two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughterof Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard. -- J.F. KennedyAs long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array ofdata or a sequence of events in which they a...British education is probably the best in the world, if you can surviveit. If you can't there is nothing left fo...... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Humanintellectual capacity has not altered for thou...Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points. -- M. M. JohnstonComparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatnessof a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." -- David GuaspariDear Freshman, You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, butunknown to you we have something in common....Dear Miss Manners: My home economics teacher says that one must never place one'selbows on the table. However, I...Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.Did you know the University of Iowa closed down after someone stole the book?Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.Do you know the difference between education and experience? Educationis what you get when you read the fine pri...Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply anddemand. The less of either the people have, the less they want. -- Charlotte Observer, 1897Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time totime that nothing that is worth knowing c...Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. -- Daniel J. BoorstinEducation is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. -- Irwin EdmanEducation is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten. -- B.F. SkinnerEducational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only leadto unreasonable disappointment when your ...Eloquence is logic on fire.Encyclopedia for sale by father. Son knows everything.Engineering: "How will this work?"Science: "Why will this work?"Management: "When will this work?"Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speakit to? -- Clarence DarrowEverywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. Myopinion is that they don't stifle enough ...Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, foreven the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer. -- C.C. ColtonExperience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first andthe instruction afterward.F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:Probably the greatest quality of the ...Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argueingeniously on behalf of any theory, applie...Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to schoolmake a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre. -- Gail GodwinGraduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture.Graduate students and most professors are no smarter than undergrads.They're just older.He that teaches himself has a fool for a master. -- Benjamin Franklin"He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him insufferable."He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicionon the limits of his scholarship or, in the...[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he hada complete set. -- Ring LardnerHigher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names. -- Leo TolstoyHow do you explain school to a higher intelligence? -- Elliot, "E.T."I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent person, you will not sell meanother book."I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." -- English ProfessorI am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someonehas printed gibberish all over it and put y...I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of thesentences that you are sending out in the...I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself. -- Firesign TheatreI came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time tomake it shorter. -- Blaise Pascal"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..." -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting:a man who takes more words than are ...I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. -- Wilson MiznerI think your opinions are reasonable, except for the one about my mentalinstability. -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper)presently occupies the bottom of m...If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become presidentof Harvard. -- Edward HolyokeIf he had only learnt a little less, how infinitely better he might havetaught much more!If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?If little else, the brain is an educational toy. -- Tom RobbinsIf someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. -- Pope John Paul IIf the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to getthe police at the gates to keep order in...If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? -- Lily TomlinIf we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world. -- WittgensteinIf while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnelin a particular field, then by the time you...If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.If you can't read this, blame a teacher.If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquiredeeper insights into what you believe? Th...If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. -- Derek Bok, president of HarvardIf you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end toend, they'd be a lot more comfortable. -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten""If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything." -- A. L.Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is therage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow. -- Franklin K. DaneIgnorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many peopleso resolutely pursuing it. Illiterate? Write today, for free help! In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,Junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a disserta...In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said hethought the general public should hav...Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don'tthey pass a constitutional amendment proh...Iowa State -- the high school after high school! -- Crow T. RobotIt has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneselfthat one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____...It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,or especially consummate expertise, ... It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books andby eminent people when they are making speech... It's grad exam time...COMPUTER SCIENCE Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operatingsystem i... It's grad exam time...MEDICINE You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and abottle of Sco...It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean itis. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's h...Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee. -- SnoopyLearned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.Learning without thought is labor lost;thought without learning is perilous. -- ConfuciusMaybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain'tusing ain't ain't eatin' well. -- Will RogersMost seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose your ignorance; you cannotreplace it." -- Erich Maria RemarqueNever have so many understood so little about so much. -- James BurkeNever let your schooling interfere with your education.No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon lectures which arereally worth the attending. -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"No matter who you are, some scholar can show you the great idea you hadwas had by someone before you.No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other reasonthan self-protection. We never recomm...Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paperis from the wrong kind of tree. -- Professor... `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURETimewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in themargins or stu..."OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard." -- Dr. JoyOK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazinghow many eggs one can break without making ...Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may beupwards of a figure rather below 10m#..."Plaese porrf raed." -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. PurchasePractice is the best of all instructors. -- PubliliusPrinceton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtletaste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco....Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130midterm. Once again a student did not ...Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"Yogi Berra: "Closed."Rules for Good Grammar #4. (1) Don't use no double negatives. (2) Make each pronoun agree with their antecedent...Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart myteacher was in my class for five years. -- George BurnsSome scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books. -- Folk saying"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."Spelling is a lossed art.Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminarwithout his duck ...Teachers have class.The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever dothis to my eyes again. -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State CollegeThe alarm clock that is louder than God's own belongs to the roommate withthe earliest class.The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones fromone graveyard to another. -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turnedinto a comfortable livelihood, providing you b... "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puffand blow, "is to learn something. That's the o...The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get upin the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover hisintellectual nakedness. -- Robert M. HutchinsThe end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday, withsymposium to follow.The future is a race between education and catastrophe. -- H.G. WellsThe important thing is not to stop questioning.The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. -- MenanderThe only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing. -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn. -- Earl WarrenThat men do not learn very much from...The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. -- HegelI know guys can't learn from...The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they haveto sleep every few days.The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays theilliterates can read. -- Alberto MoraviaThe real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking. -- Christopher Morley"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group andis an emerging underachiever."The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant. The population is,of course, growing.The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposedideas in the mind at the same time and st...The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religiousseminaries, many devoted to specia...The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met anopen doorway with an open mind. -- E.B. WhiteThere are no answers, only cross-references. -- WeinerThis is the sort of English up with which I will not put. -- Winston ChurchillThose who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, forthese only gave life, those the art of living well. -- AristotleTime is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. -- Hector BerliozTo accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.To accuse oneself shows that one's educ...To craunch a marmoset. -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"To teach is to learn twice. -- Joseph JoubertTo teach is to learn.Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. -- Charles SchulzTrying to get an education here is like trying to get a drink from a fire hose.Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a littlein with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. -- C. P. SnowWalt: Dad, what's gradual school?Garp: Gradual school?Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's te..."We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!" -- VroomfondelWe know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessaryto know the origin of the universe; it is...We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonablethings we did. I can only plead that my... "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. Wehad crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what...What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of afree meandering brook. -- Henry David Thoreau What I Did During My Fall SemesterOn the first day of my fall semester, I got up.Then I went to the library to ...What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying? -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error. -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"What we do not understand we do not possess. -- GoetheWhat's page one, a preemptive strike? -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State CollegeWhen I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked intothe soul of the boy sitting next to me. -- Woody AllenWhenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really." -- Dave ParnasWhere do I find the time for not reading so many books? -- Karl Kraus"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. -- George Ade Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fishand And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chi...You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school. -- H.H. MunroYou don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. -- J. D. SalingerYou may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. -- Alfred Kahn"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a plowshare,your paper into fertilizer, and enter agr...Your education begins where what is called your education is over. A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.After being reported missing a day or two la...Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car wenton vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live inAmerica is the city of Pittsburgh. ..."All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands." -- Saint PatrickAlso, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they hadto invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.baa, n:...America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, untilpeople got tired of living in a place ca...America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood? -- Allen GinsbergAmerican by birth; Texan by the grace of God.Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out to have been aphenomenon, not a civilization. -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"An American is a man with two arms and four wheels. -- A Chinese childAn Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. -- A.P. HerbertAnything anybody can say about America is true. -- Emmett GroganArmenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakhautonomous region, rioted over much nee...Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes. -- The Best of Will RogersBond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of themseemed to come from Texas. -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry that outof a Boston man if you had the tire ... Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibreesalong the block of booths. She chirruped at Ken...Climate and Surgery R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and whoreceived a derringer ball in t...David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans": * Greatest number of citizens who have actually board...Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.erra, n: A mistake.faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.Linder, ...Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.Do you know Montana?Do you know the difference between a yankee and a damyankee?A yankee comes south to *_____visit*.Eli and Bessie went to sleep.In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli. "Please be so kindly and close the wi...Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishmanwere each asked to write a book on elephan...For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or ...Fortune presents: USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?Mi ne komprenas. ...Fortune presents: USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?^Cu vi ofte ven...Fortune presents: USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a h...Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than thehars..."Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore.""God gives burdens; also shoulders"Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at theend of th...Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers andcheating on your income tax. -- Mike RoykoHave you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it canphotograph an American with his mouth shut!Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.Hear about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?One fortunate cookie... Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month.According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-..."His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he hadmoney, he went to Southern California."Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discovererof California, was not looking for Kansa...Houdini escaping from New Jersey!Film at eleven.How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy. -- Yul Brynner, 1956I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, ofpre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will u...I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot. -- George Bernard ShawI shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck. -- graffito in Los AngelesOn a clear day,U.C.L.A. -- graffito in S...I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happensevery six months or so. So, I thought,..."I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?" -- Harold Urey, Nobel LaureateIf all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 footplatform erected 10 feet off their coast, ...Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like theland He's trying to ignore.In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn'tget parts.In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. -- Stuart KeateIn California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make it intotelevision shows. -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs andbasketball. Berkeley, needless to say...Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsav...Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cathedral in Spain: It is forbidden to enter a woman, ...Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Various signs in Poland: Right turn toward immediate outside. G...Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's becausethey can't figure out how to get two quarts ...Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there? -- Herb CaenIt's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma. If He didn't, why is it soclose to Texas?It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. -- Kevin White, Mayor of BostonIt's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. -- Alexander KordaIt's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact thatEnglish is the only major language in which "I" i...It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything elsefollows in the same way. -- Alan J. PerlisLike so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that madesense from things she found in gift shops. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,wins few friends, Germans excepted. -- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. -- Candice BergenLiving in New York City gives people real incentives to want things thatnobody else wants. -- Andy WarholMinnesota -- home of the blonde hair and blue ears. mosquito supplier to the free world. come fall in love with a...Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feetin his socks, was taking his first air...Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking placein California ... [it] is also a great p...Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. -- Richard LewisMy godda bless, never I see sucha people. -- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia ThraleNew York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people aroundwhom you shouldn't make a sudden move. -- David LettermanNo matter what other nations may say about the United States,immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery."Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place calledYorba Linda, and out of the ground he made t...On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the littlegirl knelt by her bed to say her prayer...On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. -- W.C. Fields' epitaphOne of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender yourseat to another passenger. This may seem ...paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a a vehicle) for a time in a certain location.pa...Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself wouldsay that it had merely been detected. -- Oscar WildePhiladelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next toexciting Camden, New Jersey.Providence, New Jersey, is one of the few cities where Velveeta cheeseappears on the gourmet shelf.San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. -- Herb CaenSeattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on th... Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, ahaven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a g...Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New YorkCity. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What tr... "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of theMachineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote...The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmenin the image of Englishmen. -- Winston Churchill, 1942The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love theeagle -- on the back of a dollar. -- Finlay Peter DunneThe Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon fromsinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin. --Salvador De MadariagaThe best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese...The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries. -- Nora EphronThe British are coming! The British are coming!The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the words to a song --it's that they know them *___all*. -- Susan DooleyThe Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch a satellite.Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!The difference between America and England is that the English think 100miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness. -- Mel BrooksThe English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakablein full pursuit of the uneatable. -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"The English have no respect for their language, and will not teachtheir children to speak it. -- G. B. ShawThe English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modestabout it. -- James Agate, British film and drama critic[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people. -- Somerset MaughamThe geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of thecenter we find the South End. This is not to b...The goys have proven the following theorem... -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom lecture. The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mist...The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. -- Andy WarholThe most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most commonfamily name in the world is Chang. Can you i...The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a rightturn on a red light. -- Woody AllenThe San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, but there hasalways been a limited number of Human Beings. -- Little Big Man The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at thestadium for the first game of the World Series o...Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese mealsin a row; in China, I often remind them, there ...There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in theocean level wouldn't cure. -- Ross MacDonaldThere must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United States; of course,I never heard the story before. There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessan. Seems oneday he decided to stop in downstairs for som...There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan.Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and wen...There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny. -- G. Gordon LiddyThree Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete ...Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles. -- Frank Lloyd WrightTo a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before heis allowed to drive a taxi in New York. ...To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely goabove fifty-eight degrees. If you collaps...To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeonsin New York is that the pigeons don't sh...To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zo...To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than amillion dollars are those on fire. Thes...To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease inZion, b) full of a comfortable feeling ...To know Edina is to reject it. -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. -- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz"Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When youget to your destination, say to your driv...Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. -- David LettermanTraveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village."What's this place called?" he asked ...Visit beautiful Vergas, Minnesota.Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.Visit[1] the beautiful Smoky Mountains![1] visit, v.: Come for a week, spend too much money and pay lots of hidde...We don't care how they do it in New York.Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty,and the children are above-average. -- Garrison KeillorWhat kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whithergoest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night? -- Jack KerouacWhatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California willnever succeed. -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of CaliforniaWhen a man is tired of London, he is tired of life. -- Samuel JohnsonWhen does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, Ithink it was a Tuesday.When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocketand a willingness to compromise. -- Weber cartoon captionWhen I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I saidto myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." -- Franklyn AjayeWhen you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourselfAmericanized.Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id. -- Webster's Unafraid DictionaryYes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of thoseL-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l. -- Rita RudnerYou always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty spray paint cansin a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina. -- GuindonYou know you're in a small town when... You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going. Yo...1893 The ideal brain tonic1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all soda fountains1905 I...1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty1929 The high sign of refreshment1929 The pause that refreshes... A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Ponggame. They had the volley of the Dills. A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as thehouse of seven gobbles.A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch. -- James Beard A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. Hekept favoring curry.A waist is a terrible thing to mind. -- Ziggy A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meatloaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday me...Actor: So what do you do for a living?Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes f...Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me. "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"asked the father of his little son. "Diet."Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had broughtthe potato salad.As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simplememory aid that you can use to determine wh...Be careful when you bite into your hamburger. -- Derek BokBOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! Boycott meat -- suck your thumb.Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination offats and sugar, it can duplicate choco...Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality. -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."Consider the following axioms carefully: "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz." and "Everything's better w...Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part ofthis complete breakfast". The way it com...Death before dishonor. But neither before breakfast.Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, andSnap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!Dieters live life in the fasting lane.Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.Do not worry about which side your bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come... During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. Hestumbled across a rock on the ground and fe...Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it. -- Harry Secombe's dietEat drink and be merry! Tommorrow you may be in Utah.Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway."Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.Even a cabbage may look at a king.Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. -- Alexander WoollcottEverything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference beingthat a belch is more satisfying. -- Ingmar BergmanFat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo"For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i...Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay ou...Fortune's diet truths:1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.2: Any reci...God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter? Has your family tried 'em? POWDERMILK BISCUITS Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! They'...Have a taco. -- P.S. BeagleHome on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. -- Jack Benny "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretaryof her blonde companion. "Fishing through th...How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried bya waiter at a nice party? Two, but the...I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roastwith an option to buy.I brake for chezlogs!I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps thetime I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand. -- Peter OakleyI don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea ofa frog jumping on my Breakfast. -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed. -- Calvin TrillinI don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. -- Katherine CebrianI don't have an eating problem. I eat. I get fat. I buy new clothes.No problem."I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'deat it, and I just hate it." -- Clarence DarrowI have never been one to sacrifice my appetite on the altar of appearance. -- A.M. ReadyhoughI have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals. -- ThoreauI just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. I think I saw God. -- B. Hathrume DukI never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook. "I thought you were trying to get into shape." "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. -- Totie FieldsIf at first you fricasee, fry, fry again.If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.If you are what you eat, does that mean Euell Gibbons really was a nut?If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of arestaurant. -- SnoopyIf you see an onion ring -- answer it!If you stew apples like cranberries, they taste more like prunes thanrhubarb does. -- Groucho MarxIf you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.If you're going to America, bring your own food. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"If your bread is stale, make toast.In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. -- Josi SimonIs there life before breakfast?It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, to argue with the belly,since it has no ears. -- Marcus Porcius CatoIT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up abouta hundred drumsticks, then the guy at M...It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warningsabout toxic substances and just gave...It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingershave been all over it. -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.Pick one. (1) It's less calories than two...Killing turkeys causes winter.Kissing don't last, cookery do. -- George MeredithKitchen activity is highlighted. Butter up a friend.Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke upthe pillow was gone. -- Tommy CooperLast week's pet, this week's special.Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have toeat it nevertheless. -- Flaubert"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."Life is like a tin of sardines. We're, all of us, looking for the key. -- Beyond the FringeLife is like an egg stain on your chin -- you can lick it, but it stillwon't go away.Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimesyou weep. -- Carl SandburgLife is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer and then you findthere is nothing in it. -- James HunekerLife is too short to stuff a mushroom. -- Storm JamesonLife without caffeine is stimulating enough. -- Sanka AdLiving here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And whenyou're on the lam like me, you appreciate a g...Lobster: Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks aresqueamish about placing them into boiling...Man who arrives at party two hours late will find he has been beatento the punch.MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers2 cups water 2 cups sugar2 ...Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market. -- E.W. HoweMountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important mealof the day.My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless thereare three other people. -- Orson WellesMy favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuceand mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side. -- Senator Hubert HumphreyMy weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled withthe chemicals in coke produce hallucina...Never eat anything bigger than your head.Never eat more than you can lift. -- Miss PiggyNo man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop aftereating one peanut. -- Channing PollockNothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. -- Charlie BrownNow that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the nexttime some housewife or boutique-owner-turn...Peanut Blossoms4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla4 cups shortening 14...Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.Waiter: Who told you?Pete: A little swallow.Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!Prunes give you a run for your money.Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer. Let it simmer. Meanwhile,broil a good steak. Eat the steak. Let th...Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled withone, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, ...RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. (2) Never leave the table hungry...Sacred cows make great hamburgers.Save gas, don't eat beans.Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing. -- James ThurberSo much food; so little time!Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout inthe milk. -- ThoreauThe basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit calledthe "patty," consisting of -- this wo...The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animalsbecause in Yosemite and Sequoia national par...The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show upat the steam fitters' picnic.The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. -- John McNulty THE DAILY PLANET SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT! Plans to "Eat it later"The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass throughthree distinct and recognizable phases, tho...The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It isthe single most popular pickle variety tod...The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." "Li...The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by aham, for a ham, in the very nature of ...The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she servedthe family nothing but leftovers. T..."The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert." -- D. LettermanThe number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the successof the barbecue.The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machineincreases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.The only thing better than love is milk.The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", which isalso sometimes called "grape sugar," ...The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I g...The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days lateryou're hungry again. -- George MillerThe way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must beoffered: entertainment, food, and affectio...There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is oneof them.There are twenty-five people left in the world, and twenty-seven ofthem are hamburgers. -- Ed SandersThere is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in theman who eats Grape-Nuts on principle. -- G.K. ChestertonThere is no sincerer love than the love of food. -- George Bernard ShawThere's always free cheese in a mousetrap.There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops. -- Groucho MarxThis is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach myFood-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my s...This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. ... This striving for excellence extends into people's personallives as well. When '80s people buy something, t... To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merelywish to maintain, do whatever you were doing. T...To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget ...Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.Too Late A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday bythe two o'clock boats. If their objec...Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.Vegetables are what food eats.Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.Fish are fast moving vegetables....Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat.Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"1st customer: "I'll have tea."2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass ...Wake up and smell the coffee. -- Ann LandersWhat foods these morsels be!What is food to one, is to others bitter poison. -- Titus Lucretius CarusWhat is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one'senemies. Give a man these three things a...When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.When all else fails, EAT!!!When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasionalcheese dip. -- Ignatius Reilly "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,"what's the first thing you say to yourself?" "What...When you're dining out and you suspect something's wrong, you're probably right.Where do you go to get anorexia? -- Shelley WintersWhile it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don'tkeep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. -- Edward StevensonWhoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the pure in heartcan make a good soup. -- Ludwig Van BeethovenWhy do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny.Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in theway he did. In addition to paper an...Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start gettingincredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrap...You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese FoodYou first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,what might you have done for a truffled t...You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. -- S. Rickly ChristianYou know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82You must dine in our cafeteria. You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, another $2if he claims it will be His Pleasure ...Your mind is the part of you that says, "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"... and then, twenty minutes later, s...A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?A few hours grace before the madness begins again.A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.Buy the negatives at any price.A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.Advancement in position.After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.Are you a turtle?Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?Are you making all this up as you go along?Are you sure the back door is locked?Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.Avoid reality at all costs.Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.Be careful! Is it classified?Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!Be cautious in your daily affairs.Be cheerful while you are alive. -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.Be different: conform.Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better soget used to it.Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have yourlife in such a mess.Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.Beware of Bigfoot!Beware of low-flying butterflies.Beware the one behind you.Blow it out your ear.Break into jail and claim police brutality.Bridge ahead. Pay troll.Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.Caution: Keep out of reach of children.Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.Change your thoughts and you change your world.Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.Chess tonight.Chicken Little only has to be right once.Chicken Little was right.Cold hands, no gloves.Communicate! It can't make things any worse.Courage is your greatest present need.Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.Do not overtax your powers.Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.Domestic happiness and faithful friends.Don't feed the bats tonight.Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.Don't get to bragging.Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.Don't plan any hasty moves. You'll be evicted soon anyway.Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.Don't read everything you believe.Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.Don't Worry, Be Happy. -- Meher BabaDon't worry. Life's too long. -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.Everything will be just tickety-boo today.Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.Excellent day to have a rotten day.Excellent time to become a missing person.Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.Exercise caution in your daily affairs.Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.Fine day for friends.So-so day for you.Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuraisword wielding purple fish glued to Harle...Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.Give him an evasive answer.Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving toa new town.Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.Good day to let down old friends who need help.Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate'snew lover.Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.If you can read this, you're too close.If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn365 useless things.If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.Is that really YOU that is reading this?Is this really happening?It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-yougrown-up.It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.It was all so different before everything changed.It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. -- Churchy La FemmeIt's all in the mind, ya know.It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.Just because the message may never be received does not mean it isnot worth sending.Just to have it is enough.Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.Keep it short for pithy sake.Lady Luck brings added income today. Lady friend takes it away tonight.Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure."Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.Long life is in store for you.Look afar and see the end from the beginning.Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.Make a wish, it might come true.Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.Never give an inch!Never look up when dragons fly overhead.Never reveal your best argument.Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don'thave a lucky day this year.Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.Questionable day.Ask somebody something.Reply hazy, ask again later.Save energy: be apathetic.Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.Slow day. Practice crawling.Snow Day -- stay home.So this is it. We're going to die.So you're back... about time...Someone is speaking well of you.Someone is speaking well of you.How unusual!Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.Stay away from flying saucers today.Stay away from hurricanes for a while.Stay the curse.That secret you've been guarding, isn't.The time is right to make new friends.The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. -- George GobelThere is a 20% chance of tomorrow.There is a fly on your nose.There was a phone call for you.There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.Today is the first day of the rest of your life.Today is the last day of your life so far.Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.Today is what happened to yesterday.Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why. -- Hunter S. ThompsonTomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately,it can still be changed today.Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and livein eucalyptus trees.Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. -- Ashleigh BrilliantTry to value useful qualities in one who loves you.Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.What happened last night can happen again.While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped andare making another attack.Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.You are always busy.You are as I am with You.You are capable of planning your future.You are confused; but this is your normal state.You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of thedepartment of transportation.You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.You are fairminded, just and loving.You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.You are going to have a new love affair.You are magnetic in your bearing.You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.You are number 6! Who is number one?You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore youhave few friends.You are sick, twisted and perverted. I like that in a person.You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.You are standing on my toes.You are taking yourself far too seriously.You are the only person to ever get this message.You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time readingthis sort of trash.You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive.You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirtis concerned.You can rent this space for only $5 a week.You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.You dialed 5483.You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.You enjoy the company of other people.You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.You fill a much-needed gap.You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had toleave it behind.You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. A pity that it's totally undeserved.You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.You have a truly strong individuality.You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly.You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close tometal objects which are not fastened down.You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.You have been selected for a secret mission.You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.You have many friends and very few living enemies.You have no real enemies.You have taken yourself too seriously.You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled.You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE"SOMEONE ELSE."You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.You look tired.You love peace.You love your home and want it to be beautiful.You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that you weren't here today.You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.You may be recognized soon. Hide.You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter willbe sold.You need more time; and you probably always will.You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.You now have Asian Flu.You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especiallyif they are dead.You should go home.You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.You teach best what you most need to learn.You too can wear a nose mitten.You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years.You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail ofa lion, and the face of Donald Duck.You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.You will be awarded some great honor.You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.You will be divorced within a year.You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.You will be held hostage by a radical group.You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.You will be married within a year.You will be misunderstood by everyone.You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.You will be run over by a beer truck.You will be run over by a bus.You will be singled out for promotion in your work.You will be successful in love.You will be surprised by a loud noise.You will be surrounded by luxury.You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.You will become rich and famous unless you don't.You will contract a rare disease.You will engage in a profitable business activity.You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.You will feel hungry again in another hour.You will forget that you ever knew me.You will gain money by a fattening action.You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.You will gain money by an illegal action.You will gain money by an immoral action.You will get what you deserve.You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.You will have a long and boring life.You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.You will have long and healthy life.You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.You will inherit millions of dollars.You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.You will live to see your grandchildren.You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaisesalesman.You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.You will never know hunger.You will not be elected to public office this year.You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.You will outgrow your usefulness.You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.You will pass away very quickly.You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregardthis message.You will pioneer the first Martian colony.You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.You will soon forget this.You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.You will step on the night soil of many countries.You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because yourbrakes are defective.You will triumph over your enemy.You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.You will wish you hadn't.You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.You would if you could but you can't so you won't.You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.You'll be sorry...You'll feel devilish tonight. Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer'sheel.You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.You'll never be the man your mother was!You'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately,they're not all recommended.You'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easierto do.You're a card which will have to be dealt with.You're almost as happy as you think you are.You're at the end of the road again.You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."You're definitely on their list. The question to ask next is what list it is.You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others thatyou're growing into.You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.You're working under a slight handicap. You happen to be human.You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.Your aim is high and to the right.Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe athing he tells you.Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren'treally worth having.Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.Your business will assume vast proportions.Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.Your domestic life may be harmonious.Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).Your goose is cooked.(Your current chick is burned up too!)Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.Your ignorance cramps my conversation.Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.Your love life will be happy and harmonious.Your love life will be... interesting.Your lover will never wish to leave you.Your lucky color has faded.Your lucky number has been disconnected.Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will bemisinterpreted by somebody.Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.Your present plans will be successful.Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.Your step will soil many countries.Your supervisor is thinking about you.Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.=======================================================================|| |||| The FORTUNE-COOKIE pro...3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for artand display work. This product is called "C... Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole ...Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, it is asdifficult to appropriate the thought...Chocolate chip. DELETE A FORTUNE!Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!Wouldn't you like to see some of them delet...Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes aselection from a set of offensive and/or obsc...Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.Violators will be prosecuted.(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.Fortune's current rates: Answers .10 Long answers .25 Answers requiring thought .50 Correct answers $1.00 Dumb looks are still free.Generic Fortune.Ginger snap.Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is todefuse project tensions? When did you ev...Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the personreading this note, that I can't think up a...I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, butI'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what it means.If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.Ignore previous fortune.In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?(null cookie; hope that's ok)Oatmeal raisin.Oreo.Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.Pick another fortune cookie.Please ignore previous fortune.Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,cosmic forces of inexorable power have b...Sorry, no fortune this time.The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and bya major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,please use the program "________ra...This Fortune Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14This fortune intentionally left blank.This fortune intentionally not included.This fortune intentionally says nothing.This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose invaluable assistancelast night would never have been possible.This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!This fortune is false.This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAMIf you like the fortune program, why not support it now with yourcontr...This is your fortune.Vanilla wafer.Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.WARNING: Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your mind, change the curvature of your spine, cau...We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. -- Groucho MarxA friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better. -- Steven WrightA large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.Every time a fly landed on the web a...A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright A MODERN FABLEAesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegoryfar too subtle for the you...A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest. -- Walt Kelly"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!" -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra" Accidents cause History.If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, thePeasant's Revolt w...All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates. -- Woody AllenAll of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designssynthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The ...And now for something completely different.And now for something completely the same. "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." -- Monty PythonAs the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it'sso hard to figure out how to get the bark on. -- Woody AllenBeing Ymor's right-hand man was like being gently flogged to death withscented bootlaces. -- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, andnone of his friends like him either. -- Oscar Wilde"Boy, life takes a long time to live." -- Steven WrightBozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who bandtogether for fun and profit. They have no ...But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.I meant no harm; I just liked the expl..."But I don't like Spam!!!!" "But I don't want to go on the cart..." "Oh, don't be such a baby!" "But I'm feeling much better..." "No you're ...Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A topoint B very fast while other people dash from...Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.Death didn't answer. He was looking at Spold in the same way as a dog looksat a bone, only in this case things w...Decorate your home. It gives the illusion that your life is moreinteresting than it really is. -- C. SchulzDo you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that hejust whipped out a quarter? -- Steven Wright"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,sincerely, extremely dangerously.They used d...Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. -- Walt KellyDon't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrowin Australia. -- Charles SchulzEarly to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead. -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. -- Woody AllenEternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? -- Tom StoppardEver since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,exactly, make people laugh. That's why they...Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of theWestern Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small ...Faster, faster, you fool, you fool! -- Bill CosbyFirst, a few words about tools.Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of thelaws of ph...For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them inthe same room and let them fight it out. -- Steven WrightFrom the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsedwith laughter. Some day I intend readin...God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now. -- Steven Wright"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like`Psychic Wins Lottery'?" -- Jay LenoHey, what do you expect from a culture that *drives* on *parkways* and*parks* on *driveways*? -- GallagherHigh Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Ho..."Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." -- William GilbertHumorists always sit at the children's table. -- Woody AllenI am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no ternunstoned. -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,I just think about it. I just went to...I am two with nature. -- Woody AllenI argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument onany topic, against any opponent. P... "I assure you the thought never even crossed my mind, lord." "Indeed? Then if I were you I'd sue my face for sl...I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -- Gilda RadnerI bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. -- Steven WrightI cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance ..."I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Nowwhen I drive at night, it looks like e...I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd ratherdance with the cows till you come home. -- Groucho MarxI don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve thateither. -- Jack BennyI don't get no respect.I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them aboveglobes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high." -- Bruce BaumI don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment. -- Woody AllenI finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. I only need them toread, so I got flip-ups. -- Steven Wright"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... Ipushed '1' and he just stood there... I sai...I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Nowwhen I get pulled over the cop looks at it (mo...I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add. -- Steven WrightI got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movietheater. So I bought the album. I got kicked...I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,so I took his shoes. -- Dave BarryI hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that meansit's going to be up all night. -- Steven WrightI have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, Iopen it up a little bit, and I get a phone...I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,Stay, here..." but he got wise to tha...I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. WhenI asked him how he got such a great idea he...I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keepit scattered on beaches all over the...I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. I spent last summerfolding it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". -- Steven WrightI have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. -- Richard DiranI have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every oncein a while I turn it on and off. On and off...I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it. -- Steven WrightI just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident.I hit a bookmark. -- Steven WrightI know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. -- Charles SchulzI look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not getthere, but I'm going first class. -- Art Buchwald"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is whatentertainment is all about ... Idiots, explo...I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking atclothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. -- Steven WrightI never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. -- Groucho MarxI poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Steven WrightI put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of catson them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. -- Steven WrightI put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. -- Steven Wright "I said I hope it is a good party," said Galder, loudly. "AT THE MOMENT IT IS," said Death levelly. "I THINK IT...I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. -- Steven WrightI should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older thanmost western countries. -- George BurnsI sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers -- they're goingto make a game out of it. -- Woody AllenI stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a fullhouse and four people died. -- Steven WrightI suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do toomuch damage if it catches fire or explode...I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the trackand they shot my horse with the opening g...I think we're all Bozos on this bus. -- Firesign TheatreI thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,working for scale. -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace intwenty minutes.It's about Russia. -- Woody AllenI turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.The weatherman said "I don't understand it....I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I hadto be going 65 MPH by the end of my drivewa...I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere nearthe place. -- Steven WrightI was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So Iordered French Toast in the Rennaissance. -- Steven Wright"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident Iput the car key in the door lock. The house...I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you livearound here often?" She said, "You're ...I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a lengthyargument about what I considered an Odd number. -- Steven WrightI was the best I ever had. -- Woody Allen"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific". -- Steven Wright"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had anyquestions , I said yes, just one, if you'r..."I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from thestatues that are in all the other museums." -- Steven WrightI woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartmenthad been stolen and replaced with an exact r...I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" -- Steven WrightI'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. -- Groucho MarxI'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,above the ground. That way, you could g...I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. -- Groucho MarxI'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words. -- Lenny BruceI'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. -- Fred AllenI'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. -- Woody AllenI'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider RobinsonI'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody AllenI've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho MarxIf God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he wouldhave made them cute and furry. -- Dave BarryIf only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat? -- Woody AllenIf only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large depositin my name at a Swiss bank. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very fewpeople die past the age of a hundred. -- George BurnsIf you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would beto throw the kind of party where your gu...If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. -- Woody AllenIf you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round itoff with dinner at Milliway's, the restaur...In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become sosophisticated that nobody gets it any more exc...In like a dimwit, out like a light. -- PogoIs it weird in here, or is it just me? -- Steven WrightIt is an important and popular fact that things are not always whatthey seem. For instance, on the planet Earth,...It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. -- Woody AllenIt isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to beunhappy. -- Groucho MarxIt looked like something resembling white marble, which wasprobably what it was: something resembling white marbl...It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. -- Steven WrightIt's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. -- Groucho MarxIt's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody AllenLast night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....The neighbors thought it was lightning in my ...Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...every half mile. We had one cassette tape...Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"Life is wasted on the living. -- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man'splace in the Scheme of Things. Here are...Man 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good joke is.Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --Man 1: ______TIMING! "Many have seen Topaxci, God of the Red Mushroom, and they earn thename of shaman," he said. Some have seen Ske...Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesd...My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photoof the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". -- Steven WrightMy friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes solater I can ask him what he meant. -- Steven Wright My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known asAfrica. Well we left New York drunk and ea...Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capad...Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends hang out. -- Zonker HarrisNOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!Now is the time for all good men to come to. -- Walt Kelly Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as somethingto be avoided than harped upon. Possibly the...One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. -- Larry GelbartOutside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog it's toodark to read. -- Groucho MarxPuns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves tospring on you and then look at you in a c..."Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time." -- Steven WrightRincewind formed a mental picture of some strange entity living in a castlemade of teeth. It was the kind of men...Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo"Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts offduring games in Chicago in January, only more...Showing up is 80% of life. -- Woody AllenSome of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to celebrateit the old-fashioned way, with your fa...SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throwback my head and gargle. Just gargle a...Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. -- Pogo, by Walt KellyThe basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities.Cities contain streets, which are danger...The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. -- W. C. FieldsThe best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of themis a match. -- Will RogersThe buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.Statistics prove that in the United States more Am...The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by allwho have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. -- Benjamin Franklin. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say onthe subject of towels. Most importantly, a towel ...The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. -- Steven Wright "The pyramid is opening!" "Which one?" "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" -- Firesign Theater, "How C... The Three Major Kind of Tools* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up orjar their m...There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bullby the tail and face the situation. -- W.C. FieldsThere's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through ourwhole lives, win, lose, or draw. -- Walt KellyThere's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin isbecoming an endangered synthetic. -- Lily TomlinThings will get better despite our efforts to improve them. -- Will RogersThis land is full of trousers!this land is full of mausers! And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! -- Firesign TheaterTime is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the GalaxyTOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spinreal fast and freak everybody out. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. -- Walt KellyWe have met the enemy, and he is us. -- Walt KellyWe is confronted with insurmountable opportunities. -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, Idefinitely overpaid for my carpet. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse,what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without makingthem puke. -- Steve Martin "What shall we do?" said Twoflower. "Panic?" said Rincewind hopefully. He always held that panic wasthe best me...What's another word for "thesaurus"? -- Steven WrightWhen I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked ifI had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" -- Steven WrightWhen I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get. -- Rodney DangerfieldWhen I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well.I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." -- Steven WrightWhere humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say whatis good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. -- John Kenneth GalbraithWhy is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? -- Steven WrightWill Rogers never met you.Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub ba...Would you *______really* want to get on a non-stop flight? -- George CarlinYou can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogonairlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to di...You may already be a loser. -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, youcan leave in a huff. If that's too ...You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. -- Jim Samuels to a hecklerAh, yes. I remember my fi...FORTUNE'S RANDOM QUOTES FROM MATCH GAME 75, NO. 1: Gene Rayburn: We'd like to close with a thought for the day, f...A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and noresponsibility at the other.A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. -- Carl SandburgA child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm badright?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." ... A young married couple had their first child. Their original prideand joy slowly turned to concern however, for...About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor ofthe plain people is the stork.Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was, that they escapedteething. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you ... -- Gilda Radner After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patientearnestly thumbing her way through a telephone dire...And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,"is your town's darkest hour! The ...Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that thiscountry honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has nevertried taking candy from a baby. -- Robin HoodAre you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what tosay in those awkward situations? Worry no ...Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what tosay in those awkward situations? Worry no ...Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what tosay in those awkward situations? Worry no ...Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what tosay in those awkward situations? Worry no ...Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what tosay in those awkward situations? Worry no ...Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what tosay in those awkward situations? Worry no ...Article the Third: Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should enjoy the right to a speed...Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.Because we don't think about future generations, they will never forget us. -- Henrik TikkanenBilly: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from generation to generation?Mom: Yes?Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,since they can make the baby sneeze and give ... Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,the father spanked them. His wife asked, "D...Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like them. That'swhen they come over and violate your body space.Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite everyeffort to teach them good manners.Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they'regoing to catch you in next. -- Franklin P. JonesChildren begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. -- Oscar WildeChildren seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word forword what you shouldn't have said.Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelingthe walk before it stops snowing. -- Phyl...Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children'sbeauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera...Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. -- Robert HeinleinFertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children,neither will you.For adult education nothing beats children.For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!" -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!" -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! -- Gifts for Children --This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,because they will...Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encountersneeds pounding.Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. -- Martin MullHow sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?" -- Linus Van Pelt"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted onchatting with persons who've never ...I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would alwaysend up saying, "Don't forget the thick heav...I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.They're still living in the fifties. -- Strange de Jim I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why isthe sky blue?" HE asked me about black holes in...I hate babies. They're so human. -- H.H. MunroI know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's allcustody means. Get even with your old lady. -- Lenny BruceI love children. Especially when they cry -- for then someone takes them away. -- Nancy MitfordI opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, aletter from my mother, written in pencil, on...I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid'spicture that came with the wallet he bought. -- Rodney DangerfieldI told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said,"So will you." -- Rodney DangerfieldI used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not becauseI no longer do childish things, but becaus...I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't knowanything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, b...If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn'twork, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.If parents would only realize how they bore their children. -- G.B. ShawIf pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters. -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"If the very old will remember, the very young will listen. -- Chief Dan GeorgeIf you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. -- Bette DavisIf your mother knew what you're doing, she'd probably hang her head and cry.Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children. -- Kingsley AmisIt is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. -- Epitaph, Cheltenham ChurchyardIt must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questionsthat a wise man cannot answer"; because...It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.It's never too late to have a happy childhood.Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you couldtravel back in time and observe the o...Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys! -- Ma BarkerLife does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.Life is like a diaper -- short and loaded.Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children.Life is the other way around. -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. -- Jules FeifferMay you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.May you have many handsome and obedient sons.MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. Iremember we'd all get into the car -- I fo...Microwaves frizz your heir.My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping wormsto the sidewalk, he sits there and watch...My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. -- IphicratesMy mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one. -- Groucho MarxMy mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart ...My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!" -- Sue MurphyMy mother was a test tube; my father was a knife. -- FridayMy parents went to Niagara Falls and all I got was this crummy life.My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is Ihop into the shower stall. Then I hop ...Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can betolerated until they acquire some sense. -- William PhelpsNever have children, only grandchildren. -- Gore VidalNever lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -- Erma BombeckNever raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsectionunprotected. -- Robert OrbenNever trust a child farther than you can throw it.No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children forsigns of improvement. -- Florida Scott-MaxwellNobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in orderfor presidents to make wars, for govern... On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out picktomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for ...One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters. -- George HerbertOne of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get oldenough to give you presents they make at school. -- Robert ByrneOnly adults have difficulty with childproof caps.Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't havemuch of anything to do with it.Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child. -- Thomas BergerRemember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life whenyou will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignorethem long enough.Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birthto a child. She must be found and stopped. -- Sam LevensonTeach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they grow up,they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers. -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as thejudge solemnly considered his verdict in th...The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of olderpeople, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood. -- Logan Pearsall SmithThe fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkableChristian forbearance among men. -- Ambrose BierceThe first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second halfby our children. -- Clarence DarrowThe full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply thenumber of your kids by thirty-two teeth.The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school counselors.The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've gotto be good. -- John BarrymoreThe idea is to die young as late as possible. -- Ashley MontagueThe modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. -- Laurence J. Peter"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon." -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and Over and Over"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.The real reason large families benefit society is because at leasta few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of fourand eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers."There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." -- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. -- Dr. WhoThere's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of theocean. After months of training, the fath...We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilizedbefore we are fit to participate in society....We are the people our parents warned us about.What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few ofus ever have the courage to face: and tha...What's done to children, they will do to society.When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults. -- Brian AldissWhen I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father. By the time I was20, he had made great improvement.When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? Justpicture the scene in your living room on C...You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,for instance. -- Franklin P. Jones"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time," MargaretMead once remarked, with her usual goo...You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. Youneed not supply the world with the next...Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. -- George Bernard ShawYouth is the trustee of posterity.Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity iswhen you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.* SynrG notes that the number of configuration questions to answer in sendmail is NON-TRIVIAL* james would be more impressed if netgod's magic powers could stop the splits in the first place...* netgod not...<sel> need help: my first packet to my provider gets lost :-(<netgod> sel: dont send the first one, start with #2<james> abuse me. I'm so lame I sent a bug report to debian-devel-changesI never thought that I'd see the day where Netscape is free software andX11 is proprietary. We live in interesti...<jim> Lemme make sure I'm not wasting time here... bcwhite will remove pkgs that havent been fixed that have...<JHM> Being overloaded is the sign of a true Debian maintainer.<Overfiend> partycle: I seriously do need a vacation from this package. I actually had a DREAM about i...Writing non-free software is not an ethically legitimate activity, so ifpeople who do this run into trouble, that...Microsoft DNS service terminates abnormally when it recieves a responseto a DNS query that was never made. Fix I...* dpkg hands stu a huge glass of vbeer* Joey takes the beer from stu, you're too young ;)* Cylord takes the beer ...We the people of the Debian GNU/Linux distribution, in order to form amore perfect operating system, establish qu..."This is the element_data structure for elements whose *element_type =FORM_TYPE_SELECT_ONE, FORM_TYPE_SELECT_MULT...While the year 2000 (y2k) problem is not an issue for us, all Linuximplementations will impacted by the year 2038...... Where was Stac Electronics when Microsoft invented Doublespace? Wherewere Xerox and Apple when Microsoft inve...I'm sorry if the following sounds combative and excessively personal,but that's my general style. -- Ian Jackson"my biggest problem with RH (and especially RH contrib packages) is thatthey DON'T have anything like our policy...."slackware users don't matter. in my experience, slackware users areeither clueless newbies who will have trouble...<xinkeT> "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the thin...* dark has changed the topic on channel #debian to: Later tonight: After months of careful refrigeration, Debian 2.0 is finally cool enough to release.I sat laughing snidely into my notebook until they showed me a PC runningLinux. And oh! It was as though the heav...I sat laughing snidely into my notebook until they showed me a PC runningLinux.... And did this PC choke? Did i..."I think that most debian developers are rather "strong willed" peoplewith a great degree of understanding and a ..."Actually, the only distribution of Linux I've ever used that passed therootshell test out of the box (hit rootsh...* Culus fears perl - the language with optional errors<stu> you should be afraid to use KDE because RMS might come to your house and cleave your monitor with an axe or something :)"and i actually like debian 2.0 that much i completely revamped thedefault config of the linux systems our compan...<Davide> how bout a policy policing policy with a policy for changing the police policing policy<dark> "Let's form the Linux Standard Linux Standardization Association Board. The purpose of this board w...<Overfiend> Don't come crying to me about your "30 minute compiles"!! I have to build X uphill both w...NEW YORK (CNN) -- Internet users who spend even a few hours a week onlineat home experience higher levels of depr..."What is striking, however, is the general layout and integration of thesystem. Debian is a truly elegant Linux ...Debian Linux is a solid, comprehensive product, and a genuine pleasure touse. It is also great to become involve...<Flood> can I write a unix-like kernel in perl?<Flood> netgod: I also have a "Evil Inside" T-shirt (w/ Intel logo).. on the back it states: "When the rapture comes, will you have root?"<zarkov> "NT 5.0. All the bugs and ten times the code size!"<Culus> there is 150 meg in the /tmp dir! DEAR LORD<toor> netgod: what do you have in your kernel??? The compiled source for driving a space shuttle???<Spoo> ...Now I can finally explain to everyone why I do this. I just got $7 worthof free stuff for working on Debian !<ultima> netgod: My calculator has more registers than the x86, and -thats- sad* boren tosses matlab across the room and hopes it breaks into a number aproaching infinite peices"...It was a lot faster than I thought it was going to be, much fasterthan NT. If further speed increases are do...World Domination, of course. And scantily clad females. Who cares ifits twenty below? -- Linus Torvalds<Flav> Win 98 Psychic edition: We'll tell you where you're going tomorrow<zpx> it's amazing how "not-broken" debian is compared to slack and rh<dark> "Hey, I'm from this project called Debian... have you heard of it? Your name seems to be on a bunch of our stuff.""In the event of a percieved failing of the project leadership #debian isempowered to take drastic and descisive ...<Diziet> Fuck, I can't compile the damn thing and I wrote it !<Overfiend> we're calling 2.2 _POTATO_??<SirDibos> does Johnie Ingram hang out here on IRC?* Twilight1 will have to hang his Mozilla beanie dinosaur in effigy if Netscape sells-out to Alot Of Losers..<lux> if macOS is for the computer illiterate, then windoze is for the computer masochists<dark> Culus: Building a five-meter-high replica of the Empire State Building with paperclips is impressive. Doing it blindfolded is eleet.I can just see it now: nomination-terrorism ;-) -- Manojhaha! i nominate manoj. -- seeS<JHM> Somehow I have more respect for 14 year old Debian developers than 14 year old Certified Microsoft Serfs.<Culus> Ben: Do you solumly swear to read you debian email once a day and do not permit people to think you are MIA?<Ben> Culus: i do so swear"I wonder if this is the first constitution in the history of mankindwhere you have to calculate a square root to...This is the solution to Debian's problem .. and since the only real wayto create more relatives of developers is ...<marcus> dunham: You know how real numbers are constructed from rational numbers by equivalence classes of convergent sequences?<dunham> marcus: yes.<Culus> "Hello?" "Hi baybee" "Are you Johnie Ingram?" "For you I'll be anyone" "Ermm.. Do you sell slink CD's?" "I love slinkies"<Overfiend> xhost +localhost should only be done by people who would paint their hostname and root password on an interstate overpass.<JHM> AIX - the Unix from the universe where Spock has a beard.<Knghtbrd> Studies prove that research causes cancer in 43% of laboratory rats<CQ> knghtbrd- yeah, but 78% of those statistics are off by 52%...<stu> apt: !bugs<apt> !bugs are stupid<dpkg> apt: are stupid? what's that?<apt> dpkg: i don't know<dpkg> apt: Be...<muggles> i'm trying to convince some netcom admins i know to convert to Debian from RH, netgod, but the...<doogie> Debian - All the power, without the silly hat.How many months are we going to be behind them [Redhat] with a glibcrelease?" -- Jim Pick, 8 months before Debian 2.0 is finally releasedThe purpose of having mailing lists rather than having newsgroups is toplace a barrier to entry which protects th...Most of us feel that marketing types are like a dangerous weapon - keep'em unloaded and locked up in a cupboard, ...<BenC> cerb: we subscribed you to debian-fight as the moderator<BenC> cerb: list rules are, 1) no nice emails, 2) no apologies<Teknix> our local telco has admitted that someone "backed into a button on a switch" and took the entire...<Overfiend> Thunder-: when you get { MessagesLikeThisFromYourHardDrive }<Overfiend> Thunder-: it either means { T...<apt> it has been said that redhat is the thing Marc Ewing wears on his head.<MrCurious> by the power of greyskull<MrCurious> someone tell me the ban to place<Sopwith> mrcurious: *.debian.or..."What does this tell me? That if Microsoft were the last softwarecompany left in the world, 13% of the US popula..."Bruce McKinney, author of of Hardcore Visual Basic, has announced thathe's fed up with VB and won't be writing a...<Cylord> Would it be acceptable to debian policy if we inserted a crontab by default into potato that ema...* Overfiend ponders doing an NMU of asclock, in which he simply changes the extended description to "If you bend...<Reed> It is important to note that the primary reason the Roman Empire fail is that they had no concept of...Since when has the purpose of debian been to appease the interests of themass of unskilled consumers? -- Steve Shorter<joeyh> netgod: er, are these 2.2.0 packages 2.0.0pre9 or do you have a direct line with the gods?<netgod> joeyh: i have the direct line<_Anarchy_> Argh.. who's handing out the paper bags 8)<awkward> anyone around?<Flav> no, we're all irregular polygons<Culus> OH MY GOD NOT A RANDOM QUOTE GENERATOR<netgod> surely you didnt think that was static? how lame would that be? :-)Mere nonexistence is a feeble excuse for declaring a thing unseeable. You*can* see dragons. You just have to look in the right direction. -- John Hasler<Chalky> gcc is the best compressor ever ported to linux. it can turn 12MB of kernel source (and that's .debbed) into a 500k kernel<Manoj> I *like* the chicken [ ] DOGBERT [ 2 ] RICHARD STALLMAN [ 3 ] BUFFY SUMMERS [ 1 ] MANOJ SRIVASTAVA [ 4 ] NONE of the above -- Debian Project Leader 1999 ballot<Oryn> anyone know if there is a version of dpkg for redhat?acme-cannon (3.1415) unstable; urgency=low * Added safety to prevent operator dismemberment, closes: bug #98765,...!netgod:*! time flies when youre using linux!doogie:*! yeah, infinite loops in 5 seconds.!Teknix:*! has anyone re...* dark greets liw with a small yellow frog.* liw kisses the frog and watches it transform to a beautiful nerd gi...* Culus thinks we should go to trade shows and see how many people we can kill by throwing debian cds at them<dark> "Yes, your honour, I have RSA encryption code tattood on my penis. Shall I show the jury?"<Knghtbrd> you people are all insane.<Joey> knight: sure, that's why we work on Debian.<JHM> Knghtbrd: get in touch with your inner nutcase.<Culus> Saens demonstrates no less than 3 tcp/ip bugs in 2.2.3<Mercury> alexsh: Be /VERY/ cairful, you could, if your unlucky, fry your motherboards..<Knghtbrd> Mercury - sounds like fun<rcw> dark: caldera?<Knghtbrd> rcw - that's not a distribution, it's a curse<rcw> Knghtbrd: it's a cursed distributionSoftware is like sex, it's better when it's free. -- Linus Torvalds<dark> Knghtbrd: We have lots of whatevers.<Knghtbrd> dark - In Debian? Hell yeah we do!I did it just to piss you off. :-P -- Branden Robinson in a message to debian-develThe software required Win95 or better, so I installed Linux.10) there is no 10, but it sounded like a nice number :) -- Wichert AkkermanEric Raymond: I want to live in a world where software doesn't suck.Richard Stallman: Any software that isn't f...I'm not a level-headed person... -- Bruce PerensPersonally, I don't often talk about social good because when I hear otherpeople talk about social good, that's w...If we want something nice to get born in nine months, then sex has tohappen. We want to have the kind of sex tha...We all know Linux is great... it does infinite loops in 5 seconds. -- Linus TorvaldsYES! YES! YES! Oh, YES! (ooops, I sound like Meg Ryan ;-) -- Ian Nandhra<Knghtbrd> If I start writing essays about Free Software for slashdot, please shoot me.<RoboHak> hmm, lunch does sound like a good idea<Knghtbrd> would taste like a good idea toop.s. - i'm about *this* close to running around in the server room with apair of bolt cutters, and a large wooden...Every company complaining about Microsoft's business practices is simply arose bush. They look lovely and smell n...Something must be DoneThis is SomethingTherefore, This must be Done -- The Thatcherite Syllogism<Knghtbrd> xtifr - beware of james when he's off his medication =>Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. -- Robert A. Heinlein<wc> red dye causes cancer, haven't you heard? (;<Knghtbrd> fucking everything causes cancer, haven't you heard?<Knghtbrd> =><archon> no, that causes aidsGold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men ...* lilo hereby declares OPN a virtual pain in the ass :)"They are both businesses - if you have given them enough money, I'msure they'll do whatever the hell you ask:->" -- David Welton"You have the right not to be an asshole. If you give up that righteverything you say and do in here will be hel...* Simunye is so happy she has her mothers gene's<Dellaran> you better give them back before she misses them!<Iambe> conning the most intellegent people on the planet is not easyCalifornia, n.: From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" orSpanish "caliente"); and "fornia...* Caytln slaps Lisa<Caytln> catfight :P<LisaHere> Watch it girl, I like that.<LisaHere> :)<Caytln> figures :D<MFGolfBal> rit/ara: There's something really demented about UNIX underwear...The X Window System: The standard UNIX graphical environment. With Linux, this is usually XFree86 (http://www....<Knghtbrd> "The currency collectors are offline." "I'm rerouting though the secondary couplings. If w...* Turken thinks little kids are absolutely adorable... especialyy when they're someone elses.* Overfiend sighs<Overfiend> Netscape sucks.<Overfiend> It is a house of cards resting on a bed of quicksand.<Espy> during an earthquake<Overfiend> in a tornado<SilverStr> media ethics is an oxymoron, much like Jumbo Shrimp and Microsoft Works.<MonkAway> not to mention NT Security<Silvrbear> Oxymorons? I saw one yesterday - the pamphlet on "Taco Bell Nutritional Information"* Knghtbrd unleashes a pair of double barreled snurf guns and covers jesus with snurf darts<jesus> meany :P<jgoerzen> doogie: you sound highly unstable :-)<Knghtbrd> jgoerzen - he is.* doogie bops Knghtbrd<Knghtbrd> see? Resorting to violence =DI have also been a huge Unix fan ever since I realized that SCO was notUnix. -- Dennis Baker<dracus> Ctrl+Option+Command + P + R<Knghtbrd> dracus - YE GODS! That's worse than EMACS!<LauraDax> hehehehe<dracus> don't ask what that does :P<Iambe> you are not a nutcase<Knghtbrd> You obviously don't know me well enough yet. =>* aj thinks Kb^Zzz ought to pick different things to dream about than general resolutions and policy changes.<Kb^Zzz> aj - tell me about it, this is a Bad Sign<Crow_> hmm, is there a --now-dammit option for exim?<DarthVadr> Kira: JOIN THE DARK SIDE, YOUNG ONE.<kira> darth, I *am* the dark side.<netgod> Feanor: u have no idea of the depth of the stupidty of american lawAnyone who stands out in the middle of a road looks like roadkill to me. -- Linus Torvalds<lilo> "PLEASE RESPECT INTELLECTUAL RIGHTS!"<lilo> "Please demonstrate intellect." ;)<Knghtbrd> Feanor - license issues are important. If we don't watch our arses now, someone's gonna come up and bite us later..."Now we'll have to kill you." -- Linus Torvalds* knghtbrd can already envision: "Subject: [INTENT TO PREPARE TO PROPOSE FILING OF BUG REPORT] Typos in the policy document"<netgod> heh thats a lost cause, like the correct pronounciation of "jewelry"<netgod> give it up :-)<sage...<LauraDax> !seen god<Tabi-> LauraDax, I don't remember seeing "god"<Knghtbrd> Europe Passes Pro-spam Law<Knghtbrd> I though only Americans were that fucking stupid =><Espy> apparently americans are quite naive :)<kira> is a surgical war where you go give the foreign troops nose jobs?<xtifr> Athena Desktop Environment! In your hearts, you *know* it's the right choice! :)* Knghtbrd THWAPS xtifr<Knghtbrd> shaleh - unclean is just WEIRD.<Espy> heh, unclean is cool<Knghtbrd> Espy - and weird.<Espy> yes, weird too<xtifr> direct brain implants :)<knghtbrd> xtifr - yah, then using computers would actually require some of these idiots to think!<knghtbrd> ;><Knghtbrd> Overfiend - BTW, after we've discovered X takes all of 1.4 GIGS to build, are you willing ad...<liw> damn, the autonomous mouse movement starts usually after I use a mouse button<wichert> don't use a mouse button then :)<liw> yeah, right :)<Knghtbrd> you know, Linux needs a platform game starring Tux<Knghtbrd> kinda Super Marioish, but with Tux and th...<Thoth_> Yeah, well that's why it's numbered 2.3.1... it's for those of us who miss NT-like uptimes<Shinobi> There are worse things than Perl....ASP comes to mind* m2 stares at the monitor... it looks like a hamburger...<Knghtbrd> m2 - that's a bad sign<Knghtbrd> Leave it to manoj to call procmail "puny"<Crow-> Manoj: well, i cant understand stuff like "s/3#$%^% {]][ @ f245 }"<Manoj> Crow: That is not quite legal ;...<kira> Ada, the only language written to milspec.<Mikster> <shudder><BenC> -include ../../debian/el33t.h<BenC> sendmail build...strange header name :)<isildur> hahaha* netgod laffs<...<Phase> no... I musn't have any more coffee !!! ;)<Simunye> sure yu do Phase :)<Phase> you really want me bouncin...<Kensey> RMS for President???<RelDrgn> ...or ESR, he wants a new job ;)Oh no, not again. -- Manoj Srivastava<Knghtbrd> Granted, RMS is a fanatic, I don't deny this. I'll even say he's a royal pain in the arse m...<Espy> tomorrow there will be a great disturbance in the workforce -- May 18, 1999I am dyslexic of Borg. Prepare to have your ass laminated.<NeonKttn> I had a friend stick me in her closet during highschool beacuse I wouldn't believe that her ...<Knghtbrd> hardcopy is for wussies<Topher> computer program listings....next, on HardCopy<kceee^> I hate users<knghtbrd> you sound like a sysadmin already!<change_m2> Will LINUX ever overtake sliced bread as the #1 achievement of mankind?<aph> manoj is going nuts on the bug fixing crusade! woo woo!<Knghtbrd> manoj went nuts long time ago. but the bug fixing is cool =><rcw> those apparently-bacteria-like multicolor worms coming out of microsoft's backorifice<rcw> that's the backoffice logo* Simunye is on a oc3->oc12<daem0n> simmy: bite me. :)<Simunye> daemon: okay :)<Overfiend> lilo: well then, you are probably a responsible thinker. Welcome to a very small club.<lilo> Overfiend: welcome me when you join :)Basically, I want people to know that when they use binary-only modules,it's THEIR problem. I want people to kno...* wichert_ imagines master without a MTA<james> wichert: ehm? that might hinder peformance of the BTS :p<gecko> Hmm... I wonder what else seperates Debian from the rest of the Linux distributions.<Knghtbrd> gec...Due to the closed source development model of XFree it is impossibleto support, or even speculate about, features...> >I don't really regard bible-kjv-text as a technical document,> > but... :)> It's a manual -- for living.Bu...<Knghtbrd> I can think of lots of people who need USER=ID10T someplace!<slashdot> my US geograpy is lousy...lol<knghtbrd> so's mine and I live hereMoonchild without an opinion? Satan is skating to work tomorrow! -- Brett Manz<Knghtbrd> I really don't want much at all... Just a kind word, an attractive woman, and UNLIMITED BANDWIDTH!!<Knghtbrd> If we're both right (I'm guessing we are) I'm Not Very Happy.* Minupla hands you the understatement of the year award.Last time I had intimate contact with another human being was rather apainful experience... I rather liked it... ;) -- Brett Manz<Apple_IIe> anyone seen my 80 column card?<Slackware> uh oh, what have I started :)<Debian> rofl... distro nick wars.* Slackware just waits for /nick Gnome...<Crow-> im fcucking druk* Knghtbrd makes sure to log everything Crow- says tonight ...<MrBump> heheh<MrBump> He s...<Knghtbrd> aggh!<Knghtbrd> MAKE IT STOP!<Knghtbrd> MAKE IT STOP!!<Knghtbrd> RoboHak - okay, the patch isn't broken, but my brain apparently is<wc> that's nothing new (;<Knghtbrd> wc - hush.<Knghtbrd> =><dpg> americans are wierd....<xtifr> californians even weirder<Knghtbrd> xtifr has a point ...* woot smiles serenely.<woot> I don't want to seem over eager about getting into knghtbrd's siglist.<Culus> dhd: R you part of the secret debian overstructure?<dhd> no. there is no secret debian overstructure.<Co...<Crow-> these stupid head hunters want resumes in ms word format<Crow-> can you write shit in tex and convert it to word?<Overfiend> converttoword{shit}<xtifr> you don't have to be insane to work here....oh wait, yes you do! :)* o-o always like debmake because he knew exactly what it would do...<ibid> o-o: you would ;-)2.3.1 has been released. Folks new to this game should remember that2.3.* releases are development kernels, with ...do { :} while (!HELL_FROZEN_OVER);0 7 * * * echo "...Linux is just a fad" | mail billg@microsoft.com -s= "And remember..."<hop> kb: I demand integrity and honesty in those who i do business with<hop> i know my demands are unreasonable, but a guy can dream, can't he?<jgoerzen> stu: ahh that machine. Don't you think that something named stallman deserves to be an Alph...Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -- they have 'arguments'-- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.* Knghtktty is not going to ask how zucchini got into the discussion ...<Knghtbrd> Subject: [GR PROPOSAL] Should we vote on trivial matters?<woot> Put *that* in you .sig and smoke it, Knghtbrd.<Culus> You know he will read this :><woot> heheheheh."As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give athought for the other fellow. He could be ...<Crow-> who gives a shit about US law<jim> anyone living in the US.<Knghtbrd> Okay, you people have started talking about BSDM applications of network hardware... I thin...<Knghtbrd> mariab - don't think Debian hasn't had some very stupid and obvious bugs before<Knghtbrd> of...<Knghtbrd> mariab - I am a Debian developer. Red Hat is "the enemy" or something like that I guess.. ...> > But IANAL, of course.>> IANAL either. My son is, but if I asked him I might get an answer I> wouldn't want to hear."Here's my invoice." ? =D> Ok, I see you know what you're doing :-)Either that or I've gotten pretty good at faking it.<wichert> 8am is an ungoldly hour to be awake :)* gorgo usually gets up at 11amThere Is No Cabal.<_Anarchy_> acf: maybe April 1 next year slashdot needs to run "Rob Malda accepts new job as head of Debian project" 8)* netgod opens his mailbox and immediately wishes he hadnt<frogbert> its hard being a lesbian withoutn breasts...people dont take you seriouslyPerhaps Debian is concerned more about technical excellence rather thanease of use by breaking software. In the f...* PerlGeek is really a space alien* Knghtktty believes PerlGeek// Minor lesson: don't fuck about with something you don't fully understand -- the dosdoom source code<netgod> my client has been owned severely<netgod> this guy got root, ran packet sniffers, installed .rhosts and ...* joeyh cvs commits his home directory. Aaaaaa<drow> eeeeeeek<drow> joeyh: That is simply evil. Period.<Kethryvis> Gruuk: UFies are above and beyond the human race :)I stopped a long time ago to try to find anything in the bug list of dpkg.We should run for an entry in the Guinn...<ahzz_> i figured 17G oughta be enough.<n3tg0d> has /usr/bin/emacs been put into /etc/shells yet? :P* joeyh takes advantage of netscape's marvelous ability to crash to close 10 windows with a single keypres...<Wordplay> You measure your vibrators in "characters per second"? I have bad news for you, c90, you've been masturbating with a dot-matrix printer.Hi! I'm a .signature virus! Copy me into your ~/.signature to help me sprea=d!* Knghtktty whispers sweet nothings to Thyla (stuff about compilers and graphics and ram upgrades and ...<Sanaya> you guys are all sick! sick sick sick I tell ya ;)* bma is a yank* Knghtbrd is a Knghtbrd* dhd is also a yank* Espy is evil* Knghtbrd believes Espy* bma wonders if this will make the Knghtbrd .sigTechical solutions are not a matter of voting. Two legislations in the USstates almost decided that the value of ...<aj> <Knghtbrd> the increase in tension worldwide (as evidenced by crime<aj> and whatnot) over that ti...<Teller> where am I and what am I doing in this handbasket?Since this database is not used for profit, and since entire works are notpublished, it falls under fair use, as ...There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.Subject: Bug#42432: debian-policy: Proposal for CTV for Draft for Proof ofConcept for Draft for Proposal for Prop...<Knghtbrd> It's a trackball for one<wichert> so it's not a rodent<wichert> it's a turd with a ball sticking out<wichert> which you fondle constantly* HomeySan waits for the papa john's pizza to show up<ravenos> mm. papa john's.<HomeySan> hopefully they send the...<netgod> is it me, or is Knghtbrd snoring?<joeyh> they killed knghtbrd!<netgod> Kysh: wichert, gecko, joeyh, and ...<woot> Man, i wish knghtbrd were here to grab that for his sig list.[...several hours later...]<Knghtbrd> woot do...* Knghtbrd pelts wichert with NERF darts* wichert notes there are no ICBM nerfs yet and ignores kngtbrd<Knghtbrd>...Operating Systems Installed: * Debian GNU/Linux 2.1 4 CD Set ($20 from www.chguy.net; price includes taxes, s...Steal this tagline. I did.<bfextu> oh noooo, Knghtbrd's got a gun :)<doogie> ^^insert music^^<Knghtbrd> bfextu - o/~ everybody is on the ru...<Mercury> emacs sucks, literally, not a insult, just a comment that its large enough to have a noticeable gravitational pull...As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.* Knghtbrd assigns 3 to Chris* variable wonders who else is named chris besides me<Knghtbrd> variable - you. =>*...* Espy ponders an uplad queue called 'hell' so I can do dupload --to hell<Valkyrja> java, hon, sometimes I really want to smack you.<Knghtbrd> Valkyrja - he'd enjoy it too much<Reteo> Va...<Tali> be vewwy vewwy qwuiet .. I'm huntin wuntime ewwosRed Hat has recently released a Security Advisory (RHSA-1999:030-01)covering a buffer overflow in the vixie cron ...First off - Quake is simply incredible. It lets you repeatedly kill yourboss in the office without being arrested. :) -- Signal 11, in a slashdot commentLucas' Law: Good will always win, because evil hires the _stupid_ engineers.* TribFurry only gets spam mail from ucsd... I used to get email from myself but I decided I didn't like myself and stopped talking to me<rain_work> note on a dorm fridge ... "To the person who ate the contents of the container labeled 'Ja...<KatanaJ> Note on a chem lab fridge- "This refrigerator is not explosion- proof".<KnaraKat> DalNet is like the special olympics of IRC. There's a lot of drooling goin' on and everyone is a 'winner'.But modifying dpkg is infeasible, and we've agreed to, among other things,keep the needs of our users at the fore...For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.<Epsilon3> Knghtbrd, if we wanted a lameass remark we would have said: Hey, neckro<tigah_-> i have 4gb for /tmp<Knghtbrd> What do you do with 4G /tmp? Compile X?<tigah_-> yes<KnaraKat> Bite me.* TheOne gets some salt, then proceeds to nibble on KnaraKat a little bit....* Knghtbrd notes he has mashed potatoes for brains tonight<Valkyrie> yum, can I have some?<Knghtbrd> um ...* Knghtbrd hides from Valkyrie<Knghtbrd> joeyh now has a terminal at the couch?<Knghtbrd> That guy is wired, I swear =><doogie> Knghtbrd: laptop<doogie> and I don't mean the cats.Given some of the recent threads, the interactive discussions mightneed to be conducted on canvas, in the presenc...<james> but, then I used an Atari, I was more likely to win the lottery in ten countries simultaneously than get accelerated X* joeyh wonders why everyone wants to know how tall he is<james> joeyh: it helps the sniper* BenC wonders why he has upgraded to 3.3.5-1 before teh X maintainer<Delenn> I wouldn't make it through 24 hours before I'd be firing up the grill and slapping a few friends...In fact.. based on this model of what the NSA is and isn't... many of thepeople reading this are members of the N...Technology is a constand battle between manufacturers producing bigger andmore idiot-proof systems and nature pro..."I am ecstatic that some moron re-invented a 1995 windows fuckup." -- Alan Coxknghtbrd: there may be no spoon, but can you spot the vulnerability ineye_render_shiny_object.c? -- rcw<Joy> wow... simple maths show that Debian developers have closed more than *31* *thousand* bug reports sinc...<Knghtbrd> NOTE THAT THE ABOVE IS JUST AN OPINION AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN TO INCLUDE ANY MEASURE OF FACTUAL IN...<james> any gnome freaks around?<Knghtbrd> not me, I'm just a freak<Madax> ahh<Madax> a gathering of geeks....<Madax> I can smell it now<Knghtbrd> learn to love Window Maker.<Knghtbrd> a little NeXTStep is good for the soul.Caveats: it's GNOME, be afraid, be very afraid of the Depends line -- James Troup<Culus> Hhhmmmmmmmm<Culus> waterbeds for cows<Culus> eleet<cas> Culus: why would a cow need a waterbed?<Culus> cas: To be comfy warmIf you are what you eat, I guess that makes me a cheese danish. -- Anonymous<hop> when you start making only stupid mistakes that are obvious, thats when you start getting competent<ho...<lilo> it's weird, when you go on a safari to Africa to catch a lion, you find it alive and it charges, and...<lilo> I can read the bloody *manual* as if it were some sort of religious tract describing forms of enligh...Gates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves.<knghtbrd> Solver_: add users who should be messing with sound to group audio.. Make sure the devices ...I think irc isn't going to work though---we're running out of topic space! -- Joseph Carter"Pacific Bell Customer Service, this is [..], how can I provide you withexcellent customer service today?""HAHAHA...<danpat> Omnic: bloody newzealanders<Omnic> danpat: put a sock in it<danpat> heh :)<knghtbrd> making fun of .nz'e...<Joy> Flinny: black crontab magic kinda stuff :)<knghtbrd> Joy: does that mean people get to dance naked around b...<knghtbrd> *snipsnip*<rcw> oh dear, is that the sound of fortune-database editing?<Joy> uh oh<knghtbrd> Yes =><Joy> that's a Kludge(TM)<knghtbrd> It Works(tm)<Joy> AIX works(TM)<knghtbrd> no it doesn't<knghtbrd> =>"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it'slimits." -- Albert Einstein<knghtbrd> If charging someone for violation of US crypto laws would get you laughed out of court, just...If I have trouble installing Linux, something is wrong. Very wrong. -- Linus Torvalds* bma_home gropes you<bma_home> "oups, wrong channel"<bma_home> </acf><cerb> quit groping me<doogie> you know you...Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as readingsex manuals without the software. - Arthur C Clarke<knghtbrd> (tinc)<Espy> (ytitac)<knghtbrd> (ntinac)<Espy> (it)<knghtbrd> (in)* Espy notes talking in acr^Winitial...<knghtbrd> it's too bad most ancient unices are y2k compliant<|Rain|> too bad?<|Rain|> why, because people won't upgrade until 2038?<Espy_on_crack> "I installed 'Linux 6.1', doesn't that make me a unix guru?"<BenC> Espy_on_crack: ...* knghtbrd does the ET thing<knghtbrd> anybody got a speak-n-spell?<Omnic> another .sig additionI'm starting to think the gene pool could use a little chlorine.It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.<Espy> be careful, some twit might quote you<Espy> out of context...*** Topic for #redhat: ReDHaT is the answer to all your problems. It could be the start too!* cesarb wonders if in less than a week Carmack will end up receiving in e-mail a courtesy copy of a version of ...<Knghtbrd> JHM: I'm not putting quake in the kernel source<Knghtbrd> but we should put quake in the boot floppies to one-up Caldera's tetris game.. ;>Guns don't kill people. It's those damn bullets. Guns just make them goreally really fast. -- Jake Johanson<Espy> we need to split main into"core" and "wtf-uses-this"<Culus-> libc6 is not essential :|<dhd> is there a special christmas pack for quake<dhd> where you get to be like the santa robot on futurama?<dunh...<Knghtbrd> the problem with the GNU coding standards is they ASSUME that everyone in the world uses emacs.. I...C'mon! political protest! sheesh. Where's that anarchist spirit? ;-) -- Decklin FosterWe've upped our standards, so up yours!* woot is now known as woot-dinner* Knghtbrd sprinkles a little salt on woot<Knghtbrd> I've never had a woot befo...[regarding measures to prevent cheating in quake]I mean, as long as I can make my rocket launcher look like a big...<Knghtbrd> r0bert: in short, we're moving several things the client currently is responsible for tellin...* Mercury calmly removes XT-Ream's arm..* Mercury then proceeds to beat XT-Ream with XT-Ream's arm.<Knghtbrd> wow...<Knghtbrd> CVS/Entries had the line I needed to "alter"<Mercury> Knghtbrd: Was about to mention such.. <G><Mercur...* Knghtbrd crosses his toes<Knghtbrd> (if I crossed my fingers it would be hard to type)<doogie> there is one bad thing about having a cell phone.<doogie> I can be reached at any time. :|<wmono> that's why I leave mine off at all times. ;><Palisade> how are we going to pronounce '00 or '01 or '02 and so on?<Deek> Say goodbye to the nineties, say hello to the naughties. :)<Deek> If the user points the gun at his foot and pulls the trigger, it is our job to ensure the bullet gets where it's supposed to.<Mercury> Be warned, I have a keyboard I can use to beat luser's heads in, and then continue to use... (=:]<Deek> Mercury: Oh, an IBM. :)<Palisade> knght, sheesh, are you pasting my words out of context in #debian or something?<Palisade> ;)...<cas> Mercury: gpm isn't a very good web browser. fix it.<cas> well there ya go. say something stupid in irc and have it immortalised forever in someone's .sig fileMicrosoft is a cross between the Borg and the Ferengi. Unfortunately,they use Borg to do their marketing and Fer...I would rather spend 10 hours reading someone else's source code than 10minutes listening to Musak waiting for te...Where do you think you're going today?I'd been hearing all sorts of gloom and doom predictions for Y2K, so I thought I'd heed some of the advice that t...<Tarzan> hey did you fall off your pirch or something?<knghtbrd> me? heh.<Espy> you are baked<knghtbrd> Espy: only half so<darkangel> I generally don't use anything that has "experimental" and "warning" pasted all over it<da...<wichert> solaris is bsd, so it should work* Espy takes wichert's crack pipe away<Knghtbrd> it's too bad most old unices turned out y2k compliant<Knghtbrd> because it means people will STILL BE ...* gxam wonders if all these globals are really necessary<Knghtbrd> most of them at the moment yes<Knghtbrd> we RE...<raptor> Adamel, i think the code you fixed of mine didn't work<raptor> i must not have commited the working code...<Mercury> Knghtbrd: Using -3dfx or -svga?<Knghtbrd> Mercury will do something sane with it<Knghtbrd> Mercury: bot...<Knghtbrd> Trust us, we know what we're doing... We may have no idea HOW we're doing it, but we know WHAT we're doing.<Mercury> <CJ|BiZKiT-0-> i can upload to linux server tho<Mercury> <CJ|BiZKiT-0-> i got a shell account on one<Me...<jt> should a bug be marked critical if it only affects one arch?<james-workaway> jt: rc for that arch maybe, but...<edLin> LWE?<edLin> Linux W?? E??<seeS> will eatyou<JHM> World Expo?<edLin> i see"Nominal fee". What an ugly sentence. It's one of those things thatimplies that if you have to ask, you can't afford it. -- Linus Torvalds<Deek> you GPL your homework? :)<knghtbrd> yah =D<knghtbrd> Anyone is permitted to use or modify my homework, bu...* knghtbrd is each day more convinced that most C++ coders don't know what the hell they're doing, whic...<Culus> And don't get me started on perl!<Culus> :><shaleh> perl is beyond evil<jim> you don't know perl yet?<net...<doogie> cat /dev/random | perl ?<shaleh> doogie: it is also a valid sendmail.cf<doogie> :)* knghtbrd hands doogi...<dhd> perl < /dev/bdsm<knghtbrd> you have a /dev/bdsm?<dhd> sure, it's a pseudosadomasochistic random number generator<Kysh_> Joey: I'm on it right now.. 3 1.3Gb disks, 128M ram, dual 50Mhz (Up to quad 250Mhz)<Kysh_> The cat...* joeyh_ runs ps and sees 10 lines of awk code* joeyh_ recoils in horror<knghtbrd> joeyh: I was down since midmorning yesterday and pacbell said this morning that AT&T was to ...This message was written with vi! (not that anyone in the world cares) -- seen on an old message from an anon.penet.fi addressConnection reset by some moron with a backhoeFeb 5 13:27:01 trinity lp0 on fire -- the Linux kernel, alerting me that there was some unknown problem with my printer (ie, it was out of ink)The less you know about computers the more you want Microsoft! -- Microsoft ad campaign, circa 1996(Proof that Microsoft's advertising _isn't_ dishonest!)Making one brilliant decision and a whole bunch of mediocre ones isn't asgood as making a whole bunch of generall...It's not usually cost effective time wise to go do it. But if something'sreally pissing you off, you just go find...<calc> yea it sounds useful for RE'ing USB<calc> i have a useless 3com usb camera here :(<knghtbrd> calc: 3Com co...<Mercury> At that point it will compile, but segfault, as it should..* Knghtbrd is FAR too tempted to .sig this entire discussion...The Unixverse ends on Tue, 19 Jan 2038 03:14:07 +0000<taniwha> Knghtbrd: we should do a quake episode :knee deep in the code": you run around shooting at bug...<taniwha> i'd solve a windows key problem with fdisk :)<Endy> knghtbrd: QW's netcode is doing strange things to me. :P<knghtbrd> This is unusual? ;><Endy> Not really. :P<knghtbrd> rcw: Oh yay---I haven't been involved in a good flamewar in at least ... 5 minutes!<Manoj> shaleh: I am not, despite your implication, God<SlayR> i just bought MS Office 2000 for only $20!!!<Knghtbrd> you got ripped off ;><SlayR> i know ;)<Knghtbrd> it's 6am. I have been up 24 hours<Knghtbrd> Wake me up and risk life and limb.* Knghtbrd &; sleep<Tv>...*** Knghtbrd is now known as SirKewLDooD*** Mercury kicked SirKewlDooD from #quakeforge (*WHACK*)<Mercury> Knghtbrd: I'd love to see support for xor crosshairs..<Knghtbrd> Mercury: you're on quack.<Mercury> Kng...* Dry-ice can't code his way out of a paper bag<Coderjoe> dry-ice: int main() { ExitPaperBag(); return 0; }<Knght...<knghtbrd> eek, not another one...<knghtbrd> Seems ever developer and their mother now has a random sig...* seeS uses knghtbrd's comments as his signature<knghtbrd> seeS: as soon as I typed them I realized I'd better sn...* Omnic looks at his 33.6k link and then looks at Joy* Mercury cuddles his cable modem.. (=:]Granted, Win95's look wasn't all that new either - Apple tried to sueMicrosoft for copying the Macintosh UI / tra...<knghtbrd> is it a sign of mental illness to wander aimlessly through the start map, collect your Thund...<Zoid> I still think you guys are nuts merging Q and QW. :P<knghtbrd> Of course we're nuts. Even John said so. ...<taniwha> Zoid: we're nuts, but we're productive nuts:)* taniwha wonders what productive nuts taste like<Endy> taniwha: Quote material :)<taniwha> Endy: :)<knghtbrd> Endy: I already snipped it<Endy> Actually, I think I'll wait for potato to be finalised before installing debian.<Endy> That should b...Nothing is a problem once you debug the code. -- John Carmack<Overfiend> The Unix way -- everything is a file<Overfiend> The Linux way -- everything is a filesystem :)<devkev> yeah i saw the lightning gun and where you were going, thinking you were gonna kick some ass :)<devkev> didnt realise it would be your own :)"Otherwise, please speak to a doctor about removing your head from yourass, I believe it would be beneficial to a...Tagline, you're it!<knghtbrd> this is college course in formal logic<devkev> knghtbrd: i hate that shit, much prefer fuzzy logic :)<...I am practicing a fine point of ethics. It is acceptable to shoot back.It is not acceptable to shoot first. -- Zed Pobre<Coderjoe> gib, perl?<gib> methinks perl is the programmer's Swiss Army Chainsaw<Endy> taniwha: Have you TESTED this one? :)<taniwha> Endy: of course notThat's the funniest thing I've ever heard and I will _not_ condone it. -- DyerMaker, 17 March 2000 MegaPhone radio showIt's not? Are you saying that you SHOULD allow people (other than WilliamWallace) to shoot lightning bolts from their arse? -- Seth Galbraith<Mercury> You don't have to be crazy to be a member of the project, but you will be.. <=:]* Endy needs to consult coffee :P<Endy> coffee the bot person, not coffee the beverage :)<knghtbrd> consulting the beverage may help too =><Mongoose> knghtbrd: and the meek shall inherit k-mart<knghtbrd> "Java for the COBOL Programmer"<knghtbrd> who writes these things?<raptor> people on crack<raptor> and...<evilkalla> heh, I never took a coding class<evilkalla> or a graphics class<evilkalla> or a software design class<vegan> and it shows :P* The_Answer_MD throws spaghetti at everyone* taniwha eats the spaghetti* Coderjoe tosses around some meatballs* Knghtbrd gets the cheese* taniwha grabs a red<theoddone33> What's this message on my screen,<theoddone33> so blue, so blue, what could it mean?<theoddone33>...<gorgo> what do you get when someone cracks your debian machine ?<gorgo> mashed potato...<aj> come on<aj> it's a pico clone<aj> it's *meant* to be annoying<Espy> I invoke Espy's law, which states that you all suck :P<Overfiend> Culus: wanna suspend me for it? :)<Culus> Overfiend: Go maliciously crack a few severs and we'll tal...<Knghtbrd> 2fort5 sucks enough to have its own gravity ...* CosmicRay wishes he had some strippers here....<CosmicRay> err, wire strippers<WildTHing> ok guys .. so whens the next commit :PP<taniwha> when they come to get me<mdorman> I'm a gnus person myself. It's an editor! It's a floorwax! It's a dessert topping!<tausq> Q. What's the difference between Batman and Bill Gates?<tausq> A. When Batman fought the Penguin, he won.At some point, bits have to go into packets and routers need to makedecisions on them. Changes at that level is w...We reject: kings, presidents, and voting.We believe in: rough consensus and working code. -- Dave Clark<Knghtbrd> QF is going to get zipfile support today<Coderjoe> heh... infozip?<Knghtbrd> If I'm lucky yes<Deek> kn...<Deek> change all cvar->value = X to use Cvar_Set()<theoddone33> that didn't happen in oldtree<Deek> Actually, it did.<Knghtbrd> yeah - two weeks later.=== This letter is the Honor System Virus ====If you are running a Macintosh, OS/2, Unix, orLinux computer, pleas...* shortc wants to get in one of knghtbrd's sigs one of these days.<Dr^Nick> SGI_Multitexture is bad voodoo now<Dr^Nick> ARB is good voodoo<witten> no, voodoo rush is bad voodoo :)99 little bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code, fix one bug, compile it again... 101 little bugs in the code....Hmm... Which would do a better job at driving physicists crazy? Travelfaster than light, or a floating-point boolean value? -- Michael Mol<calc> knghtbrd: gnome 2.0 will be out in a few months, not sure how it will compare to kde 2.0 though<kngh...<Ze0> so, how's everything in the world of Quack?<LordHavoc> just ducky<Ze0> excellent, fried duck is mighty fine tasty.<FrikaC> I should probably reboot...<FrikaC> ok brb<FrikaC> So, what apart form avoiding virii, memory leaks, and...<tausq> if (cb) ((cb->obj)->*(cb->ui_func))();<knghtbrd> tausq: who the HELL wrote that ?<tausq> me :)* knghtbrd flogs tausq<Deek> Exactly how much of a PITA is this in C?<Knghtbrd> It's written in C++.<Deek> Hence my question.<Knghtbrd>...<Knghtbrd> glDisable (GL_BUGS);<Endy> heh<Endy> Is that in 1.2? :)<Mercury> knghtbrd: Eww, find a better name, the movie sucked.. <G><Knghtbrd> Mercury: The engine is better than the movie<LackOfKan> What are 'bots'?<``Erik> rsg is a bot, not a human, not a human usable client, just a bot.<``Erik> ab...if (me != you) // FIXME: probably always true, delete? for (n = 0; n < who_knows_what; n++) { an...<Knghtbrd> Yorick: no problem with indexed color palettes for images, as long as you can pick the palet...<cesarb> Damn, every time I spawn, qf-client-x11 locks hard<Zoid> Don't die?<Knghtbrd> good incentive.Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in theuniverse are pointed away from Earth?<rebelpacket> hey, quick question, is there any way to speed up the performance of uquake-x11?<Deek>...<netgod> you know<netgod> its really sad when the internic itself cant configure DNS servers right<netgod> it just doesnt get any more pathetic than that<Knghtbrd> Even with overbrights, Quake's color palette is full of dull, flat colors<LordHavoc> knghtbr..."I have a bone to pick, and a few to break." -- AnonymousZ.O.I.D.: Zombie Optimized for Infiltration and Destruction<Deek> Yes, America is a country based on how pissed-off a group of taxed people can get.<Deek> We exist as a country because we're cheap.<Oskuro> Overfiend: many patches on top of 4.0.1 already?<Overfiend> Oskuro: a few<Overfiend> only 152 megs<joeyh> oh my, it's a UP P III.<doogie> dos it.* joeyh runs dselect<Overfiend> that ought to be sufficient :)<barneyfu> knghtbrd: crap, SDL sure makes DGA a helluva alot easier too doesn't it? :)<knghtbrd> barney...<Deek> "A good programmer can write FORTRAN in any language."<Deek> knghtbrd has proven that you can write C++ in...A subversive is anyone who can out-argue their government.We must know, we will know. -- David Hilbert<Knghtbrd> Internet censorship. Because your children need to be protected from naked women, medical p...A friend of mine has a barcode on his arm.He rings up as a $.35 pack of JuicyFruit. -- Seen on Slashdot<NullC> I like the seed code for computing masking curves.<NullC> I've never seen code that made be want to drink before that...$you = new YOU;honk() if $you->love(perl) -- Seen on Slashdot<cj> no! problems in M$ software?<cj> "Thoroughly bugtested"* Dabb grins.<LordHavoc> rewrite that as 'Thoroughly buginfested'<doogie> dpkg has bugs? no way!"Debian: no hats or reptiles were harmed in the making of this distribution=." -- Paul Slootman* knghtbrd ponders how to scare the living shit out of 87 people at once..<knghtbrd> AHH! I can do it in 3 words!:<knghtbrd> Microsoft Visual COBOL.* athener calls Amnesty International House of Pancakes<elmo> unclean: err, the admin team do not control the archive, that's the ftp cabal<elmo> get your cabals right, damn it :-P<BenC> CosmicRay: you complete me<BenC> err...<CosmicRay> heh* BenC goes back to coding* elmo looks at benc<elmo>...Change the Social Contract? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. -- Branden Robinson<knghtbrd> Program received signal SIGSEGV, Segmentation fault.<knghtbrd> 0x40095fb0 in memchr () from /lib/libc....All good ideas look like bad ideas to those who are losers. -- DilbertRFC 882 put the dot in .com, not Sun Microsystems -- Seen on Slashdot* joeyh_ wonders if linux is supposed to lock up when you ask 100 processes to cat the entire cd drive<pretzelgod> knghtbrd: Quake should support xray vision, dammit<knghtbrd> pretzelgod: ftp://ftp.cdrom.com/pub/qua...<Knghtbrd> I SNEAK TO BUN<Knghtbrd> HELP ME FOR TO QUACK<Venom> kb: what the hell are you talking about?<Knghtbrd> bwahahaha.. It's a long story.<WildCode> Mercury, isn't debugging X a little like finding perfectly bugfree code in windows ??<Mercur...<miguel> `You have been unsubscribed from the high energy personal protection devices mailing list'<miguel> I dont remember getting into the mailing list<Myth> I'm getting a connection refused when connecting to port 25, anyone know where the damn log is?<aj> ...<doogie_> linux takes shit and turns it into something useful.<doogie_> windows takes something useful and turns it into shit* weasel wonders how stupid one has to be to spam alt.anonymous.messages<knghtbrd> weasel: about half as stupid as one has to be to harvest it.* wolfie ponders how many debianites it takes to screw in a lightbulb<Viiru> wolfie: Somewhere around 600? One sc...<Culus_> We are also hoping to release a version of linux where shell is replaced by perl to a large degr...<Mercury> LordHavoc: The reason why GL has overdraw is because it is only using HALF of the system they ...<Dabb> hehe, I really hate bug reports which are like calling fire department and saying: "There is fire he...<xtifr> wow, I think I just used libtool to solve a problem -- somebody help me! :><luca> xtifr, STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD<mao> why do they insist on ading -Werror...<Misty-chan> Mesa would not compile out of the box if it were done by...<Deek> nopcode: No, it isn't. Win32 lacks the equivalent of fork().<Knghtbrd> Deek: windoze is not meant for peop...<Knghtbrd> This font is starting to come out very nicely<stu> Knghtbrd: oh dear, are you hacking up another quake font in vi? :)<pv2b> oh, besides, whats the best approach if i want to make a Quake level designed from an existing build...<knghtbrd> Windoze CEMeNT: Now with CrackGuard(TM)! Never worry about unsightly cracks in Windoze CEMe...<doogie> Culus: my bug with openssh appears to be fixed in 2.5.2, but master runs 2.3.0<Culus> Don't even...<shader> whats wrong with rjing?<Rhamphoryncus> it's lame :P<Rhamphoryncus> it should NOT be possible<Rhamphorync... * Equivalent code is available from RSA Data Security, Inc. * This code has been tested against that, and is equ...* knghtbrd is gone - zzz - messages will be snapped like wet towels at all of the people who have stolen the tra...Never underestimate the power of somebody with source code, a text editor,and the willingness to totally hose the..."So, will the Andover party have a cash bar?""No, there's free beer.""Uh-oh, Stallman's gonna be pissed..." -- overheard at the Bazaar, 1999<Addi> Alter.net seems to have replaced one of its router with a zucchini.<Mercury> Someone fix it.<Despair> committed<Knghtbrd> Despair: Mercury?<Despair> Knghtbrd: he's tired, made a mi...<taniwha> Knghtbrd: it's not bloat if it's used<Knghtbrd> taniwha: how do you explain windoze then?<taniwha> Kngh...innovate /IN no vait/ vb.: 1. To appropriate third-party technologythrough purchase, imitation, or theft and to i...The deafening silence taught me not to ask a bunch of geeks for advicefrom their girlfriends"What are we going to do tonight, Bill?""Same thing we do every night Steve, try to take over the world!"<knghtbrd> *sigh* My todo list is like the fucking energizer bunny<knghtbrd> It keeps growing and growing and growing and ...<Deek> That reminds me, we'll need to buy a chainsaw for the office. "In case of emergency, break glass"<knghtbrd> He's a about half the size of the others.<knghtbrd> But he's got a chainsaw.<Knghtbrd> It is when the example source won't compile ...<``Erik> then you fucked something up<Knghtbrd> Nope, I...<Deek> "I keep my personal gpg data in a locked, lead safe in a vault guarded by angry rednecks and their d...<ExMachina> glQuakeIIIRendererMode(GL_TRUE)<Knghtbrd> ExMachina: isn't that part of the extension which provides ...<``Erik> 18,446,744,073,709,551,616 is a big number<Xavvy> is that really knghtbrd?<Knghtbrd> No, I'm an EVIL IMPOSTOR!<Knghtbrd> An evil impostor who LIKES HYBRID!<Xavvy> haha<Xavvy> ok, it's him :P<|Rain|> I *love* SWB!!<|Rain|> Or, press 5 to speak to a representitive..<|Rain|> *5*<|Rain|> You are being tran...<|Rain|> #define struct union /* great space saver */<Elric> no BSD fans ?<EvilTypeGuy> Elric: it's hard to be a gamer and a bsd fan :p<Marticus> There's too much blood in my caffeine system.<SirDibos> Culus: are you awake?<Culus> no<wli> Yeah, I looked at esd and it looked like the kind of C code that an ex-JOVIAL/Algol '60 coder who had ...<nonlinear> .net is microsofts perverted version of a java networked environment uglified for windows-specific crap<Mercury> LordHavoc: I'm already insane.<Coderjoe> damn straight. or curvy, crooked, or what have youUnix is mature OS, windows is still in diapers and they smell badly. -- Rafael Skodlar <raffi@linwin.com><Midgar> From all the sterotypes about Aussies, I figure you guys are really tough.<Midgar> ;p<krusto> we'll throw koala's at you<|Rain|> *nod* I'm not fond of using smarthosts, myself<|Rain|> as it relies on both the remote host and your hos...The sourceforge approach is to place all of the projects in some bland"open source surburbia", where all of the h...<calc> Knghtbrd: irc doesn't compile c code very well ;)* |Rain| prepares for polygon soup<|Rain|> sweet merciful crap, it works?* |Rain| faints"Since it's a foregone conclusion that Microsoft will be littering its XMLwith pointers to Win32-based components...<robert> i understand there are some reasonable limits to free speech in america, for example I cannot sc...<aav> coffee on an empty stomach is pretty nasy<knghtbrd> aav: time to run to the vending machine for cheetos<aav> cheetos? :)<|Rain|> with sane code, maybe I could figure out the renderer :)<LordHavoc> rain: I'd probably be the one writing the renderer<|Rain|> well, er, uh<|Rain|> Knghtbrd: let me give you access to the zone files<Knghtbrd> oh gods - you do realize I have never played with bind right?<|Rain|> uhoh :)<f00Dave> Look, rejects, this is #OpenGL, not #GEEKSEX.* TwingyAFK is shopping for 17" flat panel* aav sells TwingyAFK a piece of plywoodIsn't it embarrassing when you have to go to the drugstore for some"special items", and when you're checking out,...In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a reallygood argument; my position is mistaken,...<knghtbrd> add a GF2/3, a sizable hard drive, and a 15" flat panel and you've got a pretty damned porta...<knghtbrd> Nintendo Declares GCN Most Popular Console Ever<knghtbrd> Who are they kidding?<Mercury> knghtbrd: Stock holders?<LordHavoc> the majority of windoze artists do not have the ability to save xpm<Mercury> LordHavoc: They don't have notepad? *G,D&R*Linux supports the notion of a command line or a shell for the same reasonthat only children read books with only...## Signoff: insurgent (razzin' frazzin' motherfu... stupid directx...)<krogoth> Kgnghtbrd: I wouldn't kow, I see no need for a spellchecker yet<Knghtbrd> you were saying?<Knghtbrd> I'd better put the incriminating stuff into code: ahfuiovka ikperoa edfr ade 9 enbuw ejasxl...<rcw> liiwi: printk("CPU0 on firen");<Sammy> that's *IT*. I'm never fucking attempting to install redhat again.<Sammy> this is like the 10th f...<Electro> my computer was once one of the building blocks of a great pyramidNOTICE: anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will be summarily put out.<markm> c++: the power, elegance and simplicity of a hand grenade<knghtbrd> but one sort per tab and none per list is arguably better than O(n + n**2) per tab and O(n**...<hoponpop> my program works if i take out the bugs.<Mercury> Knghtbrd: Hey, perl has the power grace and elegance of a sledge hammer. (=:]<|Rain|> certainly the grace and elegance, anyway<DannyS> Hit the monkey to win $20(*)!* knghtbrd gets out his mallet.* knghtbrd plants it firmly on DannyS' head.* knghtbrd will take his $20 now. =D<gholam> well I'm impressed<gholam> win98 managed to crash X from within vmware.* gholam applauds."Nvidia's OpenGL drivers are my "gold standard", and it has been quite awhile since I have had to report a proble...Libtool shared library portability is only slightly more believable thanperpetual motion machines. Especially on AIX :)." -- David Leimbach<Overfiend> this is the New Overfiend, preacher of Love and Tolerance<hoponpop> the difference between netbsd, freebsd, and openbsd, as an insider is freebsd is interested ...<liiwi> so, what's the official way to get buildd to retry a package? prod it with a stick?<Joey> prod neuro<liiwi> with a stick?<Joey> yes.<Knghtbrd> "... you will more than likely see all kinds of compiler warnings scrolling by on the screen...<Hydroxide> knightbrd: from knightbrd.brain import * :)<knghtbrd> Oh gods if it were that easy ..<knghtbrd> from carmack.brain import OpenGL<LIM> mmmm, multitextured donuts....<knghtbrd> LIM: with fruit filling?<LIM> knghtbrd: chocolate cream...<StevenK> You're rewriting parts of Quake in *Python*?<knghtbrd> MUAHAHAHA## a_nick (nobody@c213-89-87-111.cm-upc.chello.se) has joined #python<a_nick> how do i add a new key to a diction...<hop_> i had something that i think was chicken that was coated with a red paste that seemed to be composed...<Intention> "It's classic percolate-up economics, recognizing that money is like manure: It works best...A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashinginto trees. At the same time, a bli...A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for sometime, subsisting on scraps and occasio...A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. -- Ben FranklinA doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infestedwaters. The doctor tried to swim ashore...A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed toa fund for his funeral. The Lord Ch...A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than hehates his wife. A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents didfor a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. ... A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. The housewife replied, "Four!". The accountan...A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. -- Robert Frost A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he hadmade his selection, the stonecutter asked him ...A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity inhis own home, even though he may be in posses... A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity inhis own home, even though he may be in posse... A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,"Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," repl... A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at themovies insist on discussing the probable outcome ...A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from therear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons maynot kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized rosewater.A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No personshall be permitted under any pretext whatever,...According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at leastonce a year.After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of Europeancomparative law. In Germany, under the law, eve... After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled fromHeaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a mo...An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendmentto a motion may not be amended. However...An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree murder."Your Honor, my client is accused of...An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded summation,leaned over the bench and remarked, "I'v...And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thoughthe was melting...Another day, another dollar. -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald Reagan.Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone poleor street lamp.Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Mirandadecision (holding that subjects have a ...Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confusethe issue afterwards.Behold the warranty -- the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid todo your job properly, you have to go, wh...Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily beproved that powerful and malevolent magi...Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats andtrousers that don't match.Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and themost inexplicable must be a matter of o...Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someoneasked him, after a few days. "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there aretwo sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable...District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escapeinjury, and then strike the car as they com...Divorce is a game played by lawyers. -- Cary GrantDoctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often withlittle sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives. -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, NorthCarolina.First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.But the south-east Victorian town o...For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. -- Gore VidalFor three years, the young attorney had been taking his briefvacations at this country inn. The last time he'd f...Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind andsu...Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could no...Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "...Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in ...Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of YouthfulMorals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffma...Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:Q: Are you married?A: No, I'm divorced.Q: And what did your husband do...Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, ...Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present info...Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?A: I will be three mo...Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?A: No.Q: What was he doing with ...Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were a...Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?A: By death.Q: And by whose death was it terminated?Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:Q: What is your name?A: Ernestine McDowell.Q: And what is your marital status?A: Fair.Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:Q: What happened then?A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you becaus...Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie."Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginningto warm to his summation, "the real question her...Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kickedout of the Book-of-the-Month Club. -- ... God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differencesonce and for all. When Satan heard of this, h...Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities ofthose who govern. The machinery of go...He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides."Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As youcan see by my suit and the fact that ... Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. How do you insult a lawyer? You might as well not even try. Consider: of all the highlytrained and educated pro...HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motionthat the House recede from its disag...Humor in th Court:Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.Humor in the Court:Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?A. Oral.Q. How old are you?A. Oral.Humor in the Court:Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?A. My ex-widow said it.Humor in the Court:Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?A. I refuse to answer that question...Humor in the Court:Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.Humor in the Court:Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I se...Humor in the Court:Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?A. I should be.Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?A. Four times.Humor in the Court:Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?A. Because he was ...Humor in the Court:Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?A. Yes, sir.Q. Before or after he died?Humor in the Court:Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?A. Borofkin.Q. What's his first name?A. I can't reme...Humor in the Court:Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?A: Yes, sir.Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?Humor in the Court:Q: ...and what did he do then?A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?Humor in the Court:Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?A: The victim lived.Humor in the Court:Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.Humor in the Court:Q: Are you sexually active?A: No, I just lie there.Humor in the Court:Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?A: I could see his head.Q: And where was his head?A: Just above his shoulders.Humor in the Court:Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?A: He didn't offer m...Humor in the Court:Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?Humor in the Court:Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to y...Humor in the Court:Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. Y...Humor in the Court:Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?A: Oh, she will ...Humor in the Court:Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?A: It indicates intercourse.Q: Male sperm?A. That is the only kind I know.Humor in the Court:Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?A: She is my daughter.Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head. -- FratiannoI remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means somekind of loophole. -- Leo KesslerI suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of thecountry is due to the progressive Massa...I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of thecountry is due to the progressive Massa...I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of thecountry is due to the progressive Massa...I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. Idon't respect the law; I have a total i... Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweethearta box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, itis certain to vote acquittal, save in ...If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes theseparation to have killed him; yet accordin..."If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to thinklittle of robbing; and from robbing he next...If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers. -- Tom WickerIf there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after threeyears left its graduates as unprepared for ... In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest tohis fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers...In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must ownat least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to ticklea female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in orderto get her attention.In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ridein any motor vehicle.In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards onthe sidewalks when a concert is on.In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket.In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for anypilot or passenger to carry an ice cream con... In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unlessthere is a man either running or walking i...In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent asto publicly play croquet or pitch horsesho...In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 poundsand attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carryingof concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view."In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon thatis over six feet in length.In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from amoving automobile.In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or aloaf of bread. However, if a sheep stol...In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle withoutthe supervision of a licensed engineer.In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spousealong at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full ofindulgence for infanticide. A question ...It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits ofUrbana, Illinois.It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down HollywoodBoulevard at one time.It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Ouroffense consists in doubting it. -- Justice Robert H. JacksonIt is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing,each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the otherhas gone. It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Airballoon to cross the United States. After forty ...It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality. -- Local ordinance, Euclid OhioIt's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stoppedusing laboratory rats in favor of attorneys...Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, thatreckless generosity which is found only in m...Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate totwelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night towear tail lights.Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or throughany of its streets.Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?-- No?GOOD!Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made. -- Otto von BismarckLegislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: "Speed upon county roads will be limited to te...Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stickyour hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pa...... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and legally ... impeccable!Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in Halstead, Kansas.Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law studentswho now smoke pot will someday become congressmen ...Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, orat least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols;they may buy shotguns freely, however.Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be alaw against it by that time.NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or inany way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake? Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express traindemolished an automobile and its occupants....Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the C...... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. BoyceConnell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is i... Pittsburgh driver's test (10) Potholes are (a) extremely dangerous. (b) patriotic. (c) the fault of the prev... Pittsburgh driver's test(2) A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should (a) stop... Pittsburgh driver's test(3) When stopped at an intersection you should (a) watch the traffic light for your la... Pittsburgh driver's test(4) Exhaust gas is (a) beneficial. (b) not harmful. (c) toxic. (d) a punk band.The cor... Pittsburgh driver's test(5) Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment. How often shouldyou test it... Pittsburgh Driver's Test(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light but a steady l... Pittsburgh Driver's Test(8) Pedestrians are (a) irrelevant. (b) communists. (c) a nuisance. (d) difficult to c... Pittsburgh driver's test(9) Roads are salted in order to (a) kill grass. (b) melt snow. (c) help the economy. ...She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. -- Tommy ManvilleSho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee. -- Terry SouthernSome men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't thinkabout sex at all... they become lawyers. -- Woody AllenSome of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are theold county laws (well, we never had count...Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is afool is despised only because he is a lawyer. -- MontesquieuTexas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neitherdoctors nor lawyers. -- L. Docquier The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the ArkansasRiver can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,specifies the grade of wheelchair acc...The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is thatthe rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure ona balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he wascaught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionabledebate concerning restoring America's "c...The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,to sleep under the bridges, to beg in th...The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all menshould behave as though the law compelle...The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the IrishGove...The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if itwere not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. -- H. L. MenckenThe powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, norprohibited by it to the States, are reserve...The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enoughvoters to win the next election.The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, whenone juror revealed that he was ...There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legstied during the month of April.There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.No poet ever interpreted nature as fre...There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when hefiled his income tax return last year, he declar..."There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy ...There's no justice in this world. -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by New York distr...This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to realpersons, living or dead is purely co...Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the yard.We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not everpopular but at least they bank. Policema...We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that...Welcome to Utah.If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?Not enough sand.When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calmyourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hosti...Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime toexamine the laws of heat. -- Christopher MorleyWhy does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away? -- Carl SandburgWhy does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California havemore lawyers?New Jersey had first choice.With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every timethey make a law it's a joke. -- Will Rogers"How do you pronounce SunOS?" "Just like you hear it, with a big SOS" -- dedicated to Roland Kaltefleiterfinlandia:~> apropos winwin: nothing appropriate.C:> WINBad command or filenameC:> LOSELoading Microsoft Windows ...Linux ext2fs has been stable for a long time, now it's time to break it -- Linuxkongreß '95 in BerlinThe state of some commercial Un*x is more unsecure than any Linux boxwithout a root password... -- Bernd EckenfelsLess is more or less more -- Y_Plentyn on #LinuxGERLet's call it an accidental feature. --Larry Wall......... Escape the 'Gates' of Hell `:::' ....... ...... ::: * `::. ...Win95 is not a virus; a virus does something. -- unknown sourceMachine Always Crashes, If Not, The Operating System Hangs (MACINTOSH) -- Topic on #LinuxExcept for Great Britain. According to ISO 9166 and Internet realityGreat Britain's toplevel domain should be _gb...Save yourself from the 'Gates' of hell, use Linux." -- like that one. -- The_Kind @ LinuxNetI did this 'cause Linux gives me a woody. It doesn't generate revenue. -- Dave '-ddt->` Taylor, announcing DOOM for LinuxFeel free to contact me (flames about my english and the useless of thisdriver will be redirected to /dev/null, o... if (argc > 1 && strcmp(argv[1], "-advice") == 0) { printf("Don't Panic!n"); exit(42); } -- Arnold Robbins in the LJ of February '95, describing RCSlp1 on fire -- One of the more obfuscated kernel messagesA Linux machine! Because a 486 is a terrible thing to waste! -- Joe Sloan, jjs@wintermute.ucr.eduMicrosoft is not the answer.Microsoft is the question.NO (or Linux) is the answer. -- Taken from a .signature from someone from the UK, source unknownIn most countries selling harmful things like drugs is punishable.Then howcome people can sell Microsoft software...Windows without the X is like making love without a partner. -- MaDsen Wikholm, mwikholm@at8.abo.fiSex, Drugs & Linux Rules -- MaDsen Wikholm, mwikholm@at8.abo.fiwin-nt from the people who invented edlin. -- MaDsen Wikholm, mwikholm@at8.abo.fiApples have meant trouble since eden. -- MaDsen Wikholm, mwikholm@at8.abo.fiLinux, the way to get rid of boot viruses -- MaDsen Wikholm, mwikholm@at8.abo.fiOnce upon a time there was a DOS user who saw Unix, and saw that it wasgood. After typing cp on his DOS machine ...We are MicroSoft. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. -- Attributed to B.G., Gill BatesAvoid the Gates of Hell. Use Linux -- unknown sourceIntel engineering seem to have misheard Intel marketing strategy. Thephrase was "Divide and conquer" not "Divide...Linux! Guerrilla UNIX Development Venimus, Vidimus, Dolavimus. -- Mark A. Horton KA4YBR, mah@ka4ybr.com----==-- _ / / ---==---(_)__ __ ____ __ / / / --==---/ / _ / // / / / / /_/ -=====/_..."Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?"Microsoft spel chekar vor sail, worgs grate !! -- Felix von Leitner, leitner@inf.fu-berlin.dePersonally, I think my choice in the mostest-superlative-computer wars has tobe the HP-48 series of calculators. .../* * Oops. The kernel tried to access some bad page. We'll have to * terminate things with extreme prejudice.*/di...Linux: because a PC is a terrible thing to waste -- ksh@cis.ufl.edu put this on Tshirts in '93Linux: the choice of a GNU generation -- ksh@cis.ufl.edu put this on Tshirts in '93There are two types of Linux developers - those who can spell, andthose who can't. There is a constant pitched b...> > Other than the fact Linux has a cool name, could someone explain why I> > should use Linux over BSD?>> No. T...> The day people think linux would be better served by somebody else (FSF> being the natural alternative), I'll "...> : Any porters out there should feel happier knowing that DEC is shipping> : me an AlphaPC that I intend to try ...When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare atyou blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*". -- Linus TorvaldsWe come to bury DOS, not to praise it. -- Paul Vojta, vojta@math.berkeley.eduBe warned that typing fBkillall fInamefP may not have the desiredeffect on non-Linux systems, especially when don...Note that if I can get you to "su and say" something just by asking,you have a very serious security problem on y...How should I know if it works? That's what beta testers are for. Ionly coded it. -- Attributed to Linus Torvalds, somewhere in a postingI develop for Linux for a living, I used to develop for DOS.Going from DOS to Linux is like trading a glider for ...Absolutely nothing should be concluded from these figures except thatno conclusion can be drawn from them. -- Joseph L. Brothers, Linux/PowerPC Project)If the future navigation system [for interactive networked services onthe NII] looks like something from Microsof...Problem solving under Linux has never been the circus that it is underAIX. -- Pete Ehlke in comp.unix.aixI don't know why, but first C programs tend to look a lot worse thanfirst programs in any other language (maybe e...On a normal ascii line, the only safe condition to detect is a 'BREAK'- everything else having been assigned functions by Gnu EMACS. -- Tarl NeustaedterBy golly, I'm beginning to think Linux really *is* the best thing sincesliced bread. -- Vance Petree, Virginia PowerI'd crawl over an acre of 'Visual This++' and 'Integrated DevelopmentThat' to get to gcc, Emacs, and gdb. Thank you. -- Vance Petree, Virginia PowerOh, I've seen copies [of Linux Journal] around the terminal room at The Labs. -- Dennis RitchieIf you want to travel around the world and be invited to speak at a lotof different places, just write a Unix operating system. -- Linus Torvalds...and scantily clad females, of course. Who cares if it's below zerooutside. -- Linus Torvalds...you might as well skip the Xmas celebration completely, and insteadsit in front of your linux computer playing...Besides, I think Slackware sounds better than 'Microsoft,' don't you? -- Patrick VolkerdingAll language designers are arrogant. Goes with the territory... -- Larry WallAnd the next time you consider complaining that running Lucid Emacs19.05 via NFS from a remote Linux machine in P...Are Linux users lemmings collectively jumping off of the cliff ofreliable, well-engineered commercial software? -- Matt WelshEven more amazing was the realization that God has Internet access. Iwonder if He has a full newsfeed? -- Matt WelshI once witnessed a long-winded, month-long flamewar over the use ofmice vs. trackballs... It was very silly. -- Matt WelshLinux poses a real challenge for those with a taste for late-nighthacking (and/or conversations with God). -- Matt WelshWhat you end up with, after running an operating system concept throughthese many marketing coffee filters, is something not unlike plain hotwater. -- Matt Welsh...Deep Hack Mode -- that mysterious and frightening state ofconsciousness where Mortal Users fear to tread. -- Matt Welsh...Unix, MS-DOS, and Windows NT (also known as the Good, the Bad, andthe Ugly). -- Matt Welsh...very few phenomena can pull someone out of Deep Hack Mode, with twonoted exceptions: being struck by lightning.....you could spend *all day* customizing the title bar. Believe me. Ispeak from experience. -- Matt Welsh[In 'Doctor' mode], I spent a good ten minutes telling Emacs what Ithought of it. (The response was, 'Perhaps you could try to be lessabusive.') -- Matt WelshI would rather spend 10 hours reading someone else's source code than10 minutes listening to Musak waiting for te......[Linux's] capacity to talk via any medium except smoke signals. -- Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer CenterWhip me. Beat me. Make me maintain AIX. -- Stephan ZielinskiYour job is being a professor and researcher: That's one hell of a good excusefor some of the brain-damages of minix. -- Linus Torvalds to Andrew TanenbaumI still maintain the point that designing a monolithic kernel in 1991 is afundamental error. Be thankful you are...We use Linux for all our mission-critical applications. Having the source codemeans that we are not held hostage...Linux is obsolete -- Andrew TanenbaumDijkstra probably hates me. -- Linus Torvalds, in kernel/sched.cAnd 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reportson it, you know they are just evil lies. -- Linus TorvaldsWe are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated. -- seen in someone's .signatureLinux: the operating system with a CLUE... Command Line User Environment. -- seen in a posting in comp.software.testingquit When the quit statement is read, the bc processor is terminated, regardless of where the quit sta...Sic transit discus mundi -- From the System Administrator's Guide, by Lars WirzeniusSigh. I like to think it's just the Linux people who want to be onthe "leading edge" so bad they walk right off the precipice. -- Craig E. GroeschelWe all know Linux is great... it does infinite loops in 5 seconds. - Linus Torvalds about the superiority of Linux on the Amterdam Linux SymposiumWaving away a cloud of smoke, I look up, and am blinded by a bright, whitelight. It's God. No, not Richard Stall...The chat program is in public domain. This is not the GNU public license.If it breaks then you get to keep both pieces. -- Copyright notice for the chat program'Mounten' wird für drei Dinge benutzt: 'Aufsitzen' auf Pferde, 'einklinken'von Festplatten in Dateisysteme, und, nun, 'besteigen' beim Sex. -- Christa KeilManchmal stehe nachts auf und installier's mir einfach... -- H0arry @ IRC'Mounting' is used for three things: climbing on a horse, linking in ahard disk unit in data systems, and, well, mounting during sex. -- Christa KeilWe are using Linux daily to UP our productivity - so UP yours! -- Adapted from Pat Paulsen by Joe SloanBut what can you do with it? -- ubiquitous cry from Linux-user partner/* * [...] Note that 120 sec is defined in the protocol as the maximum * possible RTT. I guess we'll have to use...DOS: n., A small annoying boot virus that causes random spontaneous system crashes, usually just before savin...MSDOS didn't get as bad as it is overnight -- it took over ten yearsof careful development. -- dmeggins@aix1.uottawa.caLILO, you've got me on my knees! -- David Black, dblack@pilot.njin.net, with apologies to Derek and theDominos, and Werner AlmsbergerI've run DOOM more in the last few days than I have the last fewmonths. I just love debugging ;-) -- Linus TorvaldsMicrosoft Corp., concerned by the growing popularity of the free 32-bitoperating system for Intel systems, Linux,...The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned. -- Bruce Ediger, bediger@teal.csn.org, on X interfacesAfter watching my newly-retired dad spend two weeks learning how to make a newfolder, it became obvious that "int...Now I know someone out there is going to claim, "Well then, UNIX is intuitive,because you only need to learn 5000...> No manual is ever necessary.May I politely interject here: BULLSHIT. That's the biggest Apple lie of all! -- D...How do I type "for i in *.dvi do xdvi $i done" in a GUI? -- Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of interfaces>Ever heard of .cshrc?That's a city in Bosnia. Right? -- Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commandsWho wants to remember that escape-x-alt-control-left shift-b puts you intosuper-edit-debug-compile mode? -- Discu...Anyone who thinks UNIX is intuitive should be forced to write 5000 lines of code using nothing but vi or emacs. ...Now, it we had this sort of thing: yield -a for yield to all traffic yield -t for yield to trucks yiel...Actually, typing random strings in the Finder does the equivalent offilename completion. -- Discussion on file completion vs. the Mac FinderNot me, guy. I read the Bash man page each day like a Jehovah's Witness readsthe Bible. No wait, the Bash man p...On the Internet, no one knows you're using Windows NT -- Submitted by Ramiro Estrugo, restrugo@fateware.com> I'm an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find..Disquieting ... -- Gonzalo Tornaria in response to Linus Torvalds's> I'm an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find..We need to find some new terms to describe th...> I'm an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find..Surely, Linus is talking about the kind of id...Never make any mistaeks. -- Anonymous, in a mail discussion about to a kernel bug report+#if defined(__alpha__) && defined(CONFIG_PCI)+ /*+ * The meaning of life, the universe, and everyth...As usual, this being a 1.3.x release, I haven't even compiled thiskernel yet. So if it works, you should be doub...People disagree with me. I just ignore them. -- Linus Torvalds, regarding the use of C++ for the Linux kernelIt's now the GNU Emacs of all terminal emulators. -- Linus Torvalds, regarding the fact that Linux started off as a terminal emulatorAudience: What will become of Linux when the Hurd is ready?Eric Youngdale: Err... is Richard Stallman here? -- From the Linux conference in spring '95, BerlinLinux: The OS people choose without $200,000,000 of persuasion. -- Mike ColemanThe memory management on the PowerPC can be used to frighten small children. -- Linus Torvalds... faster BogoMIPS calculations (yes, it now boots 2 seconds faster thanit used to: we're considering changing t...... of course, this probably only happens for tcsh which uses wait4(),which is why I never saw it. Serves people...It's a bird..It's a plane..No, it's KernelMan, faster than a speeding bullet, to your rescue.Doing new kernel ver...Eh, that's it, I guess. No 300 million dollar unveiling event for thiskernel, I'm afraid, but you're still suppo...Oh, and this is another kernel in that great and venerable "BugFree(tm)"series of kernels. So be not afraid of b...When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows', people just stare atyou blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*'. -- Linus TorvaldsNever trust an operating system you don't have sources for. ;-) -- Unknown source> Linux is not user-friendly. It _is_ user-friendly. It is not ignorant-friendly and idiot-friendly. -- Seen somewhere on the netKeep me informed on the behaviour of this kernel.. As the "BugFree(tm)"series didn't turn out too well, I'm star...Seriously, the way I did this was by using a special /sbin/loader binarywith debugging hooks that I made ("dd" is...(I tried to get some documentation out of Digital on this, but as far asI can tell even _they_ don't have it ;-) -- Linus Torvalds, in an article on a dnserverQ: Why shouldn't I simply delete the stuff I never use, it's just taking up space?A: This question is in the c...Q: What's the big deal about rm, I have been deleting stuff for years? And never lost anything.. oops!A: ... -- From the Frequently Unasked QuestionsLinux is addictive, I'm hooked! -- MaDsen Wikholm's .sigpanic("Foooooooood fight!"); -- In the kernel source aha1542.c, after detecting a bad segment listConvention organizer to Linus Torvalds: "You might like to come with us to some licensed[1] place, and have some ...Footnotes are for things you believe don't really belong in LDP manuals,but want to include anyway. -- Joel N. Weber II discussing the 'make' chapter of LPGEh, that's it, I guess. No 300 million dollar unveiling event for thiskernel, I'm afraid, but you're still suppo...Ok, I'm just uploading the new version of the kernel, v1.3.33, alsoknown as "the buggiest kernel ever". -- Linus TorvaldsGo not unto the Usenet for advice, for you will be told both yea and nay (andquite a few things that just have no...Those who don't understand Linux are doomed to reinvent it, poorly. -- unidentified sourceLook, I'm about to buy me a double barreled sawed off shotgun and showLinus what I think about backspace and delete not working. -- some anonymous .signatureI forgot to mention an important fact in the 1.3.67 announcement. In order to get a fully working kernel, you hav...We apologize for the inconvenience, but we'd still like yout to test outthis kernel. -- Linus Torvalds, announcing another kernel patchThe new Linux anthem will be "He's an idiot, but he's ok", as performed byMonthy Python. You'd better start prac...How do you power off this machine? -- Linus, when upgrading linux.cs.helsinki.fi, and after using the machine for several monthsExcusing bad programming is a shooting offence, no matter _what_ thecircumstances. -- Linus Torvalds, to the linux-kernel listLinus? Whose that? -- clueless newbie on #LinuxN: Phil LewisE: beans@bucket.ualr.eduD: Promised to send money if I would put his name in the source tree.S: PO B...> You know you are "there" when you are known by your first name, and> are recognized.> Lemmie see, there is Mado...Whoa...I did a 'zcat /vmlinuz > /dev/audio' and I think I heard God... -- mikecd on #LinuxSome people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me t...MS-DOS, you can't live with it, you can live without it. -- from Lars Wirzenius' .sig> If you don't need X then little VT-100 terminals are available for real > cheap. Should be able to find decent..... I used to get in more fights with SCO than I did my girlfriend, but now, thanks to Linux, she has more than ha...I mean, well, if it were not for Linux I might be roaming the streets lookingfor drugs or prostitutes or somethin...> What does ELF stand for (in respect to Linux?)ELF is the first rock group that Ronnie James Dio performed with ..."Linux was made by foreign terrorists to take money from true US companieslike Microsoft." - Some AOL'er."To this...Shoot me again.Just proving that the quickest way to solve the problem is to post awhine to the newsgroups: withi...> Is there any hope for me? Am I just thick? Does anyone remember the> Rubiks Cube, it was easier!I found that th...> I've hacked the Xaw3d library to give you a Win95 like interface and it> is named Xaw95. You can replace your X...Besides, its really not worthwhile to use more than two times your physical ram in swap (except in a select few s...> I get the following error messages at bootup, could anyone tell me > what they mean?> fcntl_setlk() called by p...Only wimps use tape backup: _real_ men just upload their important stuff on ftp, and let the rest of the world mi...One of the things that hamper Linux's climb to world domination is theshortage of bad Computer Role Playing Games...The game, anoraks.2.0.0.tgz, will be available from sunsite until somebodyresponsible notices it and deletes it, ...'Ooohh.. "FreeBSD is faster over loopback, when compared to Linuxover the wire". Film at 11.' -- Linus TorvaldsQ: Would you like to see the WINE list?A: What's on it, anything expensive?Q: No, just Solitaire and MineSweeper ...So in the future, one 'client' at a time or you'll be spending CPU time with lots of little 'child processes'. --...By the way, I can hardly feel sorry for you... All last night I had to listen to her tears, so great they were re...We should start referring to processes which run in the background by their correct technical name... paenguins. ...We can use symlinks of course... syslogd would be a symlink to syslogp and ftpd and ircd would be linked to ftpp ...This is a logical analogy too... anyone who's been around, knows the world is run by paenguins. Always a paengui...Linux: Where Don't We Want To Go Today? -- Submitted by Pancrazio De Mauro, paraphrasing some well-known sales talkThe most important design issue... is the fact that Linux is supposed to be fun... -- Linus Torvalds at the First Dutch International Symposium on LinuxIn short, at least give the penguin a fair viewing. If you still don'tlike it, that's ok: that's why I'm boss. I ...<SomeLamer> what's the difference between chattr and chmod?<SomeGuru> SomeLamer: man chattr > 1; man chmod > 2; diff -u 1 2 | less -- Seen on #linux on ircThe linuX Files -- The Source is Out There. -- Sent in by Craig S. Bell, goat@aracnet.com"... being a Linux user is sort of like living in a house inhabitedby a large family of carpenters and architects...C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success -- Dennis M. RitchieIf Bill Gates is the Devil then Linus Torvalds must be the Messiah. -- Unknown sourceVini, vidi, Linux! -- Unknown sourceChecking host system type...i586-unknown-linuxconfigure: error: sorry, this is the gnu os, not linux -- Topic on #LinuxIt's easy to get on the internet and forget you have a life -- Topic on #LinuxGERTo kick or not to kick... -- Somewhere on IRC, inspired by ShakespeareLinux - Where do you want to fly today? -- Unknown sourceThe easiest way to get the root password is to become system admin. -- Unknown sourceThe good thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from. -- Andrew S. TanenbaumThe primary difference [...] is that the Java programm will reliably andobviously crash, whereas the C Program wi...LOAD "LINUX",8,1 -- Topic on #LinuxGEROld MacLinus had a stack/l-i-n-u-x/and on this stack he had a trace/l-i-n-u-xwith an Oops-Oops here and an Oops-O...Also another major deciding factor is availability of source code.It just gives everybody a warm fuzzy feeling kn...> Also another major deciding factor is availability of source code.> It just gives everybody a warm fuzzy feelin...Not only Guinness - Linux is good for you, too. -- Banzai on IRC> NE-2000 clone. Pentium optimizing gcc (pentium gcc pl8 I think). ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^...BTW: I have a better name for the software .... Microsoft InternetExploder. -- George Bonser <grep@cris.com>Well, since MS cant be sure of the username of someone downloadingthings, they are going to play it safe and have...If you really want pure ASCII, save it as text... or browseit with your favorite browser... -- Alexandre Maret <amaret@infomaniak.ch>Sorry for mailing this article, I've obviously made a typo (168!=186)that's the price for being up all night and ...Just to remind everyone. Today, Sept 17, is Linux's 5th birthday. Sohappy birthday to all on the list. Thanks ...Exporting beer from Finnland doesn't seem to be that much of a hassle,as the Lenigrad Cowboys brought a lot of th...Beeping is cute, if you are in the office ;) -- Alan Cox> Where in the US is Linus?He was in the "Promise Land". -- David S. Miller <davem@caip.rutgers.edu>> Yeah, Linus is in the US.>> His source trees are in Finland. OK, someone give him access -fa...Subject: Linux box finds it hard to wake up in the morningI've heard of dogs being like their owners, but Linux b...Win 95 is simplified for the user:User: What does this configuration thing do?You: It allows you to modify you se...*** PUBLIC flooding detected from erikyyy<lewnie> THAT's an erik, pholx.... ;) -- Seen on #LinuxGERI've no idea when Linus is going to release 2.0.24, but if he takestoo long Im going to release a 2.0.24unoff and he can sound off allhe likes. -- Alan CoxAll the existing 2.0.x kernels are to buggy for 2.1.x to be themain goal. -- Alan CoxComputers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picassomartin@bdsi.com (no longer valid - where are you now, Martin?) -- from /usr/src/linux/drivers/cdrom/mcd.c[...] or some clown changed the chips on a board and not its name.(Don't laugh! Look at the SMC etherpower for that.) -- from /usr/src/linux/MAINTAINERSREST:P: Linus TorvaldsS: Buried alive in email -- from /usr/src/linux/MAINTAINERS Why use Windows when you can have air conditioning? Why use Windows, when you can leave through the door? -- Konrad BlumNetscape is not a newsreader, and probably never shall be. -- Tom ChristiansenI think it's time to remove Qt and Qt-derived applications from the distributon.By distributing it, we only encou...If someone can point me to a good and _FREE_ backup software that keepstrack of which files get stored on which t...Whoa, first contact![...]Welcome, from the people of Terra (Sol III). We extend our hands infriendship, and since...> Whoa, first contact!Nope, 'fraid not, Linux is still primarily used on planet Earth, I'mafraid.Our friend here ...There is, however, a strange, musty smell in the air that reminds me ofsomething...hmm...yes...I've got it...ther...Das ganze Saarland ist von M$ besetzt - das ganze? Nein eine kleineGruppe im Sudwesten trotzt dem ubergrosen Herr...1648 files (84%) out of the files that I mirror disappeared. Sincemy delete threshold was set at 90%, all those ...Whoever asked if the debian organization was dead isn't readingdebian-devel. 66 messages in one day, and it's not...> What is the status of Linux' Unicode implementation. Will Linux> be prepared for the first contact?We hav..."You, sir, are nothing but a pathetically lame salesdroid!I fart in your general direction!" -- Randseed on #Linux* Jes wonders why so many people in here uses fooZZZZZ and foo_sleeping nicks<peter> Jes: Because they are sleeping? -- Seen on #Linux* gb notes that fdisk thinks his cdrom can store one terabyte -- Seen on #LinuxCheck it out, send me comments, and dance joyously in the streets, -- Linus Torvalds announcing 2.0.27AP/STT. Helsinki, Dec 5th, 6:22 AM. For immediate release.In order to allay fears about the continuity of the L...Sex dumps core(Sex is a Simple editor for X11) -- Seen on debian bugtrackingI tried the clone syscall on me, but it didn't work. -- Mike Neuffer trying to fix a serious time problem- long f_ffree; /* free file nodes in fs */+ long f_ffree; /* freie Dateiknoten im Dateisystem */ -- Seen in a translation* Phaedrus wishes he could get a machine that consists of Sparc IO, Alpha Processors and sleek design of an SGI<pp> And intel prices -- Seen on #Linux<Tazman> damn my office is cold.<Tazman> need a hot secretary to warm it up. -- Seen on #LinuxThis is a scsi driver, scraes the shit out of me, therefore I tapdancedand wrote a unix clone around it (C) by linus -- Somewhere in the kernel tree * This is complicated. Has to do with interrupts. Thus, I am * scared witless. Therefore I refuse to write this function. :-P -- From the maclinux patchYes I have a Machintosh, please don't scream at me. -- Larry Blumette on linux-kernel<miguel> any new sendmail hole I have to fix before going on vacations? -- Seen on #LinuxAUTHORFvwmAuto just appeared one day, nobody knows how. -- FvwmAuto(1x)<lilo> Fairlight: udp is the light margarine of tcp/ip transport protocols :) -- Seen on #Linuxi dont even know if it makes sense at all :) This is an experimental patchfor an experimental kernel :)) -- Ingo Molnar on linux-kernelLinux - Das System fuer schlaue Maedchen ;) -- bansheeIf loving linux is wrong, I dont wanna be right. -- Topic for #LinuxGER>>> FreeOS is an english-centric nameHave you all been stuck in email, or have any of you tried*pronouncing* that...The documentation is in Japanese. Good luck. -- Rich $alzPeople are going to scream bloody murder about that. -- Seen on linux-kernel> 1. is qmail as secure as they say?Depends on what they were saying, but most likely yes. -- Seen on debian-develNEVER RESPOND TO CRITICAL PRESS. IT IS A GAME YOU CAN ONLY LOSE, AND ITMAKES US LOOK BAD. -- Bruce PerensA feature is nothing more than a bug with seniority. -- Unknown sourceWinnuke in one line? No problem:perl -MIO::Socket -e 'IO::Socket::INET->new(PeerAddr=>"bad.dude.com:139")->send(...(It is an old Debian tradition to leave at least twice a year ...) -- Sven RudolphIf a 'train station' is where a train stops, what's a 'workstation'?Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are."We don't do a new version to fix bugs." - Bill Gates"The new version - it's not there to fix bugs." - Bill Gates -- Retranslated from Focus 43/1995, pp. 206-212The POP3 server service depends on the SMTP server service, whichfailed to start because of the following error:T...Software is like sex; it's better when it's free. -- Linus Torvaldsvi is [[13~^[[15~^[[15~^[[19~^[[18~^ amuk[^[[29~^[[34~^[[26~^[[32~^ch better editor than this emacs. I knowI^[[14...oh okay. my mistake.Yafcot:atj(*),mark* Yet another fool coming over this: according to joey -- mark@mail.novare.netSorry. I just realized this sentance makes no sense :) -- Ian MainNetscape is not a newsreader, and probably never shall be. -- Tom ChristiansenStopping Apache webserver...sleeping...starting again...apache: dl-version.c:189: _dl_check_map_versions: Asserti...Make it idiot-proof, and someone will breed a better idiot. -- Oliver Elphick#Debian makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :) -- HippieGuy on #Debian<Myxie> I know. Unless htere is a cookie monster somewhere between us tat muches the amil.<Myxie> amil/mail<Myxie...ECRC hat keine lynx komp. seiten, sowas MUSS ja pleite gehen ;-)= -- Getty on #LinuxGERUh... deity is a word, and diety isn't.Or is it supposed to be one of those recursive acronyms? Diety IsExcellen...Why are there always boycotts? Shouldn't there be girlcotts too? -- argon on #Linux<sct> Anyone want the new supermount? :)<klogd> whats new aboutit<sct> klogd: It cleans whiter than white. :) -- Seen on #LinuxUnd die Tastaturabrdücke auf Ihrer Wange unterstreichen seeeeeehrvorteilhaft ihr unterschütterliches Vertrauen in...- DDD no longer requires the librx library. Consequently, librx errors can no more cause DDD to crash. -- DDDsnafu = Situation Normal All F%$*ed upIt's computer hardware, of course it's worth having <g> -- Espy on #DebianAlan E. Davis: Some files at llug.sep.bnl.gov/pub/debian/Incoming arestamped on 10 January 1998. As I write, now...Computers are like air conditioners. Both stop working, if you open windows. -- Adam HeathI am NOT a kludge! I am a computer! -- tts<Joey> gorgo: *lol*<gorgo> joey: what's so funny? :)<Culus> shh, joey is losing all sanity from lack of sleep<Cul...* SynrG notes that the number of configuration questions to answer in sendmail is NON-TRIVIAL -- Seen on #DebianMy apologies if I sound angry. I feel like I'm talking to a void. -- Avery PennarunRIP is irrelevant. Spoofing is futile. Your routes will be aggregated. -- Alex YurievAfter 14 non-maintainer releases, I'm the S-Lang non-maintainer. -- Ray DassenBREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding.* JHM wonders what Joey did to earn "I'd just like to say, for the record, that Joey rules." -- Seen on #DebianSteal my cash, car and TV - but leave the computer! -- Soenke Lange <soenke@escher.north.de>The only really good reason I can think to not release specs isembarrassment on just how crappy some hardware out...> Alan Cox wrote:[..]No I didnt. Someone else wrote that. Please keep attributionsstraight. -- From linux-kernelDo people like check the Debian website every 5 minutes to check it hasn't morphed into another one?Not that I'm ...... Linux und seine Programme sind damit so etwas wie ein real existierenderSozialismus der besseren Art ... -- C...* james would be more impressed if netgod's magic powers could stop the splits in the first place...* netgod note... * In anticipation of 2.10.02 release, updated to patchlevel +ircu2.10.01+.config6-7.config7-8.lgline3.iwho...* Joey should not write changelog entries at 5:30am<Joey> * DFSC Free cgi library<Joey> What's that? DFSC?<jim...<posix> this guy _is_ crazy<stargazer> posix: from the looks of Enlightenment he's on LSD<posix> LSD is nothing compared to what this guy's on.. -- Seen on #UnixOn Netscape GPLing their browser: ``How can you trust a browser thatANYONE can hack? For the secure choice, choos...Turn right here. No! NO! The OTHER right!#define FALSE 0 /* This is the naked Truth */#define TRUE 1 /* and this is the Light */ -- mailto.c<Stealth> How do I bind a computer to an NIS server?<Joey> Use a rope? -- Seen on #DebianTry to remove the color-problem by restarting your computer several times. -- Microsoft-Internet Explorer README.TXTDoes biff in bo workcoz it biffin doesn't beepan if biff in bo is brokethen biff in bo I will deleteI've tried bi...Real Men don't make backups. They upload it via ftp and let the world mirror it. -- Linus TorvaldsOne tree to rule them all,One tree to find them,One tree to bring them all,and to itself bind them. -- Gavin Koch <gavin@cygnus.com>As I currently don't have a floppy drive in my computer, I'd like tomake an `emergency cdrom' ;) -- Eugene Crosser <crosser@average.org>Alan Cox wrote:>> On any procmail new enough not to be full of security holes you set>Brain on, Imeant majordomo ...<grin> seen jhm<dpkg> jhm is Sarek, and jhm is on the channel right now!* JHM wonders why dpkg remembers that par...When you have 200 programmers trying to write code for oneproduct, like Win95 or NT, what you get is a multipule ...<igor> Hah! we have 2 Johnie Ingrams in the channel :)<igor> Hey all btw :)I just uploaded xtoolplaces-1.6. It fixes all bugs but one: It stillcoredumps instead of doing something useful. ...> I thing you're missing the capability of Makefiles. It takes several _hours_ to do `make' a second time ...<Culus> aIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11<Culus> MY LIGHT JUST DIED<Culus> I AM SO SAD<Culus> I'm blind! I'm blind!<d...| |-sshd---tcsh-+-dpkg-buildpacka---rules---sh---make---make---sh---make---sh---make---sh---make---sh---make---sh.../* * Please skip to the bottom of this file if you ate lunch recently * -- Alan */ -- from Linux kernel pre-2.1.91-1#if _FP_W_TYPE_SIZE < 64#error "Only stud muffins allowed, schmuck."#endif -- linux/arch/sparc64/quad.c#if _FP_W_TYPE_SIZE < 32#error "Here's a nickel kid. Go buy yourself a real computer."#endif -- linux/arch/sparc64/double.h<dark> eat Depends: cook | eat-out. But eat-out is non-free so that's out. And cook Recommends: clean-pans. -- Seen on #Debian* Linux Viruscan..... Windows 95 found. Remove it? (Y/y) -- Unknown source<sel> need help: my first packet to my provider gets lost :-(<netgod> sel: dont send the first one, start with #2* netgod is kiddingThese download files are in Microsoft Word 6.0 format. Afterunzipping, these files can be viewed in any text edit...<james> abuse me. I'm so lame I sent a bug report to debian-devel-changes -- Seen on #DebianOoh, mommy, mommy, what I have now doesn't work in this extremelyunlikely circumstance, so I'll just throw it awa...#ifdef __SMP__#error "Me no hablo Alpha SMP"#else#define irq_enter(cpu, irq) (++local_irq_count[cpu])#define ...Linus Torvalds:> This is the special easter release of linux, more mundanely called 1.3.84Winfried Truemper:> Umh...I never thought that I'd see the day where Netscape is free software andX11 is proprietary. We live in interesti...Because I don't need to worry about finances I can ignore Microsoftand take over the (computing) world from the grassroots. -- Linus Torvalds/* * Buddy system. Hairy. You really aren't expected to understand this * */ -- From /usr/src/linux/mm/page_alloc.cAbaz bat bamus batis bant. -- James TroupJust go ahead and write your own multitasking multiuser os!Worked for me all the times. -- Linus TorvaldsI've seen people with new children before, they go from ultra happy tolooking like something out of a zombie film...I expect that noone has objections. However, if I'd only add these entriesto the list because `I think it's the ...Various documentation updates and bugfixes (the best way to know that astable kernel is approaching is to notice ...You will not censor me through bug terrorism. -- James Troup<doogie> Thinking is dangerous. It leads to ideas. -- Seen on #Debian<james> Are we going to make an emacs out of apt? APT - Debian in a program. It even does your laundry -- Seen on #Debian<joost> Do you mean to say that I can read mail with vi too? ;-)<Joey> Didn't you know that?<Joey> :r /var/spool/mail/jk -- debian-mentorsCharles Briscoe-Smith <cpbs@debian.org>: After all, the gzip package is called `gzip', not `libz-bin'...James Tr...Debian is like Suse with yast turned off, just better. :) -- Goswin BrederlowArnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) O...The truth is not free. It's that simple. If you change the truth, it is nolonger true - so the truth is not free! -- Jules Bean about freeness of documentation<jim> Lemme make sure I'm not wasting time here... bcwhite will remove pkgs that havent been fixed that have...* JHM wonders what Joey did to earn "I'd just like to say, for the record, that Joey rules." -- Seen on #DebianThe problem here (as someon else stated) is that when multiple distsuse the same package format it only gives a "...*** Rince is wagner@schizo.DAINet.de (We have Joey, we have Fun, we have Linux on a Sun) -- Seen on #Debian... Linux und seine Programme sind damitso etwas wie ein real existierender Sozialismus der besseren Art... -- Ch...The most effective has probably been Linux/8086 - that was a jokethat got out of hand. So far out of hand in fac...The only other people who might benefit from Linux8086 would be ownersof PDP/11's and other roomsized computers from the same era. -- Alan CoxHa. I say let them try -- even vi+perl couldn't match the power of aneditor which is, after all, its own OS. ;-)...Being overloaded is the sign of a true Debian maintainer. -- JHM on #Debian<alaint> joey--very clever !!!<alaint> joey--no wonder that Debian is a good distrib with coder like you -- Seen ...There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. -- Unknown sourceDespite the best efforts of a quantum bigfoot drive (yes I know everyonetold me they suck, now I know they were r...<dark> Turns out that grep returns error code 1 when there are no matches. I KNEW that. Why did it take me half an hour? -- Seen on #DebianIt's simply unbelievable how much energy and creativity people haveinvested into creating contradictory, bogus an...<Overfiend> partycle: I seriously do need a vacation from this package. I actually had a DREAM about ...<core> i'm glad Debian finally got into polar-deep-freeze-we-arent-shitting-you state finally. -- Seen on #Debian shortly before the release of Debian 2.0<dark> Looks like the channel is back to normal :)<jim> You mean it's not scrolling faster than anyone can read? ...Alex Buell:Or how about a Penguin logo painted in really really trippycolours, and emblazoned with the word LSD. ...Writing non-free software is not an ethically legitimate activity,so if people who do this run into trouble, that...Außerdem noch [..] die Distribution für Puristen, denen technischeEleganz und Qualität und philosophisch reine Le...Fehlermeldung von StarOffice:Das Dokument wurde fuer den Drucker Generic PostScript Printer formatiert.Der Drucke...No, that's wrong too. Now there's a race condition between the rm andthe mv. Hmm, I need more coffee. -- Guy Maor on Debian Bug#25228Perhaps the RBLing (Realtime Black Hole) of msn.com recently, whichprevented a large amount of mail going out for...Microsoft DNS service terminates abnormally when it recieves a responseto a DNS query that was never made. Fix I...I am amazed that no-one's based a commercial distribution on Debianyet - it is by far the most solid UNIX-like OS...Jim> http://www.novare.net/~eam/kaffe/Joey> ^Joey> And now we all learn how to write ...Die TeX-Artikel [..] aber doch inzwischen wohl nicht mehr an denFingern zweier Hände abzählbar (außer vielleicht ...And Bruce is effectively building BruceIX -- Alan Cox<Culus-> I will be known as Ian Black, Ean can be Ian Red, Netgod Ian Blue, Che gets Ian Yellow, CQ is Ia...When a float occurs on the same page as the start of a supertabularyou can expect unexpected results. -- Documentation of supertabular.styFrom: Ean Schuessler <ean@novare.net>The unrecognized minister of propaganda,E -- Debian, joking* liw prefers not to have Linus run Debian, because then /me would have to run Red Hat, just to keep the power balance :) -- #Debian<\swing> and if we're playing old distributions... whatever happened to Yggdrasil? :)<joost> \swing: everybody wh...I'm telling you that the kernel is stable not because it's a kernel,but because I refuse to listen to arguments like this. -- Linus Torvalds> Tut mir Leid, Jost, aber Du bist ein unertraeglicher Troll.Was soll das? Du *beleidigst* die Trolle! -- de.comp.os.unix.linux.miscWenn also die KDE-Arbeit nochmal gemacht wird bei GNOME, hat das dieEntwicklungszeit für ein freies Desktop-Syste...* dpkg ponders: 'C++' should have been called 'D' -- #Debian<rm_-rf_> The real value of KDE is that they inspired and push the development of GNOME :-) -- #Debian* dpkg hands stu a huge glass of vbeer* Joey takes the beer from stu, you're too young ;)* Cylord takes the beer ...<stu> Stupid nick highlighting<stu> Whenever someone starts with "stupid" it highlights the nick. Hmm. -- #Debian<netgod> And once Diziet/CQ make the formal announcment that LSA sucks, we can even reduce the Crisis Lev...* LG loves czech girls.<vincent> LG: do they have additional interesting "features" other girls don't have? ;) -- #DebianThe first is to ensure your partner understands that nature has rootprivileges - nature doesn't have to make sense. -- Telsa GwynneAs to house maintenance, does it involve problem solfing? If so,your hacker can safely be left to deall with the...Remember: While root can do most everything, there are certainprivileges that only a partner can grant. -- Telsa Gwynne<Skyhook> Where is 'bavaria' proper? I thought it was austria. -- Seen on #LinuxDay X+4 months: Microsoft ships NT 5.0 for Intel.with a big media event on TV. IBM begins to ship ...How many chunks could checkchunk check if checkchunk could check chunks? -- Alan CoxQ: How does a Unix guru have sex?A: unzip;strip;touch;finger;mount;fsck;more;yes;umount;sleep -- unknown sourceSomeone on IRC was very sad about the uptime of his machine wrappingfrom 497 days to 0. -- linux-kernel<doogie> netgod: 8:42pm is not late.<netgod> doogie: its 2:42am in Joeyland -- #DebianWe knew from experience that the essence of communal computing, assupplied by remote-access, time-shared machines...modconf (0.2.37) stable unstable; urgency=medium [...] * Eduard Bloch: - fixed Makefile broken Marcin Owsian...<|ryan|> I don't use deb<netgod> u poor man<Disconnect> netgod: heh<Kingsqueak> apt-get install task-p0rnCould somebody drag the Irix team kicking and screaming into the 1980's, please? I realize it might be quite pain...> <magical +3 sigh of hyperbole deflection>The branden dodges your magical sigh. The branden attacks you with asl...I don't think 'It's better than hurling yourself into a meat grinder'is a good rationale for doing something. --...< Overfiend> whew.< Overfiend> I really need to get some sleep.< Overfiend> but it sure was fun talking guitars, politics, and lesbians.A Linux machine! because a 486 is a terrible thing to waste!(By jjs@wintermute.ucr.edu, Joe Sloan)"Absolutely nothing should be concluded from these figures except thatno conclusion can be drawn from them."(By Joseph L. Brothers, Linux/PowerPC Project)Actually, typing random strings in the Finder does the equivalent offilename completion.(Discussion in comp.os.li...After watching my newly-retired dad spend two weeks learning how to make a newfolder, it became obvious that "int..."All language designers are arrogant. Goes with the territory..."(By Larry Wall)And 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reportson it, you know they are just evil lies."(..."...and scantily clad females, of course. Who cares if it's below zerooutside"(By Linus Torvalds)"And the next time you consider complaining that running Lucid Emacs19.05 via NFS from a remote Linux machine in ...> : Any porters out there should feel happier knowing that DEC is shipping> : me an AlphaPC that I intend to try ...Anyone who thinks UNIX is intuitive should be forced to write 5000 lines of code using nothing but vi or emacs. A..."Are [Linux users] lemmings collectively jumping off of the cliff ofreliable, well-engineered commercial software?"(By Matt Welsh)As usual, this being a 1.3.x release, I haven't even compiled thiskernel yet. So if it works, you should be doub...Avoid the Gates of Hell. Use Linux(Unknown source)Be warned that typing fBkillall fInamefP may not have the desiredeffect on non-Linux systems, especially when don..."Besides, I think [Slackware] sounds better than 'Microsoft,' don't you?"(By Patrick Volkerding)But what can you do with it? -- ubiquitous cry from Linux-user partner.(Submitted by Andy Pearce, ajp@hpopd.pwd.hp.com)"By golly, I'm beginning to think Linux really *is* the best thing sincesliced bread."(By Vance Petree, Virginia Power)/* * Oops. The kernel tried to access some bad page. We'll have to * terminate things with extreme prejudice.*/di..."...Deep Hack Mode--that mysterious and frightening state ofconsciousness where Mortal Users fear to tread."(By Matt Welsh)Dijkstra probably hates me(Linus Torvalds, in kernel/sched.c)DOS: n., A small annoying boot virus that causes random spontaneous system crashes, usually just before savin.../* * [...] Note that 120 sec is defined in the protocol as the maximum * possible RTT. I guess we'll have to use..."Even more amazing was the realization that God has Internet access. Iwonder if He has a full newsfeed?"(By Matt Welsh)>Ever heard of .cshrc?That's a city in Bosnia. Right?(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands.)Fatal Error: Found [MS-Windows] System -> Repartitioning Disk for Linux...(By cbbrown@io.org, Christopher Browne)How do I type "for i in *.dvi do xdvi i done" in a GUI?(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of interfaces.)"How should I know if it works? That's what beta testers are for. I onlycoded it."(Attributed to Linus Torvalds, somewhere in a posting)----==-- _ / / ---==---(_)__ __ ____ __ / / / --==---/ / _ / // / / / / /_/ -=====/_...I develop for Linux for a living, I used to develop for DOS.Going from DOS to Linux is like trading a glider for ...I did this 'cause Linux gives me a woody. It doesn't generate revenue.(Dave '-ddt->` Taylor, announcing DOOM for Linux)Feel free to contact me (flames about my english and the useless of thisdriver will be redirected to /dev/null, o..."I don't know why, but first C programs tend to look a lot worse thanfirst programs in any other language (maybe ..."I once witnessed a long-winded, month-long flamewar over the use ofmice vs. trackballs...It was very silly."(By Matt Welsh)I still maintain the point that designing a monolithic kernel in 1991 is afundamental error. Be thankful you are..."I would rather spend 10 hours reading someone else's source code than10 minutes listening to Musak waiting for t..."I'd crawl over an acre of 'Visual This++' and 'Integrated DevelopmentThat' to get to gcc, Emacs, and gdb. Thank you."(By Vance Petree, Virginia Power)"I'm an idiot.. At least this one [bug] took about 5 minutes to find.."(Linus Torvalds in response to a bug repor...I've run DOOM more in the last few days than I have the last fewmonths. I just love debugging ;-)(Linus Torvalds)Microsoft Corp., concerned by the growing popularity of the free 32-bitoperating system for Intel systems, Linux,... if (argc > 1 && strcmp(argv[1], "-advice") == 0) { printf("Don't Panic!n"); exit(42); }(Arnold Robbins in the LJ of February '95, describing RCS)+#if defined(__alpha__) && defined(CONFIG_PCI)+ /*+ * The meaning of life, the universe, and everyth..."If the future navigation system [for interactive networked services onthe NII] looks like something from Microso..."If you want to travel around the world and be invited to speak at a lotof different places, just write a Unix operating system."(By Linus Torvalds)"[In 'Doctor' mode], I spent a good ten minutes telling Emacs what Ithought of it. (The response was, 'Perhaps y...In most countries selling harmful things like drugs is punishable.Then howcome people can sell Microsoft software...Intel engineering seem to have misheard Intel marketing strategy. The phrasewas "Divide and conquer" not "Divide ..."It's God. No, not Richard Stallman, or Linus Torvalds, but God."(By Matt Welsh)LILO, you've got me on my knees!(from David Black, dblack@pilot.njin.net, with apologies to Derek and theDominos, and Werner Almsberger)Linux is obsolete(Andrew Tanenbaum)"Linux poses a real challenge for those with a taste for late-nighthacking (and/or conversations with God)."(By Matt Welsh)Linux! Guerrilla UNIX Development Venimus, Vidimus, Dolavimus.(By mah@ka4ybr.com, Mark A. Horton KA4YBR)"...[Linux's] capacity to talk via any medium except smoke signals."(By Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center)linux: because a PC is a terrible thing to waste(ksh@cis.ufl.edu put this on Tshirts in '93)Linux: Because a PC is a terrible thing to waste.(By komarimf@craft.camp.clarkson.edu, Mark Komarinski)linux: the choice of a GNU generation(ksh@cis.ufl.edu put this on Tshirts in '93)"Linux: the operating system with a CLUE...Command Line User Environment".(seen in a posting in comp.software.testing)lp1 on fire(One of the more obfuscated kernel messages)Microsoft is not the answer.Microsoft is the question.NO (or Linux) is the answer.(Taken from a .signature from someone from the UK, source unknown)'Mounten' wird fuer drei Dinge benutzt: 'Aufsitzen' auf Pferde, 'einklinken'von Festplatten in Dateisysteme, und,..."MSDOS didn't get as bad as it is overnight -- it took over ten yearsof careful development."(By dmeggins@aix1.uottawa.ca)"Never make any mistaeks."(Anonymous, in a mail discussion about to a kernel bug report.)> No manual is ever necessary.May I politely interject here: BULLSHIT. That's the biggest Apple lie of all!(Disc...Not me, guy. I read the Bash man page each day like a Jehovah's Witness readsthe Bible. No wait, the Bash man pag..."Note that if I can get you to \"su and say\" something just by asking,you have a very serious security problem o...Now I know someone out there is going to claim, "Well then, UNIX is intuitive,because you only need to learn 5000...Now, it we had this sort of thing: yield -a for yield to all traffic yield -t for yield to trucks yiel..."On a normal ascii line, the only safe condition to detect is a 'BREAK'- everything else having been assigned functions by Gnu EMACS."(By Tarl Neustaedter)"On the Internet, no one knows you're using Windows NT"(Submitted by Ramiro Estrugo, restrugo@fateware.com)Once upon a time there was a DOS user who saw Unix, and saw that it wasgood. After typing cp on his DOS machine a...> > Other than the fact Linux has a cool name, could someone explain why I> > should use Linux over BSD?>> No. T...Personally, I think my choice in the mostest-superlative-computer wars has tobe the HP-48 series of calculators. ...There are no threads in a.b.p.erotica, so there's no gain in using athreaded news reader.(Unknown source)"Problem solving under linux has never been the circus that it is underAIX."(By Pete Ehlke in comp.unix.aix)quit When the quit statement is read, the bc processor is terminated, regardless of where the quit sta...Running Windows on a Pentium is like having a brand new Porsche but onlybe able to drive backwards with the handbrake on.(Unknown source)"sic transit discus mundi"(From the System Administrator's Guide, by Lars Wirzenius)Sigh. I like to think it's just the Linux people who want to be onthe "leading edge" so bad they walk right off the precipice.(Craig E. Groeschel)The chat program is in public domain. This is not the GNU public license. Ifit breaks then you get to keep both pieces.(Copyright notice for the chat program)> The day people think linux would be better served by somebody else (FSF> being the natural alternative), I'll "...The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays adialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.(Arno Schaefer's .sig)The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.(Bruce Ediger, bediger@teal.csn.org, in comp.os.linux.misc, on X interfaces.)There are two types of Linux developers - those who can spell, andthose who can't. There is a constant pitched ba...This message was brought to you by Linux, the free unix.Windows without the X is like making love without a pa..."...Unix, MS-DOS, and Windows NT (also known as the Good, the Bad, andthe Ugly)."(By Matt Welsh)"...very few phenomena can pull someone out of Deep Hack Mode, with twonoted exceptions: being struck by lightnin..."Waving away a cloud of smoke, I look up, and am blinded by a bright, whitelight. It's God. No, not Richard Stall..."We all know Linux is great...it does infinite loops in 5 seconds."(Linus Torvalds about the superiority of Linux on the AmsterdamLinux Symposium)We are MicroSoft. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.(Attributed to B.G., Gill Bates)We are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.(seen in someone's .signature)We are using Linux daily to UP our productivity - so UP yours!(Adapted from Pat Paulsen by Joe Sloan)We come to bury DOS, not to praise it.(Paul Vojta, vojta@math.berkeley.edu, paraphrasing a quote of Shakespeare)We use Linux for all our mission-critical applications. Having the source codemeans that we are not held hostage ..."What you end up with, after running an operating system concept throughthese many marketing coffee filters, is s...What's this script do? unzip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; gasp ; yes ; umount ; sleepHint for the answer: not ev...`When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare atyou blankly and say "Hey, I got those..."Whip me. Beat me. Make me maintain AIX."(By Stephan Zielinski)"Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk ?"Microsoft spel chekar vor sail, worgs grate !!(By leitner@inf.fu-berlin.de, Felix von Leitner)Who wants to remember that escape-x-alt-control-left shift-b puts you intosuper-edit-debug-compile mode?(Discussi...Why use Windows, since there is a door?(By fachat@galileo.rhein-neckar.de, Andre Fachat)"World domination. Fast"(By Linus Torvalds)..you could spend *all day* customizing the title bar. Believe me. Ispeak from experience."(By Matt Welsh)"...you might as well skip the Xmas celebration completely, and insteadsit in front of your linux computer playin...Your job is being a professor and researcher: That's one hell of a good excusefor some of the brain-damages of minix.(Linus Torvalds to Andrew Tanenbaum)I've heard a Jew and a Muslim argue in a Damascus cafe with less passionthan the emacs wars." -- Ronald Florence...A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shiningand wants it back the minute it begins to rain. -- Mark TwainA classic is something that everyone wants to have readand nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI"A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "TheJumping Frog" alone will be remembered. -...A is for Apple. -- Hester PryneA kind of Batman of contemporary letters. -- Philip Larkin on Anthony BurgessA light wife doth make a heavy husband. -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when hiswife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like hewas waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. -- Mark TwainA Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) -- by Charles Dickens A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his ...A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) -- by Charles Dickens A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks jus...After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. -- H.L. Mencken, on ShakespeareAlas, how love can trifle with itself! -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"All generalizations are false, including this one. -- Mark TwainAll I know is what the words know, and dead things, and thatmakes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a m...All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come fromthe mouths of people who have had ..."... all the modern inconveniences ..." -- Mark TwainAll things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. -- Mark TwainAlways the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It""... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite oftenpicturesque liar." -- Mark TwainAn honest tale speeds best being plainly told. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more thingsthan someone who hasn't. -- Mark TwainApril 1This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other threehundred and sixty-four. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. -- Shakespeare, "King Lear"As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,especially in literature, and which Shakespea...AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! AWAKE! -- J. R. R. TolkienAwash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remainingear and felt the presence of somebody e...Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. -- Mark TwainBehold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which isbut a manner of saying, "Scatter your...Big book, big bore. -- CallimachusBut, for my own part, it was Greek to me. -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. -- Mark TwainCivilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. -- Mark TwainClothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark TwainCondense soup, not books!Conscience doth make cowards of us all. -- ShakespeareConsider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bugthan an old bird of paradise. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear. Except acreature be part coward it is not a...Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly. -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1 Here is a letter, read it at your lei...Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone foreverskipping along smooth water, rippling real...Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes younothing. It was here first. -- Mark Twain"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him. "Cabbages and potatoes are betterfor you and me." -- J. R. R. TolkienEnglish literature's performing flea. -- Sean O'Casey on P.G. WodehouseEven the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be atfault, after all, and therefore ough...Every cloud engenders not a storm. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"Every why hath a wherefore. -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly. -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway: "Ernest, the rich are different from us."Hemingway: "Yes. They have more money."Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty isoblivion. -- Mark TwainFamiliarity breeds contempt -- and children. -- Mark TwainFew things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. -- "Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"For a light heart lives long. -- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"For courage mounteth with occasion. -- William Shakespeare, "King John"For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,each delved into a hill, and about eac...For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one canneither think nor feel, she thought, wh...For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.But now I think a thought that...Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. -- J.R.R. TolkienGone With The Wind LITE(tm) -- by Margaret Mitchell A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets tras...Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is wo...Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you musthave somebody to divide it with. -- Mark TwainHabit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxeddown-stairs a step at a time. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's CalendarHain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a bigenough majority in any town? -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"Harp not on that string. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is notadvice, it is merely custom. -- Mark TwainHaving nothing, nothing can he lose. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of hisargument. -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"He hath eaten me out of house and home. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"He is now rising from affluence to poverty. -- Mark TwainHe jests at scars who never felt a wound. -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. -- J.R.R. TolkienHe that is giddy thinks the world turns round. -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too. -- Lewis CarrollHell is empty and all the devils are here. -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferredto drop the Maha- and the -atman, howev...How apt the poor are to be proud. -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"I do desire we may be better strangers. -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like lessthan half of you half as well as you deserve. -- J. R. R. TolkienI dote on his very absence. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,so I woke up from sheer boredom.I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. -- Mark TwainI must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as aweek sometimes to make it up. -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in NewEngland, but the weather. I don't kn...I think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones. -- T.S. EliotI was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. -- Mark TwainI will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. Iwill live in the Past, the Present, and t..."I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on ...I'll burn my books. -- Christopher MarloweI've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;And from that full meridian of my gloryI haste now to my setti...If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it wouldbe a merrier world. -- J.R.R. TolkienIf one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no usein reading it at all. -- Oscar WildeIf two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. -- Ernest HemingwayIf you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end. -- Mark TwainIf you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference bet...If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. -- Mark TwainIn a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." -- Mark TwainIn India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come intouse through the necessity of having som...In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, butthe Marseillaise only have a vague theoret...In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he madeschool boards. -- Mark TwainIn the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked andstruggled and had lots of children. Th...In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi hasshortened itself two hundred and forty-two m...In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of24 hours. -- Mark Twain, on New England weatherIt has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitelythe most important. -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"It is a wise father that knows his own child. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:freedom of speech, freedom of thought, ...It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a manwho, not being able to find any other...It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the bestjudge of one. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,his reason, and be able to recognize the g...It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. -- Mark TwainIt were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinionthat makes horse-races. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything.Some think it is the voice of God. -- Mark TwainKindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read. -- Mark TwainKiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday. -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!". -- ShakespeareLet him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"Let me take you a button-hole lower. -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will besorry. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit...Lord, what fools these mortals be! -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. -- Mark TwainMany a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can'tunderstand his own meaning. -- George D. PrenticeMany enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher isweary and tired because he has cut meat a...Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on veryvery thin paper.Many pages make a thick book.Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there isparticularly dead about a door-nail. I...Must I hold a candle to my shames? -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" My dear People. My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks,and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Bur...My only love sprung from my only hate!Too early seen unknown, and known too late! -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"Never laugh at live dragons. -- Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Hobbit"]No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large. -- Mark TwainNo live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions ofabsolute reality; even larks and katydi...No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! -- Sherlock HolmesNoise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cacklesas if she laid an asteroid. -- Mark Twain"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none." -- ShakespeareNothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. -- Mark TwainNothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"O, it is excellentTo have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannousTo use it like a giant. -- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2October 12, the Discovery.It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to missit. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"October.This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.The others are July, January, Se...Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. -- ShakespeareOne of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat hasonly nine lives. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"Patch griefs with proverbs. -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselvespossess. -- Gandalf the Grey [J.R.R. Tolkien, "Lord of the Rings"]Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;persons attempting to find a moral in it...question = ( to ) ? be : ! be; -- Wm. ShakespeareReader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member ofCongress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark TwainRebellion lay in his way, and he found it. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstoolsthat think they are truffles. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. -- Mark TwainROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.Seeing that death, a necessary end,Will come when it will come. -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. -- Mark TwainSheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and thenturned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator mu...Small things make base men proud. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;and at the same time a great she-bear, com...So so is good, very good, very excellent good:and yet it is not; it is but so so. -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are moredeadly in the long run. -- Mark TwainSomething's rotten in the state of Denmark. -- ShakespeareSometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. Then it passes off and I'mas intelligent as ever. -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame""Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, thoughungarnished with a beard, yet here and there ...Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So longas there is a regular progression of stim...Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.And I no more believe Topper was really bl...Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. -- Wm. ShakespeareSwerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsound...Talkers are no good doers. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"Tell the truth or trump--but get the trick. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"Tempt not a desperate man. -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"The bay-trees in our country are all wither'dAnd meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;The pale-faced moon loo...The better part of valor is discretion. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the firsthalf being before the scream when it was fa...The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose StateUniv. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held ...The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena frettedsullenly and, buffing her already impeccable n...The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the firstfemale ape to go up in space, winked at ...The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the differencebetween a mermaid and a seal. -- Mark TwainThe difference between the right word and the almost right word is thedifference between lightning and the lightning bug. -- Mark TwainThe fashion wears out more apparel than the man. -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IVThe holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal andenduring a nature that it will last through...The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. -- Mark TwainThe human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in thatprocession but carrying a banner. -- Mark TwainThe last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. -- Blaise PascalThe Least Perceptive Literary Critic The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. Amost indi...The Least Successful Collector Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. Shewas employed a...The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post ofthe warrior-chief Beast, with his barbaria...The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,Are of imagination all compact... -- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something thatwill always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. -- Mark TwainThe naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, tryi...The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, featheredrumps mooning the day, webbed appendages f...The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of...The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink whatyou don't like, and do what you'd rather not. -- Mark Twain The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I canno...The Public is merely a multiplied "me." -- Mark TwainThe ripest fruit falls first. -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven. -- Mark TwainThe smallest worm will turn being trodden on. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. -- Mark TwainThe true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned withcommoner things. It is chief of the wo...The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. -- Mark TwainThere are more things in heaven and earth,Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Hamlet"There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form arising scale of compliment: 1, to tell...There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that ofpaying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out. -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty."When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend." -- Mark TwainThere is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed byridicule, howsoever poor and witless. ...There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. -- Mark TwainThere is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have huntedarmed men long enough and liked it, never c...There's small choice in rotten apples. -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreignersalways spell better than they pronounce. -- Mark TwainThings past redress and now with me past care. -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is alittle ironic since we may not have one. -- Arthur ClarkeThis night methinks is but the daylight sick. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"This was the most unkindest cut of all. -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"To be or not to be. -- ShakespeareTo do is to be. -- NietzscheTo be is to do. -- SartreDo be do be do. -- SinatraToo much is just enough. -- Mark Twain, on whiskeyTraining is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower isnothing but cabbage with a college edu...Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. -- Mark TwainUnless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tonguesof bawds, and dials the signs of leapin...Wagner's music is better than it sounds. -- Mark TwainWater, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. -- Mark TwainWe know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of thebee, but we know nothing at all about...We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that isin it - and stay there, lest we be like t...We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there wasalso a terrible betrayal that lay wit...Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realizedthat like most books, it had too many ...What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature? -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"What I tell you three times is true. -- Lewis CarrollWhat no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is workingwhen he's staring out the window.When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have goneto a better world, I am moved to le...When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happenedor not; but my faculties are decaying now a...When in doubt, tell the truth. -- Mark TwainWhen one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. -- Dylan ThomasWhen you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the lastyou are going to see of him until he emerges ...Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is timeto reform. -- Mark TwainWhoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debtof gratitude we owe to Adam, the fir...Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because weare not the person involved. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. -- Mark TwainWrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. -- Mark TwainWriting is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper untildrops of blood form on your forehead. -- Gene FowlerWriting is turning one's worst moments into money. -- J.P. Donleavy"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive." -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet" "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?" "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --" ...You may my glories and my state dispose,But not my griefs; still am I king of those. -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond theobvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solic...You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the nightto write. -- Saul BellowYou see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little emptyattic, and you have to stock it with such...You tread upon my patience. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of theAbernetty family was first brought to my notice by th...Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is notoriginal and the part that is original is not good. -- Samuel JohnsonZounds! I was never so bethumped with wordssince I first called my brother's father dad. -- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"The mind is its own place, and in itselfCan make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n. -- John Milton"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying. Theabsurdity of the statement made me want to ...A morgue is a morgue is a morgue. They can paint the walls with aggressivelycheerful primary colors and splashy ..."What's this? Trix? Aunt! Trix? You? You're after the prize! Whatis it?" He picked up the box and studied ..."Good afternoon, madam. How may I help you?""Good afternoon. I'd like a FrintArms HandCannon, please.""A--? Oh...A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutualstoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous.A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers. It was clearly platoonic.Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones,as the wind blows out candles and fans fires. -- La RochefoucauldAbsence in love is like water upon fire; a little quickens, but muchextinguishes it. -- Hannah MoreAll the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the mostridiculous ones. -- La RochefoucauldAlways there remain portions of our heart into which no one is able to enter,invite them as we may.Bondage maybe, discipline never! -- T.K.Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight acquaintanceand without any visible reason. -- Lord ChesterfieldDon't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.Falling in Love When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall inlove. You can tell you're in lo...Falling in love is a lot like dying. You never get to do it enough tobecome good at it.Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."Mai...Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. -- St. AugustineGod is love, but get it in writing. -- Gypsy Rose Lee"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mentaleffort, he could probably turn the activity...He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won'tencounter many rivals. -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. -- The Wizard of OzHEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to tell a lie. Millions o...His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.How much does she love you? Less than you'll ever know.I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. -- John DonneI can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, and provide temporaryrelief to nymphomaniacs. -- Larry LeeI don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations. -- Jean AnouilhI love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last. -- Elvis CostelloI love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. -- Roy CroftI loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might commitsome act so atrocious that the worl...I never loved another person the way I loved myself. -- Mae WestI think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forwardor it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark. -- Woody AllenI used to be Snow White, but I drifted. -- Mae WestI used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supremefoolishness. I no longer thought that. The..."I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've gotto undo it.""I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat.""I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore.""I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'""I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender.""I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door.""I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch fromJulian to Gregorian.""I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for staticcling.""I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered.""I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on mycottage cheese sculpture.""I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.""I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.""I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night.""I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.""I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back.""I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay tuned.""I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues thatneed worrying about."I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton" "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearingmeans I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamor...If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? -- Lily TomlinIf Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low -- Book title by Lewis GrizzardIf only you knew she loved you, you could face the uncertainty ofwhether you love her.If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call.If you love someone, set them free.If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that theother really likes. -- Elizabeth AshleyIn an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing tobe in love with somebody else is an admis...In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original. -- BrutonIn real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love youwant the other person. -- Margaret AndersonIt is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybodywho sits down and considers just how many p...Let us live!!!Let us love!!!Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!You first.Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.Let's not complicate our relationship by trying to communicate with each other.Lonely is a man without love. -- Englebert HumperdinckLove -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices theworld has ever seen.Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. -- Sigmund FreudLove conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)Love is a grave mental disease. -- PlatoLove is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flipsover, pinning you underneath. At night the ic...Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come andgo as it wills, freely, for it will do so any...Love is being stupid together. -- Paul ValeryLove is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passedaround freely, not spooned down someone's ...Love is in the offing. -- The Homicidal ManiacLove is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, verypretty, often hot and fierce, but still ...Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. -- Jerome K. JeromeLove is never asking why?Love is not enough, but it sure helps.Love is sentimental measles.Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. -- M. HirschfieldLove is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. -- Saint ExuperyLove is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. MenckenLove IS what it's cracked up to be.Love is what you've been through with somebody. -- James ThurberLove isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.Love means never having to say you're sorry. -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"Love tells us many things that are not so. -- Krainian ProverbMay your SO always know when you need a hug."Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found eachother, and loved each other... and then ...Most people don't need a great deal of love nearly so much as they needa steady supply.My cup hath runneth'd over with love.Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset. -- Clare Booth Luce "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was sosimple, really. "I didn't, for a long time,...Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.Of course it's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well. -- Charles BukowskiOh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has onearch-enemy -- and that is life. -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on a surtout peur de souffrirou de faire souffrir. [One is always a little...Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beingsinfinite distances continue to exist, ...One expresses well the love he does not feel. -- J.A. KarrPeople think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. -- Ken KeseyReally?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn. -- N.V. PlyterSometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.Sorry never means having your say to love.Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently thesedays, in books and plays and movies, is t...Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,that no one could have loved so before us...That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone whonever comes home. Always someone loving... The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is timefor Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop neck...The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled today.The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. -- Blaise PascalThe heart is wiser than the intellect.The little pieces of my life I give to you, with love, to make a quiltto keep away the cold.The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end. -- Benjamin DisraeliThe myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with theperfect partner, you're home free. Unfor...The only difference in the game of love over the last few thousand yearsis that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds. -- The Indianapolis StarThe onset and the waning of love make themselves felt in the uneasinessexperienced at being alone together. -- Jean de la BruyereThe perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M. -- Charles PierceThe person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,and sixth years.The story of the butterfly: "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,a long time ago. I wa...The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --Scratch a lover and find a foe! -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plantsand animals. When exposed to light the...There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none. -- Paul BourgetThere's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.Timing must be perfect now. Two-timing must be better than perfect.To be loved is very demoralizing. -- Katharine HepburnTo fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already threeparts dead. -- Bertrand RussellTotal strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.True happiness will be found only in true love.Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it can wait.Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. -- Marie Ebner von EschenbachWhat is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires an accomplice. -- Charles BaudelaireWhen your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemnThey will bind you with love that is graceful and g...Why I Can't Go Out With You:I'd LOVE to, but ... -- I have to floss my cat. -- I've dedicated my life to linguini...Why I Can't Go Out With You:I'd LOVE to, but... -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. -- None of my s...Why I Can't Go Out With You:I'd LOVE to, but... -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. -- I have to si...Why I Can't Go Out With You:I'd LOVE to, but... -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. -- I'm...Why I Can't Go Out With You:I'd LOVE to, but... -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. -- I promise..."Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to loveyou knowing nothing?" -- Lloyd Cole and the CommotionsWithout love intelligence is dangerous;without intelligence love is not enough. -- Ashley MontaguWouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were a turn-on? -- "Broadcast News"Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, but they won't goout with you if you don't have any.You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh. -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"A Thaum is the basic unit of magical strength. It has been universallyestablished as the amount of magic needed ..."A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,let alone discuss with prospective cl...An ancient proverb summed it up: when a wizard is tired of looking forbroken glass in his dinner, it ran, he is t...Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they become soggy and hard tolight.Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, for they are subtle andquick to anger."Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and goodwith ketchup."Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. -- Aleister CrowleyEight was also the Number of Bel-Shamharoth, which was why a sensible wizardwould never mention the number if he ..."How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraidto let her touch you? I saw you. Y...It is a well known fact that warriors and wizards do not get along, becauseone side considers the other side to b...It is well known that *things* from undesirable universes are always seekingan entrance into this one, which is t... It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise shipsfor a few years. He doesn't have to change...Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost. -- Aleister CrowleyMagic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriouslycramp his style.Rincewind had generally been considered by his tutors to be a natural wizardin the same way that fish are natural...Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of theHebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing"."The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving yourhands and hoping when a rock or a club will do." -- McCloctnik the Lucid The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as hereported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet ... "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use iswizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gr...There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells andfades over the surface of the earth, col...Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something aboutproblems with the plumbing, but the real rea...Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef. -- Tom Robbins "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past yearstrange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fiel...Watch Rincewind.Look at him. Scrawny, like most wizards, and clad in a dark red robe onwhich a few mystic sigils...What is a magician but a practising theorist? -- Obi-Wan KenobiWhat use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.I will then say the magic words to you, a...A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. Involvement with t...A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. You must belie...A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. You should consider it ...A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the womaninquired, "that the medication the doct...A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I havesome bad news," says the doctor, "and so...A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neitherphysically defective nor morally degrading, and t...A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctorcame to her and said, "I have some... ...After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claming that he was crippled and woul...After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something thatbrought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." -- Ronnie ShakesAnyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -- Samuel GoldwynAquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essentialingredient in what I was once told is the N... As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapyfor more than 15 percent of their life span...At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad newsto the patients. The doctor tells the...Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a longwalk with an empty stomach and otherwise mor...Cure the disease and kill the patient. -- Francis BaconDeath has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.Dental health is next to mental health.Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?Simple coincidence?Maybe...For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire lifeto date. He has had his pajamas on fo...Fortune's Exercising Truths:1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.2. Aerobic exer...[From an announcement of a congress of the International OntopsychologyAssociation, in Rome]:The Ontopsychologica...God is dead and I don't feel all too well either.... -- Ralph Moonen"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.Happiness is good health and a bad memory. -- Ingrid BergmanHealth is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dyingof nothing. -- Redd FoxxHis ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. -- P.G. WodehouseHuman cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.Ignoring his department chief, and tying ...I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. -- Chauncey DepewI got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors werewearing masks for. -- James Boren "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." "Did you ever see a doctor?" "No, just spots."If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,and (c) gets better, then no power ... If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction. On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,...If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.It produces a false impression. -- Oscar Wilde.It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of findinga sickness you like. -- Jackie MasonIt's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it'swhat you're taking for it...Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean heknows what it is.Laetrile is the pits.My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.Neurotics build castles in the sky,Psychotics live in them,And psychiatrists collect the rent.Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. -- Erma BombeckNew England Life, of course. Why do you ask? page 46...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount SinaiMedical Center in New York, which...Paralysis through analysis.Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, but left to itself,a cold will hang on for a week. -- Darrell HuffPsychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'shortcomings. -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself a therapy. -- Karl KrausPsychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. -- C.G. JungPsychology. Mind over matter. Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.Never mind.Pushing 30 is exercise enough.Pushing 40 is exercise enough.Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away. -- Robert OrbenSigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.Some people need a good imaginary cure for their painful imaginary ailment.Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overloadand burnout, keep stress out of your li...The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy."... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..." -- Dave Barry"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care ofthemselves," the old man said, no longer to ...The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agreethat 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.The real reason psychology is hard is that psychologists are trying todo the impossible.The reason they're called wisdom teeth is that the experience makes you wise.The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard todeal with: death. -- Michael PhelpsThe Vet Who Surprised A Cow In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinarysurgeon was required to...We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an officialname, but if it does, it must be somethin... "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, willyou go into the auto-suggestion booth and take...When a lot of remedies are suggested for a disease, that means it can'tbe cured. -- Anton Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of...94% of the women in America are beautiful and the rest hang out around here.A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman outof a divorce. -- Don QuinnA bachelor is an unaltared male.A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beautyand a boy for ever. -- Helen RowlandA bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shootthe horse, but it don't fix the leg.A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, andpurgatory for the purse. A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke. -- KiplingA beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad. -- EmersonA boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importanceof turning around three times before lying down. -- Robert BenchleyA boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. -- John SteinbeckA Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticeda very charming woman staring admirin...A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischiefas your goal. There are too many wom...A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. -- Robert FrostA diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to rememberyour birthday when you never look any older?" A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back fromhis honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stoodwaiting for a taxi. "Hi," said the gent...A fool and his honey are soon parted.A fox is a wolf who sends flowers. -- Ruth WestonA gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on. -- Evan Esar [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on. -- Fred AllenA girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- s...A girl with a future avoids the man with a past. -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"A girl's best friend is her mutter. -- Dorothy ParkerA girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--it merely keeps her from enjoying it.A good man always knows his limitations. -- Harry CallahanA good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband. -- Michel de MontaigneA guy has to get fresh once in a while so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen RowlandA lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. -- Lillian DayA man always needs to remember one thing about a beautiful woman.Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but afterthat begins to bunch them. -- MenckenA man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,who swore how much they were in love. T...A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. Afterthat it's cheating. -- Yves MontandA man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. -- Du BoisA man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. -- Brendan FrancisA man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. -- Richard ThompsonA man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything. -- Samuel JohnsonA man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have aterrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard an...A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given hersome basic instructions, they agreed to...A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questionshe is able to answer. -- Ronald ColmanA man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after alate card games. "You wouldn't believe what ...A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly, "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee,...A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," hesays, "I really trust my wife, and I ...A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.A man's gotta know his limitations. -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, is the most tremendous objectin the whole creation. -- GoldsmithA mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another womanmakes a fool of him in twenty minutes. -- FrostA pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. -- Gloria SteinemA pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questionsyour wife asks you for nothing. -- Joey Adams A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all thesestops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "I...A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to. -- Overheard in an algebra lecture.A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, whodemanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she no... A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.As he neared the far curb, he noticed two y...A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feministthought today, because a major tendency...A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing theconsequences and implications of a married man's...A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there*for the rest of your life*. -- Jim SamuelsA woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if itwere quite a struggle. -- Edna FerberA woman can never be too rich or too thin.A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable. -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"A woman forgives the audacity of which her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. -- LeSageA woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to bethankful for a good one. -- Marjorie Kinnan RawlingsA woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, she follows. -- ChamfortA woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. -- NietzscheA woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand timesover for her lover, but will break with him...A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume. -- Maurine LewisA woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. -- Gloria SteinemA woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.A woman's best protection is a little money of her own. -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything,should conceal it as well as she can. -- Jane Austen A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just alittle pebble on the beach. The marriage coun...A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotteda beautiful diamond ring in a jewel...A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening andwalks up to a display case full of pea...AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but bring me a message from a young man. -- Moms MableyAlimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of themcontinues to pay for it. -- Peggy JoyceAlimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. -- Arthur BaerAlimony is the curse of the writing classes. -- Norman MailerAll heiresses are beautiful. -- John DrydenAll husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tellthem apart.All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.Definitely a dog.All the men on my staff can type. -- Bella AbzugAll work and no pay makes a housewife.American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promiseis going to own one and want to travel g... An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the sametime. One was named Edith; the other named Ka...An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.A pessimist is a married optimist."And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he cameupon his wife in bed with another man. ...And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; tohave questioned her, that she might have o...Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send outphotographs of their families every year. I...Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look stupid. -- Hedy LamarrAny woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. -- Groucho Marx "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his bestto make the lady and gentleman comfortable in ...As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; andconsidering the general run of sons, as se...Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, shesaid, "Like a pig in mud," or words to t...At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie. -- Strange de JimBachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect. -- Nicolas ChamfortBasically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'dcome in and sink my boats. -- Woody AllenBe circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better to be seen atthe opera with a man than at mass with a woman. -- De MaintenonBe prepared to accept sacrifices. Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriagethey are "Let's eat out."Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersometo the pregnant woman at the cockta...Being owned by someone used to be called slavery -- now it's called commitment.Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut?Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.Benny Hill: You won...Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as blacknightgowns do with keeping warm. -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at leastwhen they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. -- James ThurberBoys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. -- Kin HubbardBrigands will demand your money or your life, but a woman will demand both. -- Samuel ButlerBy all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if youget a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- SocratesChanging husbands/wives is only changing troubles. -- Kathleen NorrisChoose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as a friend if shewere a man. -- JoubertCourtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. -- William CongreveDarling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of theopposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. -- Oliver HerfordDear Miss Manners:I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance ofrain. May I ask a...Dear Miss Manners:Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.Gentle Reader:Please li...Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the firststep. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you. -- DeGourmontDo you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so longtogether if ever we had been married?Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she mayhave got him.Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom. Probably soon after she throws me out.Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. -- Scottish ProverbDull women have immaculate homes. During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffetluncheon at which cold fried chicken was ser...Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the leastprinciple draw the most interest.Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. -- Jackie Mason... eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of hisoriginal joy his falling in love with Ada. -- Nabokov Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistantprofessor; equality is when a female schlemiel ... Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.At an evening reception which he attended with h..."Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feelingjust a bit unchivalrous ..." -- Robert BenchleyEvery man who is high up likes to think that he has done it all himself,and the wife smiles and lets it go at that. -- BarrieEverybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, andif you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns morestressful than divorce. -- Wall Street JournalFeminists just want the human race to be a tie.First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no reallyself-respecting woman would take advanta...Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself. -- Helen RowlandFor a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all. -- Diogenes, asked when a man should marryWhen should a ...For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all. -- Diogenes, asked when a man should marryWhen should a ...For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!but with break of day I went to make supplication. -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.When his wife died his friends believed ...Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14Low Blows: Let's say a man and woman are watching a b...FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a re...FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17Shoes: The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: runn...FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2Desserts: A woman will generally admire an ornate dess...FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4Clothes: Men don't discard clothes. The average man s...FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5Trust: The average woman would really like to be told ...FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a to...FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it m...FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man... Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance."What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place." Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their engagement, but Frank had a ready explanatio... FROM THE DESK OF RapunzelDear Prince: Use ladder tonight -- you're splitting my ends.Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband'sold girl friend. -- Gifts for Men --Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional icehockey is so popula...Girls are better looking in snowstorms. -- Archie GoodwinGirls marry for love. Boys marry because of a chronic irritation thatcauses them to gravitate in the direction o...Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for yourself!Girls who throw themselves at men, are actually taking very careful aim.Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.God created a few perfect heads. The rest he covered with hair.God created woman. And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --but many other things ceased as well. Woman was God's second mistake. -- NietzscheGood girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the22-year-old beauty remark that he was to...Hat check girl: "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"Mae West: "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie." -- "Night After Night", 1932Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin in theAntarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over...He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool. -- BalzacHe who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of thenight, but he who is intoxicated by the c...Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you weregonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?High heels are a device invented by a woman who was tired of being kissedon the forehead.Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."Him: "Really? That's inc...His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to roba lady of her fortune by way of marriage. -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones""Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. -- Samuel ButlerHorace's best ode would not please a young woman as much as the mediocreverses of the young man she is in love with. -- MooreHow much for your women? I want to buy your daughter... how much forthe little girl? -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers" "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexysocial climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porschefull of money before."I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence. -- Samuel JohnsonI began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for theperfect woman. I believed that if I looked ...I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if hehas income and she is pattable. -- Ogden NashI can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitutedancing on the bar in a spangled dres...I can't mate in captivity. -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married.I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a womangot pregnant, someone left town. -- Michael PrichardI do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one."I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds ofpeople waiting to abuse me." -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spiritwas wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty w...I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up. -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters.I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility andto discharge my duties as king as I wou...I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,and for this reason: I can never be satisfied ...I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; whenyou won't, they set their hearts upon you of thei...I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says theydidn't is just lyin'! -- Willie NelsonI like being single. I'm always there when I need me. -- Art LeoI like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull that kidnappedEuropa. -- Marcus Tullius CiceroI like young girls. Their stories are shorter. -- Tom McGuaneI love being married. It's so great to find that one special personyou want to annoy for the rest of your life. -- Rita RudnerI love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known. -- Walt Disney I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he dislikedme to cry. This time he said, watching me, "On s...I married beneath me. All women do. -- Lady Nancy AstorI met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything. -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in theplaces they do today. -- Will RogersI never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic. To seethe sights I'm never going to visit.I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist onbelieving that some men are my equals. -- Brigid BrophyI respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that everywoman should marry -- and no man. -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... and thennatural selection reared its ugly head.I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so desperatelyanxious to do the wrong thing correctly. -- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up toremain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after. -- ChickI want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanch...I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad. -- FreudI was in a beauty contest one. I not only came in last, I was hit inthe mouth by Miss Congeniality. -- Phyllis DillerI wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. -- Chico MarxI will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a newone every day. -- HeineI would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, only they won't let meraise my voice. -- WinkleI wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had. -- Brenda StarrI'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. -- W.C. FieldsI'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to match the men. -- George EliotI'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,like pigeons and Catholics. -- Woody AllenI've been in more laps than a napkin. -- Mae WestI've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're notlike other men. Their spirit is great ...If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. -- Tallulah BankheadIf I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable. -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there wouldbe fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies. -- Frances RodmanIf someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I wouldsuggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobr...If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that youcan't afford divorce. -- Jack NicholsonIf we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it. -- Oscar WildeIf women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at thebeginning of our menstrual cycle, when the fem...If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. -- Aristotle OnassisIf you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. -- Anton ChekhovIf you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is nolonger interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal. -- Abigail Van BurenIf you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man whocheats on his wife. -- Ann LandersIf you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.If you want me to be a good little bunny just dangle some carats in frontof my nose. -- Lauren BacallIf you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman. -- MicheletIf you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separatebooks. -- Alan KingIf you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to everyword you say, talk in your sleep.If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore furboots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him. -- Anton ChekhovIn buying horses and taking a wife shut your eyes tight and commendyourself to God.In Christianity, a man may have only one wife. This is called Monotony.In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- a practice which isstill continued. -- Helen RowlandIn the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man noticed a very prim and pretty girl s...Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very sametoken it is the shortest detour to marriage. -- Wilson MiznerIs a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from thebeginning of the world, that such as are in the ins...Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their livesavoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing t...It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despairto get in, and those within despair of getting out. -- Michel Eyquem de MontaigneIt did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously wouldinterest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings...It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find outnext morning it was someone else. -- Will RogersIt has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may bemost happily married and continue in ... It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents willnot be pleased with this plan, because th...It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. Thisis untrue. Any partnership demands t...It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:love does not lie in the ear. -- WalpoleIt is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to hiswife in public. It always makes people th...It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something fordessert. The answer is yes, she would lik...It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort tomathematics, though she is still for...It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. -- Maimie Van DorenIt takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicestsince the middle of my marriage. There ...It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely countryroad. Anxious to find shelter for th...It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded. -- Tim ConwayIt's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anythingon earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married."It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."It's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep.It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts. -- Mae WestIt's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time. -- Tallulah Bankhead It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women withbad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins. Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I'...Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannotremember any time when I did not exer...Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is pres...Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you. -- Mae WestKeep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way you walkacross the room; remain their lover, and...Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. -- Benjamin FranklinKissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond andsapphire bracelet lasts for ever. -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"Lady Nancy Astor: "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?Lank: We've done it. Ea...Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance canbe tolerated only in race horses and women. -- Lord KelvinLet thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely. -- Benjamin FranklinLet's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In everyrelationship that exists, people have to se...Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward. -- Miss November, 1966Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of societybeing at all relevant to women, there ...Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate butcertain not to find her. Drop me a note. ...Life's too short to dance with ugly women.Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate the difference between oneyoung woman and another. -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands lookingfor girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. -- Alan McKayLittle girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. -- Lazarus LongLonely men seek companionship. Lonely women sit at home and wait.They never meet.Lots of girls can be had for a song. Unfortunately, it often turns out tobe the wedding march.Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the realwith the ideal never goes unpunished. -- GoetheLove is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. -- Dr. Karl BowmanLove is the delusion that one woman differs from another. -- H.L. MenckenLove makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles. -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"Macho does not prove mucho. -- Zsa Zsa GaborMan and wife make one fool.Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he wouldnot have chosen a suit by it. -- Maurice ChevalierMany a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying thewhole girl. -- Stephen LeacockMany a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage witha woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.But she can never catch him at it.Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art ofinsincerity possible between two human beings. -- Vicki BaumMarriage causes dating problems.Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm not ready for an institution yet. -- Mae WestMarriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd besurprised at the large number that re-enlist. -- James GarnerMarriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. -- Roger PriceMarriage is an institution in which two undertake to become one, and oneundertakes to become nothing.Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beerexactly to his taste he should at once t...Marriage is learning about women the hard way.Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating withchopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. -- BaskinsMarriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing theburden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place. -- Calvin TrillinMarriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- VoltaireMarriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife wouldhave preferred.Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle. -- Edmond AboutMarriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth. -- John LylyMarry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.Matrimony is the root of all evil.Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them. -- Marilyn MonroeMen are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. -- Jayne MansfieldMen aren't attracted to me by my mind. They're attracted by what Idon't mind... -- Gypsy Rose LeeMen have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry later;for another thing they die earlier. -- H.L. MenckenMen have as exaggerated an idea of their rights as women have of their wrongs. -- E.W. HoweMen live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses. -- Dorothy ParkerMen of quality are not afraid of women for equality.Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them. -- DeSegurMen seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.Men who cherish for women the highest respect are seldom popular with them. -- Joseph AddisonMen's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazinesalso often feature pictures of naked la...Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote. Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then hiswife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.Moe: So?Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any twothings we have. -- The Best of Will RogersMoney is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well. -- Lazarus LongMonogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses. -- H.H. Munro... most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probablyuseless, for somehow, despite the seve...My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change him,like a bank note, for two twenties.Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy. -- Linda FestaNever argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.And never lie down with a woman who's g...Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. -- Nelson AlgrenNever tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walksin on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat o...New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age,and his wife most often reminds him to act it. -- Webster's Unafraid DictionaryNo friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman. -- LandorNo man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lostinterest in hair restorers. -- Austin O'MalleyNo modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to anunmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway. -- Arthur BinsteadNo one knows like a woman how to say things that are at once gentle and deep. -- HugoNo self-made man ever did such a good job that some woman didn'twant to make some alterations. -- Kim HubbardNo woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whethershe will or will not be a mother. -- Margaret H. SangerNo woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner. -- Lord Thomas DewarNo woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion ofhim than he deserves. -- Edgar Watson HoweNobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.And then it's too late.Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due tothe capitalist mode of production. -- Herbert MarcuseOf all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. -- PlatoOf course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only betweenhusband and wife.Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her. -- Vanbrugh Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll through the woods. All at once she saw an ext... Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knightsin a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a... One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling...One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"One is not born a woman, one becomes one. -- Simone de BeauvoirOne man's folly is another man's wife. -- Helen RowlandOne should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. -- Oscar WildeOnly two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women. People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,these days, in selecting the proper words to refer...Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from thefarm-yard except that children are more troubles...Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some menshould be happier than others. -- Oscar WildeSally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings with me.Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're ...Scientists still know less about what attracts men than they do aboutwhat attracts mosquitoes. -- Dr. Joyce Brothers, "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking good. -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"She been married so many times she got rice marks all over her face. -- Tom WaitsShe is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. -- Gypsy Rose LeeShe just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few years, enjoyedherself, gave it a sort of beautiful ...She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them were bad.She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you couldhave poured on a waffle ...She's learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time puttinginto words.She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. -- Mae WestSo many beautiful women and so little time. -- John BarrymoreSo many men; so little time.So many women; so little nerve.So many women; so little time! "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you mightwant to go to someplace, you know, with me, someti...Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right places! -- Mae WestSome men are so interested in their wives' continued happiness that theyhire detectives to find out the reason for it.Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit. -- Maureen MurphySome men feel that the only thing they owe the woman who marries themis a grudge. -- Helen RowlandSome of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. -- Gloria SteinemSometimes a cigar is just a cigar. -- Sigmund FreudSometimes, when I think of what that girl means to me, it's all I can doto keep from telling her. -- Andy CappStanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but itneeds a very clever woman to manage a fool. -- KiplingTehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to. -- Geoffrey ChaucerThat woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. -- Dorothy ParkerThe advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl onedoes not need to grieve over having an ugl...The anger of a woman is the greatest evil with which you can threaten yourenemies. -- BonnardThe average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knowsthat the average man can see much better than he can think. -- Ladies' Home JournalThe average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certaindisdain; he is anything but her ideal. I...The best man for the job is often a woman.The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected company arrives,all you have to do is straighten your tie.The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permittedthemselves to be so totally eclipsed by the...The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, andsometimes three. -- Alexandre DumasThe days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book. The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you wit...The difference between legal separation and divorce is that legalseparation gives the man time to hide his money.The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistanceof the woman. -- Honor'e DeBalzacThe eternal feminine draws us upward. -- GoetheThe first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,and the second the triumph of hope over experience.The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't evenremember her first husband.The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear. -- Sophia LorenThe gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave himlove and he invented marriage.The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce. -- J.K. Galbraith The heaviest object in the world is the body of the woman you have ceasedto love. -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers VauvenarguesThe honeymoon is not actually over until we cease to stifle our sighsand begin to stifle our yawns. -- Helen RowlandThe honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper andshe's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator. -- Bill LawrenceThe husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons thatwhat she doesn't know won't hurt him. -- Leo J. BurkeThe little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love. -- DeGourmontThe majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin. -- Honor'e DeBalzacThe man who understands one woman is qualified to understand pretty welleverything. -- YeatsThe mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"The most dangerous food is wedding cake. -- American proverbThe most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the unionof a deaf man to a blind woman. -- Samuel Taylor ColeridgeThe most important thing in a relationship between a man and a womanis that one of them be good at taking orders. -- Linda FestaThe most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two adopted children. -- Paul EhrlichThe one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity. -- Oscar WildeThe only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best methodfor getting acquainted. -- Heywood BrounThe only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noiseof his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock. -- ColetteThe perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,but a man who will shoulder burdens equ...The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is whysome people feel there is no God. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers inhis courtship dance and imitates Winston C...The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft voice, sweet speech,wisdom, needlework, and chastity. -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing-- and then marry him. -- CherThe truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true.The two things that can get you into trouble quicker than anything elseare fast women and slow horses.The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a greatdeal of money. The woman who gives herself takes all your time. -- BalzacThere are a few things that never go out of style, and a feminine womanis one of them. -- RalstonThere are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there'sthe marriage, then children and final...There are three things I have always loved and never understood --art, music, and women.There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them,or turn them into literature. -- Stephen StillsThere are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- beforemarriage and after marriage.There goes the good time that was had by all. -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starletThere is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but itis never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. -- Helen RowlandThere is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the toolsto attain, nor any power so secure that t...There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only the ones who donot know how to make themselves attractive. -- Christian DiorThere is not much to choose between a woman who deceives us for another,and a woman who deceives another for ourselves. -- AugierThere is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk. -- Robert HeinleinThere's nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes.There's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man appreciatehis wife. -- Clare Booth LuceThere's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you canalways see somebody who did worse. -- Warren H. GoldsmithThere's one fool at least in every married couple.There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learnwhat it is I'll get married again. -- Clint EastwoodThere's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear. -- Richard Le GallienneThis guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up yourbags! I just won the California lottery!...'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents. -- H.L. MenckenTo be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who should demandmore from her? You don't want a rose to sing. -- ThackerayTo be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her jobthan a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man. -- Golda MeirTo err is human -- but it feels divine. -- Mae WestTo find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. -- Benjamin FranklinTo many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation. -- St. AugustineTo our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet. -- 19th century toastToday when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a cheeringsquad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a boarder.Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. -- Mae WestTrust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in yourown name. -- Joan RiversTwenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but twenty years ofmarriage make her something like a public building. -- Oscar WildeTwo sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.I forget the second.Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world. -- Richard ArmourValerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... -- Tom ChapinVery few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after theceremony has been performed. Primarily...We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were marriedfor four and a half years. -- Nick FaldoWe're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talkphilosophy, executing both with confidence and style.Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. -- John HeywoodWedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal rights. -- Dwight D. EisenhowerWhat a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not tounderstand what a misfortune it is. -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855.What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin. -- Jerry Lester "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenagerasked her mother. "Encouragement, dear," she replied.What nonsense people talk about happy marriages! A man can be happy withany woman so long as he doesn't love her. -- Oscar WildeWhat passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man'stransparency. -- George NathanWhat publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. It'scorporate feminism -- a brand of feminism...Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought halfas good. Luckily this is not difficult. -- Charlotte WhittonWhen a girl can read the handwriting on the wall, she may be in the wrongrest room.When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for theinattentions of one. -- Helen RowlandWhen a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let himkeep her. -- Sacha GuitryWhen a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it. -- DonnayWhen a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. -- Oscar WildeWhen choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've nevertried before. -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it. -- Charles Merrill SmithWhen God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As towhy he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's. -- DeGourmontWhen I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the idealwoman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she ...When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better. -- Mae WestWhen it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was, ather request, moved to a different room. ...When one knows women one pities men, but when one studies men,one excuses women. -- Horne TookeWhen the candles are out all women are fair. -- PlutarchWhen the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to askif he could stay the night. The farm...When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary. -- BalzacWhen two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane,most delusive, and most transient of pas...When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. -- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae"When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when they donot love us, they give us credit for...When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else. -- David Pryce-JonesWhen you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... whenyou're living with someone it's fantastic ... t...Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my childrento spend their weekends with? -- Rita RudnerWhere's the man could ease a heart like a satin gown? -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. Why a manwould want *___two* wives is a bigamystery.Why isn't there some cheap and easy way to prove how much she means to me?Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said? -- Tom RyanWith the end of the football season, a star player for the college teamcelebrated the relaxation of team curfew b...Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -- DumasWoman was God's second mistake. -- NietzscheWoman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; norout of his feet, to be trampled under by ...Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool. -- CervantesWomen are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: once make 'emwives, and they lean their backs agai...Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it from charity,or revenge? -- Gustave VapereauWomen are just like men, only different.Women are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn'twant to own one. -- W.C. FieldsWomen are not much, but they are the best other sex we have. -- HeroldWomen are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. -- StephensWomen aren't as mere as they used to be. -- PogoWomen can keep a secret just as well as men, but it takes more of themto do it.Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into twocategories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much. -- Ann LandersWomen give themselves to God when the Devil wants nothing more to do with them. -- ArnouldWomen give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly; but theyinvariably want it back in such very small change. -- Oscar WildeWomen in love consist of a little sighing, a little crying, a little dying-- and a good deal of lying. -- AnseyWomen reason with the heart and are much less often wrong than men whoreason with the head. -- DeLescureWomen sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity, but never a manwho misses one. -- Charles De Talleyrand-PerigordWomen treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship us and arealways bothering us to do something for them. -- Oscar WildeWomen want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tellthem what the limits are. The only thing ...Women waste men's lives and think they have indemnified them by a fewgracious words. -- Honor'e de BalzacWomen who want to be equal to men lack imagination.Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; not because they arepretty, or good, or well-bred, or gracef...Women's virtue is man's greatest invention. -- Cornelia Otis SkinnerWomen, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revengeas good as any other. -- Philippe De RemiWomen, when they are not in love, have all the cold blood of an experienced attorney. -- Honor'e de BalzacWomen, when they have made a sheep of a man, always tell him that he is alion with a will of iron. -- Honor'e de Balzac "You are *so* lovely." "Yes." "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothingforbids you to reflect that she is growing ...You ask what a nice girl will do? She won't give an inch, but she won'tsay no. -- Marcus Valerius MartialisYou can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. Butif you have a woman as a friend, you're go...You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly -- only sooner than she thought you would.You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married and few wordsin your sleep to get divorced.You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called meat work and asked me how you change a ...You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, thenext minute our brains have us marrie...You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your daughterfor camp clothes, and there are ce...You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,are now extinct. -- M. Somerset MaughamYou lived with a man who wore white belts? Laura, I'm disappointed in you. -- Remington SteeleYou think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother."You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus." -- Swamp Thing Young men and young women may work systematically six days in theweek and rise fresh in the morning, but let the...Young men want to be faithful and are not; old men want to be faithless andcannot. -- Oscar WildeYouth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.1 bulls, 3 cows.$3,000,000.40 isn't old. If you're a tree. A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make along-distance caw.A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! [From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!] -- Medieval prayerA log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the mengets out and goes into the office. "I n...A prediction is worth twenty explanations. -- K. Brecher A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,"This is a parson to parson call."A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that naturereplaces it with. -- Tennessee Williams A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,and her first name by her mother. By the ...According to my best recollection, I don't remember. -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" AloAdults die young.African violet: Such worth is rareApple blossom: PreferenceBachelor's button: CelibacyBay leaf: I change but i...Age is a tyrant who forbids, at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.Agree with them now, it will save so much time.Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It excites me to...acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.All phone calls are obscene. -- Karen Elizabeth GordonAll the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. -- Grant WoodAm I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.AMAZING BUT TRUE ... If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.AMAZING BUT TRUE ... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. -- Isaac Asimov... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.And I alone am returned to wag the tail.Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient toexactly the point of most pressure. -- Milt BarberAny time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.Are we not men?As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."Avec!BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from thefloor -- especially in the dark.Batteries not included.BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)BE ALOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life beginwhen you get what you want.Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad. -- Honor'e de BalzacBiggest security gap -- an open mouth.Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.Blue paint today. [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]Boy! Eucalyptus!Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai! "But Huey, you PROMISED!" "Tell 'em I lied."But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. -- Charles SpurgeonCF&C stole it, fair and square. -- Tim Hahn Chapter VIIIDue to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, SalvatoreQuanucci was suddenly squirted o...Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.Confucius say too much. -- Recent Chinese ProverbCongratulations are in order for Tom Reid.He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of theYear award.Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.Custer committed Siouxicide."Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches!" -- MomDeath to all fanatics!Depart in pieces, i.e., split.Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.Did I say 2? I lied.Did it ever occur to you that fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?Did you hear about the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?Did you know ...That no-one ever reads these things?"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such aconventional thing to happen to him." -- John Barrymore's dying wordsDignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm. -- Roy MengotDime is money.Do not underestimate the power of the Force.Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent nativeword "lies". -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"Do people know you have freckles everywhere?Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? "Do you believe in intuition?" "No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will."Do you have lysdexia?Do YOU have redeeming social value?Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?Don't force it, get a larger hammer. -- AnthonyDon't guess -- check your security regulations.Don't I know you?Don't let your status become too quo!Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key.Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac; you can always take something for it.Double!Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.Dr. Livingston?Dr. Livingston I. Presume?Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.Drop that pickle!Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. -- The AdventurerDuckies are fun!Ducks? What ducks??Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence. During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She hadhim arrested for carrying a congealed weapo...Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.Dyslexics have more fnu.DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." -- Jeff BernerEditing is a rewording activity.Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. -- Adlai StevensonEvents are not affected, they develop. -- Sri AurobindoEver wonder why fire engines are red?Because newspapers are read too.Two and Two is four.Four and four is eight.E...Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.Every time you manage to close the door on Reality, it comes in through thewindow.Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. -- BeckettEverything bows to success, even grammar.Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".Everything might be different in the present if only one thing hadbeen different in the past.Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.Everything should be built top-down, except this time.Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful. -- Erwin TomashEverything you know is wrong!Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. -- Aldous HuxleyFacts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles. -- Sven Italla "Fantasies are free." "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.Fats Loves Madelyn.Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupunctureon a rock. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck. -- Adolfo GuzmanFlame on! -- Johnny StormFly me away to the bright side of the moon ...For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers. -- Titus Lucretius CarusForce it!!!If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): Don't Write On Walls! (and underneath) You want I should type?Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: "of course you knowwhat 'it' means." "I know what 'it' means well ...From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached. -- F. KafkaFurious activity is no substitute for understanding. -- H.H. WilliamsGeneral notions are generally wrong. -- Lady M.W. MontaguGive me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a placeto stand, and I will drain the world.GIVE UP!!!!Given my druthers, I'd druther not.Gloffing is a state of mine.Go 'way! You're bothering me!Go away, I'm all right. -- H.G. Wells' last words.Go climb a gravity well!Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world... -- Wally ShawnGod is Dead. -- NietzscheNietzsche is Dead. -- GodNietzsche is God. -- DeadGod isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal. -- Samuel ButlerGod, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.Happy feast of the pig!Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. -- Daniel DennettHave at you!Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you. -- Albert Einstein "Have you lived here all your life?" "Oh, twice that long."Have you locked your file cabinet?Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is acrack in your sidewalk?"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions."He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!Help a swallow land at Capistrano.Help stamp out and abolish redundancy and repetition.HELP! Man trapped in a human body!HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! -- E. E. CUMMINGSHere there be tygers."His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was fallingoutside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."Honk if you love peace and quiet.Housework can kill you if done right. -- Erma BombeckHow can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?How come we never talk anymore?How come wrong numbers are never busy?How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?How untasteful can you get?Huh?I always wake up at the crack of ice. -- Joe E. LewisI am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.I can relate to that.I can resist anything but temptation.I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. -- Ashleigh Brilliant"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path." -- Ronald MabbittI don't understand you anymore.I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?I enjoy the time that we spend together.I exist, therefore I am paid.I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head..."I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words."I hate quotations. -- Ralph Waldo EmersonI hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like aravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon. -- WillowI have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.I have become me without my consent.I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.I hear the sound that the machines make, and feel my heart break, justfor a moment.I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.I love treason but hate a traitor. -- Gaius Julius CaesarI never did it that way before."I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,including beets, rutabagas, and most random vege...I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.I saw what you did and I know who you are.I smell a wumpus.I thought YOU silenced the guard!I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. -- Carole Wallach.I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?I will always love the false image I had of you.I will make you shorter by the head. -- Elizabeth II will never lie to you.I will not forget you.I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. -- John Denver[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. "I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle,...I'm glad I was not born before tea. -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear. -- John ForemanI'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.I'm not offering myself as an example; every life evolves by its own laws.I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.I'm not proud.I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.I've Been Moved!I've been there.I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.Identify your visitor.Idleness is the holiday of fools."If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far." -- Paul WhiteIf all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.If God is dead, who will save the Queen?If God is One, what is bad? -- Charles MansonIf I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! -- Samuel GoldwynIf I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.If I love you, what business is it of yours? -- Johann van GoetheIf it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh. -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagullsIf it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.If life is merely a joke, the question still remains: for whose amusement?If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?If rabbits' feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? -- Robert MosesIf the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have somethingto do with a shortage of flowers. -- D...If the future isn't what it used to be, does that mean that the pastis subject to change in times to come?If the grass is greener on other side of fence, consider what may befertilizing it.If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, then this sentencewould not be false.If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chancesare 50-50 it will.If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art HoppeIf time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of anoncoming train. -- Robert LowellIf you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one. -- John GalsworthyIf you have nothing to do, don't do it here.If you knew what to say next, would you say it?If you know the answer to a question, don't ask. -- Petersen NesbitIf you stick your head in the sand, one thing is for sure, you're gonnaget your rear kicked.If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. -- Jules de GaultierImagine what we can imagine! -- Arthur RubinsteinImmanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!" -- The Kidner ReportIn my end is my beginning. -- Mary Stuart, Queen of ScotsIn the war of wits, he's unarmed.In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.Include me out.Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.Is death legally binding?Isn't air travel wonderful? Breakfast in London, dinner in New York,luggage in Brazil.It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in themanes of horses. The only known solution t...It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas,and not in circumstances. -- EmersonIt is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?One in a million, perhaps.It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. -- Leonardo da VinciIt is easier to run down a hill than up one.It is the business of the future to be dangerous. -- HawkwindIt is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the future.It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately."It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot."It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breezewas blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ... --- James DentIt was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. PerhapsI should have found it pleasanter if I had ...It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more likethe rose and the teeth were in the same glass.It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools. -- Danny VerminIt's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealthhave both failed. -- Kim HubbardJoe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!Join the march to save individuality!Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. -- Irene PeterJust give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.Kilroe hic erat!Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.Knocked, you weren't in. -- OpportunityKnow what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. -- Henry N. CampL'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare. -- L. PasteurLa-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.Lake Erie died for your sins.Language is a virus from another planet. -- William BurroughsLaughing at you is like drop-kicking a wounded humming bird.Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche. -- Austen BriggsLife -- Love It or Leave It.Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. -- Paul GauguinLife is both difficult and time-consuming.Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?Life is like a simile.Life is like an analogy.Life is not for everyone.Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. -- G.B. ShawLike winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.Littering is dumb. -- Ronald MacdonaldLive fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway! -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")Look out! Behind you!Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie... -- Stephen SondheimLosing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young. -- Russell BanksMadness takes its toll.Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.Man who sleep in beer keg wake up sticky.Marigold: JealousyMint: ViruteOrange blossom: Your purity equals your lovelinessOrchid: Beauty, magnificenc...May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheesy lounge-lizardversions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.May your camel be as swift as the wind.May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of aThousand Caramels.Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?Memory should be the starting point of the present.Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.Metermaids eat their young.Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. -- Jean CocteauMoebius strippers never show you their back side.Moebius always does it on the same side.Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.Most general statements are false, including this one. -- Alexander DumasMother Earth is not flat!Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. -- Arnold BennettMount St. Helens should have used earth control.Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of mylife there.My, how you've changed since I've changed.'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.Never odd or even.A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.Madam, I'm Adam.Sit on a pota...Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- AnonymousNever use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where there is notor that there is not space to list it all, etc.Never volunteer for anything. -- LacklandNew members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention ofCruelty to Yourself. Apply within.Nietzsche is pietzsche, but Schiller is killer, and Goethe is moethe.No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. -- William BlakeNo guts, no glory.No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.No matter how much you do you never do enough.No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keepawake all day. -- NietzscheNo yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. -- M.J. 0'DonnellNon-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand. -- SpinozaNothing can be done in one trip. -- SniderNothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. -- Michel de MontaigneNothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity. -- Ebner-EschenbachNothing lasts forever.Where do I find nothing?NOTICE:-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," or "MurderWith Mallets Aforethought." -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.O imitators, you slavish herd! -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)O.K., fine.Odets, where is thy sting? -- George S. KaufmanOh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.Oh, wow! Look at the moon!Once I finally figured out all of life's answers, they changed the questions.Onward through the fog.Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.Our problems are so serious that the best way to talk about them islightheartedly.Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that nowI can remember things that *have* happened before ...Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. Now ... just try to find out where!Pardon me while I laugh.Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.Phone call for chucky-pooh.Piece of cake! -- G.S. KoblasPlastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past! -- Green Lantern ComicsPlease help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.Please remain calm, it's no use both of us being hysterical at the same time.Predestination was doomed from the start.Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. -- Niels BohrPreserve the old, but know the new.Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. -- Ogden NashProgress was all right. Only it went on too long. -- James ThurberPunning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.Pyros of the world... IGNITE !!!QED.Quack! Quack!! Quack!!Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until they're changed orhelp speed the change by breaking them?Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!Quod erat demonstrandum. [Thus it is proven. For those who wondered WTF QED means.]Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.Reality -- what a concept! -- Robin WilliamsRemember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. -- Hans LiepmannRemember the... the... uhh.....Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good offense!Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably getanother chance later on.Ring around the collar.Rubber bands have snappy endings!Safety Third.Sailors in ships, sail on! Even while we died, others rode out the storm.Sank heaven for leetle curls.Santa Claus is watching!Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.Save the bales!Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.Save the whales. Collect the whole set.See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'causethe second one should have seen it.She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring -- they applaud.She's genuinely bogus. "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart." "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?" "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper...Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaksin a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright...Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves. -- Thomas CarlyleSilence is the only virtue you have left.Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.Sleep is for the weak and sickly.Smear the road with a runner!!Solipsists of the World... you are already united. -- Kayvan SylvanSome changes are so slow, you don't notice them. Others are so fast,they don't notice you.Some parts of the past must be preserved, and some of the future preventedat all costs.Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic.Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. -- Evan DavisSomeday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It willprobably be one of those deep, eerie ones tha...Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing throughsatisfaction. -- Ashleigh BrilliantSomehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.Sometimes, too long is too long. -- Joe CroweSomewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. -- Carl SaganSooner or later you must pay for your sins.(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.Sorry. Nice try.Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.Stamp out philately.Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.Stop me, before I kill again!Support the Girl Scouts! (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)Take it easy, we're in a hurry.Take what you can use and let the rest go by. -- Ken KeseyTempt me with a spoon!Thank you for observing all safety precautions.That's odd. That's very odd. Wouldn't you say that's very odd?That's what she said.The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. -- Clifton FadimanThe beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.The best prophet of the future is the past.The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. -- Herbert von FritzlarThe day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. -- H.D. ThoreauThe day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.The difference between this place and yogurt is that yogurt has a live culture.The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender. -- Anne BoleynThe fact that it works is immaterial. -- L. Ogborn... the flaw that makes perfection perfect.The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)The future lies ahead.The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it. -- George MeredithThe grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its message and thendisappears.The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a customwhereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop. "The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?" -- Jeff ElmanThe Killer Ducks are coming!!!The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.The most important things, each person must do for himself.The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when tocringe.The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant becauseit isn't here. -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness. -- Wittgenstein.The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and toothin to cultivate. -- Doug SneydThe problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to goto erase it. -- Glaser and WayThe reader this message encounters not failing to understand is cursed.The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.The sheep died in the wool.The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick. [so say said sentence sextuply...]The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing. -- Judge Harold T. StoneThe tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. -- Hosea BallouThe whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. -- Wavy GravyThe whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. -- Peter BeardThe world really isn't any worse. It's just that the news coverageis so much better.The world wants to be deceived. -- Sebastian BrantThe worst part of valor is indiscretion.Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredibleeyes poured forth into mine love, joy,...There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort of, usually, Marchmeans maybe, but don't bet on it.There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third Ican't remember. -- Italo SvevoThere are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. -- Lord Thomas Rober DewarThere has been an alarming increase in the number of things you knownothing about.There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. -- Walt DisneyThere is always someone worse off than yourself.There is always something new out of Africa. -- Gaius Plinius SecundusThere is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. -- Marie AntoinetteThere seems no plan because it is all plan. -- C.S. LewisThere's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't getany worse.There's nothing very mysterious about you, except thatnobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.Think honk if you're a telepath.Think sideways! -- Ed De BonoThis is NOT a repeat.This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. And now you know why.This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. -- Douglas HofstadterThis sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.This sentence no verb.Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought isirksome and three minutes is a long time. -- A.E. HousemanThree o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a littletoo early for anything you want to do. -- Jean-Paul SartreTime is but the stream I go a-fishing in. -- Henry David ThoreauTime will end all my troubles, but I don't always approve of Time's methods.Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.To generalize is to be an idiot. -- William BlakeTo love is good, love being difficult.To see you is to sympathize."To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"Topologists are just plane folks. Pilots are just plane folks. Carpenters are just plane folks. Midwest farmer...Trouble always comes at the wrong time.Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house thenext job after a series of three is not...True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision ofpersonal futility, and of the beauty of the world. -- David MametTwo cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.Use a pun, go to jail.Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. -- PericlesWanna buy a duck?Wasting time is an important part of living.We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. -- Carl SaganWe must die because we have known them. -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.Welcome to the Zoo!Well thaaaaaaat's okay.Well, the handwriting is on the floor. -- Joe E. LewisWell, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside. -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"What causes the mysterious death of everyone?What color is a chameleon on a mirror? "What did you do when the ship sank?" "I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore."What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them? -- Roger von OechWhat happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.What is the sound of one hand clapping?What soon grows old? Gratitude. -- Aristotle "What time is it?" "I don't know, it keeps changing."What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. -- WittgensteinWhat will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is forsomething to occur to you. -- Robert F...What!? Me worry? -- Alfred E. NewmanWhat's all this brouhaha?What's so funny?"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" -- The DoctorWhatever became of eternal truth?When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop?When does later become never?When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. -- Gen. C. AbramsWhen pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it. -- Billy SundayWhen things go well, expect something to explode, erode, collapse orjust disappear.When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.When you're down and out, lift up your voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?When your memory goes, forget it!Where am I? Who am I? Am I? IWhere will it all end? Probably somewhere near where it all began.Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. -- WittgensteinWhich is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?Whip it, whip it good!Who are you?Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? -- Hattie McDanielWho messed with my anti-paranoia shot?Who will take care of the world after you're gone?Why are you so hard to ignore?Why do seagulls live near the sea? 'Cause if they lived near the bay,they'd be called baygulls.Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? -- Lily TomlinWhy not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?Without adventure, civilization is in full decay. -- Alfred North WhiteheadWould that my hand were as swift as my tongue. -- AlfieriWould you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?WRONG!You auto buy now.You can cage a swallow, can't you, but you can't swallow a cage, can you?Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, fin...You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to? "You've got to think about tomorrow!" "TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!"Zeus gave Leda the bird.Well, I think we should get some bricks and some bats, and show himthe *true* meaning of Christmas!' -- Bernice, "Designing Women", 12/2/91.I used to have nightmares that the Grinch's dog would kidnap me and make medress up in a halter-top and hot pants...[ ] Safeguard this message - it is an important historical document.[ ] Delete after reading -- Subversive Litera...Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? -- Socrates' last wordsI am tired of fighting...The old men are all dead...The little childrenare freezing to death. My people, some of ...A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:If you found yourself in a situation where...A Hen Brooding Kittens A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,a few days since, a hen ... A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the sam...A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationedon the Falkland Islands have devised what ...A New Way of Taking Pills A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, andhaving no ball or s...A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. -- Arthure "Bugs" BaerA prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to awatering hole where the life of the jungle..."A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blackedout 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon." -- Steel City NewsA young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a newbonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from e...Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. -- Thomas JeffersonAfter two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One withthe man who said, "No news is good news." ...All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from the hills afterthe battle is over and shoot the wounded.An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. -- Adlai Stevenson"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some ofyour own." -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter Preposterous WordsAnd that's the way it is... -- Walter CronkiteEarth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for thatrare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. -- Erwin KnollFLASH!Intelligence of mankind decreasing.Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,and you would not have been informed.I only know what I read in the papers. -- Will RogersI read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. -- Aneurin BevanI really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizenswho, reading newspapers, live and die i...If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing itbecause I can't swim. -- Bob StanfieldIf you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, or famous or both.In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. -- Frank MankiewiczIsn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent person could harbortwo opposing ideas in his mind? -- Adlai Stevenson, to reportersIts failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalismin that by giving us the opinion of ...Journalism is literature in a hurry. -- Matthew ArnoldJournalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people whocan't talk for people who can't read. -- Frank ZappaMy father was a God-fearing man, but he never missed a copy of theNew York Times, either. -- E.B. WhiteNever offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 *** NEWSFLASH ***Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper." -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was taken over by Rupert MurdochOf what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And ofTV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer. Once Again From the TopCorrection notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneouslyreported that...One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he once had apublisher shot. -- Siegfried UnseldPeople who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much betterpress than people who are just funny and smart. -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"Photographing a volcano is just about the most miserable thing you can do. -- Robert B. Goodman [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.] Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and HimNaughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to...The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper. -- Thomas JeffersonThe American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tendsto form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.Film at 11:00.The most important service rendered by the press is that of educatingpeople to approach printed matter with distrust. "The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. TheWashington Post is read by the people who thin...The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, aplausible manner and a little literary ab...The world really isn't any worse. It's just that the news coverageis so much better. "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?" "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?" "I'll put `maybe.'" -- Bloom CountyThis is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Had there been anactual emergency, then you would no longer be here.This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been anactual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, youwould have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended forthose who are slightly disoriented the first...You know the great thing about TV? If something important happensanywhere at all in the world, no matter what ti... A little pain never hurt anyone. "A unified, neutral Germany? Given that nation's heritage, such a phrase may prove to be the oxymoron of the d... A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. Include me out. -Samuel Goldwyn Christ was born in 4 B.C. Cum tacent, clamant. When they are silent, they shout. -Cicero Gentlemen, I want you to know that I am not always right, but I am never wrong. -Samuel Goldwyn Goes (Went) over like a lead balloon. Honk if you are against noise pollution! I'll give you a definite maybe. -Samuel Goldwyn I'm not going to say, "I told you so." I am a deeply superficial person. -Andy Warhol I'm proud of my humility. I can resist everything except temptation. -Oscar Wilde If Roosevelt were alive, he'd turn over in his grave. -Samuel Goldwyn If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! -Samuel Goldwyn If you fall and break your legs, don't come running to me. -Samuel Goldwyn I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them five years. -Samuel Goldwyn It isn't an optical illusion. It just looks like one. It's more than magnificent-it's mediocre. -Samuel Goldwyn May I ask a question? No one goes to that restaurant anymore-it's always too crowded. (attributed to Yogi Berra) Our comedies are not to be laughed at. -Samuel Goldwyn Parting is such sweet sorrow. -William Shakespeare Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry. "Professional certification for car people may sound like an oxymoron." -The Wall Street Journal, page B1, Tuesday, July 17, 1990. Referring to a book: I read part of it all the way through. -Samuel Goldwyn Smoking is the leading cause of statistics. Some bachelors want a meaningful overnight relationship. Talking about a piece of movie dialogue: Let's have some new cliches. -Samuel Goldwyn The scene is dull. Tell him to put more life into his dying. -Samuel Goldwyn Thank God I'm an atheist. This report is filled with omissions. We are not anticipating any emergencies. We're overpaying him, but he's worth it. -Samuel Goldwyn His honour rooted in dishonour stood, And faith unfaithful kept him falsely true. -Alfred Lord Tennyson The good oxymoron, to define it by a self-illustration, must be a planned inadvertency. -Wilson Follett An Irishman is never at peace except when he's fighting. I marvel at the strength of human weakness. Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it. -Irene Peter Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. -Josh Billings Of course I can keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't keep them. -Anthony Haden-Guest The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. -W.C. Fields I distinctly remember forgetting that. -Clara Barton We must believe in free will. We have no choice. -Isaac B. Singer I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Monotheism is a gift from the gods. After they got rid of capital punishment, they had to hang twice as many people as before. I never liked you, and I always will. -Samuel Goldwyn Why don't you pair `em up in threes? -Yogi Berra Our similarities are different. -Dale Berra, son of Yogi After Donald Trump's stretch limousine was stolen and found undamaged a few blocks away; he said, "Nothing was... Some bird populations soaring down -Headline of an article in Science News, page 126, February 20, 1993. Most bacteria have the decency to be microscopic. Epulopiscium fishelsoni is not among them. The newly identif... "Triumph without Victory, The Unreported History of the Persian Gulf War", -Headline published in the U.S. News & World Report, 1992. An empty cab drove up and Sarah Bernhardt got out. -Arthur Baer, American comic and columnist She used to diet on any kind of food she could lay her hands on. -Arthur Baer, American comic and columnist The first condition of immortality is death. -Stanislaw Lec As famous as the unknown soldier. I must follow the people. Am I not their leader? -Benjamin Disraeli Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history. -George Bernard Shaw William Safire's rules for writing as seen in the New York Times Do not put statements in the negative form... Everyone writes on the walls except me. -Said to be graffiti seen in Pompeii I tripped over a hole that was sticking up out of the ground. I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. -Samuel Goldwyn This page intentionally left blank. Evil isn't all bad. I disagree with unanimity. "It's a step forward although there was no progress." President Hosni Murbarak of Egypt attempting to put the ... "I always avoid prophesying beforehand because it is much better to prophesy after the event has already taken place. " - Winston Churchill All truths are true to an extend, including this one. -XA Assume a virtue, if you have it not. -William Shakespeare All generalisations are dangerous, including this one.A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit accordin...A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other people's demands.A bore is a man who talks so much about himself that you can't talk aboutyourself.A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we haveenlightened him with ours.A city is a large community where people are lonesome together -- Herbert ProchnowA compliment is something like a kiss through a veil. -- Victor HugoA cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. -- Edgar A. ShoaffA fair exterior is a silent recommendation. -- Publilius SyrusA friend is a present you give yourself. -- Robert Louis StevensonA gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks toyou about himself; and a brilliant conve...A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. Thegreen earflaps, full of large ears and ...A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his ownweight in other people's patience. -- John UpdikeA man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by anotherman riding on a camel. When the ride...A man of genius makes no mistakes.His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the policeduring a raid at the home of a mobster, excus...A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.A man who turns green has eschewed protein.A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would createdestruction and chaos - just to gain his ...A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. -- Gore VidalA paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. -- William S. BurroughsA pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. "A penny for your thoughts?" "A dollar for your death." -- The Odd CoupleA person forgives only when they are in the wrong.A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. -- Elbert HubbardA pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me yourlast pair of shoes, already worn out i...A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. -- George EliotA private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. -- Miguel de CervantesA real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason andthe real reason.A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. -- Antoine de Saint-ExuperyA sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keephim from the commission of all sins, or n... "...A strange enigma is man!" "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested. "Winwood Reade is ...A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,and especially from inactivity in the affair...A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. -- B. FranklinA well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice withoutgetting nervous.A well-known friend is a treasure. A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms alon...Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.Adam was but human--this explains it all. He did not want the apple for theapple's sake, he wanted it only becau...Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,then at least be aseptic.After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. -- Jean GiraudouxAfter all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not foryou to enjoy yourself; if that were thei...After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe everything.Just in case. After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of theseven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be devel...Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain. -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that. -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourselfor not. Tom Robbins wrote that the ...All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,barely presentable. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. -- YodaAll I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. -- Ashleigh BrilliantAll I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to thethrone of any country in Western Europe and...All men have the right to wait in line.All men profess honesty as long as they can. To believe all men honestwould be folly. To believe none so is something worse. -- John Quincy AdamsAll most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane."All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific." -- Jane WagnerAll of the animals except man know that the principal business of life isto enjoy it.All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no. -- Susan SontagAll progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organismto live beyond its income. -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. -- Sean O'CaseyAll we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to eachother, talking and trying to listen at t...Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -- Charlie McCarthyAmerica's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered planewhen a terrible storm forced them t...An evil mind is a great comfort.An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wearsa Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly ...An expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to thegrand fallacy. -- Benjamin StolbergAn expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knowsabsolutely everything about nothing.An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit. -- Henry FordAn infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to bedevoured. -- Konrad AdenauerAn intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. -- Albert CamusAn optimist is a guy that has never had much experience. -- Don MarquisAnd I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the bigones. The big ones you get used to, you ma...And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Her...And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,turned to the Child and asked him to..."And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right foryou to take away people's pleasure of...Anger is momentary madness. -- HoraceAnger kills as surely as the other vices.Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. -- Lazarus LongAny clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. -- Charles McCabeAny coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into amountain in a fog. But I would rather, by ...Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to knowhow to lie well. -- Samuel ButlerAny man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruitrattling from the tree to the ground; but to ...Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. FieldsAnybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car isprobably parked.Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the rightperson, to the right degree, at the right ..."Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often thefirst word he speaks. It is a cheap word b...Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.Apathy Club meeting this Friday. If you want to come, you're not invited."Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"Appearances often are deceiving. -- AesopAre your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?Do you put pennies in the slots in your... Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool ca...Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced SoulArguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactlythe same opinion. -- Oscar Wilde"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"As crazy as hauling timber into the woods. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.One of the tests to determine personality in ...As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.One of the tests to determine personality in ...As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, but you will do themwith much more enthusiasm. -- The CowboyAsk not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of. -- J.J. GibsonAsk yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. -- John Stuart MillAssociate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Runwith decent folk and your own decent inst...At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits histhumb with a hammer. -- Marshall LumsdenBack when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both waysand it was always snowing.Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drinkthat they may live. -- SocratesBe braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations thatcan't bear inspection.Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours. -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.Be independent. Insult a rich relative today.Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down. -- Wilson MiznerBe not anxious about what you have, but about what you are. -- Pope St. Gregory IBe open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.Be self-reliant and your success is assured.Be valiant, but not too venturous.Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. -- John LylyBeauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. -- Redd FoxxBefore borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. -- Addison H. HallockBefore destruction a man's heart is haughty, but humility goes before honour. -- Psalms 18:12Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should rememberand be sad. -- Christina RossettiBeware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is adrip under pressure.Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question."Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, andfinds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon ...BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders. -- NietzscheBlessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuadedto say it. -- James Russell LowellBlessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. -- W.C. BennettBlessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. -- Alexander PopeBlessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,for he shall enjoy living. -- W.C. BennettBlessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from givingwordy evidence of the fact. -- George EliotBounders get bound when they are caught bounding. -- Ralph LewinBrisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beastmore to be dreaded than a communicative ...Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go backto them -- it is outrageous to have some...But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coastto the nearest gas station."But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them? -- M. ProustBy doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the taskcompletely overwhelm you.By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart. -- ConfuciusCalling you stupid is an insult to stupid people! -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's theonly way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price. -- Robert J. RingerCertainly there are things in life that money can't buy,But it's very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money? -- Ogden NashCharacter is what you are in the dark! -- Lord John WhorfinCharlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?Linus: To make others happy.Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" -- without having asked anyclear question.Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead. -- "Bugsy" SiegelClass: when they're running you out of town, to look like you'releading the parade. -- Bill BattieClones are people two.Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving atdifferent speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. -- Clive JamesCommon sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. -- Josh BillingsCommon sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. -- Albert EinsteinCommon sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.Everyone thinks he has enough. -- Descartes, 1637Conceit causes more conversation than wit. -- LaRouchefoucauldConfess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;confess them to man and you will be laughed at. -- Josh BillingsConfession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat isgood for dandruff. -- Peter de VriesConfession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation. -- Lord Thomas DewarConfidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before youfall flat on your face. -- Dr. L. BinderConfidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. -- H. L. MenckenConscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. -- H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when youwish you weren't.Convention is the ruler of all. -- PindarConversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius.Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the line-up. -- Raymond ChandlerCorrection does much, but encouragement does more. -- GoetheCourage is fear that has said its prayers.Courage is grace under pressure.Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, forpeculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortuna...Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. -- ZeuxisDare to be naive. -- R. Buckminster FullerDave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I mayhave to eat them.Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!!Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. -- Bill MusselmanDelay is preferable to error. -- Thomas JeffersonDid you know that clones never use mirrors? -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead. -- EuripidesDistance doesn't make you any smaller, but it does make you part of alarger picture.Do clones have navels?Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. Their tastesmay not be the same. -- George Bernard ShawDo not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread eachday as it comes. -- Donald KaulDo you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa. Ibelieve it is a mistake to make a mock of ...Do you mean that you not only want a wrong answer, but a certain wrong answer? -- TobabenDo you realize how many holes there could be if people would just takethe time to take the dirt out of them?Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! -- Joe CointmentDon't confuse things that need action with those that take care of themselves.Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day. -- Josh BillingsDon't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.Don't expect people to keep in step--it's hard enough just staying in line.Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.Don't interfere with the stranger's style.Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. -- Miguel de CervantesDon't remember what you can infer. -- Harry TennantDon't say "yes" until I finish talking. -- Darryl F. ZanuckDon't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors. -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. I know better. The thingsI worry about don't happen. -- Watchman ExaminerDon't tell me what you dreamed last night for I've been reading Freud.Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it. -- Lazarus LongDon't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you freewith my breakfast cereal. -- Zaphod BeeblebroxDon't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it startsavoiding you. -- The Old Farmer's AlmanacDon't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good,you'll have to ram them down people's throats. -- Howard AikenDon't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're toobusy worrying over what you are thinking about them.Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely want to help youcould agree with each other?Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain?Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people without brains do an awful lot of talking. -- The Wizard of OzDoubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. -- VoltaireDrive defensively. Buy a tank.Early to bed and early to rise and you'll be groggy when everyone else iswide awake. Eeyore, the old grey Donkey, stood by the side of the stream, andlooked at himself in the water. "Pathetic," he ...Elevators smell different to midgets.Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.Enjoy yourself while you're still old.Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors. -- OnasanderEtiquette is for those with no breeding; fashion for those with no taste.Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. -- MenanderEven if you persuade me, you won't persuade me. -- AristophanesEven if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. -- Will RogersEven moderation ought not to be practiced to excess. Everthing is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice asfar to the corner and they have added a hill. ...Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. -- Frank Moore ColbyEvery man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,or less familiar, from their analogy t...Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. -- Miguel de CervantesEvery man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limitsof the world. -- SchopenhauerEvery time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.Everybody has something to conceal. -- Humphrey BogartEverybody is somebody else's weirdo. -- DykstraEverybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it.Everyone is entitled to my opinion.Everyone is more or less mad on one point. -- Rudyard KiplingEveryone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it.Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes to get them. -- Dirty HarryEveryone was born right-handed. Only the greatest overcome it.Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evilof others, but it is seldom a mistake. -- H.L. MenckenExample is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing. -- Albert Schweitzer Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shoppingmall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the b...Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation fromacquiring the deadening effect of a habit. -- W. Somerset MaughamExhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,and just before you realize what is wrong with it.Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happensto you. -- Aldous HuxleyExperience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistakewhen you make it again. -- Franklin P. JonesExperience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,particularly if he adds a firm handshake, i...Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter itevery six months. -- Oscar WildeFashions have done more harm than revolutions. -- Victor HugoFess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about a man chasing an invention of his own halfw...Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed. -- Josh BillingsFor an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards bealways old-fashioned.For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. -- HarrisonFor every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. -- R. CloptonFor I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul) "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequenceof events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." "Whose?" "MINE! HA-HA!"For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust. -- Sir Thomas MoreFor most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which toget themselves filed. -- Clifton FadimanFor people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like.For perfect happiness, remember two things: (1) Be content with what you've got. (2) Be sure you've got plenty.For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. -- Abraham Lincoln"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow butphone calls taper off." -- Johnny CarsonFortune finishes the great quotations, #2 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people you've made happy.Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day? No, I guess not.Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?" It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on tombstones, womenand competitors. -- Lord Thomas DewarFriends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. -- Thomas JonesFriendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiorityover the other. -- Honore DeBalzacGenius is the talent of a person who is dead.Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. -- Elbert HubbardGet forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you. -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by EuripidesGo slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, but quickly to theirmisfortunes. -- ChiloGod gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.God must love the common man; He made so many of them.Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a badexample. -- La RouchefoucauldGood judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. -- Jim HorningGratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion. -- Joseph AlsopGreat minds run in great circles.Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives. -- Maurice ChevalierHalf of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is stored as wellas destroy the object on which it is poured.Hate the sin and love the sinner. -- Mahatma GandhiHave no friends not equal to yourself. -- ConfuciusHaving no talent is no longer enough. -- Gore VidalHe had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation perfectlydelightful. -- Sydney SmithHe had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and heavypresence that you only see in a pers...He hadn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar WildeHe is a man capable of turning any colour into grey. -- John LeCarre He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the most words.He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. -- Samuel JohnsonHe laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, once whenit's explained, and once when he understands it.He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered. -- Ring LardnerHe missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. -- Andrew LangHe only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brainhad fallen to the ground. -- The Book of SerenityHe thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser. -- Friedrich NietzscheHe who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.He who minds his own business is never unemployed.He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned. -- SinbadHe who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. -- M.C. EscherHe's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'dbe there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter."He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without gettingon, always behind hand and lamenting it,...Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be whenI grow up. -- Peter DruckerHi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brotherJimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a little of both. -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"Hindsight is always 20:20. -- Billy WilderHindsight is an exact science.His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice. -- Foghorn LeghornHistory repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the secondtime as bedroom farce.History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in. -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage isto a cockatoo. -- George Bernard ShawHope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. -- Francis BaconHope is a waking dream. -- AristotleHope not, lest ye be disappointed. -- M. HornerHow comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards in reasoning,and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule? -- A. CooperHow long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? -- Sir Arthur Wing PineroHowever, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditionalmanner ... sulking and nausea. -- Tom K. RyanHuman kind cannot bear very much reality. -- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but becaus...Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. -- Alan KayHumility is the first of the virtues -- for other people. -- Oliver Wendell HolmesI allow the world to live as it chooses, and I allow myself to live as Ichoose.I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for theirgood intellects. Man cannot be too caref...I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.It is never any good to oneself. -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"I always say beauty is only sin deep. -- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. -- Winston ChurchillI am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool. -- Katharine WhitehornI am looking for a honest man. -- Diogenes the Cynic"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for thegreat ordeal of meeting me is another matter." -- Winston ChurchillI believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. -- G.K. ChestertonI call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. -- Biff BarfI can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't. -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can writefaster than anybody who can write better. -- A.J. LieblingI can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."It isn't that I can't toddle. It's t...I can't stand squealers; hit that guy. -- Albert AnastasiaI can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who canunderstand it. -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightenedof the old ones. -- John CageI cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. -- Lillian HellmanI consider the day misspent that I am not either charged with a crime,or arrested for one. -- "Ratsy" TourbillonI didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired. But maybe that's whatsophisticated is -- being tired. -- Rita Gain"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right totell such LIES!I do not know myself and God forbid that I should. -- Johann Wolfgang von GoetheI do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,any adequate account of that nature with... "I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said. Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't ...I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to knowwhat his grandson will be. -- Abraham LincolnI don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game. -- Cash McCallI don't mind arguing with myself. It's when I lose that it bothers me. -- Richard PowersI don't remember it, but I have it written down."I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the otherhand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out.""I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush downto the sea and drown yourselves.""How cu...I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. -- Mae WestI give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who? -- Beauregard BugleboyI got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals. -- Butch CassidyI guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of other people...Certainty is just an emotion. -- Hal ClementI hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I knowhow bad I am. -- Samuel JohnsonI hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the parkthere's nothing else to do. -- Lenny BruceI have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unableto sit still in a room. -- Blaise PascalI have found little that is good about human beings. In my experiencemost of them are trash. -- Sigmund FreudI have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. -- Edgar Allan PoeI have learned silence from the talkative,toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind. -- Kahlil GibranI have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claimingthat I have never made one. -- James Gordon BennettI have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in hisown eyes. What matters is not what I thi...I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd bettertake one along that worked. -- Raymond ChandlerI love mankind ... It's people I hate. -- Schulz I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentimentsof others, and all positive assertion of ..."I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but don'tlet appearances fool you. I'm approachi...I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. -- Ashleigh BrilliantI never killed a man that didn't deserve it. -- Mickey CohenI prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. -- Alexandre Dumas, filsI profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. -- William F. BuckleyI put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs oftennis socks, not my style at all, but tha..."... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that wassupposed to make me look like the dashing, r...I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability. -- Oscar WildeI think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's paranoid and the other half'sout to get him.I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fiercedesire for life as well as a lucid percept...I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ inmy body. Then I realized who was telling me this. -- Emo PhillipsI waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.I will follow the good side right to the fire, but not into it if I canhelp it. -- Michel Eyquem de MontaigneI'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'dlisten to it! -- Tom Galloway with apologies to VoltaireI'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart'sin the right place, but their head is a...I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn'tthat good. -- Amy Gorin"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REALsoon ..."I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.I'm sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.I'm successful because I'm lucky. The harder I work, the luckier I get.I've already told you more than I know.I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there wasthis little hole in the bottom ... -- John CrollI've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimeson the same day."I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer" -- Senator ClaghornIdeas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't likesolitary confinement.If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed. -- Thomas WolfeIf God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to theairport. -- George WintersIf God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given you sucha vivid imagination.If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? -- Marvin KitmanIf he should ever change his faith, it'll be because he no longer thinkshe's God.If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top? -- Jerry MuschaIf man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. -- Mary Wilson LittleIf one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. -- A. Einstein.If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. -- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young"If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment withouthaving to accomplish anything.If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,then we are a sorry lot indeed. -- Albert EinsteinIf people see that you mean them no harm, they'll never hurt you, ninetimes out of ten!If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. Ifthe weather is extremely good, church attenda...If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it. -- Edward A. Murphy Jr.If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you."If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us with alarm clocks.If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? -- Ann Edwards-DuffIf you are honest because honesty is the best policy, your honesty is corrupt.If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, thenyou clearly don't understand the situation.If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. -- Alice Roosevelt LongworthIf you cannot in the long run tell everyone what you have been doing,your doing was worthless. -- Edwim SchrodingerIf you continually give you will continually have.If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?If you didn't have most of your friends, you wouldn't have most ofyour problems.If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk aboutit; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else. -- CarlyleIf you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.If you don't do it, you'll never know what would have happened if youhad done it.If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. -- Clarence DayIf you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. -- Freeman DysonIf you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. -- Calvin CoolidgeIf you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.If you float on instinct alone, how can you calculate the buoyancy forthe computed load? -- Christopher Hodder-WilliamsIf you go out of your mind, do it quietly, so as not to disturb thosearound you.If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage toboot yourself in the posterior. -- A.J. Liebling, "The Press"If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot ofrubbish into it. -- William OrtonIf you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rocketsand fire them all off, wouldn't you? -- Garrison KeillorIf you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life. -- Robert Pante, fashion consultantIf you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if youreally make them think they'll hate you.If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. -- SchmidtIf you notice that a person is deceiving you, they must not bedeceiving you very well.If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you haveschizophrenia. -- Thomas SzaszIf you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. -- Arthur KasspeIf you think things can't get worse it's probably only because youlack sufficient imagination.If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand thatfictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies andheartbeats.If you would understand your own age, read the works of fiction producedin it. People in disguise speak freely.If you're careful enough, nothing bad or good will ever happen to you.If you're constantly being mistreated, you're cooperating with the treatment.If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrowmorning, sleep late. -- Henny YoungmanIf you're happy, you're successful.If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. -- Benjamin DisraeliIn good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker know the truth ofthe matter about which he is to speak? -- PlatoIn matters of principle, stand like a rock;in matters of taste, swim with the current. -- Thomas JeffersonIn most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present.In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing. -- Alan KayIn the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not displeasingto us. -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"In this world some people are going to like me and some are not. So, I mayas well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what onewants, and the other is getting it. -- Oscar WildeInnocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself. -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up. -- Bernard CookeIt destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. -- Benjamin DisraeliIt does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up somethingfrom the floor while you get up.It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you'vedone and what you're going to do.It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it isthrust into the affairs of another, from whic...It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I havebeen searching for evidence which could support this. -- Bertrand RussellIt is all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of itnow and then. -- Richard ArmourIt is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,you are an exceptionally good liar. -- Jerome K. JeromeIt is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it. -- Henry AllenIt is easier to get forgiveness than permission.It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig. -- George SantayanaIt is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted. -- AeschylusIt is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when heholds back one who is hastening. Rath...It is exactly because a man cannot do a thing that he is a proper judge of it. -- Oscar WildeIt is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities withoutyour help. -- Miss MannersIt is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting becauseif you entered a room and said "Goodbye," i...It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.It is indeed desirable to be well descended, but the glory belongs toour ancestors. -- PlutarchIt is much easier to be critical than to be correct. -- Benjamin DisraeliIt is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well. -- Rene DescartesIt is not enough to have great qualities, we should also have themanagement of them. -- La RochefoucauldIt is not good for a man to be without knowledge,and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way. -- Proverbs 19:2It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. -- Grace Murray HopperIt is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it. -- CervantesIt is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their dignity.It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not daredto be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. -- Havelock EllisIt is the business of little minds to shrink. -- Carl SandburgIt is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will set an house on fire,and it were but to roast their eggs. -- Francis BaconIt is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour. -- Francis BaconIt is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether II win or lose. -- Darrin WeinbergIt may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't toogood either if you speak when your head is empty.It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as awarning to others.It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones sleptbetter... while the bad ones seemed...It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.It takes all kinds to fill the freeways. -- Crazy CharlieIt takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why youdid it wrong. -- H.W. LongfellowIt takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human natureand affect to despise it, are among its...It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.It's amazing how many people you could be friends with if only they'dmake the first approach.It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away. -- Michael ArlenIt's bad enough that life is a rat-race, but why do the rats always have to win?It's better to be quotable than to be honest. -- Tom StoppardIt's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. -- Marty WinchIt's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right.It's hard not to like a man of many qualities, even if most of them are bad.It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.It's hard to keep your shirt on when you're getting something off your chest.It's interesting to think that many quite distinguished people havebodies similar to yours.It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retainwhat fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess. -- Roger NoeIt's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, society willtake full responsibility for you.It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't goingto get hit. -- JoeyJust because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you."Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have someof the few remaining bits of your brain just...Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt of all the others, and thendo what's best. -- Lovers and Other StrangersJust when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat!!Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! -- Michael J. WagnerKeep cool, but don't freeze. -- Hellman's MayonnaiseKeep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;Open it and you remove all doubt.Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.Lack of money is the root of all evil. -- George Bernard ShawLargest Number of Driving Test Failures By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-ninetimes. ...Last guys don't finish nice. -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costsLaughter is the closest distance between two people. -- Victor BorgeLearn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. -- Publilius SyrusLet the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them. -- James ThurberLet's do it. -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squadLife is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire tochange his bed. -- Charles BaudelaireLife is a series of rude awakenings. -- R.V. WinkleLife is a serious burden, which no thinking, humane person wouldwantonly inflict on someone else. -- Clarence DarrowLife is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're the lead mule, all thescenery looks about the same."Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if itweren't for other people" -- BloreLike my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.It doesn't seem plausible to me that the... Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strodeinto the saloon. As he made his way through ...Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. -- Charles D'HericaultLove thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. -- Louise BealLove your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge. -- Benjamin FranklinLying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable. -- Bergan EvansMake no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood. -- Daniel Hudson BurnhamMan belongs wherever he wants to go. -- Wernher von BraunMan has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. -- Fred AllenMan has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. -- Lily TomlinMan is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called uponto act in accordance with the dictates of reason. -- Oscar WildeMan is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with thevictims he intends to eat until he eats them. -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animalthat is struck with the difference between...Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless itis an enemy. -- Albert EinsteinMan's horizons are bounded by his vision.Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual conflict betweenthe desire to stand out and the need to blend in. -- Sydney J. HarrisMany a family tree needs trimming.Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will get a respectfulhearing when age has further impaired his mind. -- Finley Peter DunneMany mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,the degree to which people are bored, by cou...Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice which willrecommend that they do what they want to do.Many people are secretly interested in life.Many people feel that if you won't let them make you happy, they'll make yousuffer.Many people feel that they deserve some kind of recognition for all thebad things they haven't done.Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.Many receive advice, few profit by it. -- Publilius Syrus'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability. -- George Bernard ShawMay those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, mayGod turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn th...May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit theearth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three. -- Lazarus Long"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes."Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise ourpleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as we...Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, and speech only toconceal their thoughts. -- VoltaireMillions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on arainy Sunday afternoon. -- Susan ErtzMind your own business, then you don't mind mine.Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; it's lovely to be sillyat the right moment. -- HoraceModern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. -- J.K. GalbraithMore are taken in by hope than by cunning. -- VauvenarguesMore people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice. -- R.S. SurteesMost of our lives are about proving something, either to ourselves or tosomeone else.Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking difficultiesbefore we get to them. -- Dr. Frank CraneMost of your faults are not your fault.Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, andthey are unable to think because they congen...Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differentlythan they do. -- TurgenevMost people deserve each other. -- ShirleyMost people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrainedonly by the disinclination of others t...Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.Most people have two reasons for doing anything -- a good reason, andthe real reason.Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are, at best,reformed or potential lunatics. -- Susan SontagMost people need some of their problems to help take their mind offsome of the others.Most people prefer certainty to truth.Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannottalk about after dinner. -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"My brain is my second favorite organ. -- Woody AllenMy method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say.And then say it with the utmost levity. -- G.B. ShawMy mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendlywith my legs. -- Woody Allen, on EpistemologyMy opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. -- Oscar WildeMy philosophy is: Don't think. -- Charles MansonNearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man'scharacter, give him power. -- Abraham LincolnNeeds are a function of what other people have.Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.Never explain. Your friends do not need it and your enemies will neverbelieve you anyway. -- Elbert HubbardNever face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning. -- Marlo ThomasNever forget what a man says to you when he is angry.Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.Never kick a man, unless he's down.Never leave anything to chance; make sure all your crimes are premeditated.Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough onthat subject. -- Charles-Maurice De TalleyrandNever tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're absolutely sure they'llnever find out the truth.Nezvannyi gost'--khuzhe tatarina. [An uninvited guest is worse than the Mongol invasion] -- Russian proverbNice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. -- Foghorn LeghornNo character, however upright, is a match for constantly reiterated attacks,however false. -- Alexander HamiltonNo guest is so welcome in a friend's house that he will not become anuisance after three days. -- Titus Maccius PlautusNo man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.No man is useless who has a friend, and if we are loved we are indispensable. -- Robert Louis StevensonNo man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next. -- E.W. HoweNo matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.No one becomes depraved in a moment. -- Decimus Junius JuvenalisNo one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's adirty little beast. -- W.S. GilbertNo one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor RooseveltNo one can put you down without your full cooperation."No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."No one knows what he can do till he tries. -- Publilius SyrusNo one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars. -- Quintus EnniusNo one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as theone who's giving it. -- Hal ChadwickNo question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth. -- Quintus EnniusNobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. -- Kin HubbardNobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feellimited in something. We all need somebo...Nobody knows the trouble I've been.Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears. -- Roy HarperNobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up withconstructive praise.Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. -- Ralph Waldo EmersonNothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.Conscience makes egotists of us all. -- Oscar WildeNothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes atwhich the hearer is permitted to laugh. -- Quentin CrispO Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we willnever change our minds.Objects are lost only because people look where they are not rather thanwhere they are.Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is. -- Gaius Valerius CatullusOh wearisome condition of humanity!Born under one law, to another bound. -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke"Oh, yes. The important thing about having lots of things to remember isthat you've got to go somewhere afterwa...Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.Old age is always fifteen years old than I am. -- B. BaruchOld age is the harbor of all ills. -- BionOld age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. -- TrotskyOld age is too high a price to pay for maturity.Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for theirinability to set a bad example. -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men arecreated jerks. -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody'slistening. -- Franklin P. JonesOne can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. -- Helen KellerOne family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.Friendship needs a certain parallelism ...One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)One is often kept in the right road by a rut. -- Gustave DrozOne man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friendscan discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention. -- Clifton FadimanOne nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.One of the large consolations for experiencing anything unpleasant isthe knowledge that one can communicate it. -- Joyce Carol OatesOne of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship withZaphod was learning to distinguish bet...One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that theyneed no answer. -- George Gordon, Lord ByronOne of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,because they bite. -- Vladimir Il'ich LeninOnly a fool has no doubts.Only a mediocre person is always at his best. -- Laurence PeterOnly fools are quoted. -- AnonymousOnly kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the rightto use the editorial "we". -- Mark TwainOnly someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of anelephant.Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core. -- Hannah ArendtOnly two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them isparanoid and the other one is out to get him.Optimism is the content of small men in high places. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were bornto people you could not have possibly met. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made. -- Immanuel KantParanoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.Paranoia is heightened awareness.Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easyto criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. -- D.J. HicksPassionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. -- Eric HofferPatience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue. -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiersPelorat sighed. "I will never understand people." "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close loo...People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount ofattention) have often been likened to s...People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.People don't change; they only become more so.People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it threetimes, four time, five times...People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible. -- The Best of Will RogersPeople need good lies. There are too many bad ones. -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of thefuture.People respond to people who respond.People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they*know* me there! -- D.L. RothPeople seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other peoplehave been left out on the pleasure. -- Russell BakerPeople tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.People who claim they don't let little things bother them have neverslept in a room with a single mosquito.People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. -- Abigail Van BurenPeople who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of takingadvantage of them.People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven'twhat they want that they don't want it. -- Ogden NashPeople who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.People who push both buttons should get their wish.People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have cold baths.People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that BenjaminFranklin said it first.People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what theydid yesterday.People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.Perhaps the world's second worst crime is boredom. The first is being a bore. -- Cecil BeatonPersonifiers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! -- Bernadette BoskyPlease don't put a strain on our friendship by asking me to do somethingfor you.Please don't recommend me to your friends-- it's difficult enough tocope with you alone.Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, I sometimes forget whichside I'm on.Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking. -- Mary PoppinsPretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change theirminds cannot change anything. -- G.B. ShawPut your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.Put your trust in those who are worthy.Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. -- Oscar Wilde"Quite frankly, I don't like you humans. After what you all have done,I find being 'inhuman' a compliment." -- Spider Robinson, "Callahan's Secret"Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotestknowledge of how to live, nor the smallest...... relaxed in the manner of a man who has no need to put up a front ofany kind. -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. -- Dave ButlerRevenge is a form of nostalgia.Revenge is a meal best served cold. "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doingwhat you wanted to do, even though you thought it ...Rincewind looked down at him and grinned slowly. It was a wide, manic, andutterly humourless rictus. It was the...Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent. -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. -- Mark HarroldSay no, then negotiate. -- HelgaSay something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.Scenery is here, wish you were beautiful.Schizophrenia beats being alone.Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else."See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share. -- Graham GreeneSerenity through viciousness.Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always to try to be alittle kinder than is necessary? -- J.M. BarrieShame is an improper emotion invented by pietists to oppress the human race. -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"She often gave herself very good advice (though she very seldom followed it). -- Lewis CarrollShort people get rained on last.Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.Sin boldly. -- Martin LutherSin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" areinvented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid). -- Lazarus LongSince we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're alive. -- John SloanSince we're all here, we must not be all there. -- Bob "Mountain" BeckSinners can repent, but stupid is forever.So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so faras we do evil or good, we are human: and it...So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to thetown gossip.Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some menhave mediocrity thrust upon them. -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"Some men are discovered; others are found out.Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fearlest she should catch a cold on overexposure. -- Samuel ButlerSome of the things that live the longest in peoples' memories neverreally happened.Some people around here wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I haveonly one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."Some people have parts that are so private they themselves have noknowledge of them.Some people's mouths work faster than their brains. They say things theyhaven't even thought of yet.Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.Someone will try to honk your nose today.Something better... 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? 2 (meteorological)...Something better...13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?14 (complimentary):...Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth. -- Benjamin DisraeliSometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, andthe party spilled out of the house, ...Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. -- Lily TomlinSometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someoneelse is driving. -- David LettermanSpeak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -- Dave MillmanStart every day off with a smile and get it over with. -- W.C. FieldsStart the day with a smile. After that you can be your nasty old self again.Stay together, drag each other down.Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth. Say, do youhave a map to the next joint?Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?Stupidity is its own reward.Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the waybefore it is understood.Success is a journey, not a destination.Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.Success is in the minds of Fools. -- William Wrenshaw, 1578Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things. -- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.Such a fine first dream!But they laughed at me; they saidI had made it up.Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism. -- Donald KaulSupport your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far. -- Jean CocteauTact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has ahole in his head.Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.Take a lesson from the whale; the only time he gets speared is when heraises to spout.Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. -- EuripidesTalking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. -- Friedrich NietzscheTart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies thana gallon of vinegar. -- B. FranklinTell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you.Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.Tell me what to think!!!Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promotinga falsehood, isn't it? -- A. Hope"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver" -- Foghorn LeghornThat must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. -- MoliereThat which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.That's always the way when you discover something new; everyone thinksyou're crazy. -- Evelyn E. SmithThe adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neitherhope nor comfort in sinking to that ...The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him thathe is already degraded. -- George OrwellThe angry man always thinks he can do more than he can. -- Albertano of BresciaThe average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty inthe morning feeling just terrible. -- Jean KerrThe best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. -- BlairThe best portion of a good man's life, his little, nameless, unremembered actsof kindness and love. -- WordsworthThe best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends andfellow passengers who are clinging to t...The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.The bigger they are, the harder they hit.The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressingand humiliating reality. -- Oscar WildeThe correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is noneof my business, but --" is to place a p...The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense isthinking everyone is out to get you. Tha...The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of...The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.The distinction between true and false appears to become increasinglyblurred by... the pollution of the language. -- Arne TiseliusThe end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization. -- Ralph Waldo EmersonThe forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe becauseit lives in a forest. Likewise the f...The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friendof both parties tactfully interferes. -- G.K. ChestertonThe Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize itis your move. -- Frank CraneThe great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude. -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.At the expiration of that period you w...The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.The greatest remedy for anger is delay.The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot ofrelatives on the train for home.The hatred of relatives is the most violent. -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)... the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.The help people need most urgently is help in admitting that they need help.The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,challenging us to be true to ourselve...The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strangeprotein -- it rejects it. -- P. MedawarThe human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them. -- David GerroldThe idle mind knows not what it is it wants. -- Quintus EnniusThe important thing is not to stop questioning.The kind of danger people most enjoy is the kind they can watch froma safe place.The knowledge that makes us cherish innocence makes innocence unattainable. -- Irving HoweThe last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand. -- Fred AllenThe Least Successful Defrosting Device The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancasterwhose l...The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makesso many of them. -- Abraham LincolnThe louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. -- Ralph Waldo EmersonThe major advances in civilization are processes that all but wreck thesocieties in which they occur. -- A.N. WhiteheadThe man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. -- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of twochemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. -- Carl JungThe minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; anothermirror sees the man as frightful and hates...The more I know men the more I like my horse.The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face doesnot approach what your best friends say behind your back. -- Alfred De MussetThe most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. -- Lucille S. HarperThe odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that agebrings wisdom. -- H.L. MenckenThe only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every sainthas a past and every sinner has a future. -- Oscar WildeThe only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.The only rose without thorns is friendship.The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never anyuse to oneself. -- Oscar WildeThe only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revengeand guilt. -- Elvis CostelloThe only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. -- Oscar WildeThe opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensibleenough to give none.The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly -- not justwhen you occasionally are that way, but ...The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself madtrying to stop yourself going mad. You migh...... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished fromother animals only by certain double-edged mani...The probability of someone watching you is proportional to thestupidity of your action.The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you canbe pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. -- Elizabeth TaylorThe propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improperthoughts about their neighbours. -- F.H. BradleyThe reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable onepersists in trying to adapt the world to hims...The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. Thismeans that only left handed people are in their right mind."The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"The second best policy is dishonesty.The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. -- Marcus Tullius CiceroThe strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay.The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. Hecan smile in the face of the most terri...The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have yet to learn-- only the savage fears what he does not understand. -- The Silver SurferThe surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higheresteem those who think alike than those who think differently. -- NietzscheThe things that interest people most are usually none of their business.The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place? -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably remindsthe other fellow of a dull one. -- Sid CaesarThe truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides. -- Andre MalrauxThe very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. -- Miguel de CervantesThe way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones. -- Nathaniel HoweThe way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.The wise man seeks everything in himself; the ignorant man tries to geteverything from somebody else.The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.The wonderful thing about a dancing bear is not how well he dances,but that he dances at all.The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met anopen doorway with an open mind. -- E.B. WhiteThe world needs more people like us and fewer like them.The worst cliques are those which consist of one man. -- G.B. ShawThe worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst." -- King LearThe worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you. -- Bette MidlerThe worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity. -- G.B. ShawThe worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober. -- William Butler YeatsThe worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants andnot give in to it, to spend years in s... Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 yearswith drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies,...There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endureto be thought so.There are many people today who literally do not have a close personalfriend. They may know something that we do...There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. -- Eugene IonescoThere are no emotional victims, only volunteers.There are no great men, buster. There are only men. -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"There are no great men, only great challenges that ordinary men are forcedby circumstances to meet. -- Admiral William HalseyThere are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly. -- Helen RowlandThere are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell thetruth without lying. -- Josh BillingsThere are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The goodsleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. -- Woody AllenThere comes a time to stop being angry. -- A Small Circle of FriendsThere is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery is, if not an antidote,at least an alleviation. If you are ...There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom ithas not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day. -- Friedrich NietzscheThere is brutality and there is honesty. There is no such thing as brutalhonesty.There is no delight the equal of dread. As long as it is somebody else's. --Clive BarkerThere is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.Any attempt to prove otherwise constit...There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. -- Gaius Valerius CatullusThere is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who comesto visit.There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,and that word is blackmail. -- Colm BroganThere may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantlydivide the people of the world in...There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence.There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.There's no saint like a reformed sinner.There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to usethis knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause. -- MachiavelliThey also serve who only stand and wait. -- John MiltonThey are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can seenothing but sea. -- Francis Bacon"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult to like." -- AvonThinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself. -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"This generation doesn't have emotional baggage. We have emotional moving vans. -- Bruce FeirsteinThis sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother'sside. I did not laugh; people who boast...Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who havelearned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee. -- W.S. KrabillThose who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. -- George SantayanaThose who don't know, talk. Those who don't talk, know.Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.To any truly impartial person, it would be obvious that I am always right.To be great is to be misunderstood. -- Ralph Waldo EmersonTo be is to be related. -- C.J. Keyser.To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.To be who one is, is not to be someone else.To be wise, the only thing you really need to know is when to say"I don't know."To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true foryou in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius. -- Ralph Waldo EmersonTo criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticizethe competent.To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenientsolutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection. -- H. Poincar'eTo find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two. -- Norman DouglasTo keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often.To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.To make an enemy, do someone a favor.To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearnold falsehoods. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at whathe has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.Too clever is dumb. -- Ogden NashTroglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. -- Henrik TikkanenTry to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. -- Alan WattsUh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then, straightforwardlystate the thesis I shall now elaborate:...Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. -- e.e. cummingsVila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are...Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and thenthere's nothing left to do but hit the oth...Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- only the willingnessto make it when necessary. -- Frederick DunnVirtue is its own punishment. -- DennistonRighteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment. -- Aneurin BevanVirtue is not left to stand alone. He who practices it will have neighbors. -- ConfuciusVirtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company. -- La RochefoucauldVisits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure. -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime.For a first offense, that is.Walk softly and carry a BFG-9000.Walk softly and carry a big stick. -- Theodore RooseveltWalk softly and carry a megawatt laser.We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon. -- Dr. Konrad AdenauerWe are all born mad. Some remain so. -- Samuel BeckettWe are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. -- Oscar WildeWe are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness. -- A. SchweitzerWe are anthill men upon an anthill world. -- Ray BradburyWe ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. -- Whole Earth CatalogWe are each only one drop in a great ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!We are not loved by our friends for what we are; rather, we are loved inspite of what we are. -- Victor HugoWe are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. -- Jonathan SwiftWe are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and share aspectrum of suns and lands that lends u...We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. -- La RochefoucauldWe have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from themachinations of the wicked.We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. -- Eric HofferWe may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respecttheir good judgement.We only acknowledge small faults in order to make it appear that we arefree from great ones. -- La RouchefoucauldWe prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees theoriginality of a thought, whereas it may b...We prefer to speak evil of ourselves rather than not speak of ourselves at all.We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.We read to say that we have read.We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our bestfriends are trying to kill us.We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. -- ThucydidesWe seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much. -- Jean de la BruyereWe thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closetsize apartments "efficient" and incom...Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted. -- James ThurberWere it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, theformless, queer and incomplete, the unreas...What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable personis one who accepts that we are all huma...What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry? -- Ashleigh Brilliant What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotionalchemistry, so far unexplained by any school...What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formedof frailty and error; let us pardon re...What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they thinkthemselves cleverer than we are.What on earth would a man do with himself if something did not stand in his way? -- H.G. WellsWhat upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that from now on I can nolonger believe you. -- NietzscheWhat we see depends on mainly what we look for. -- John LubbockWhat you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyondyour control. But your fear is yours, ...What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrongwith every one of us -- and that's "selfishness." -- The Best of Will RogersWhat's this stuff about people being "released on their own recognizance"?Aren't we all out on our own recognizance?What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. -- Christopher FryWhatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully likeother people. -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates hismind wonderfully. -- Samuel JohnsonWhen a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four yearsago, he is a broad-minded man who has cou...When all other means of communication fail, try words.When among apes, one must play the ape.When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.When in doubt, do it. It's much easier to apologize than to get permission. -- Grace Murray HopperWhen it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise courseis to believe the one in which people appear...When you dig another out of trouble, you've got a place to bury your own.When you jump for joy, beware that no-one moves the ground from beneathyour feet. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is theimpression you will make.WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have tolaugh because the apes beat him to it by a...Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. -- Oscar WildeWhenever someone tells you to take their advice, you can be pretty surethat they're not using it.... whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or tospend a life knowing exactly what you wan...While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test isadmission to someone else.While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of theircorrectness never does.While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in. -- Dean RuskWhile you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still veryreassuring to know that it's still there.While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you aresafe, for you can watch both of his. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does notbecome a monster. And when you look into...Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was toavoid responsibility with?Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out theyare another's. -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681Why was I born with such contemporaries? -- Oscar WildeWhy, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she kissed her cow. -- RabelaisWill your long-winded speeches never end?What ails you that you keep on arguing? -- Job 16:3Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm asit was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud Itry to be a fraud and a half. -- Otto von BismarkWith clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.Words must be weighed, not counted.Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair -- It gives you something to do,but it doesn't get you anywhere.Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. -- AnonymousYe've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most astonishin'things to preserve their respectabi...Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.You are a wish to be here wishing yourself. -- Philip WhalenYou are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind. -- Sherlock HolmesYou are not a fool just because you have done something foolish --only if the folly of it escapes you.You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault. -- Katharine Fullerton GerouldYou can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow. -- Janis JoplinYou can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.You can't cheat an honest man. Never give a sucker an even break orsmarten up a chump. -- W.C. FieldsYou can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up. -- Peter FramptonYou can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too. -- Ayn RandYou can't hold a man down without staying down with him. -- Booker T. WashingtonYou can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principleis that it can always be sacrificed to expediency. -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"You can't play your friends like marks, kid. -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spasticenough worrying about what's happening now. -- Lauren Bacall"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't." -- Dagwood BumsteadYou cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. -- Indira GandhiYou cannot use your friends and have them too.You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the firstand last month in advance.You don't have to be nice to people on the way up if you're not planning oncoming back down. -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"You don't have to explain something you never said. -- Calvin CoolidgeYou give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness. -- GoetheYou got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going,because you might not get there. -- Yogi BerraYou have not converted a man because you have silenced him. -- John Viscount MorleyYou humans are all alike.You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up! -- Dylan ThomasYou know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it. -- MaharbalYou know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothesyou wore home from the party and there aren't any.You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm. -- Dean WebberYou know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday. -- GarfieldYou know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language is revenge. -- Peter BeardYou know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit. -- E.A. GilliamYou know you're in trouble when...(1) You wake up face down on the pavement.(2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorou...You know you're in trouble when...(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your skirt is caug...You know you're in trouble when...(1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a grou...You know you're in trouble when...(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own busines...You know your apartment is small... when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time. you put your ...You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," heis preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. -- Sydney HarrisYou may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with him. -- Ed HoweYou men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success.You know, for example, that you should...You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyaltyto his own concept of the obligations of ...You never gain something but that you lose something. -- ThoreauYou never get a second chance to make a first impression.You never go anywhere without your soul.You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. -- William BlakeYou never learn anything by doing it right.You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you couldknow how seldom they do. -- Olin Miller. "You say there are two types of people?" "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that don't." ...You see things; and you say "Why?"But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?" -- George Bernard Sha...You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends. -- Joseph ConradYou should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.You should make a point of trying every experience once -- exceptincest and folk-dancing. -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put your feet in itand swish them around a little. -- GuindonYou want to know why I kept getting promoted? Because my mouth knows morethan my brain. -- W.G.You won't skid if you stay in a rut. -- Frank HubbardYou'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m.anyway. -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwellYou'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control. -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"You're always thinking you're gonna be the one that makes 'em act different. -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"You're either part of the solution or part of the problem. -- Eldridge CleaverYou're never too old to become younger. -- Mae WestYou've always made the mistake of being yourself. -- Eugene IonescoYou've been telling me to relax all the way here, and now you're tellingme just to be myself? -- The Return of the Secaucus SevenYoung men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than forcounsel; and fitter for new projects t...Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools. -- George ChapmanYoung men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young. -- Augustus CaesarYour Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts ...Here's How You Can TellMany Americans work side by side wi...Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops youfrom enjoying it.Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than youracquaintances will know you in a thousand years. -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance ofcourage over timidity, of the appetite for ad...Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret. -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"Youth is a disease from which we all recover. -- Dorothy Fuldheim Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper ofthe will, a quality of the imagination, a v...If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will saveyou. If you do not bring forth what is with...I am myself plus my circumstance, and if I do not save it, I cannotsave myself. -- Jos'e Ortega Y GassetIf a man slept by day, he had little time to work. That was asatisfying notion to Escargot. -- "The Stone Giant", James P. BlaylockHe liked fishing a little too much, and he believed that work wassomething a man did when he had to. He had alwa...Would a giant, profit-oriented cartel lie to you? -- Top Ten List, Late Night with David LettermanSome days you wake and immediately start worrying. Nothing inparticular is wrong, it's just the suspicion that f...When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, butonly a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, ...I am examining you on your fool ideas that no intelligent Christianon earth believes. -- Clarence Darrow, to William Jennings Bryan"Go on, girl! You'll never get a better chance to buy Jif at thisprice. *Carpe diem*, babe!" -- "The Naked Consumer", Erik LarsonI'm enthralled by combine harvesters. In fact, I yearn to have one --as a pet. -- "The Day of the Jackal"The horizon of many people is a circle with a radius of zero. They call this their point of view. -- Albert EinsteinAll language designers are arrogant. Goes with the territory... :-) -- Larry Wall in <1991Jul13.010945.19157@netlabs.comAlthough the Perl Slogan is There's More Than One Way to Do It, I hesitateto make 10 ways to do something. :-) ...And don't tell me there isn't one bit of difference between null and space,because that's exactly how much differ..."And I don't like doing silly things (except on purpose)." -- Larry Wall in <1992Jul3.191825.14435@netlabs.com>: And it goes against the grain of building small tools.Innocent, Your Honor. Perl users build small tool.../* And you'll never guess what the dog had *//* in its mouth... */ -- Larry Wall in stab.c from the perl source codeBecause . doesn't match n. [0-377] is the most efficient way to matcheverything currently. Maybe e should match...Be consistent. -- Larry Wall in the perl man pageBesides, including <std_ice_cubes.h> is a fatal error on machines thatdon't have it yet. Bad language design, th...Besides, it's good to force C programmers to use the toolbox occasionally. :-) -- Larry Wall in <1991May31.181659.28817@jpl-devvax.jpl.nasa.gov>Besides, REAL computers have a rename() system call. :-) -- Larry Wall in <7937@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>break; /* don't do magic till later */ -- Larry Wall in stab.c from the perl source codeBut you have to allow a little for the desire to evangelize when youthink you have good news. -- Larry Wall in <1992Aug26.184221.29627@netlabs.com>Chip Salzenberg sent me a complete patch to add System V IPC (msg, sem andshm calls), so I added them. If that b.../* dbmrefcnt--; */ /* doesn't work, rats */ -- Larry Wall in hash.c from the perl source code#define NULL 0 /* silly thing is, we don't even use this */ -- Larry Wall in perl.c from the perl source code#define SIGILL 6 /* blech */ -- Larry Wall in perl.c from the perl source codeDoes the same as the system call of that name.If you don't know what it does, don't worry about it. -...double value; /* or your money back! */short changed; /* so triple your money back! ...Down that path lies madness. On the other hand, the road to hell ispaved with melting snowballs. -- ...echo "Congratulations. You aren't running Eunice." -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distributionecho "Hmmm...you don't have Berkeley networking in libc.a..."echo "but the Wollongong group seems to have hacked ...echo "ICK, NOTHING WORKED!!! You may have to diddle the includes.";; -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distributionecho $package has manual pages available in source form.echo "However, you don't have nroff, so they're probably ...echo "Your stdio isn't very std." -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution#else /* !STDSTDIO */ /* The big, slow, and stupid way */ -- Larry Wall in str.c from the perl source code[End of diatribe. We now return you to your regularly scheduledprogramming...] -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distributionEven if you aren't in doubt, consider the mental welfare of the person whohas to maintain the code after you, and..."Help save the world!" -- Larry Wall in READMEHey, I had to let awk be better at *something*... :-) -- Larry Wall in <1991Nov7.200504.25280@netlabs.com>1I already have too much problem with people thinking the efficiency ofa perl construct is related to its length. ...I don't know if it's what you want, but it's what you get. :-) -- Larry Wall in <10502@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>I dunno, I dream in Perl sometimes... -- Larry Wall in <8538@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>If I allowed "next $label" then I'd also have to allow "goto $label",and I don't think you really want that... :...If I don't document something, it's usually either for a good reason,or a bad reason. In this case it's a good r..."I find this a nice feature but it is not according to the documentation.Or is it a BUG?""Let's call it an accide...if (instr(buf,sys_errlist[errno])) /* you don't see this */ -- Larry Wall in eval.c from the perl source codeif (rsfp = mypopen("/bin/mail root","w")) { /* heh, heh */ -- Larry Wall in perl.c from the perl source codeIf you consistently take an antagonistic approach, however, people aregoing to start thinking you're from New Yor...If you want to program in C, program in C. It's a nice language. Iuse it occasionally... :-) -- Larry Wall in <7577@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>If you want to see useful Perl examples, we can certainly arrange to havecomp.lang.misc flooded with them, but I ...If you want your program to be readable, consider supplying the argument. -- Larry Wall in the perl man pageI know it's weird, but it does make it easier to write poetry in perl. :-) -- Larry Wall in <7865@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>I'll say it again for the logic impaired. -- Larry WallI might be able to shoehorn a reference count in on top of the numericvalue by disallowing multiple references on...I'm sure that that could be indented more readably, but I'm scared ofthe awk parser. -- Larry Wall in <6849@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>In general, if you think something isn't in Perl, try it out, because itusually is. :-) -- Larry Wall in <1991Jul31.174523.9447@netlabs.com>In general, they do what you want, unless you want consistency. -- Larry Wall in the perl man pageInterestingly enough, since subroutine declarations can come anywhere,you wouldn't have to put BEGIN {} at the be...I think it's a new feature. Don't tell anyone it was an accident. :-) -- Larry Wall on s/foo/bar/eieio in <10911@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>"It is easier to port a shell than a shell script." -- Larry WallIt is, of course, written in Perl. Translation to C is left as anexercise for the reader. :-) -- Larry Wall in <7448@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>It's all magic. :-) -- Larry Wall in <7282@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>It's documented in The Book, somewhere... -- Larry Wall in <10502@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>> (It's sorta like sed, but not. It's sorta like awk, but not. etc.)Guilty as charged. Perl is happily ugly, a...It's there as a sop to former Ada programmers. :-) -- Larry Wall regarding 10_000_000 in <11556@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>It won't be covered in the book. The source code has to be useful forsomething, after all... :-) -- Larry Wall in <10160@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>: I've heard that there is a shell (bourne or csh) to perl filter, does: anyone know of this or where I can get...: I've tried (in vi) "g/[a-z]n[a-z]/s//_/"...but that doesn't: cut it. Any ideas? (I take it that it may ...I won't mention any names, because I don't want to get sun4's intotrouble... :-) -- Larry Wall in <11333@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>Just don't compare it with a real language, or you'll be unhappy... :-) -- Larry Wall in <1992May12.190238.5667@netlabs.com>Just don't create a file called -rf. :-) -- Larry Wall in <11393@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>last|perl -pe '$_ x=/(..:..)...(.*)/&&"'$1'"ge$1&&"'$1'"lt$2'That's gonna be tough for Randal to beat... :-) ...Let's say the docs present a simplified view of reality... :-) -- Larry Wall in <6940@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>Let us be charitable, and call it a misleading feature :-) -- Larry Wall in <2609@jato.Jpl.Nasa.Gov>Lispers are among the best grads of the Sweep-It-Under-Someone-Else's-CarpetSchool of Simulated Simplicity. [Was...No, I'm not going to explain it. If you can't figure it out, you didn'twant to know anyway... :-) -.../* now make a new head in the exact same spot */ -- Larry Wall in cons.c from the perl source codeOK, enough hype. -- Larry Wall in the perl man pageOOPS! You naughty creature! You didn't run Configure with sh!I will attempt to remedy the situation by running ...Perl is designed to give you several ways to do anything, soconsider picking the most readable one. -- Larry Wall in the perl man pagePerl itself is usually pretty good about telling you what you shouldn'tdo. :-) -- Larry Wall in <11091@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>Perl programming is an *empirical* science! -- Larry Wall in <10226@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>pos += screamnext[pos] /* does this goof up anywhere? */ -- Larry Wall in util.c from the perl source codeQ. Why is this so clumsy?A. The trick is to use Perl's strengths rather than its weaknesses. -- Larry Wall in <8225@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>Randal said it would be tough to do in sed. He didn't say he didn'tunderstand sed. Randal understands sed quite...Real programmers can write assembly code in any language. :-) -- Larry Wall in <8571@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>Remember though thatTHERE IS NO GENERAL RULE FOR CONVERTING A LIST INTO A SCALAR. -- Larry Wall in the perl man pages = (char*)(long)retval; /* ouch */ -- Larry Wall in doio.c from the perl source codesignal(i, SIG_DFL); /* crunch, crunch, crunch */ -- Larry Wall in doarg.c from the perl source codeSorry. My testing organization is either too small, or too large, dependingon how you look at it. :-) ...stab_val(stab)->str_nok = 1; /* what a wonderful hack! */ -- Larry Wall in stab.c from the perl source codestr->str_pok |= SP_FBM; /* deep magic */s = (unsigned char*)(str->str_ptr); /* deeper...Tactical? TACTICAL!?!? Hey, buddy, we went from kilotons to megatonsseveral minutes ago. We don't need no stin...That means I'll have to use $ans to suppress newlines now.Life is ridiculous. -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distributionThe autodecrement is not magical. -- Larry Wall in the perl man pageThe only disadvantage I see is that it would force everyone to get Perl.Horrors. :-) -- Larry Wall in <8854@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>*** The previous line contains the naughty word "$&".nif /(ibm|apple|awk)/; # :-) -- Larry Wall in the perl man pageThere ain't nothin' in this world that's worth being a snot over. -- Larry Wall in <1992Aug19.041614.6963@netlabs.com>There are many times when you want it to ignore the rest of the string justlike atof() does. Oddly enough, Perl ...There are probably better ways to do that, but it would make the parsermore complex. I do, occasionally, struggl...There are still some other things to do, so don't think if I didn't fixyour favorite bug that your bug report is ...There is, however, a strange, musty smell in the air that reminds me ofsomething...hmm...yes...I've got it...ther..."The road to hell is paved with melting snowballs." -- Larry Wall in <1992Jul2.222039.26476@netlabs.com>/* This bit of chicanery makes a unary function followed bya parenthesis into a function with one argument, highe..."...this does not mean that some of us should not want, in a ratherdispassionate sort of way, to put a bullet thr...> This made me wonder, suddenly: can telnet be written in perl?Of course it can be written in Perl. Now if you'd...Though I'll admit readability suffers slightly... -- Larry Wall in <2969@jato.Jpl.Nasa.Gov>tmps_base = tmps_max; /* protect our mortal string */ -- Larry Wall in stab.c from the perl source codeUnix is like a toll road on which you have to stop every 50 feet topay another nickel. But hey! You only feel 5..."We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree onwhen it's necessary to compromise." .../* we have tried to make this normal case as abnormal as possible */ -- Larry Wall in cmd.c from the perl source codeWhat about WRITING it first and rationalizing it afterwords? :-) -- Larry Wall in <8162@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>: 1. What is the possibility of this being added in the future?In the near future, the probability is close to z..."What is the sound of Perl? Is it not the sound of a wall thatpeople have stopped banging their heads against?" ...When in doubt, parenthesize. At the very least it will let somepoor schmuck bounce on the % key in vi. -- Larry Wall in the perl man page"You can't have filenames longer than 14 chars.You can't even think about them!" -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distributionYou have to admit that it's difficult to misplace the Perl sources. :-) -- Larry Wall in <1992Aug26.184221.29627@netlabs.com>Your csh still thinks true is false. Write to your vendor today and tellthem that next year Configure ought to "...You want it in one line? Does it have to fit in 80 columns? :-) -- Larry Wall in <7349@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>Well, enough clowning around. Perl is, in intent, a cleaned up andsummarized version of that wonderful semi-natu...Anyway, there's plenty of room for doubt. It might seem easy enough,but computer language design is just like a ...I want to see people using Perl to glue things together creatively, notjust technically but also socially. ...The whole history of computers is rampant with cheerleading at best andbigotry at worst. -- Larry Wall in <199702111730.JAA28598@wall.org>Unix weanies are as bad at this as anyone. -- Larry Wall in <199702111730.JAA28598@wall.org>If someone stinks, view it as a reason to help them, not a reason toavoid them. -- Larry Wall in <199702111730.JAA28598@wall.org>As usual, I'm overstating the case to knock a few neurons loose, but thetruth is usually somewhere in the muddle,...Odd that we think definitions are definitive. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199702221943.LAA20388@wall.org>: But for some things, Perl just isn't the optimal choice.(yet) :-) -- Larry Wall in <199702221943.LAA20388@wall.org>I don't like this official/unofficial distinction. It sound, er, officious. -- Larry Wall in <199702221943.LAA20388@wall.org>If you write something wrong enough, I'll be glad to make up a newwitticism just for you. -- Larry Wall in <199702221943.LAA20388@wall.org>Perl 5 introduced everything else, including the ability to introduceeverything else. -- Larry Wall in <199702252152.NAA28845@wall.org>So far we've managed to avoid turning Perl into APL. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199702251904.LAA28261@wall.org>Not that I have anything much against redundancy. But I said that already. -- Larry Wall in <199702271735.JAA04048@wall.org>They can always run stderr through uniq. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199704012331.PAA16535@wall.org>I'd put my money where my mouth is, but my mouth keeps moving. -- Larry Wall in <199704051723.JAA28035@wall.org>Of course, I reserve the right to make wholly stupid changes to Perlif I think they improve the language. :-) ...Call me bored, but don't call me boring. -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org>I think $[ is more like a coelacanth than a mastadon. -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org>: I used to think that this was just another demonstration of Larry's: enormous skill at pulling off what other p...We question most of the mantras around here periodically, in caseyou hadn't noticed. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org>(Presuming for the sake of argument that it's even *possible* to designbetter code in Perl than in C. :-) -- Larry Wall on core code vs. module code design: The hierarchy is excessive.So is the anarchy. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org>That could certainly be done, but I don't want to fall into the Forthtrap, where every running Forth implementati...Tcl long ago fell into the Forth trap, and is now trying desperately toextricate itself (with some help from Sun'...The core is not frozen, but slushy. -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org>The whole intent of Perl 5's module system was to encourage the growthof Perl culture rather than the Perl core. ...Randal can write one-liners again. Everyone is happy, and peace spreadsover the whole Earth. -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org>Life gets boring, someone invents another necessity, and once again weturn the crank on the screwjack of progress...No prisoner's dilemma here. Over the long term, symbiosis is moreuseful than parasitism. More fun, too. Ask an...Obviously I was either onto something, or on something. -- Larry Wall on the creation of PerlIt's the Magic that counts. -- Larry Wall on Perl's apparent uglinessMay you do Good Magic with Perl. -- Larry Wall's blessingP.S. Perl's master plan (or what passes for one) is to take over theworld like English did. Er, *as* English did...You can prove anything by mentioning another computer language. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199706242038.NAA29853@wall.org>I think you didn't get a reply because you used the terms "correct" and"proper", neither of which has much meanin...I'm sure a mathematician would claim that 0 and 1 are both veryinteresting numbers. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199707300650.XAA05515@wall.org>True, it returns "" for false, but "" is an even more interestingnumber than 0. -- Larry Wall in <199707300650.XAA05515@wall.org>Any false value is gonna be fairly boring in Perl, mathematiciansnotwithstanding. -- Larry Wall in <199707300650.XAA05515@wall.org>We didn't put in ^^ because then we'd have to keep telling people whatit means, and then we'd have to keep tellin...Anybody want a binary telemetry frame editor written in Perl? -- Larry Wall in <199708012226.PAA22015@wall.org>Most places distinguish them merely by using the appropriate value.Hooray for context... -- Larry Wall in <199708040319.UAA16213@wall.org>But then it's a bit odd to think that declaring something int couldactually slow down the program, if it ended up...It's possible that I'm just an idiot, and don't recognize a sleepyslavemaster when I see one. -- Larry Wall in <199708040319.UAA16213@wall.org>Perhaps I'm missing the gene for making enemies. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199708040319.UAA16213@wall.org>Perl has a long tradition of working around compilers. -- Larry Wall in <199708252256.PAA00105@wall.org>Personally, I like to defiantly split my infinitives. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199708271551.IAA10211@wall.org>Real theology is always rather shocking to people who alreadythink they know what they think. I'm still shocked ...But maybe we don't really need that... -- Larry Wall in <199709011851.LAA07101@wall.org>The computer should be doing the hard work. That's what it's paid to do,after all. -- Larry Wall in <199709012312.QAA08121@wall.org>The following two statements are usually both true:There's not enough documentation.There's too much documentatio...I don't think I'm gonna agree with that. Way too much visual confusion... -- Larry Wall in <199709021627.JAA11966@wall.org>There's certainly precedent for that already too. (Not claiming it's*good* precedent, mind you. :-) ...Of course, this being Perl, we could always take both approaches. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199709021744.KAA12428@wall.org>For the run-time caching, I was going to suggest "cached" (doh!), butperhaps "once" is more meaningful to ordinar...The random quantum fluctuations of my brain are historical accidents thathappen to have decided that the concepts...At many levels, Perl is a "diagonal" language. -- Larry Wall in <199709021854.LAA12794@wall.org>I'm serious about thinking through all the possibilities before wesettle on anything. All things have the advant...Part of language design is purturbing the proposed feature in variousdirections to see how it might generalize in...Sometimes we choose the generalization. Sometimes we don't. -- Larry Wall in <199709032332.QAA21669@wall.org>I wouldn't ever write the full sentence myself, but then, I never usegoto either. -- Larry Wall in <199709032332.QAA21669@wall.org>It's appositival, if it's there. And it doesn't have to be there.And it's really obvious that it's there when it...Oh, get ahold of yourself. Nobody's proposing that we parse English. -- Larry Wall in <199709032332.QAA21669@wall.org>As with all the other proposals, it's basically just a list of words.You can deal with that... :-) -- Larry Wall in <199709032332.QAA21669@wall.org>I hope I'm not getting so famous that I can't think out load [sic] anymore. -- Larry Wall in <199709032332.QAA21669@wall.org>It would be possible to optimize some forms of goto, but I haven'tbothered. -- Larry Wall in <199709041935.MAA27136@wall.org>A "goto" in Perl falls into the category of hard things that should bepossible, not easy things that should be ea...How do Crays and Alphas handle the POSIX problem? -- Larry Wall in <199709050042.RAA29379@wall.org>One of the reasons Perl is faster than certain other unnamed interpretedlanguages is that it binds variable names...Well, that's more-or-less what I was saying, though obviously additionis a little more cosmic than the bitwise op...You tell it that it's indicative by appending $!. That's why we made $!such a short variable name, after all. :...The choice of approaches could be made the responsibility of theprogrammer. -- Larry Wall in <199709081901.MAA20863@wall.org>As someone pointed out, you could have an attribute that says "optimizethe heck out of this routine", and your de...I guess what I'm saying is that the croak in question is requiringagreement (in the linguistic sense) that isn't ...If you're going to define a shortcut, then make it the base [sic] darnshortcut you can. -- Larry Wall in <199709241628.JAA08908@wall.org>It is my job in life to travel all roads, so that some may take the roadless travelled, and others the road more ...It's getting harder and harder to think out loud. One of these dayssomeone's gonna go off and kill Thomas a'Beck...I was about to say, "Avoid fame like the plague," but you know, they cancure the plague with penicillin these day...But the possibility of abuse may be a good reason for leavingcapabilities out of other computer languages, it's n...Oh, wait, that was Randal...nevermind... -- Larry Wall in <199709261754.KAA23761@wall.org>:-) your own self. -- Larry Wall in <199709261754.KAA23761@wall.org>P.S. I suppose I really should be nicer to people today, consideringI'll be singing in Billy Graham's choir toni...Magically turning people's old scalar contexts into list contexts is arecipe for several kinds of disaster. ...: The following (relative to AutoSplit 1.03) attempts to please everyone: and perhaps pleases no one:I think that...And we can always supply them with a program that makes identical filesinto links to a single file. -- Larry Wall in <199709292012.NAA09616@wall.org>I wasn't recommending that we make the links for them, only provide themwith the tools to do so if they want to t...This has been planned for some time. I guess we'll just have to findsomeone with an exceptionally round tuit. ... switch (ref $@) { OverflowError =>warn "Dam needs to be drained"; DomainError =>warn "King needs to be ...I surely do hope that's a syntax error. -- Larry Wall in <199710011752.KAA21624@wall.org>Soitainly. I was assuming that came with the OO-ness of it. -- Larry Wall in <199710011802.LAA21692@wall.org>Because the demand for it is low enough that it would be best handledas an XSUB, and the demand for it is low eno...But that looks a little too much like a declaration for my tastes, whenin fact it isn't one. So forget I mention...I'm not sure whether that's actually useful... -- Larry Wall in <199710011704.KAA21395@wall.org>Anyway, my money is still on use strict vars . . . -- Larry Wall in <199710011704.KAA21395@wall.org>By rule #1, 5.005 should always allow localization of lexical @_ . . . -- Larry Wall in <199710011704.KAA21395@wall.org>I *know* it's weird, but strict vars already comes very, very close topartitioning the crowd into those who can d...If you remove stricture from a large Perl program currently, you're justinstalling delayed bugs, whereas with thi...The reason I like hitching a ride on strict vars is that it cuts downthe number of rarely used pragmas people hav...I don't think it's worth washing hogs over. -- Larry Wall in <199710060253.TAA09723@wall.org>It's certainly easy to calculate the average attendance for Perlconferences. -- Larry Wall in <199710071721.KAA19014@wall.org>Tcl tends to get ported to weird places like routers. -- Larry Wall in <199710071721.KAA19014@wall.org>Historically Tcl has always stored all intermediate results as strings.(With 8.0 they're rethinking that. Of cou...I knew I'd hate COBOL the moment I saw they'd used "perform" instead of"do". -- Larry Wall on a not-so-popular programming languageJust don't make the '9' format pack/unpack numbers... :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710091434.HAA00838@wall.org>I think that's easier to read. Pardon me. Less difficult to read. -- Larry Wall in <199710120226.TAA06867@wall.org>That wouldn't be good enough. -- Larry Wall in <199710131621.JAA14907@wall.org>To ordinary folks, conversion is not always automatic. It's somethingthat may or may not require explicit assist...The prayer of serenity applies here. To both of us. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710141802.LAA22443@wall.org>Well, you can implement a Perl peek() with unpack('P',...). Once youhave that, there's only security through obs...It may be possible to get this condition from within Perl if a signalhandler runs at just the wrong moment. Anot...As pointed out in a followup, Real Perl Programmers prefer things to bevisually distinct. -- Larry Wall in <199710161841.LAA13208@wall.org>The Harvard Law states: Under controlled conditions of light, temperature,humidity, and nutrition, the organism ...That should probably be written: no !@#$%^&*:@!semicolon -- Larry Wall in <199710161841.LAA13208@wall.org>That gets us out of deciding how to spell Reg[eE]xp?|RE . . .Of course, then we have to decide what ref $re retur...Depends on how you define "always". :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710211647.JAA17957@wall.org>'Course, that doesn't work when 'a' contains parentheses. -- Larry Wall in <199710211647.JAA17957@wall.org>I was trying not to mention backtracking. Which, of course, means thatyours is "righter" than mine, in a theoret...Not that I'm against sneaking some notions into people's heads uponoccasion. (Or blasting them in outright.) ...(To the extent that anyone but a Prolog programmer can understand X totally.(And to the extent that a Prolog prog...But you'll notice Perl has a goto. -- Larry Wall in <199710211624.JAA17833@wall.org>Suppose you're working on an optimizer to render X unnecessary (orrather, redundant, which isn't the same thing i...Wow, I'm being shot at from both sides. That means I *must* be right. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710211959.MAA18990@wall.org>You don't have to wait--you can have it in 5.004_54 or so. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710221740.KAA24455@wall.org>There's something to be said for returning the whole syntax tree. -- Larry Wall in <199710221833.LAA24741@wall.org>It's not really a rule--it's more like a trend. -- Larry Wall in <199710221721.KAA24321@wall.org>Double *sigh*. _04 is going onto thousands of CDs even as we speak,so to speak. -- Larry Wall in <199710221718.KAA24299@wall.org>The code also assumes that it's difficult to misspell "a" or "b". :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710221731.KAA24396@wall.org>Well, hey, let's just make everything into a closure, and then we'llhave our general garbage collector, installed...No, that'd be silly. -- Larry Wall in <199710221710.KAA24242@wall.org>People who understand context would be steamed to have someone elsedictating how they can call it. -- Larry Wall in <199710221710.KAA24242@wall.org>For the sake of argument I'll ignore all your fighting words. -- Larry Wall in <199710221710.KAA24242@wall.org>Think of prototypes as a funny markup language--the interpretation isleft up to the rendering engine. ...Either approach may give birth to various sorts of monstrosities. -- Larry Wall in <199710221950.MAA25210@wall.org>The way these things go, there are probably 6 or 8 kludgey ways to doit, and a better way that involves rethinkin...Obviously your filters are throwing away mail from Randal. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710221937.MAA25131@wall.org>Beauty? What's that? -- Larry Wall in <199710221937.MAA25131@wall.org>Oh yeah. Forgot about those. Getting senile, I guess... -- Larry Wall in <199710261551.HAA17791@wall.org>'Course, I haven't weighed in yet. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710281816.KAA29614@wall.org>I'm afraid my gut level reaction is basically, "'proceed' is cute, butcute doesn't cut it in the emergency room."...I suppose one could claim that an undocumented feature has nosemantics. :-( -- Larry Wall in <199710290036.QAA01818@wall.org>: How would you disambiguate these situations?By shooting the person who did the latter. -- Larry Wall in <199710290235.SAA02444@wall.org>Yes, we have consensus that we need 64 bit support. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710291922.LAA07101@wall.org>: - cut in regexpsI don't think we reached consensus on that. We're still backtracking... -- Larry Wall in <199710291922.LAA07101@wall.org>Maybe it's time to break that. -- Larry Wall in <199710311718.JAA19082@wall.org>Boss: You forgot to assign the result of your map!Hacker: Dang, I'm always forgetting my assignations...Boss: And...Perhaps they will have to outlaw sending random lists of words. fee fiefoe foo [sic] -- Larry Wall in <199710311916.LAA19760@wall.org>Hey, if pi == 3, and three == 0, does that make pi == 0? :-) -- Larry Wall in <199711011926.LAA25557@wall.org>I think you're letting your knowledge of internals interfere with yourlinguistic judgement here. -- Larry Wall in <199711011949.LAA25651@wall.org>(Never thought I'd be telling Malcolm and Ilya the same thing... :-) -- Larry Wall in <199711071819.KAA29909@wall.org>And other operators aren't so special syntactically, but weirdin other ways, like "scalar", and "goto". ...Portability should be the default. -- Larry Wall in <199711072201.OAA01123@wall.org>Actually, it also looks like we should optimize (13,2,42,8,'hike') intoa pp_padav copy as well. -- Larry Wall in <199711081945.LAA06315@wall.org>If this were Ada, I suppose we'd just constant fold 1/0 into die "Illegal division by zero" -- Larry Wall in <199711100226.SAA12549@wall.org>Are you perchance running on a 64-bit machine? -- Larry Wall in <199711102149.NAA16878@wall.org>Almost nothing in Perl serves a single purpose. -- Larry Wall in <199712040054.QAA13811@wall.org>There's some entertainment value in watching people juggle nitroglycerin. -- Larry Wall in <199712041747.JAA18908@wall.org>Reserve your abuse for your true friends. -- Larry Wall in <199712041852.KAA19364@wall.org>Er, Tom, I hate to be the one to point this out, but your fix listis starting to resemble a feature list. You mu...It's hard to tune heavily tuned code. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199801141725.JAA07555@wall.org>Perl will always provide the null. -- Larry Wall in <199801151818.KAA14538@wall.org>It's easy to solve the halting problem with a shotgun. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199801151836.KAA14656@wall.org>Well, I think Perl should run faster than C. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199801200306.TAA11638@wall.org>To Perl, or not to Perl, that is the kvetching. -- Larry Wall in <199801200310.TAA11670@wall.org>A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. -- Ogden Nash A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons tothe bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimme a whiskey...About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.All intelligent species own cats.Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall beliable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leadi...Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. -- R. Heinlein "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?" "The curious incident of the stable dog in the ni...Auribus teneo lupum. [I hold a wolf by the ears.] [Boy, it *sounds* good. But what does it *mean*?]Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. -- Garrison KeillorCats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull a sled throughthe snow.Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that shivers when it's warm."Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of moderntechnology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I thinkthat's how dogs spend their lives. -- Sue MurphyDoes the name Pavlov ring a bell?Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important peopleand the rest of us.Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humansare just to big-headed to admit thei...For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.Hi! You have reached 555-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone andthe cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, ...I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the gutsto bite people themselves. -- August StrindbergI love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog. It's a ratwith a thyroid problem.If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.We're offering a substantial reward. H...If you are a police dog, where's your badge? -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd crazy."If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a littleLavoris in the toilet." -- Jay LenoIf you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of anew cat hospital, and you hate cats, yo...In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man. -- Martin MullIt is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.Lost: gray and white female cat. Answers to electric can opener.Never try to outstubborn a cat. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unlessabsolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. -- Fran LebowitzNo one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.PENGUINICITY!!Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity."Shelter," what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to bechewed and digested. -- Francis Bacon [As...Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feellike I've just got to bite a cat! I feel li...Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's on sale.After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they'recalled. Cats take a message and get back to you.The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs. -- Kevin CowherdThe only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything. -- C. SchulzThere are many intelligent species in the universe, and they all own cats.There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.To err is human,To purr feline. -- Robert ByrneWhen man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it will attemptto defend itself when he tries to kill it.When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these littlemuddy paw prints on the hood of my car.Who loves me will also love my dog. -- John DonneWith a rubber duck, one's never alone. -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"(1) Everything depends.(2) Nothing is always.(3) Everything is sometimes.42A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances arecorrect. -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. -- CervantesA bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door boughtan album too, and started her own collect...A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. Kites riseagainst the wind, not with it.A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.A chronic disposition to inquiry deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.A closed mouth gathers no foot.A couch is as good as a chair.A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.A day without sunshine is like night.A dead man cannot bite. -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)A farmer is a man outstanding in his field. A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "FreeChickens. Our Coop Runneth Over." A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup forher birthday. An hour later, when wandering t...A fool and his money are soon popular.A fool and your money are soon partners.A fool must now and then be right by chance.A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. -- Ralph Waldo EmersonA friend in need is a pest indeed.A full belly makes a dull brain. -- Ben Franklin [and the local candy machine man. Ed] A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two bestfriends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When...A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).A good memory does not equal pale ink.A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever. -- J. HawesA good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. -- PattonA good reputation is more valuable than money. -- Publilius SyrusA good scapegoat is hard to find.A guilty conscience is the mother of invention. -- Carolyn WellsA handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for? A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're threedays old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. -- Lao TsuA journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet. -- Lao TsuA king's castle is his home.A lie in time saves nine.A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time oftrouble. -- Adlai StevensonA likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. -- AristotleA little experience often upsets a lot of theory.A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. -- C.E. AyresA little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. -- H.H. Munro, "Saki"A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddlesin the road. -- Alexander SmithA man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learnin no other way.A man with one watch knows what time it is.A man with two watches is never quite sure.A man's best friend is his dogma.A man's house is his castle. -- Sir Edward CokeA man's house is his hassle.A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.A penny saved has not been spent.A penny saved is ridiculous.A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in hismouth.A place for everything and everything in its place. -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management" ...A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it. -- Stanley BaldwinA plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques contaminatethe potable concoction produced by steeping certain edible nutriments.A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea."A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."A rolling stone gathers momentum.A rolling stone gathers no moss. -- Publilius SyrusA shortcut is the longest distance between two points.A sinking ship gathers no moss. -- Donald KaulA Smith & Wesson beats four aces.A snake lurks in the grass. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. -- Proverbs 15:1A soft drink turneth away company.A song in time is worth a dime.A stitch in time saves nine.A violent man will die a violent death. -- Lao TsuA watched clock never boils.A wise man can see more from a mountain top than a fool can from the bottomof a well.A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from amountain top.A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. -- Chinese proverbA witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless getspeople's attention.A witty saying proves nothing. -- VoltaireA word to the wise is enough. -- Miguel de CervantesAbove all else -- sky.Above all things, reverence yourself.Absence makes the heart forget.Absence makes the heart go wander.Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.Absence makes the heart grow fonder. -- Sextus AureliusAbsence makes the heart grow frantic.Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) -- Stafford BeerAd astra per aspera. [To the stars by aspiration.]Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] -- OvidAdvice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. -- Italian proverbAge and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. -- Dorothy ParkerAim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star. -- W. Clement StoneAin't no right way to do a wrong thing. -- The Mad DogtenderAlas, I am dying beyond my means. -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]Alimony is the high cost of leaving.All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.-- When there are visible vapors having...All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. -- KingfishAll is fear in love and war.All is well that ends well. -- John HeywoodAll that glitters has a high refractive index.All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.All things being equal, you are bound to lose.All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.All's well that ends.An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth orone-and-a-half truths. -- Karl KrausAn apple a day makes 365 apples a year.An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.An idle mind is worth two in the bush.An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. -- Michael KordaAn ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. -- Spanish proverb"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."And tomorrow will be like today, only more so. -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard VersionAnswer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. -- Proverbs, 26:5Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --a cliche is a sure and certain way to di...Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. -- Sydney J. HarrisAny road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.Fro...Anything is possible on paper. -- Ron McAfeeAnything is possible, unless it's not.Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hithertoundone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. -- Miguel de CervantesAsk not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-stationrate. -- Howard KandelAsk not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.Avoid cliches like the plague. They're a dime a dozen.Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. -- HomerBe sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.Beggars should be no choosers. -- John HeywoodBetter dead than mellow.Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.Better late than never. -- Titus Livius (Livy)Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. -- motto of the Christopher SocietyBetter tried by twelve than carried by six. -- Jeff CooperBeware of friends who are false and deceitful.Beware of geeks bearing graft.Call on God, but row away from the rocks. -- Indian proverbCharity begins at home. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. -- P.J. O'RourkeCleanliness is next to impossible.Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary""Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong." -- Blair HoughtonCuriosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.Desist from enumerating your fowl prior to their emergence from the shell.Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. -- AesopDo unto others before they undo you.Do, or do not; there is no try.Doing gets it done.Don't get even -- get odd!Don't get mad, get even. -- Joseph P. KennedyDon't get even, get jewelry. -- AnonymousDon't get mad, get interest.Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because if you enjoy it today,you can do it again tomorrow.Eschew obfuscation.Every path has its puddle.Every silver lining has a cloud around it.Every solution breeds new problems.Expedience is the best teacher.Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"Familiarity breeds attempt.Flattery will get you everywhere.Flee at once, all is discovered.For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. -- Alexander PopeForgive and forget. -- CervantesFortune and love befriend the bold. -- OvidFortune favors the lucky.Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.Genius is pain. -- John LennonGiven sufficient time, what you put off doing today will get done by itself.God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much aswe speak. -- Arab proverbHappiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.Happiness is the greatest good.Haste makes waste. -- John HeywoodHave a nice day!Have a nice diurnal anomaly.Have an adequate day.He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open. -- Scottish proverb.He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside. -- SinbadHe who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the worldas he who is ready to die. -- Giacomo LeopardiHe who hates vices hates mankind.He who hesitates is last.He who hesitates is sometimes saved.He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news. -- Bertolt BrechtHe who laughs last -- missed the punch line.He who laughs last didn't get the joke.He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.He who laughs last is probably your boss.He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.He who laughs, lasts.He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. -- Dr. JohnsonHonesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.Honesty's the best policy. -- Miguel de CervantesHoni soit qui mal y pense. [Evil to him who evil thinks.] -- Motto of the Order of the Garter (est. Edward III)How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.How you look depends on where you go.I am a man: nothing human is alien to me. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)I doubt, therefore I might be.I know on which side my bread is buttered. -- John HeywoodI think, therefore I am... I think.I'll turn over a new leaf. -- Miguel de CervantesIf a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. -- William BlakeIf anything can go wrong, it will.If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. -- W.E. HicksonIf at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. -- Leonard LevinsonIf happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. -- Chinese proverbIf I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)If in doubt, mumble.If it ain't broke, don't fix it.If it heals good, say it.If the shoe fits, it's ugly.If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.If there is no wind, row. -- Polish proverbIf two wrongs don't make a right, try three. -- Laurence J. PeterIf wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.If you wish t...If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.In charity there is no excess. -- Francis BaconIn God we trust; all else we walk through.In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. -- Benjamin FranklinInspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.Integrity has no need for rules.It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. -- AeschylusIt is annoying to be honest to no purpose. -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)It is bad luck to be superstitious. -- Andrew W. MathisIt is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.It is better to wear out than to rust out.It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. -- Franklin D. RooseveltIt is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. -- Lucius Annaeus SenecaIt is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. -- Roger BabsonIt is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.It's always darkest just before the lights go out. -- Alex ClarkIt's better to burn out than it is to rust.It's better to burn out than to fade away.It's later than you think.It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.It's the thought, if any, that counts!Keep on keepin' on.Keep the phase, baby.Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it. -- Winston ChurchillKnowledge is power. -- Francis BaconKnowledge without common sense is folly.Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.Laugh when you can; cry when you must.Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.Leave no stone unturned. -- EuripidesLeft to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.Let sleeping dogs lie. -- Charles DickensLet your conscience be your guide. -- PopeLife is one long struggle in the dark. -- Titus Lucretius Carus"Life is too important to take seriously." -- Corky SiegelLife is too short to be taken seriously. -- Oscar WildeLook before you leap. -- Samuel ButlerLook ere ye leap. -- John Heywood-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices wou...Man is the measure of all things. -- ProtagorasMankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts. -- PlotinusMany are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.Many are called, few volunteer.Many are cold, but few are frozen.Many hands make light work. -- John HeywoodMay you have warm words on a cold evening,a full mooon on a dark night,and a smooth road all the way to your door.May you live in uninteresting times. -- Chinese proverbMen freely believe that what they wish to desire. -- Julius CaesarMisery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. -- Russell BakerMisfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.Moderation in all things. -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. -- Oscar WildeMother is the invention of necessity.Mum's the word. -- Miguel de CervantesNecessity has no law. -- St. AugustineNecessity hath no law. -- Oliver CromwellNecessity is a mother.-- Neophyte's serendipity.-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic diversi...Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.Never look a gift horse in the mouth. -- Saint JeromeNever promise more than you can perform. -- Publilius SyrusNever put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.Nice guys don't finish nice.Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. -- Evan DavisNice guys finish last. -- Leo DurocherNice guys get sick.No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. -- AesopNo evil can happen to a good man. -- PlatoNo excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness. -- AristotleNo good deed goes unpunished. -- Clare Booth LuceNone love the bearer of bad news. -- SophoclesNot everything worth doing is worth doing well.Nothing endures but change. -- HeraclitusNothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even aproverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. -- John KeatsNullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. [There is no great genius without some touch of madness.] -- SenecaOften things ARE as bad as they seem!Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. -- HomerOne good turn asketh another. -- John HeywoodOne good turn deserves another. -- Gaius PetroniusOne good turn usually gets most of the blanket.One man's Mede is another man's Persian. -- George M. CohanOne picture is worth more than ten thousand words. -- Chinese proverbOppernockity tunes but once.Out of sight is out of mind. -- Arthur Clough -- Owen MeredithPatience is the best remedy for every trouble. -- Titus Maccius PlautusPauca sed matura. [Few but excellent.] -- GaussPereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they...Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. -- Don MarquisPlus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.] -- Alphonse Karr, "Les Gu^epes"Practice yourself what you preach. -- Titus Maccius PlautusPraise the sea; on shore remain. -- John FlorioPray to God, but keep rowing to shore. -- Russian ProverbProsperity makes friends, adversity tries them. -- Publilius SyrusQuidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. [Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.]Remembering is for those who have forgotten. -- Chinese proverbRemoving the straw that broke the camel's back does not necessarilyallow the camel to walk again.Rome was not built in one day. -- John HeywoodRome wasn't burnt in a day.Rotten wood cannot be carved. -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.-- S...Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.Seek simplicity -- and distrust it. -- Alfred North WhiteheadSeize the day, put no trust in the morrow! -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)Set the cart before the horse. -- John HeywoodSi jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.] -- Henri EstienneSic transit gloria Monday!Sic transit gloria mundi. [So passes away the glory of this world.] -- Thomas `a KempisSic Transit Gloria Thursdi.Small change can often be found under seat cushions. -- One of Lazarus Long's most penetrating insightsSmall is beautiful. -- Schumacher's DictumStop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd onlytake a bath ...Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. -- Thomas TusserThe coast was clear. -- Lope de VegaThe course of true anything never does run smooth. -- Samuel ButlerThe descent to Hades is the same from every place. -- AnaxagorasThe early worm gets the bird.The early worm gets the late bird.The ends justify the means. -- after Matthew PriorThe greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's. -- Polish proverbThe life which is unexamined is not worth living. -- PlatoThe light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.The man who runs may fight again. -- MenanderThe man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplantis forever blessed. -- Old Japanese proverbThe meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.The more the merrier. -- John HeywoodThe more things change, the more they stay insane.The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.The only certainty is that nothing is certain. -- Pliny the ElderThe only constant is change.The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. -- PhaedrusThe only reward of virtue is virtue. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often."The proof of the pudding is in the eating. -- Miguel de CervantesThe reverse side also has a reverse side. -- Japanese proverbThe road to Hades is easy to travel. -- BionThe superfluous is very necessary. -- VoltaireThe temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogledculinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.The worst is enemy of the bad.-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are no...There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.There is no fool to the old fool. -- John HeywoodThere is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.There is no proverb that is not true. -- CervantesThere's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.There's no heavier burden than a great potential.There's no such thing as a free lunch. -- Milton FriendmanThere's no such thing as an original sin. -- Elvis CostelloThere's no time like the pleasant.Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. -- Dwight EisenhowerThings are more like they used to be than they are now.Things are not always what they seem. -- PhaedrusThings fall apart; the centre cannot hold.Thou hast seen nothing yet. -- Miguel de CervantesThree may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. -- Benjamin FranklinTime and tide wait for no man.Time as he grows old teaches all things. -- AeschylusTime flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.Time goes, you say?Ah no!Time stays, *we* go. -- Austin DobsonTime sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.To add insult to injury. -- PhaedrusTo err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.To err is human, but when the eraser wears out before the pencil,you're overdoing it a little.To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.To err is human, to forgive unusual.To err is human, to moo bovine.To err is human, to purr feline.To err is human, two curs canine.To err is human, to moo bovine.To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish. -- Benjamin FranklinTo err is human.To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. -- MIT Assasination ClubTo err is humor.To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. -- B. DugganTreat your friend as if he might become an enemy. -- Publilius SyrusTrust in Allah, but tie your camel. -- Arabian proverbTruth can wait; he's used to it.Turn the other cheek. -- Jesus ChristTwo heads are better than one. -- John HeywoodTwo heads are more numerous than one.Two is company, three is an orgy.Two wrongs are only the beginning. -- KohnTwo wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. -- Thomas SzaszTwo wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.Walking on water wasn't built in a day. -- Jack KerouacWe are what we are.We are what we pretend to be. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.Well begun is half done. -- AristotleWhat fools these morals be!What fools these mortals be. -- Lucius Annaeus SenecaWhat one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. -- John LillyWhat one fool can do, another can. -- Ancient Simian ProverbWhat we wish, that we readily believe. -- DemosthenesWhat you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.What you don't know won't help you much either. -- D. BennettWhatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)When in doubt, follow your heart.When in doubt, use brute force. -- Ken ThompsonWhen nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!" -- Turkish proverbWhen the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. -- Chinese proverbWhen the going gets tough, everyone leaves. -- LynchWhen the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. -- Hunter S. ThompsonWhen the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to looklike a nail.When the sun shineth, make hay. -- John HeywoodWhen we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere liveas they live elsewhere. -- St. AmbroseWhen you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable,must be the truth. -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance in ignitedcarbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.Where there is much light there is also much shadow. -- GoetheWhile there's life, there's hope. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. -- Bernard LevinWithout fools there would be no wisdom.Words are the voice of the heart.Words can never express what words can never express.Words have a longer life than deeds. -- PindarWould ye both eat your cake and have your cake? -- John HeywoodYou buttered your bread, now lie in it.You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.You can fool some of the people all of the time,and all of the people some of the time,but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.You can fool some of the people all of the time,and all of the people some of the time,but you can never fool your Mom.You can fool some of the people some of the time,and some of the people all of the time,and that is sufficient.You can get everything in life you want, if you will help enough otherpeople get what they want.You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with akind word alone. -- Al Capone [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.You can move the world with an idea, but you have to think of it first.You can never do just one thing. -- HardinYou can't break eggs without making an omelet.You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.You cannot see the wood for the trees. -- John HeywoodYou get what you pay for. -- Gabriel BielYou k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke? -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle RemusZhizn' prozhit'--ne pole pereiti. [Life's a bitch.] [Well, okay. lit., to live through life is not as simple as ..."MOKE DAT YIGARETTE" -- "The Last Coin", James P. BlaylockYou may be marching to the beat of a different drummer, but you'restill in the parade."World conquerors sometimes become fools, but fools never become worldconquerors." -- "The Outer Limits: The Invisibles"$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, atwhich time it will be worth absolutely nothing. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"1st graffitiist: QUESTION AUTHORITY!2nd graffitiist: Why?A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. -- Mahatma GandhiA billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money. -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budgetA billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.A billio...A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files is to make a copy of everythingbefore he destroys it.A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from thepoor to protect them from each other.A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, butwon't cross the street to vote in a national election. -- Bill VaughanA Difficulty for Every Solution. -- Motto of the Federal Civil ServiceA diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that youactually look forward to the trip. -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol. -- Adlai StevensonA fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. -- Winston ChurchillA free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. -- Adlai StevensonA general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enoughto take it all away. -- Barry GoldwaterA great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. -- B. FranklinA great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honestman a century.A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his moralsare bad is like the Mafia getting together ...A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.A national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing. -- Alexander HamiltonA nuclear war can ruin your whole day.A penny saved is a penny taxed.A penny saved kills your career in government.A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy togovern. It demands no social refor...A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,but he has no means to realize it other than through violence. -- Jean Paul SartreA prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and thenasks you not to kill him. -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor betoo heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by...A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without havinghis neighbour notice it. -- Trygve LieA real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoicesthat the system works.A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. -- Ramsey ClarkA sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man fromthe vexation of thinking. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years. -- Harry S. TrumanA straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. -- O'HenryA strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of manybad measures. -- Daniel WebsterAbraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C."After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted ofthe unimpeded right to get rich, to use his...Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de GuerreAlea iacta est. [The die is cast] -- Gaius Julius CaesarAlexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that wasthe closest our country has ever been to being even. -- The Best of Will RogersAll [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spentupon them is a form of idle and witless amus...All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of Catiline", by SallustAll diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. -- Chou En LaiAll kings is mostly rapscallions. --Mark TwainAll other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President ofthe United States. -- Vic GoldAll people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. -- Groucho MarxAll the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent bythe government in less than a second. -- Jim FiebigAll wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owesinfinitely more to the human race than to ...America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for onedollar, and use it up in two weeks.America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarismto decadence without touching civilization. -- John O'HaraAmerica: born free and taxed to death.An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for thebenefit of his country. -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the president but isalways polite to traffic cops.An efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally insmall as in great matters. -- W. ChurchillAn honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. -- Simon CameronThere are honest journalists...Anarchy may not be a better form of government, but it's better than nogovernment at all."...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely acourtesy detail."And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a manwith a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too havea sense of humor, as does history. Corn st...Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes. -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. -- PyrrhusAny excuse will serve a tyrant. -- Aesop "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. "None," Anita replied. "She's having great di...Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two yearsorganising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. -- David BroderAnyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on noaccount be allowed to do the job. -- Doug...As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.When it is looked upon as vulgar, it wi...Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity. -- G.J. DantonBan the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; nothing is safe while thelegislature is in session.Bedfellows make strange politicians.Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. -- Herbert HooverC'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre! [It is magnificent, but it is not war] -- Pierre Bosquet, witnessing the charge of the Light Brigade"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception." -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 centsfor postage and 30 cents for storage. -- Ge...Census Taker to Housewife:Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount notedin January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for dov...Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His jobis to enforce the law and fight crime. -- P.B.A. President E. J. KiernanCrime does not pay ... as well as politics. -- Alfred E. NewmanCutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. Iteliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets u...Demand the establishment of the government in its rightful home at Disneyland.Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. -- Ralph Waldo EmersonDemocracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better thanwe deserve. -- George Bernard ShawDemocracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonderaloud what the country could do under first-class management. -- Senator SoaperDemocracy is a form of government that substitutes election by theincompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. -- G.B. ShawDemocracy is a government where you can say what you think even if youdon't think.Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man whowill get the blame. -- Laurence J. PeterDemocracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. -- Jawaharlal NehruDemocracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the peopleare right more than half of the time. -- E. B. WhiteDemocracy is the worst form of government except all those otherforms that have been tried from time to time. -- Winston ChurchillDemocracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people forthe people. -- Oscar WildeDemographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the board.Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is aboutsurviving until Friday afternoon. -- Sir Humphrey ApplebyDiplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. -- Daniele VareDiplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. -- Wynn CatlinDiplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. -- BalfourDisclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.Don't be humble ... you're not that great. -- Golda MeirDon't mind him; politicians always sound like that.Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! -- "Brazil"Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy andthe lash. -- Winston ChurchillDon't vote -- it only encourages them!Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leadershas been discontinued.Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairsin his country, provided he has prior e...Each person has the right to take the subway.Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the UnitedStates we really shouldn't complain -- it's st...Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?Every country has the government it deserves. -- Joseph De MaistreEvery one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!But you do have to understand body langu...Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,no one we know belongs.Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuitof justice is no virtue. -- Barry GoldwaterFanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim. -- George SantayanaFar back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of theformer Galactic Empire, life was wild...Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified. -- Joe Orton, "Loot"Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing. -- H.S. ThompsonFirst rule of public speaking. First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em; then tell 'em; then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.This gives me great hope for the human race. -- Harlan EllisonForgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the lawsof nature! -- G.B. ShawFraud is the homage that force pays to reason. -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire. -- A Yippie ProverbFreedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better. -- CamusFreedom is slavery.Ignorance is strength.War is peace. -- George OrwellFreedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee""... gentlemen do not read each other's mail." -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down the Blac...Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands theapproach to Madrid and the French forces...George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82George Orwell was an optimist.George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first tohave his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. -- Ashley CooperGive all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a"Pearl Harbor File"."Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war." -- NapoleonGiving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey andcar keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'RourkeGod shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects toreceive it. -- Austin O'MalleyGood government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities ofthose who govern. The machinery of go...Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number": 1-800-AUDITMEGovern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it. -- Lao TsuGovernment [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. -- John Updike, "Couples"Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different lies.Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't knowany more about this thing than an economist ... Graduating seniors, parents and friends... Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand upto ...Great Moments in History: #3August 27, 1949: A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum. Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with theSenate, got on better with the House of Representativ...Grub first, then ethics. -- Bertolt BrechtHark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand convicted ofsickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. -- Tobias SmolletHas the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does itappear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, ...Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities declinesharply the minute they start waving guns around? -- Dr. WhoHe didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with allthe people you'd give anything to avoid,...He is the best of men who dislikes power. -- MohammedHe that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industryattacks democracy itself. -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBSHe who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will be the greatestbenefactor the world has yet known. -- Sir Richard BurtonHe who slings mud generally loses ground. -- Adlai StevensonHe's just a politician trying to save both his faces...Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where thesun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever. -- Chief Joseph of the Nez PerceHere comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a historyof the Mexican revolution: "Hidalgo wa...History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on. -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,periodically grows too large for its t...History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they haveexhausted all other alternatives. -- Abba EbanHow can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? -- Charles de GaulleHow is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies tojournalists, and they believe what they rea...I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friendthan be one. -- Clarence DarrowI am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselvesfor others in a totally nonviolent struggl...I am not a politician and my other habits are also good. -- A. WardI can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half. -- Jay GouldI don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like torun their own business. I know men that w..."I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating." -- Boss TweedI don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky. I don't trust him. -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just bef...I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in thestreets and frighten the horses. -- Victor HugoI DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planetsfall under the ruthless domination of our...I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40. -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd just shot.I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. -- Augustus CaesarI have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons...I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrificemy wife's brother. -- Artemus WardI have always noticed that whenever a radical takes to Imperialism,he catches it in a very acute form. -- Winston Churchill, 1903I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truthand they never believe me. -- Camillo Di CavourI have gained this by philosophy:that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law. -- AristotleI have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instinctsalready catered for within the scope of any ...I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing... -- Thomas JeffersonI know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but WorldWar IV will be fought with sticks and stones. -- Albert EinsteinI like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promotepeace than our governments. Indeed,...I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a congressman. -- Will RogersI needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed thelegislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that way. -- Jay GouldI never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget. -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the Royal FamilyI never vote for anyone. I always vote against. -- W.C. FieldsI owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and atoilet seat. -- Michael McShaneI place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt asthe greatest of dangers to be feare...I pledge allegiance to the flagof the United States of Americaand to the republic for which it stands,one nation,...I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. -- CiceroEven peace may be purchased at too high a price. -- Poor RichardI realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that thewhole point of living in a democracy is ...I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hopethey do get 'em lowered down enough so peo...I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors tothe south. We could never understand why Mex...I steal. -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft boardEasy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own...I think the world is run by C students. -- Al McGuireI trust the first lion he meets will do his duty. -- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safariI try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity. -- Bill VeeckI try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out. -- Judge Harold T. StoneI use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well. -- Woodrow WilsonI used to be a rebel in my youth.This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.Rebellion...I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valuedendangered species. It's all very well to...I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief isanybody who gets out and works for his liv...I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. Iasked for and obtained her blessing a...I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. -- Jack HandleyI would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, inunderstanding, in mutuality of interest, in con...I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connectionwith income tax policies. -- William F. BuckleyI would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one. -- Marcus Procius CatoI would rather be a serf in a poor man's house and be above ground thanreign among the dead. -- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave thewhole field to private industry. -- Joseph Heller"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Car..."I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood." -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnsonsays a war isn't really a war without my jokes. -- Bob Hope"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is-- I could be just as proud for half the money. -- Arthur Godfrey"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives."I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;and the irony of it is that if it is comf...If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegalpurposes. -- J. Edgar HooverIf everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a deal faster. -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing. -- Bertrand RussellIf God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born withgreen, baggy skin.If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate. -- Jerry DreshfieldIf Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, had made a lot of Capital,it would have been much better. -- Karl Marx's MotherIf Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,he should see how bad it is with representation.If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, theywill take sandwiches. -- Lord Boyd-orrEats first, m...If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. -- Robert FrostIf the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dreamand never be our destiny. -- Ren'e de Visme WilliamsonIf the government doesn't trust the people, why doesn't it dissolve themand elect a new people?"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!" -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, what a living the poorcould make!If they were so inclined, they could impeach him because they don't likehis necktie. -- Attorney General William SaxbeIf voting could change the system, it would be illegal. If not votingcould change the system, it would be illegal.If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world. -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, we encourage it,and involve others in our doom. -- Samuel AdamsIf we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring. -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going tohave to get a toehold in the public eye."If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, itwill always do it. -- Les Aspin, D., WisconsinIf you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do ismake the rubble bounce. -- Winston ChurchillIf you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. -- Graham SummerIf you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a yearwith it in your pockets, and all that do...If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and linedthem up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government! -- Mr. InterestingIf you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading theConstitution. It conveys precious little of...If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up somememoraboble homily so's school kids can be pest...If your hands are clean and your cause is just and your demands arereasonable, at least it's a start.Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. -- Robert OrbenImmigration is the sincerest form of flattery. -- Jack PaarImbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely. -- GenjiImmigration is the sincerest form of flattery. -- Jack PaarIn America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just oneof the risks he takes. -- Adlai StevensonIn an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schoolswill be temporarily canceled.In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. -- W. Churchill, on General MontgomeryIn Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the lastresort of the scoundrel. With all due respec...In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; in life the recourseof the powerless is petty theft.In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up becauseI wasn't a Communist. Then they came ...In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,murder, and bloodshed, but they produced M...In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligenceis so highly honored that it is rew...In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced a Prime Minister worthy ofassassination. -- John DiefenbakerIn the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. -- Lenny BruceIn those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently takemy advice. -- Winston ChurchillIn war it is not men, but the man who counts. -- NapoleonIn war, truth is the first casualty. -- U Thant... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leavessmoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted ...Individualists unite!Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory. -- Winston Churchill, on General MontgomeryInform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased familyoften doesn't have a legacy to stand on.Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on thestreet in midtown Manhattan were asked w...Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you'rebest at, that's what I say. -- Doctor WhoIt follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a planwhich he considers defective is at fault...It got to the point where I had to get a haircut or both feet firmlyplanted in the air.It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, and weightyourself down with invisible chains.It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country itsproper due; it is easier to be a "patriot"...It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. -- Alfred AdlerIt is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determinationof his courtiers to deceive him for their ...It is impossible to defend perfectly against the attack of those who wantto die.It is like saying that for the cause of peace, God and the Devil willhave a high-level meeting. -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China tripIt is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privilegedto utter sedition, to blaspheme, to ou...It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whetherthe doer of deeds could have done them...It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? -- Elizabeth CarpenterIt is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him asentence to be ever in view, and which sho...It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is betterstill to be a live lion. And usually easier. -- Lazarus LongIt pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most ofone's life and then come round. -- Lord Alfred DouglasIt seems a little silly now, but this country was founded as a protestagainst taxation.It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit cardmay have saved a U.S. Army unit from h..."It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. TheGreeks never said it was sweet to die for any...It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.Beyond that, we all enter the food chai...It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depressionwhen you lose yours. -- Harry S. Truman "It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble." -- Rocky and BullwinkleIt's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the firstthing a principle does -- if it really...It's important that people know what you stand for.It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows howto run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. -- George BurnsIt's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raisesthe fear that it may not be long bef... Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he hasbeen chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day...Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, exciting people, and kill them.Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, meet exciting interesting people,and kill them.Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutionsseldom black or white. Beware of the so...Keep your laws off my body!Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.L'etat c'est moi. [I am the state.] -- Louis XIVLaw stands mute in the midst of arms. -- Marcus Tullius CiceroLawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; whatis happening in America is that those parade...Let no guilty man escape. -- U.S. GrantLet the people think they govern and they will be governed. -- William Penn, founder of PennsylvaniaLet us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate. -- John F. KennedyLiberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. -- The Best of Will RogersLiberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. -- Harry Emerson FosdickLife is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no wayout and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. -- Woody AllenListen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find outthe right thing to do. Now, it is not...Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.Love America -- or give it back."MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words intothe smallest amount of thoughts." -- Winston ChurchillMajorities, of course, start with minorities. -- Robert MosesMan is a military animal, glories in gunpowder, and loves parade. -- P.J. BaileyMan is by nature a political animal. -- AristotleMany a bum show has been saved by the flag. -- George M. CohanMassachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho MarxMilitary justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- Groucho MarxMost people want either less corruption or more of a chance toparticipate in it.Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.When Lord Copper was right he said "De...My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe fortynights -- or very early mornings -- whe..."My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would thinkof saying, except in a desperate case. It is ...My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, beautifullyco-ordinated and all the rest, it ...My father was a saint, I'm not. -- Indira GandhiMy folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meetthe boat.My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,and I am convinced that we are terribly...NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong.GIUSEPPE: Make him a gener...National security is in your hands - guard it well.Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. -- William Pitt, 1783Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty. -- NapoleonNemo me impune lacessit. [No one provokes me with impunity] -- Motto of the Crown of ScotlandNever let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal. -- John Dillinger"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfyingas an income tax refund. -- F. J. RaymondNihilism should commence with oneself.No man's ambition has a right to stand in the way of performing a simpleact of justice. -- John AltgeldNo matter whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supremecourt follows th' iliction returns. -- Mr. DooleyNo, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust itall to one, but to divide it among the...No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had goodintentions. He had money as well. -- Margaret ThatcherNobody shot me. -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police who had shot him 14 times with a machi...Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold outyour hat and somebody happens to put a lit...Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. -- Winston ChurchillNext to being shot at an...Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. -- Andrew YoungNothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnantto God as everything which is official; a...Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature."Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of normal routines, for children and adults al..."Nuclear war would really set back cable." -- Ted TurnerO'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with thethumb hidden and the four fingers extended. "How ...Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'dbe irresponsible, too. -- Lichty & WagnerOld soldiers never die. Young ones do.On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the onlynation in the world that has to keep a gove...Once is happenstance,Twice is coincidence,Three times is enemy action. -- Auric Goldfinger Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent histime trying to feed and protect his beloved cr...Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasantswere not very rich, and one of the few w...Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing todo and always a clever thing to say. -- Will DurantOne organism, one vote.One planet is all you get.One seldom sees a monument to a committee.Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood wherea crime has been committed and in no ci...Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of thelocal Army National Guard base. He recent...Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.We their sons are more worthless than they:so in our turn we shall ...Our swords shall play the orators for us. -- Christopher MarloweOurs is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. -- General Omar N. BradleyPatriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. BoswellIn Dr. Jo...Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. -- Oscar WildePeace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding. -- Albert EinsteinPeace is much more precious than a piece of land... let there be no more wars. -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an election. -- Otto Von BismarckPeople of privilege will always risk their complete destructionrather than surrender any material part of their advantage. -- John Kenneth GalbraithPeople that can't find something to live for always seem to find something todie for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for it too.People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as worldcitizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time. -- Norman CousinsPerhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we wouldbehave very differently from those who n...Persistence in one opinion has never been considered a merit in politicalleaders. -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BCPilfering Treasury property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves areruthless in punishing little thieves. -- DiogenesPoland has gun control.Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing toteach children. -- W.H. AudenPolitical speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there,and a lot of bull inbetween. -- Alfred E. NeumanPolitical T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tellall their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge evenwhere there is no river. -- Nikita KhrushchevPoliticians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. -- Arthur C. ClarkePoliticians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never havebeen, and never will be wrong. -- Walter DwightPolitics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaignfunds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. -- Oscar AmeringerPolitics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and withoutgreatness. Those who have greatness...Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous. In war,you can only be killed once. -- Winston ChurchillPolitics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosingbetween the disastrous and the unpalatable. -- John Kenneth GalbraithPolitics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, nextweek, next month and next year. And to...Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics. -- Amy GorinPolitics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been thesystematic organisation of hatreds. -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of matrydom to thereformers of error. -- Thomas JeffersonPopulus vult decipi. [The people like to be deceived.]Post proelium, praemium. [After the battle, the reward.]Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.Poverty begins at home.Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many poorpeople. -- Don HeroldPower corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987Power is poison.Power is the finest token of affection.Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely. -- Lord ActonPractical politics consists in ignoring facts. -- Henry AdamsPresident Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits andforecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man. -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"Question authority.QUESTION AUTHORITY.(Sez who?)Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until they're changed orhelp speed the change by breaking them?Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. -- Jim Samuels"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's ___not the U.S.Army doing it!" -- Good Morning VietNamReporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.Reunite Gondwondaland!Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean? Bobby: Slow down.Rev. Jim: What... do..."Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither machinesnor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have ...Rule the Empire through force. -- Shogun TokugawaSauron is alive in Argentina!Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency. -- Richard NixonSecrecy is the beginning of tyranny.Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes? [Who guards the Guardians?]Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffedin driving rain waiting for transport...Serfs up! -- SpartacusShah, shah! Ayatollah you so!Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have takenhim a great deal of pains to become what ...Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention PamphletSince a politician never believes what he says, he is surprisedwhen others believe him. -- Charles DeGaulleSince aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace![Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of thevices I admire. -- Winston ChurchillSlaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, whena slave, understand the deep meanings...So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a courseof action. Here at last was an opport...... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, thosewho wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyran...So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. -- Woodie Guthrie Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employeeson the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1...Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS. Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at lea...Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, when the greatestwarriors are the ones who stand for peace.Support your local police force -- steal!!Support your right to arm bears!!Support your right to bare arms! -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt AssociationSurprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just typein your name and social security number. P...Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves. -- Motto of the Federal Civil ServiceTake your Senator to lunch this week.TANSTAAFLTax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behindthe tree." -- Russell LongTaxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itselfout of the market.Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. -- Napoleon IThat government is best which governs least. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"That's where the money was. -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bankIt's a rather pleasant experien...... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem thatconsists of 365 raspberries blown in very qu...The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. -- Bill MurrayThe assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical usein effecting our separation from Great Brit...The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries anyreward. -- John Maynard KeynesThe better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task. -- NietzscheThe bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better than what we've got!The control of the production of wealth is the control of human life itself. -- Hilaire BellocThe Crown is full of it! -- Nate Harris, 1775The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every classis unfit to govern. -- Lord ActonThe degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons. -- F. DostoyevskiThe dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in the grimhours between midnight and dawn. Hangme...The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either. -- Ambrose BierceThe doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no manreally clever who has not found that he is stupid. -- Gilbert K. ChestersonThe end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. -- Buckminster FullerThe eyes of taxes are upon you.The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is notutterly absurd; indeed, in view of the...The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarilyendow them with any special qualities o...The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to acceptoutsiders -- if only on their own, albeit...The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. -- Abbie HoffmanThe founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accusedreceived a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities. The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical innerworkings of the U.S. Air Force. "$7,662 for a t...The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of thepeople from ever questioning the inequity of ...The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out to be abit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work and they can'tfire it.The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron ...The graveyards are full of indispensable men. -- Charles de GaulleThe greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by menof zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. -- Justice Louis D. BrandeisThe greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers is to refuse tomove an inch from where they stood.The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. -- Albert EinsteinThe hater of property and of government takes care to have his warrantydeed recorded, and the book written agains...The health of a democratic society may be measured by the qualityof functions performed by private citizens. -- Alexis de TocquevilleThe income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golfhas. Even when you make a tax form out on...The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- ChurchillThe introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling thewhole state, for styles of music are nev...The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-freeinformation hot lines staffed by IRS employ...The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the law free. -- Henry David ThoreauThe Least Successful Executions History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.The first perf...The Least Successful Police Dogs America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome lookingschnauzer hou...The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. -- Kin HubbardThe lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. -- Woody Allen"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much aswe could with both of them." -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. Theterror of their tyranny, however, is al...The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. Theman who walks alone is likely to fi...The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he hasto do is get up every morning and say,...The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. -- Wilhelm Stekel The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring allstudents to do some "volunteer work" as a prereq...The Moral Majority is neither.The more control, the more that requires control.The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. Ihope I don't get run over again.The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. -- David GerroldThe poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war,and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy." -- CelineThe polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to beaddressed, to treat them in a way they...The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the ...The price of greatness is responsibility.The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that somedaythey might force their beliefs on us. -- Mario CuomoThe primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"represents the secondary theme: Law Enforcement ...The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe thatfor a group of people to behave in a w...The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty forincompetence.The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bitraucously that this is true and that is fals...The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble. -- Thomas CarlyleThe Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, butbecause it gave pleasure to the spectators. -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is itabout the job that makes it worth revea...The revolution will not be televised."The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jestsand to his imagination for his facts." -- SheridanThe rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today. -- Lewis CarrollThe scum also rises. -- Dr. Hunter S. ThompsonThe so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizationsof the victors. History is written by the survivors. -- Max LernerThe time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering.The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.The day has gone down in New England his...The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicianswho believe, with a conviction based on exper...The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs. -- G.B. ShawThe two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed thattwo could be one and one could be two and ...The universe is ruled by letting things take their course. It cannot beruled by interfering. -- Chinese proverbThe very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead ofaltering their views to fit the facts,..."The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,it's just a tired feeling:"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil andincompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. -- Emo PhilipsThe world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its greatscholars great men. -- Oliver Wendell HolmesThe Worst Bank Robbery In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank ofScotland at Rothesay...The Worst Prison Guards The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from amaximum security priso...There appears to be irrefutable evidence that the mere fact of overcrowdinginduces violence. -- Harvey WheelerThere are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. -- Winston ChurchillThere are no manifestos like cannon and musketry. -- The Duke of WellingtonThere are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death andtaxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days. -- shadesThere are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."And one says, "This is new, and therefor...There but for the grace of God, goes God. -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship. -- Ralph NaderThere cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. -- Henry KissingerThere is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion. -- Anatole FranceThere is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. -- Arthur C. ClarkeThere is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,and we will conquer. Follow me. -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political partyis not capable; for in politics there is no honour. -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"There is no education that is not political. An apoliticaleducation is also political because it is purposely isolating.There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. -- G.B. ShawThere is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity. -- General Douglas MacArthurThere is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself andfamily. But he can't make a living for...There is one difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist --the taxidermist leaves the hide. -- Mortimer CaplanThere is only one way to kill capitalism -- by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. -- Karl MarxThere is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, whichit would be amusing to know, could we ha...There never was a good war or a bad peace. -- B. FranklinThere's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole governmentworking for you. -- Will RogersThere's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and deadarmadillos. -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural CommissionerThey call them "squares" because it's the most complicated shape they candeal with."They make a desert and call it peace." -- Tacitus (55?-120?)They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change thesystem from within. I'm coming now I'm comi..."They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporarysafety deserve neither liberty nor safety." -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759They use different words for things in America.For instance they say elevator and we say lift.They say drapes and...They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly. -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads.They're giving bank robbing a bad name. -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and ClydeThieves respect property; they merely wish the property to becometheir property that they may more perfectly resp...This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow oflegal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to..."Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics." -- French ProverbThose who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mightyOften have a share in their misfortunes. -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"Those who have some means think that the most important thing in theworld is love. The poor know that it is money. -- Gerald BrenanThose who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, aremen who want rain without thunder and lightni...To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the NorthStar. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it. -- ConfuciusTo make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".To say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote ofconfidence. -- Andrew YoungTo think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is madness. -- Eugene IonescoTo use violence is to already be defeated. -- Chinese proverbToday is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the availablebriefcases. -- Governor Jerry BrownTravel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last. -- Charles DeGaulleTrue leadership is the art of changing a group from what it is to whatit ought to be. -- Virginia AllanTwo battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuversin heavy weather for several days. ..."Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for ajust man is also a prison. -- Henry David ThoreauUnder any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is someordinance under which you can be booked. -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. -- J.K. GalbraithUnder every stone lurks a politician. -- AristophanesUnited Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmasseason was marred by a proclamation of ...Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometimebetween 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan ...Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays outtwice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. -- H. L. MenckenUsually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war. -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"Veni, vidi, vici. [I came, I saw, I conquered]. -- Gaius Julius CaesarVery few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happenat all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. -- HerodotusVictory uber allies!"Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, nakedviolence has settled more issues throughout...Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.Violence is molding.Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. -- Salvor HardinVote anarchist.War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.War hath no fury like a non-combatant. -- Charles Edward MontagueWar is an equal opportunity destroyer.War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it. -- Desiderius ErasmusWar is like love, it always finds a way. -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. -- ClemenceauWar is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. -- Anacreon[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for the people -- the big,the bland and the banal. -- Ada Louise HuxtableWashington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.We all declare for liberty, but in using the same word we do not all meanthe same thing. -- A. LincolnWe are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. -- Winston ChurchillWe cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. -- Calvin CoolidgeWe have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it fromour children.... we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or notwe should like to live in it; the qu...We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had beenborn into a more enlightened age, I...We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words weretaken for what they are, the signs of o...We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate. -- Dennis MillerWe the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.We've done so much, for so long, with so little...We totally deny the allegations, and we're trying to identify the allegators.We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.There's a provision in the Constitution th...We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feela strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. -- Dave BarryWell, don't worry about it... It's nothing. -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information ...Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way. -- Laurie AndersonWhat a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. -- WOP, "War Games"What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, towin wars, to dig canals linking oceans, ..."What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so that wewouldn't have a fat, insensitive gover...What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.What is status? Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.Uh, no... Status is when the President ca...What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank? -- Bertold BrechtWhat is the sound of one hand clapping?What orators lack in depth they make up in length.What we need is either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority. -- Robert AltmanWhen a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as publicproperty. -- Thomas JeffersonWhen a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is notfar away. It is time to go elsewhere. T...When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to seethe sport, he should take care to avoid mistak...When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America beforethe white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." -- Vine Deloria, Jr.When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentencedto death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. -- Brendan BehanWhen I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pityfor him. All he has to do to be hissed is to ...When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. NowI'm beginning to believe it. -- Clarence DarrowWhen in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.When neither their poverty nor their honor is touched, the majority of menlive content. -- Niccolo MachiavelliWhen smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy. -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"When some people decide it's time for everyone to make big changes,it means that they want you to change first.When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modifythe problem, not the remedy.When the revolution comes, count your change.When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue isnot hereditary. -- Thomas PaineWhen we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't findanyone. Eventually I stumbled across ...When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelvepeople who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. -- Norm CrosbyWhen you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. -- Harry TrumanWhen you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of warWhen you live in a sick society, just about everything you do is wrong.When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean thatyou have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. -- Otto Von BismarckWhen you're in command, command. -- Admiral NimitzWhenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse tosee it tried on him personally. -- Abraham LincolnWhere the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".Where you stand depends on where you sit. -- Rufus Miles, HEWWhy bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we have?Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?We spent years of wild buying on credit, ... Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried invain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and... ... with liberty and justice for all ... who can afford it.With reasonable men I will reason;with humane men I will plead;but to tyrants I will give no quarter. -- William Lloyd GarrisonWorkers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs.World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century sinceH.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "The...World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code! "Wrong," said Renner. "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree withthe Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on havingboth at once. -- Lazarus LongYou first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. Theshort form is what the Internal Revenue Se...You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice,bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. -- AristophanesYou must include all income you receive in the form of money, propertyand services if it is not specifically exem...You roll my log, and I will roll yours. -- Lucius Annaeus SenecaYou should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight forfreedom and liberty. -- Henrik IbsenI do not patronize poor, ill educated, or disenfranchised people byexempting them from the same critical examinat...Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, andchildren, since the introduction of Christianity, ...The human instinct to censor thrives, as it always will, living inirrepressible conflict with the human instinct ...As long as there are entrenched social and political distinctionsbetween sexes, races or classes, there will be f...Cautious, careful people always casting about to preserve theirreputation or social standards never can bring abo..."Even if you want no state, or a minimal state, then you still have toargue it point by point. Especially since ...And they mainly want to teach them not to question, not to imagine,but to be obedient and behave well so that the...I've no regrets. I was sincere in everything I said. -- Former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, annoucing his new bookThe first sign of corruption in a society that is still alive is thatthe end justifies the means. -- Georges Ber...FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & GrumpyQ: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19A: To be or not to be.Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31A: Chicken Teriyaki.Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4A: Go west, young man, go west!Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.Knock, knock! Who's there?Sam and Janet. Sam and Janet who?Sam and Janet Evening...Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"Pee Wee: "Who's there?"Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?"A: "Is there a dog?"Q: Are we not men?A: We are Vaxen.Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?A: One per person.Q: Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?A: He spent the night in a warehouse.Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?A: When his lips move.Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?A: Unique up on it!Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?A: The tame way!Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.Q: How do you play religious roulette?A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first.Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?A: Throw him a rock.Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?A: With a blue-elephant gun.Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?A: Twist its ...Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?A: Take away his credit cards.Q: How does a hacker fix a function which doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?A: He changes the domain.Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaran...Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?A: That's proprietary information. Ans...Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything pos...Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four ...Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.Q: Ho...Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.Q: How can you tell if ...Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe ...Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: "...Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?A: None. We'll fix it in software.Q: How many...Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write docume...Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Three. One to report it as an inspired governme...Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "La...Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. ...Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?A: I'll have to get back to you on that.Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: One and a half.Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to the earlier joke.Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?A: Seven. Scotty has to report ...Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to...Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change.Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fil...Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?A: One.Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?A: 2 bits.Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?A: 9 edge down.Q: Know what the difference between your latest project and putting wings on an elephant is?A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out...Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?A: "The elephants are coming over the hill....Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?A: The very best person they can possibly be.Q: What do monsters eat?A: Things.Q: What do monsters drink?A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?A: The impossible dream.Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?A: The same middle name.Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?A: A dope ring.Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?A: To cover up the valve stem.Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?A: Diyathinkhesaurus.Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?A: Trustworthy.Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?A: A stick.Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?A: A deep C diva.Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a lawyer, and believes in social causes?A: A failure.Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?A: A howdah duty.Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female sheep bites you?A: Ewe nicks.Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?A: An offer you can't understand.Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?A: Not enough sand.Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by a delicious dessert.Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the h...Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?A: Open other end.Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?A: A dinner party.Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?A: Moby Pickle.Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"A: A ball point carrot.Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?A: Open other end.Q: What is purple and commutes?A: An Abelian grape.Q: What is purple and concord the world?A: Alexander the Grape.Q: What is the difference between a duck?A: One leg is both the same.Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?A: Yogurt has culture.Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?A: Mu.Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?A: A nervous wreck.Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey?A: Nothing.Q: What's a light-year?A: One-third less calories than a regular year.Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?A: Dating a Canadian.Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb?A: A corpse.Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?A: Chewing gum.Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?A: A doberman.Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!Addendu...Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?A: You can't get down off an elephant.Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?A: One less drunk.Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and state...Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?A: The Titanic had a band.Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?A: A canary with the super-user password.Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?A: Zorn's Lemon.Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!Q: What's the Pink...Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?A: Lawn Boy.Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?A: To impress Jodie Foster.Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?A: Because he was hungry.Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: He was giving it last rites.Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: To see his friend Gregory peck.Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?A: To get to the other slide.Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?A: To get to the other slide.Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means.Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?A: Because that was her name.Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?A: Because it was on the other side.Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?A: To get to the middle.Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?A: To stamp out forest fires.Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?A: To stamp out flaming ducks.Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? Oh, right, *of course*!Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.Q: Why do WASPs play golf ?A: So they can dress like pimps.Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?A: God gave New Jersey first choice.Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?A: The cats keep trying to bury them.Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If th...Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted my dissertation to rhyme.Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games?A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.Q: Why is Poland just like the United States?A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in Pol...Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man soup in a plate?A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?A: It wasn't IBM compatible.1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's num...(1) A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.(2) An inclined plane is a slope up.(3) A slow pup is a lazy dog.QED: ...(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.(2) Great generals are forewarned.(3) Forewarned is forearmed.(4) Fou...(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.(2) Great generals are forewarned.(3) Forewarned is forearmed.(4) Fou...(1) Never draw what you can copy.(2) Never copy what you can trace.(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.(1) X=Y ; Given(2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X(3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides(4) (X...1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it'sthe law!10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.13. ... r-q1"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!" 7,140 pounds on the Sun 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars 255 pounds on Earth 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus ...A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government byhijacking an airliner and forcing the ...A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothingbut together can decide that nothing can be done. -- Fred AllenA fail-safe circuit will destroy others. -- KlipsteinA failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection."A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitchdimension strictly exceeds the topological d...A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explainedthat he was entering a horse in a race..."A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your bookThe Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He...A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. -- P. ErdosA mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach andobserve a team of lifeguards pumping the s...A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start,and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim. -- LeibnitzA pain in the ass of major dimensions. -- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuitsA physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. -- George WaldA rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. Itweighs one third of a pound per foot. O...A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents andmaking them see the light, but rather because ...A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessnessof aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor,...A Severe Strain on the Credulity As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to thehighest parts of ...A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. -- Prof. SteinerA social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small NorthAfrican tribe, found a woman still practi...A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly highprobability that there will be a bomb on a...A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse byblowing first.A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,and according to convention, there is an ...According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics aretotally worthless. ACHTUNG!!!Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappender springenwerk, blowe...Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator will be going in theright direction. Proof by induction:N=1....After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be foundon the bench. After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine yearsin the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to m...After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an accesscover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir thatthrows some doubt on Millikan's leading ...After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem. Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Eversince, he's been talking about the good old d...Air is water with holes in it.Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wiretelegraph is a kind of a very, very long ca...Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waitingfor a dial tone.Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. -- Philippe SchnoebelenAll Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doingwithout thinking.All great discoveries are made by mistake. -- YoungAll great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.All laws are simulations of reality. -- John C. LillyAll life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. -- DawkinsAll power corrupts, but we need electricity.All science is either physics or stamp collecting. -- Ernest RutherfordAll seems condemned in the long run to approximate a state akin toGaussian noise. -- James MartinAll syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.All the evidence concerning the universe has not yet been collected,so there's still hope.All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists know it. -- Richard P. FeynmanAlthough the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers,etc., for granted, hundreds of years ...Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.Always think of something new; this helps you forget your last rotten idea. -- Seth FrankelAlways try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but becausepeople refuse to see it. -- James Michener, "Space"An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prizewinning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhag...An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to NewGuinea with reports of a tribe so primitiv... An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knowshe doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it ...An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than youreally care to know.An economist is a man who would marry Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, in mid-air, on bothsides of an issue. -- Homer FergusonAn engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in ananecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to m...And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue thatblack males are primitive because the distan...And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontalrectilinear plane surface maintained by...... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as aninveterate skeptic I have closed my ...Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two partswhich are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. -- Arthur C. ClarkeAnyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best heis a tolerable subhuman who has learned to...Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same timeas the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes. -- Philippus Paracelsus"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator." -- Claude Shouse"Einstein's mothe...Anything cut to length will be too short.Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. -- Mickey MouseArtificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence asartificial flowers have to flowers. -- David Parnas"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty,and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of...As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are notcertain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. -- Albert EinsteinAs you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one. -- Dave "First Strike" PareAsk five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six ifone went to Harvard). -- Edgar R. FiedlerAt any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it isnot. But obviously it cannot be where it ...At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seeminglycontradictory attitudes -- an openness to ne...Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Somemilitary versions had 16, while the 12 button...Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. -- Tom LehrerBefore Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.Besides the device, the box should contain: * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" * A p...Between infinite and short there is a big difference. -- G.H. GonnetBiology grows on you.Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thingas division.Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding thebehavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observ...But it does move! -- Galileo GalileiBut you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophisticalreasoning and frauds of talkers about grea...Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the centerof the universe. The premise is wrong, ...Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion byIsaac Ne...Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.Chemistry is applied theology. -- Augustus Stanley Owsley IIIChemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that wouldgive you thousands of years of trouble-fr..."Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..." -- Professor in the UCB physics department"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, andif it were so, it would be; but as it isn't,..."Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts ofmarvelous things. It's one thing to be ab...Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worshipthe number zero?Is nothing sacred?Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they haveonly recaptured 116 of them?Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and linedthem up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertibleonly through the use of weird and unnatu...Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, andit holds the universe together ... -- Carl ZwanzigE = MC ** 2 +- 3dbEarl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management science,telling the Airline Pilots Association (in...Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. -- John Kenneth GalbraithEconomists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy wouldturn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't. -- Robert OrbenEconomists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of apercentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. -- Edgar R. FiedlerElectricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, calledelectrons, that you cannot see with the naked ...Elegance and truth are inversely related. -- Becker's RazorElliptic paraboloids for sale.Entropy isn't what it used to be.Entropy requires no maintenance. -- Markoff ChaneyEnzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things whichotherwise require harder thinking. -- Jerome LettvinEureka! -- ArchimedesEvery little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. -- Don VonadaEvery nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.It makes sense, when you don't think about it.Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface bythe author stating why he is publishing th...Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplisticformulation may satisfy the layman, it does no...Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. -- Albert EinsteinEverything that can be invented has been invented. -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and lessobvious as you begin to study the universe....Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going aroundthe sun. At one time this was calle...Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examplesof outsiders who eventually overthrew en...Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreationpotential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally disadvantaged.Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. -- Robert Firth"One, two, five." -- Monty Python and the Holy GrailFlorence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to herhusband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules...For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. -- H. L. MenckenFor God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part ofthe person making the claim, not the crit...FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America. A fire...FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44 Zebras are colored with dark stripes on a light background.FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14What to do... if reality disappears? Hope this o...FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2What to do... if you get a phone call from Mars: ...FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6What to do... if a starship, equipped with an FTL...Friction is a drag.Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, whyyou should.(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained,"Only one man ever understood me." He fell...God doesn't play dice. -- Albert EinsteinGod made the integers; all else is the work of Man. -- KroneckerGod runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,and the Devil runs them by quantum theo...Going the speed of light is bad for your age.Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we'regiving you advance notice that your service w...Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble withtime travel, you never can tell." -- Doctor Who, "Androids of Tara"Got Mole problems? Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.Gravity brings me down.Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. -- Albert EinsteinThey laughed at ...He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.He: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.She: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. -- Walt KellyHeard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several Guernsey cows?It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895Heisenberg may have been here.Heisenberg may have slept here...Help fight continental drift.Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electricallesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your fee...Hi! How are things going? (just fine, thank you...)Great! Say, could I bother you for a question? (you just asked...Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. -- Neil ArmstrongHow can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind? -- Charles SchulzHow many weeks are there in a light year?How often I found where I should be going only by setting out for somewhereelse. -- R. Buckminster FullerHuman beings were created by water to transport it uphill.I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! -- Paul McCrackenI cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos. -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanicsI do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic anexact science. There are permutations and...I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,starting from philosophical premises l..."I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished.I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyonddepth was revealed to me -- the Byss an...I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, but I can't prove it. "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.I think very probably he might be cured." "Tha...I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. -- PlatoI have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, whenyou looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. -- Poul AndersonI myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheresand planets. Build a ring 93 million mile...I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth. -- Neil ArmstrongI tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it is only there thatthey might escape the lusts of the flesh. -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain""I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3because I couldn't remember the proof." -- Baker, Pure Math 351aI THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988."I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purpleto blue, and it has to do with where the l...I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."I don't know what it would be, but I th...I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize forpaneling. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.I use technology in order to hate it more properly. -- Nam June PaikI would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a blockof wax... and that we remember and k...I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-gence?" I give the standard argume...If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. -- Roy SantoroIf a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast is acamel's behind. -- Edgar R. FiedlerIf A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Yis play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. -- Albert EinsteinIf all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. -- John Kenneth GalbraithIf all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach aconclusion. -- William BaumolIf an experiment works, something has gone wrong.If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that thereis an exception to every rule. If we...If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. -- Albert EinsteinIf I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might thinkI'm an engineer working on something. -- S.R. McElroyIf in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, theanswer can be obtained by simple inspection.If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a Fact,proof is necessary. -- Samuel ClemensIf it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't workit's physics.If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying bythe page number.If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes ofarithmetic, we should not get very far in our und...If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization wouldpresumably flunk it. -- Stanley GarnIf the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. -- Albert EinsteinIf the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,we would be so simple we couldn't.If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure makesomething out of you. -- Muhammad Ali"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely."If you analyse anything, you destroy it. -- Arthur MillerIf you are smart enough to know that you're not smart enough to be anEngineer, then you're in Business.If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a careerin chartered accountancy beckons. -- A...If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, you won'tget any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get ice, but no cup. If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if youbrush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch...If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal frommany it's research. -- Wilson MiznerIf you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.Imagination is more important than knowledge. -- Albert EinsteinIn 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of stairs.In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link betweenfrequency response, phase response and transient r...IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule outbecoming pure energy. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.In Nature there are neither rewards nor punishments, there are consequences. -- R.G. IngersollIn order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension."In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create theuniverse." -- Carl Sagan, CosmosIn science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a reallygood argument; my position is mistaken,..."In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it. In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created bythe Great Mathamatical Spirit form the Book...In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in theMathematical Field", I have come across ev...In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice,there is.In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain. -- Pliny the Elder "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africato do and of course I'm doing it with all fjord...Information is the inverse of entropy.Interchangeable parts won't.Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!"Irrationality is the square root of all evil" -- Douglas HofstadterIs knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fictionlisten to weather forecasts and economists? -- Kelvin Throop IIIIsn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortunetellers take economists seriously?"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there isany such animal as Walter's horse, only t...It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.It is contrary to reasoning to say that there is a vacuum or space inwhich there is absolutely nothing. -- DescartesIt is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable,as one's hat keeps blowing off. -- Woody AllenIt is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.It is not every question that deserves an answer. -- Publilius SyrusIt is not for me to attempt to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence. -- The Earl of BirkenheadIt is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simplythat cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they ...It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort tomathematics, though she is still for...It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for fivestraight days it can be explained by N...It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong. -- Chris TorekIt seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high levellanguage named "research student"."It's easier said than done."... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done thansaid, and you...It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution.It's later than you think, the joint Russian-American space mission hasalready begun.It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil WhiteIt's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong. -- J.K. GalbraithJust because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that theyare forbidden. They are less allowed...Kleeneness is next to Godelness.Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surroundingenvironment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl ...Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.Life is difficult because it is non-linear.Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*.Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angularmomentum.Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliableBritish automotive electrical systems. ...Ma Bell is a mean mother!Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine. -- Andy WarholMake it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!Make it right before you make it faster.Man will never fly. Space travel is merely a dream. All aspirin is alike.MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! Please, don't drink and derive. Mathematicians Against Drunk DerivingMath is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. -- R. DrabekMathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translateinto their own language and forthwith ...Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which isdescribed as being n-dimensional. Like mo...Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. -- Henry AdamsMathematics deals exclusively with the relations of conceptsto each other without consideration of their relation to experience. -- Albert EinsteinMathematics is the only science where one never knows what one is talking about nor whether what is said is true. -- RussellMathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --a beauty cold and austere, like that o...Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.Measure twice, cut once.Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.Mediocrity finds safety in standardization. -- Frederick CraneMen love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselvesup and hurry off as if nothing had happened. -- Winston ChurchillModern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neuralfunction are perfectly correlated, that on...More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One pathleads to despair and utter hopelessness, ..."Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365...Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem. -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always,always, he was right. [That's an intere... My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists oreven that they were always wrong. Rather, ...Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them. -- Booth TarkingtonNatural laws have no pity.Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservationof energy. For another, how can it be t...Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where,it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. -- Fran LebowitzNature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. -- Francis BaconNeil Armstrong tripped.Neutrinos are into physicists.Neutrinos have bad breadth.Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do. -- R. A. HeinleinNo amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. -- HeisenbergNot far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived theSteelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they h...Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before thelight comes on.Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep. -- Ralph Waldo EmersonNuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years. -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lew...Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing."Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred." -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28, 1986,...Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon. After a while you'drun out of air to push against.Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts -- for supportrather than illumination.On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." -- Wolfgang PauliOnce upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group ofus bright young students taking number the... Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded propertyof a small priesthood, the common man had n...One Bell System - it sometimes works.One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!One Bell System - it works.One can search the brain with a microscope and not find themind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God. -- J. Gustav WhiteOne can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrastto the popular conception supported by...One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence anddecides to do something about it. He calls...One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machinesand end up with the atomic bomb. -- Marcel PagnolOne man's "magic" is another man's engineering. "Supernatural" is a null word. -- Robert HeinleinOne man's constant is another man's variable. -- A.J. PerlisOne of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an advisor...is to discourage... from expecting too much from mathematics. -- N. WienerOne small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is thatsometimes you must work under adverse condi...Only God can make random selections.Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.Optimization hinders evolution.Order and simplification are the first steps toward mastery of a subject-- the actual enemy is the unknown. -- Thomas MannOrganic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistryis the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Mike Adams"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." -- Alex SchureOxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal inconcentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p...Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny."Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensionalhyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain tr...Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.Polymer physicists are into chains.Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.Progress means replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly wrong.Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Inductiontechniq...... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and thedowntrodden, would naturally evolve from ...Prototype designs always work. -- Don Vonada"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smallerthan the both put together."Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.Biolog...Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces! -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden PartyQuantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Naturecannot be fooled. -- R.P. FeynmanRecession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when youlose your job. These economic downturns are... "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in theuniverse again..." An unusually long pause followed...Remember Darwin; building a better mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it worksyou're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- no...Research is to see what everybody else has seen, and think what nobodyelse has thought.Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -- Wernher von BraunReview Questions(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, and his speed doubles ...Round Numbers are always false. -- Samuel JohnsonSaliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed in small amounts over a longperiod of time. -- George CarlinScience and religion are in full accord but science and faith are in completediscord.Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a collectionof facts is no more a science than a he...Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.Science may someday discover what faith has always known.Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. -- William BuckleySentient plasmoids are a gas.Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate yourcurrent VCR to a grate resident, who wil...Solutions are obvious if one only has the optical power to observe themover the horizon. -- K.A. ArsdallSpace is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglinglybig it is. I mean, you may think it's a...Space is to place as eternity is to time. -- Joseph JoubertSpace tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve. -- WheelerStatistics are no substitute for judgement. -- Henry ClayStatistics means never having to say you're certain.Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays. Embezzlement is another matter.Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of allreal understanding. An egoless acceptance of...Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mea...Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!Take an astronaut to launch.Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient meansfor going backwards. -- Aldous HuxleyTechnology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind. -- Neil ArmstrongThe White Rabbit put on his spectacles. "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked. "Begin at the b...The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complexfacts. Seek simplicity and distrust it. -- Whitehead.The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on thepavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measuredin billigrahams.The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Goand multiply." Several months pass. ...The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues thatJupiter can have no satellites: There are se...The best defense against logic is ignorance.The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from theredoubtable John W. Campbell: The laws of pop...The bigger the theory the better.The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. -- Merrick FurstThe bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb ProjectThe church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture. -- Elbert HubbardThe clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness. -- John MuirThe Commandments of the EE: (9) Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou commence to glow ...The Commandments of the EE:(1) Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser lest it cause thee to b...The Commandments of the EE:(5) Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the measures of high-...The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.The devil finds work for idle glands.The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has solittle to recommend it. -- Allan ShermanThe difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that sciencerequires reasoning while those other subject...The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does onweather forecasters. -- Jean-Paul KauffmannThe Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designedto do the work of a man. The marke...The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kindof thing. Anyone who expects a source of...The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely to becorrect. -- William of OccamThe feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writerand understand how a refrigerator work...The following statement is not true. The previous statement is true.The Force is what holds everything together. It has its dark side, andit has its light side. It's sort of like cosmic duct tape."The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl." -- Dave BarryThe function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons. -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologistThe generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of natureis to build better mice.The Greatest Mathematical Error The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28July 1962 toward...The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers.The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when theyare right and when they are wrong, are more pow..."The identical is equal to itself, since it is different." -- Franco SpisaniThe instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And there aresearchings that are not concluded b...The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets. -- L. ZadehThe light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner isHu...The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of asoda can, when discarded will last forever ....The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.The moon is made of green cheese. -- John HeywoodThe moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.The more they over-think the plumbing the easier it is to stop up the drain.The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to exhibitnor display thyself within the limits of ...The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds newdiscoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." -- Isaac AsimovThe nation that controls magnetism controls the universe. -- Chester Gould/Dick TracyThe only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable. -- John Kenneth GalbraithThe only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is that theyserve to represent the complex of our...The only perfect science is hind-sight.The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the `socialsciences' is: some do, some don't. -- Ernest RutherfordThe opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the oppositeof a profound truth may well be another profound truth. -- Niels BohrThe perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that, whenexposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.Scientists working for the Department of En...The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they'renot perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're notengineers.The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precisemeasurement of the speed of blight.The reason that every major university maintains a department ofmathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those people.The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number orgive 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. -- Jane Bryant QuinnThe Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed. -- Dan Rather, first landing of ColumbiaThe society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity andtolerates shoddiness in philosophy becaus...The solution of problems is the most characteristic and peculiar sortof voluntary thinking. -- William JamesThe solution of this problem is trivial and is left as an exercise forthe reader.The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. -- PeerThe speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the philosophicaltradition that what we can see and...The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numberswritten on restaurant checks within the conf...The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology."The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren'teven any property taxes." -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134bThe sum of the Universe is zero.The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from availabledata. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "...The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. -- Aldo LeopoldThe tree of research must from time to time be refreshed with the bloodof bean counters. -- Alan KayThe truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. Andvice versa.The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity. -- Harlan EllisonThe unfacts, did we have them, are too imprecisely few to warrant our certitude.The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be broken.The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.The universe is an island, surrounded by whatever it is that surroundsuniverses.The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but thecombination is locked up in the safe. -- Peter DeVriesThe Universe is populated by stable things. -- Richard DawkinsThe universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent. -- SaganThe universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of fourforces which they identified as charm, ...The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,and deviation standard.The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't bedone is generally interrupted by someone doing it. -- E. HubbardThe Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly. They were just the firstnot to crash.Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green. -- GoetheThere *__is* no such thing as a civil engineer.There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axisare chosen correctly."There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and engineers.While the first two are more pleasant, ...There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring thechanges on its corollaries; that's philo...There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect thesunlight that hits your home, and "active...There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. -- R. W. GerardThere is a building with four floors. On the first floor, thereis a convention of architects. On the second flo...There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly whatthe Universe is for and why it is here, ...There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having beenoriginally breathed into a few forms ...There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing therational coordination of impulses and guts, ...There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom. -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923There is no opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it. -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"There is no royal road to geometry. -- EuclidThere is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,however marvelous it may seem today, wi... There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnappedthree colleagues, an engineer, a physicist...There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits haveno memory, which is one of their defensive...There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide oftheir favorite animal, one could guarantee the h...There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle! -- Doug CliffordThere's no future in time travel.There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talkingabout. -- John von NeumannThey don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, andtry to make everything fit it. They se...Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, and not enoughhunchbacks.This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. Thespark-gap is mightier than the pen. Dem...This is the theory that Jack built.This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius'sconstant. And then the aside: "For those o...This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've got to find a wayoff this planet.This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of thecontents may have occurred during shipment.This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and harddying... but nobody thought so. This was a...Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.Those who can, do; those who can't, write.Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewagefrom beginning to end. -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are themolecular, the corpuscular and the atomic...Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never knowwhat we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. -- Bertrand RussellTime is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.Space is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen to you.TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction offorce getting you down? Well, now t...To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivancesmay be as natural to future times as...To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. -- Thomas EdisonToday's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the earth'ssupply of gravity will be exhausted be...Torque is cheap.Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in acanyon somewhere. One of the three men sa...Two percent of zero is almost nothing.Two wrights don't make a rong, they make an airplane. Or bicycles.UFOs are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problemin relation to a bigger problem. -- P.D. OuspenskyUtility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. -- Doug LarsonWe are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us iswhether it is crazy enough to have ...We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to hisown facts. -- Patrick MoynihanWe are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please checkthe number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.This is a recording.We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.We can predict everything, except the future.We cannot command nature except by obeying her. -- Sir Francis BaconWe dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth, take fromtheir own wants by taxes and gifts,..."We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty surethat it wasn't a fish. -- Marshall McLuhanWe gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy CommissionWe have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the supportof the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a hug...... we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selectionby viewing all basic capacities of our brain a...We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn of a beautifulnew world. We will see it when we believe it. -- Saul Alinsky... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistentobservations and inferences by the thousa...We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here depends on aclever but highly unmotivated trick. -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal tend tobrand Homo sapiens as the greatest ...We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technicalproblem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The centerof the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. Yo...Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to getrid of rutabagas which nobody ever bought. ...Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8."What I've done, of course, is total garbage." -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430aWhat is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things? -- J.M. BarrieWhat is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875What is now proved was once only imagin'd. -- William BlakeWhat is research but a blind date with knowledge? -- Will HarveyWhat is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,which is the exact opposite. -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we wentaround the moon it would not make a pe...What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying. -- Nikita KhruschevWhat the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.But let him sit on a hot stove for a minut...When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people interruptedservice for one minute in his honor. Th...When some people discover the truth, they just can't understand whyeverybody isn't eager to hear it.When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four. -- S. Johnson"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical." -- Jon CarrollWhen the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all thestars were lined up in their proper places, ...When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, theplane will fly. -- Donald DouglasWhen you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigationof a topic, it is well to gave the ans...When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast byasking a carefully selected probability sa...Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE Oh, dear, where can the matter be When it's converted to energy? There is a slight loss of parity. Johnny's so long at the fair.Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime toexamine the laws of heat. -- Christopher Morley While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over tohis assistant and whispered, "Did you ever h...White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have anothermeaning? "It is the complex case that is ea...Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle? -- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini programWith all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just oncebuild a nuclear balm?With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousandmiles closer to globular cluster M13 in the co...Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.Xerox does it again and again and again and ...Xerox never comes up with anything original.Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch somerays and became a tangent ?"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context." "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into hismouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse. "W... "Yo, Mike!" "Yeah, Gabe?" "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah." "I thought you fixed that last century!" "...You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been inuse for only seven years. One of its windsh...You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat. -- The First Law Of ThermodynamicsWhat ever yo...You can take all the impact that science considerations have on fundingdecisions at NASA, put them in the navel o...You can't cheat the phone company.You cannot have a science without measurement. -- R. W. HammingYou know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.You mean you didn't *know* she was off making lots of little phone companies?You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more thanabout 10^12 to 1. -- Ernest RutherfordYou should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces ac...You will never amount to much. -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10It is the theory which decides what can be observed. -- Albert EinsteinGod is subtle, but he is not malicious. -- Albert EinsteinDopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when theycome at you rapidly. -- Greg Oetjen of Lor...100 buckets of bits on the bus 100 buckets of bitsTake one down, short it to groundFF buckets of bits on the bus ...99 blocks of crud on the disk,99 blocks of crud!You patch a bug, and dump it again:100 blocks of crud on the disk...A bit of talcumIs always walcum -- Ogden NashA box without hinges, key, or lid,Yet golden treasure inside is hid. -- J.R.R. TolkienA bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-...A cousin of mine once said about money,money is always there but the pockets change;it is not in the same pockets...A Elbereth Gilthoniel,silivren penna m'irielo menel aglar elenath!Na chaered palan-d'irielo galadhremmin ennora...A fitter fits; Though sinners sinA cutter cuts; And thinners thinAnd an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-...A is for awk, which runs like a snail, andB is for biff, which reads all your mail.C is for cc, as hackers recall...A lady with one of her ears appliedTo an open keyhole heard, inside,Two female gossips in converse free --The sub...A little word of doubtful number,A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.If you add an "s" to this,Great is the metamo...A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. -- Richard ThompsonA man of genius makes no mistakes.His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"A man who fishes for marlin in pondswill put his money in Etruscan bonds.A mighty creature is the germ,Though smaller than the pachyderm.His customary dwelling placeIs deep within the hu...A pig is a jolly companion,Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, Though mountain...A robin redbreast in a cagePuts all Heaven in a rage. -- BlakeA salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid. -- Genes...A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.All tenderly his messenger he chose;Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew...A truth that's told with bad intentBeats all the lies you can invent. -- William BlakeA-Z affectionately,1 to 10 alphabetically,from here to eternity without in betweens,still looking for a custom fi...Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,And saw, within the moonlight ...After a while you learn the subtle differenceBetween holding a hand and chaining a soul,And you learn that love d...After all my erstwhile dear,My no longer cherished,Need we say it was not love,Just because it perished? -- Edna St. Vincent MillayAgain she fled, but swift he came.Tin'uviel! Tin'uviel!He called her by her elvish name;And there she halted l... Against Idleness and MischiefHow doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!Improve each shi...Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ? -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,there's the rub.For all dreams are not equal,some exit to nightmaremost end ...Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,"How good, how good does it feel to be free?"And I answer them ...Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,Aleph-null bottles of beer,You take one down, and pass it around,Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.Alive without breath,As cold as death;Never thirsty, ever drinking,All in mail never clinking.All I need to have a good time,Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.With those three things I don't need no ...All my friends are getting married,Yes, they're all growing old,They're all staying home on the weekend,They're all doing what they're told.All that is gold does not glitter,Not all those who wander are lost;The old that is strong does not wither,Deep r... All that you touch, And all you create, All that you see, And all you destroy, All that you taste, All that y...All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuenWith all the...All the world's a VAX,And all the coders merely butchers;They have their exits and their entrails;And one int in ...All who joy would win Must share it --Happiness was born a twin. -- Lord ByronAn eye in a blue faceSaw an eye in a green face."That eye is like this eye"Said the first eye,"But in low place,Not in high place."An Hacker there was, one of the finest sortWho controlled the system; graphics was his sport.A manly man, to be a...And all that the Lorax left here in this messwas a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."Whatever THAT ...And as we stand on the edge of darknessLet our chant fill the voidThat others may know In the land of the night T...And did those feet, in ancient times,Walk upon England's mountains green?And was the Holy Lamb of GodIn England's...And here I wait so patientlyWaiting to find out what priceYou have to pay to get out ofGoing thru all of these things twice -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"And I heard Jeff exclaim,As they strolled out of sight,"Merry Christmas to all --You take credit cards, right?" -- "Outsiders" comicAnd if California slides into the ocean,Like the mystics and statistics say it will.I predict this motel will be ...And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!And if you wonder,What I am doing,As I am heading for the sink.I am spitting out all the bitterness,Along with half of my last drink.And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead. -- Joan BaezAnd miles to go before I sleep. -- Robert FrostAnd now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplentyAnd your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,The......and report cards I was always afraid to showMama'd come to schooland as I'd sit there softly cryin'Teacher'd s...And so it was, later,As the miller told his tale,That her face, at first just ghostly,Turned a whiter shade of pale. -- Procol HarumAnd the silence came surging softly backwardsWhen the plunging hooves were gone... -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"And this is good old Boston,The home of the bean and the cod,Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,And the Cabots talk only to God.And we heard him exclaimAs he started to roam:"I'm a hologram, kids,please don't try this at home!'" -- Bob ViolenceAnd... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane? She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same. Livin' on...Angels we have heard on HighTell us to go out and Buy. -- Tom LehrerAntonio Antonio Was tired of living alonioHe thought he would woo Antonio AntonioMiss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on ...April is the cruellest month... -- Thomas Stearns EliotAre there those in the land of the braveWho can tell me how I should behave When I am disgraced Because I erased A file I intended to save?As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,We may live with, but cannot live without 'em. -- Frederic ReynoldsAs I was going up Punch Card Hill, Feeling worse and worser,There I met a C.R.T. And it drop't me a cursor.C.R.T....As I was passing Project MAC,I met a Quux with seven hacks.Every hack had seven bugs;Every bug had seven manifest...As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,The words ...As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;It skipped ower the gy...As some day it may happen that a victim must be foundI've got a little list -- I've got a little listOf society o...At times discretion should be thrown aside,and with the foolish we should play the fool. -- MenanderAvoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"Azh nazg durbatal^uk, azh nazg gimbatul,Azh nazg thrakatal^uk agh burzum ishi krimpatul! -- J. R. R. TolkienBe assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcelyget your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, theref...Be valiant, but not too venturous.Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. -- John LylyBeauty is truth, truth beauty, that is allYe know on earth, and all ye need to know. -- John KeatsBecause I do,Because I do not hope,Because I do not hope to surviveInjustice from the Palace, death from the air,...Beneath this stone lies Murphy,They buried him today,He lived the life of Riley,While Riley was away. better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus < north pole > town cat /etc/passwd > list ncheck list nch...Between the ideaAnd the realityBetween the motionAnd the actFalls the Shadow -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man" [Qu...Big M, Little M, many mumbling miceAre making midnight music in the moonlight,Mighty nice!Bit off more than my mind could chew,Shower or suicide, what do I do? -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,Swimming and diving with sc...Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,A young...Boy, get your head out of the stars above,You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.Save your heart and...Breathe deep the gathering gloom.Watch lights fade from every room.Bed-sitter people look back and lament;another...Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;i borogovi eran tutti mimanti e la moma radeva f...But has any little atom, While a-sittin' and a-splittin',Ever stopped to think or CARE That E = m c**2 ?But I was there and I saw what you did,I saw it with my own two eyes.So you can wipe off that grin;I know where you've been--It's all been a pack of lies!But scientists, who ought to knowAssure us that it must be so.Oh, let us never, never doubtWhat nobody is sure about. -- Hilaire BellocBut soft you, the fair Ophelia:Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,But get thee to a nunnery -- go! -- Mark "The Bard" TwainBut, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,In proving foresight may be vain:The best laid schemes o' mice an' menGang aft ...Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyesOf hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;Less dear than army ants in ...By the time you swear you're his,shivering and sighingand he vows his passion isinfinite, undying --Lady, make a ...By the yard, life is hard.By the inch, it's a cinch.Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,Calm down, and speak to me in English,Pl...Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,A root or two, a torus and ...CandyIs dandyBut liquorIs quicker. -- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"Fortune updates the great quotes:...Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world. -- The Beach BoysCecil, you're my final hopeOf finding out the true Straight DopeFor I have been reading of Schrodinger's catBut n...Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,But it's very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money? -- Ogden NashCharlie was a chemist,But Charlie is no more.For what he thought was H2O,Was H2SO4.Children aren't happy without something to ignore,And that's what parents were created for. -- Ogden NashChivalry, Schmivalry! Roger the thief has a method he uses for sneaky attacks:Folks who are reading are Character...Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch...Cold be hand and heart and bone,and cold be sleep under stone;never more to wake on stony bed,never, till the Sun...Come fill the cup and in the fire of springYour winter garment of repentence fling.The bird of time has but a lit...Come live with me and be my love,And we will some new pleasures proveOf golden sands and crystal brooksWith silke...Come live with me, and be my love,And we will some new pleasures proveOf golden sands, and crystal brooks,With silken lines, and silver hooks. -- John DonneCome on, Virginia, don't make me wait!Catholic girls start much too late,Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down t...Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,And every vector dreams of matrices.Hark to the gentle gradient of the bre...Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get s...Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,Their indices bedecked from one ...Come, muse, let us sing of rats! -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767Come, you spiritsThat tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-fullOf d...Coming to Stores Near You:101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring: (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Do...Confusion will be my epitaphas I walk a cracked and broken pathIf we make it we can all sit back and laughbut I f...Death comes on every passing breeze,He lurks in every flower;Each season has its own disease,Its peril -- every hour. --Reginald Heber Deck us all with Boston Charlie, Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! Nora's freezin' on the trolley, Swaller doll...Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature. -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"Despising machines to a man,The Luddites joined up with the Klan, And ride out by night In a sheeting of whiteTo ...Didja' ever have to make up your mind,Pick up on one and leave the other behind,It's not often easy, and it's not...Disillusioned words like bullets bark,As human gods aim for their mark,Make everything from toy guns that sparkTo...Do your otters do the shimmy?Do they like to shake their tails?Do your wombats sleep in tophats?Is your garden full of snails?Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,Across my dreams, with n...Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;don't let nobody...Don't loseYour headTo gain a minuteYou need your headYour brains are in it. -- Burma ShaveDon't wake me up too soon...Gonna take a ride across the moon...You and me.Double Bucky, you're the one,You make my keyboard so much fun,Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o...Down to the Banana Republics,Down to the tropical sun.Go the expatriated Americans,Hoping to find some fun.Some o...Drink and dance and laugh and lieLove, the reeling midnight throughFor tomorrow we shall die!(But, alas, we never do.) -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"Easy come and easy go, some call me easy money,Sometimes life is full of laughs, and sometimes it ain't funnyYou ...Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard And waits for a line on the screenLives in a dreamWaits for a signal Finding s...Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinningEndless the quest;I turn again, back to my own beginning,And here, find rest.Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven Dir mohmen R"at...Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen;Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen. -- Goethe, "Faust"Even a man who is pure at heart,And says his prayers at nightCan become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,And the moon is full and bright. -- The Wolf Man, 1941Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,Sat the dry seed of most u...Ever Onward! Ever Onward!That's the sprit that has brought us fame.We're big but bigger we will be,We can't fail...Ever since I was a young boy,I've hacked the ARPA net,From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite termina...Every love's the love beforeIn a duller dress. -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. -- Miguel de CervantesEvery night my prayers I say, And get my dinner every day;And every day that I've been good, I get an orange afte...Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with theirfingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is...Everything's great in this good old world;(This is the stuff they can always use.)God's in his heaven, the hill's...Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,Everyone is looking for the ...F: When into a room I plunge, I Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. Then I linger, darkly brooding On the poison they're exuding. -- The Roguelet's ABCFamilies, when a child is bornWant it to be intelligent.I, through intelligence,Having wrecked my whole life,Only...Farewell we call to hearth and hall!Though wind may blow and rain may fall,We must away ere break of dayFar over ...Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,An endothermic quadroped, carnivorous by nature.Your visual, olfactory...Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!Drink and the devil had done for the rest,Yo-ho-ho...Fifty flippant frogsWalked by on flippered feetAnd with their slime they made the timeUnnaturally fleet.Finality is death.Perfection is finality.Nothing is perfect.There are lumps in it.Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,I can see t...Flying saucers on occasion Show themselves to human eyes.Aliens fume, put off invasion While they brand these tales as lies."For a couple o' pins," says Troll, and grins,"I'll eat thee too, and gnaw thy shins.A bit o' fresh meat will go ...For gin, in cruelSober truth,Supplies the fuelFor flaming youth. -- Noel CowardFor knighthood is not in the feats of war,As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,But in a cause which truth ca..."Force is but might," the teacher said--"That definition's just."The boy said naught but thought instead,Remember...Four be the things I am wiser to know:Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.Four be the things I'd been better wi...Friends, Romans, Hipsters,Let me clue you in;I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.The square kicks some c...From too much love of living,From hope and fear set free,We thank with brief thanksgiving,Whatever gods may be,Th...Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light. -- Dylan Thomas [paraphrased periphrastically]Get out, you old Wight! Vanish in the sunlight!Shrivel like the cold mist, like the winds go wailing,Out into th...Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la l...Gil-galad was an Elven-king.Of him the harpers sadly sing:the last whose realm was fair and freebetween the Mount...Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...But if you split those atoms fine, Mama keep 'em...Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!But of all plagues, goo...Give me your students, your secretaries,Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,The wretched refuse of your...Go placidly amid the noise and waste,And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.Avoid quiet...Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there maybe in owning a piece thereof. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, t...Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fieldsSold in a market down in New OrleansScarred old slaver knows he's do...Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,I went out for a ride and never came back.Like a river that don't know wher...Graphics blind the eyes.Audio files deafen the ear.Mouse clicks numb the fingers.Heuristics weaken the mind.Optio...H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, Slice him up before he slays you. Nothing makes you look a slob Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). -- The Roguelet's ABC Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes theremay be in Science. As fast as possible ge..."Had he and I but metBy some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,We should have sat us down to wet And stari...Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. S...Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. -- Pink Floyd Hard Copies and ChmodAnd everyone thinks computers are impersonalcold diskdrives hardware monitorsuser-hostile ...Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,Advertising wondrous things.Angels we have heard on HighTell us to go out and Buy. -- Tom LehrerHave you ever felt like a wounded cowhalfway between an oven and a pasture?walking in a trance toward a pregnant ...Have you seen how Sonny's burning,Like some bright erotic star,He lights up the proceedings,And raises the temperature. -- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning"Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?In his eyes you s...Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,Hi...He heard there oft the flying soundOf feet as light as linden-leaves,Of music welling underground,In hidden hollo...He thought he saw an albatrossThat fluttered 'round the lamp.He looked again and saw it wasA penny postage stamp....He who invents adages for others to perusetakes along rowboat when going on cruise.He who loses, wins the race,And parallel lines meet in space. -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"He's been like a father to me,He's the only DJ you can get after three,I'm an all-night musician in a rock and ro...Her locks an ancient lady gaveHer loving husband's life to save;And men -- they honored so the dame --Upon some s...Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't beI've been caught inside this trap too many timesI must've walked...Here I sit, broken-hearted,All logged in, but work unstarted.First net.this and net.that,And a hot buttered bun f...Here in my heart, I am Helen; I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el; I'm Sal...HERE LIES LESTER MOORESHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44NO LESNO MOORE -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZHey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow!Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo! -- J. R. R. TolkienHey! Come derry dol! Hop along, my hearties!Hobbits! Ponies all! We are fond of parties.Now let the fun begin! Let us sing together! -- J. R. R. TolkienHey! Come merry dol! derry dol! My darling!Light goes the weather-wind and the feathered starling.Down along und...Hey! now! Come hoy now! Whither do you wander?Up, down, near or far, here, there or yonder?Sharp-ears, Wise-nos...Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdlTo get a little more stack;If that's not enough then you lose it allAnd have to pop all the way back.Hickory Dickory Dock,The mice ran up the clock,The clock struck one,The others escaped with minor injuries.Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich;Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich.Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a...Higgeldy Piggeldy,Hamlet of ElsinoreRuffled the critics byDropping this bomb:"Phooey on Freud and hisPsychoanalysis --Oedipus, Shmoedipus,I just love Mom."...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest. -- The Who, "Tommy"History is curious stuff You'd think by now we had enoughYet the fact remains I fear They make more of it every year.Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.Pour my black old c...Ho! Ho! Ho! to the bottle I goTo heal my heart and drown my woe.Rain may fall and wind may blow,And many miles be...Ho! Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo!By water, wood and hill, by reed and willow,By fire, sun and moon, harken now an...Hop along my little friends, up the Withywindle!Tom's going on ahead candles for to kindle.Down west sinks the Su...How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? -- Pink FloydHow doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail,And pour the waters of the Nile On every golden scale!How ...How doth the VAX's C-compiler Improve its object code.And even as we speak does it Increase the system load.How p...Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!All the king's horses,And all the king's men,Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifleI w...I am changing my name to ChryslerI am going down to Washington, D.C.I will tell some power broker What they did f...I B MU B MWe all B MFor I B M!!!! -- H.A.R.L.I.E.I can live withoutSomeone I loveBut not withoutSomeone I need. -- "Safety"I can see him a'comin'With his big boots on,With his big thumb out,He wants to get me.He wants to hurt me.He want...I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe WalshI don't know what Descartes' got,But booze can do what Kant cannot. -- Mike CrossI don't need no arms around me...I don't need no drugs to calm me...I have seen the writing on the wall.Don't thi...I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,But there will definitely be a party tonight...I don't want a pickle, I just wanna ride on my motorsickle.And I don't want to die, I just want to ride on my motorcy.Cle. -- Arlo GuthrieI gave my love an Apple, that had no core;I gave my love a building, that had no floor;I wrote my love a program,...I get up each morning, gather my wits.Pick up the paper, read the obits.If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.So I...I had an errand there: gathering water-lilies,green leaves and lilies white to please my pretty lady,the last ere...I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.He is v...I have learnedTo spell hors d'oeuvresWhich still grates on Some people's n'oeuvres. -- Warren KnoxI have lots of things in my pockets;None of them is worth anything.Sociopolitical whines aside,Gan you give me, g...I have no doubt the Devil grins,As seas of ink I spatter.Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--The other kind don't matter. -- Robert W. ServiceI have that old biological urge,I have that old irresistible surge,I'm hungry.I knew Leo G. CarrolWas over a barrelWhen Tarantula took to the hills. ["Lick it!"]And I really got hotWhen I saw...I know if you been talkin' you done saidjust how suprised you wuz by the living dead.You wuz suprised that they c...I lately lost a preposition;It hid, I thought, beneath my chairAnd angrily I cried, "Perdition!Up from out of und...I lay my head on the railroad tracks,Waitin' for the double E.The railroad don't run no more.Poor poor pitiful me...I met him in a swamp down in DagobahWhere it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda S-O-D-A sodaI saw ...I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create. -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"I never saw a purple cowI never hope to see oneBut I can tell you anyhowI'd rather see than be one. -- Gellett B...I owe, I owe,It's off to work I go...I really hate this damned machineI wish that they would sell it.It never does quite what I wantBut only what I tell it."I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."He said,"What you need is to grow up, son."I said,"Growin' up l...I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,'Round and round they sped.I was disturbed at this,I accosted the man,"It is fut...I see a bad moon rising.I see trouble on the way.I see earthquakes and lightnin'I see bad times today.Don't go 'r...I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.Bernoulli would have been content to dieHa...I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shoute...I sent a message to another time,But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,I sent a message to another ...I shot a query into the net.I haven't got an answer yet, A posted message called me rottenBut seven people gave ...I stood on the leading edge,The eastern seaboard at my feet."Jump!" said Yoko OnoI'm too scared and good-looking,...I think that I shall never hearA poem lovelier than beer.The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,With golden base and...I think that I shall never seeA billboard lovely as a tree.Indeed, unless the billboards fallI'll never see a tree at all. -- Ogden NashI think that I shall never seeA thing as lovely as a tree.But as you see the trees have goneThey went this mornin..."I thought that you said you were 20 years old!""As a programmer, yes," she replied,"And you claimed to be very n...I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped ...I was born in a barrel of butcher knivesTrouble I love and peace I despiseWild horses kicked me in my sideThen a ...I was eatin' some chop suey,With a lady in St. Louie,When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.And that knoc...I went home with a waitress,The way I always do.How I was I to know?She was with the Russians too.I was gambling ...I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"He said "Nothin'."Try to sing this...I will not play at tug o' war.I'd rather play at hug o' war,Where everyone hugsInstead of tugs,Where everyone gig...I woke up a feelin' meanwent down to play the slot machinethe wheels turned round,and the letters read"Better head back to Tennessee Jed" -- Grateful DeadI would like to knowWhat I was fencing inAnd what I was fencing out. -- Robert FrostI'd never cry if I did find A blue whale in my soup...Nor would I mind a porcupine Inside a chicken coop.Yes life...I'd rather laugh with the sinners,Than cry with the saints,The sinners are much more fun! -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"I'll grant thee random access to my heart,Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;And so we two shall all l...I'll learn to play the Saxophone,I play just what I feel.Drink Scotch whisky all night long,And die behind the wh...I'll see you... on the dark side of the moon... -- Pink FloydI'm an artist.But it's not what I really want to do.What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.I know what yo...I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality. -- The WhoI'm just as sad as sad can be! I've missed your special date.Please say that you're not mad at me My tax return i...i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to beliving apart. -- e. e. cummingsI'm N-ary the tree, I am,N-ary the tree, I am, I am.I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,She's traversed...I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here -- Song title by Stephen Bishop.She Got the Gold M...I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;In short, ...I've been on this lonely road so long,Does anybody know where it goes,I remember last time the signs pointed home,A month ago. -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"I've built a better model than the one at Data GeneralFor data bases vegetable, animal, and mineralMy OS handles ...I've finally found the perfect girl,I couldn't ask for more,She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,And owns a liquor store.I/O, I/O,It's off to disk I go,A bit or byte to read or write,I/O, I/O, I/O...IamnotveryhappyactingpleasedwheneverprominentscientistsovermagnifyintellectualenlightenmentIBM had a PL/I, Its syntax worse than JOSS;And everywhere this language went, It was a total loss.If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,... it expects what never was and never will be. -- Thomas JeffersonIf a system is administered wisely,its users will be content.They enjoy hacking their codeand don't waste time im...If all be true that I do think,There be five reasons why one should drink;Good friends, good wine, or being dry,O...If all the seas were ink,And all the reeds were pens,And all the skies were parchment,And all the men could write...If an S and an I and an O and a UWith an X at the end spell Su;And an E and a Y and an E spell I,Pray what is a s...If Dr. Seuss Were a Technical Writer.....Here's an easy game to play.Here's an easy thing to say:If a packet hits...If I could read your mind, love,What a tale your thoughts could tell,Just like a paperback novel,The kind the dru...If I could stick my pen in my heart,I would spill it all over the stage.Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by...If I don't drive around the park,I'm pretty sure to make my mark.If I'm in bed each night by ten,I may get back m...If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it? -- Alan Parsons ProjectIf I traveled to the end of the rainbowAs Dame Fortune did intend,Murphy would be there to tell meThe pot's at the other end. -- Bert WhitneyIf researchers wrote nursery rhymes...Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,Eating components of soured mi...If she had not been cupric in her ions,Her shape ovoidal,Their romance might have flourished.But he built tetrahe...If you had just a minute to breathe,And they granted you one final wish,Would you ask for somethingLike another c...If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. Or some joker who is ...If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,As well as by traffic and crime,Consider how worry-free gophers ...Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, Et le...In /users3 did Kubla KahnA stately pleasure dome decree,Where /bin, the sacred river ranThrough Test Suites measureless to ManDown to a sunless C.In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.And every tas...In high school in BrooklynI was the baseball manager,proud as I could beI chased baseballs,gathered thrown batsha...In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach spaceLet superscripts and subscripts go their ways.Our asymptotes no longer out ...In the dimestores and bus stationsPeople talk of situationsRead books repeat quotationsDraw conclusions on the wall. -- Bob DylanIn the early morning queue,With a listing in my hand.With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,Waitin'...In the land of the dark the Ship of theSun is driven by the Grateful Dead. -- Egyptian Book of the DeadIn this valeOf toil and sinYour head grows baldBut not your chin. -- Burma ShaveIn Xanadu did Kubla KhanA stately pleasure dome decree:Where Alph, the sacred river, ranThrough caverns measurele...In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decreeBut only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go.Spare your voice, and hold your pen: Well and bitterly I knowA...It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.It lies behind starts and under hills,And empt...It hangs down from the chandelierNobody knows quite what it doesIts color is odd and its shape is weirdIt emits a...It happened long agoIn the new magic landThe Indians and the buffalo Existed hand in handThe Indians needed fo...It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way. -- Proverbs 19:2It used to be the fun was inThe capture and kill.In another place and timeI did it all for thrills. -- Lust to LoveIt was one time too manyOne word too fewIt was all too much for me and youThere was one way to goNothing more we ...It's faster horses,Younger women,Older whiskey andMore money. -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"It's gonna be alright,It's almost midnight,And I've got two more bottles of wine.It's just a jump to the left And then a step to the right.Put your hands on your hips And pull your knees in tigh...It's just apartment house rules,So all you 'partment house foolsRemember: one man's ceiling is another man's flo...It's Like ThisEven the samuraihave teddy bears,and even the teddy bearsget drunk.It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon. -- Tom Lehrer, "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment, just to see if it's real,Oooh, it's so erotic having ...John Dame May OscarWas Gay Was Whitty Was WildeBut Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But ThorntonWas Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder -- Willard EspyJohn the Baptist after poisoning a thief,Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,Saying tell me great leader...Just a song before I go, Going through securityTo whom it may concern, I held her for so long.Traveling twice ...Just machines to make big decisions,Programmed by men for compassion and vision,We'll be clean when their work is...`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, As he landed his crew with care;Supporting each man on the top o...`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, As he landed his crew with care;Supporting each man on the top o...Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,I went out ...K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; Cobol's wordy and confining; KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; Don't feel...Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries sheWith silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,Your huddled mas...Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Ether Bunny... Yea![chorus] Yeay! Stay on the Happy side, a...Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,I come before you to stand behind ...Ladles and Jellyspoons!I come before you to stand behind you,To tell you something I know nothing about.Since nex...Lady, lady, should you meetOne whose ways are all discreet,One who murmurs that his wifeIs the lodestar of his li...Ladybug, ladybug,Look to your stern!Your house is on fire,Your children will burn!So jump ye and sing, forThe ver...Last night I met upon the stairA little man who wasn't there.He wasn't there again today.Gee how I wish he'd go away!Latin is a language,As dead as can be.First it killed the Romans,And now it's killing me.Let me not to the marriage of true mindsAdmit impediments. Love is not loveWhich alters when it alteration finds...Let us go then you and Iwhile the night is laid out against the skylike a smear of mustard on an old pork pie."Ni...Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,The muttering retreatsOf restless nights in one-night cheap hote...Let us treat men and women well;Treat them as if they were real;Perhaps they are. -- Ralph Waldo EmersonLife is like a tin of sardines.We're, all of us, looking for the key. -- Beyond the FringeLife is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"Lift every voice and singTill earth and heaven ring,Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;Let our rejoicing riseHigh...Lighten up, while you still can,Don't even try to understand,Just find a place to make your stand,And take it easy. -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"Like corn in a field I cut you down,I threw the last punch way too hard,After years of going steady, well, I thou..."Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.Until he died, and so reached that ...Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,Lisp Machine is Fun.Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,Fun for everyone.Little Fly,Thy summer's play If thought is lifeMy thoughtless hand And strength & breath,Has brush'd away. And...Lizzie Borden took an axe,And plunged it deep into the VAX;Don't you envy people whoDo all the things ___YOU want to do?Logicians have but ill definedAs rational the human kind.Logic, they say, belongs to man,But let them prove it if they can. -- Oliver GoldsmithLouie Louie, me gotta goLouie Louie, me gotta goFine little girl she waits for meMe catch the ship for cross the ...Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.Love isn't love 'til you give it away. -- Oscar Hammerstein IILove, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart, seized this one for the fair form that was taken from me-and th...Margaret, are you grievingOver Goldengrove unleaving?Leaves, like the things of man,You, with your fresh thoughts...Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.[D]en Hreorfneor...Most folks they like the daytime, 'cause they like to see the shining sun.They're up in the morning, off and a-r...Mummy dust to make me old;To shroud my clothes, the black of night;To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;To whiten...My analyst told me that I was right out of my head, But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.Beca...My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,The height of its contents to see!She lit a small match to assist her,Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not wantIt maketh me accurate to ten significant figures, and it leadeth me...My darling wife was always glum.I drowned her in a cask of rum,And so made sure that she would stayIn better spirits night and day.My love runs by like a day in June, And he makes no friends of sorrows.He'll tread his galloping rigadoon In the ...My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, And a wild young wood-thing bore him!The ways are fair to his roaming...My My, hey heyRock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgottenIt's better to burn out This ..."My name is Sue! How do you do?! Now you gonna die!"Well, I hit him hard right between the eyes,And he went dow...My own dear love, he is strong and bold And he cares not what comes after.His words ring sweet as a chime of gold...My pen is at the bottom of a page,Which, being finished, here the story ends;'Tis to be wished it had been sooner...My soul is crushed, my spirit soreI do not like me anymore,I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,I ponder on the narr...Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.As on the land while here ...Near the Studio Jean CocteauOn the Rue des Ecoleslived an old manwith a blind dogEvery evening I would see himgui...Neuroses are red, Melancholia's blue.I'm schizophrenic, What are you?New York's got the ways and means;Just won't let you be. -- The Grateful DeadNew York-- to that tall skyline I comeFlyin' in from London to your doorNew York-- lookin' down on Central ParkWh...Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool.Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool. -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)Nine megs for the secretaries fair,Seven megs for the hackers scarce,Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,Three...Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapesAnd tapes without any tracks;Stretchy tapes and snarley tapesAnd tapes mixe...No one likes us.I don't know why.We may not be perfect, We give them money,But heaven knows we try. But are th...No pig should go sky diving during monsoonFor this isn't really the norm.But should a fat swine try to soar like ...No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enoug..."No program is perfect,"They said with a shrug."The customer's happy--What's one little bug?"But he was determine...No rock so hard but that a little waveMay beat admission in a thousand years. -- TennysonNo sooner had Edger Allen PoeFinished his old Raven,then he started his Old Crow.No, his mind is not for rentTo any god or government.Always hopeful, yet discontent,He knows changes aren't permanent -But change is.Nothing that's forced can ever be right,If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.That's what she said as she turned...Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure. -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"Now I lay me back to sleep.The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.If he should stop before I wake,Give me a nudge for goodness' sake. -- AnonymousNow I lay me down to sleepI pray the double lock will keep;May no brick through the window break,And, no one rob me till I awake.Now I lay me down to sleep,I pray the Lord my soul to keep,If I should die before I wake,I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"Now I lay me down to study,I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.And if I fail to learn this junk,I pray the Lord that...Now it's time to say goodbyeTo all our company...M-I-C (see you next week!)K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)M-O-U-S-E.Now let the song begin! Let us sing togetherOf sun, star, moon and mist, rain and cloudy weather,Light on the bu...Now of my threescore years and ten,Twenty will not come again,And take from seventy springs a score,It leaves me ...Now that day wearies me,My yearning desireWill receive more kindly,Like a tired child, the starry night.Hands, le...Now what would they do if I just sailed away?Who the hell really compelled me to leave today?Runnin' low on stori...Now's the time to have some big ideasNow's the time to make some firm decisionsWe saw the Buddha in a bar down so...O give me a home,Where the buffalo roam,Where the deer and the antelope play,Where seldom is heardA discouraging word,'Cause what can an antelope say?O love, could thou and I with fate conspireTo grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,Might we not smash it to b...O slender as a willow-wand! O clearer than clear water!O reed by the living pool! Fair river-daughter!O spring-...O! Wanderers in the shadowed landdespair not! For though dark they stand,all woods there be must end at last,and...Observe yon plumed biped fine.To activate its captivation,Deposit on its termination,A quantity of particles saline.Of all the words of witch's doomThere's none so bad as which and whom.The man who kills both which and whomWill b...Oh don't the days seem lank and long When all goes right and none goes wrong,And isn't your life extremely flat With nothing whatever to grumble at!Oh give me your pity!I'm on a committee, We attend and amendWhich means that from morning And contend and defe...Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?Come all you moby hackers, come s..."Oh, 'Melia, my dear, this does everything crown!Who could have supposed I should meet you in Town?And whence suc...Oh, by the way, which one's Pink? -- Pink FloydOh, give me a home,Where the buffalo roam,And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus Where the three-body problem is solved, Where the microwaves play d...Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay I muck with indices and structs all dayAnd when it works, I shout hoo-ray Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okayOh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;Sunward I've climbed ...Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,A medley of extemporanea;And love is thing that can never go wrong;And I am Marie of Roumania. -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.No, he won't c...Oh, when I was in love with you, Then I was clean and brave,And miles around the wonder grew How well did I behav...Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone. -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe,She had so many children,She didn't know what to do.So she moved to Atlanta.Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboardTo fetch her poor daughter a dress.When she got there, the cupboard was bareAnd so was her daughter, I guess...Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow,Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow.None has ever caught him y...On a morning from a Bogart movie, in a country where they turned back time,You go strolling through the crowd lik...On the good ship EnterpriseEvery week there's a new surpriseWhere the Romulans lurkAnd the Klingons often go bers...Once again dread deed is done.Canon sleeps,his all-knowing eye shadedto human chance and circumstance.Peace reign...Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off...Once upon this midnight incoherent,While you pondered sentient and crystalline,Over many a broken and subordinate...One bright Sunday morning, in the shadows of the steeple,By the Relief Office, I seen my people;As they stood the...One day,A mad meta-poet,With nothing to say,Wrote a mad meta-poemThat started: "One day,A mad meta-poet,With noth...One good thing about music,Well, it helps you feel no pain.So hit me with music;Hit me with music now. -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"One pill makes you larger, And if you go chasing rabbitsAnd one pill makes you small. And you know you're going...One reason why George WashingtonIs held in such veneration:He never blamed his problemsOn the former Administration. -- George O. LudckeOne thing about the past.It's likely to last. -- Ogden NashOne toke over the line, sweet Mary,One toke over the line,Sittin' downtown in a railway station,One toke over the...Other women cloyThe appetites they feed, but she makes hungryWhere most she satisfies. -- Antony and CleopatraOur little systems have their day;They have their day and cease to be;They are but broken lights of thee. -- TennysonOur sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.We their sons are more worthless than they:so in our turn we shall ...Parsley is gharsley. -- Ogden NashPayeen to a TwangDerridaOre-Idapotato.If you dared,I'd ask youto go digup your ides under brown-tubered skies.where pitchforkedyou will askDerrida?Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,I wonder how the old folks are tonight,Her name was Ann, and I'...Piping down the valleys wild,Piping songs of pleasant glee,On a cloud I saw a child,And he laughing said to me:"P...Plagiarize, plagiarize,Let no man's work evade your eyes,Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,Don't shade yo...Planet Claire has pink hair.All the trees are red.No one ever dies there.No one has a head....Please stand for the National Anthem: Australians all, let us rejoice, For we are young and free. We've golden so...Please stand for the National Anthem: God save our Gracious Queen! Long live our Noble Queen! God save the Queen!...Please stand for the National Anthem: O Canada Our home and native land True patriot love In all thy sons' comman...Please stand for the National Anthem: Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light What so proudly we hailed at the ...Power, like a desolating pestilence,Pollutes whate'er it touches... -- Percy Bysshe ShelleyProbable-Possible, my black hen,She lays eggs in the Relative When.She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive NowBecaus... Proposed Country & Western Song TitlesI Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other SideIf You Wo... Proposed Country & Western Song TitlesI Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' AloneI Wouldn't Ta... Proposed Country & Western Song TitlesShe Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a GlassIf ...Put another password in,Bomb it out, then try again.Try to get past logging in,We're hacking, hacking, hacking.Tr...rain falls where clouds comesun shines where clouds goclouds just come and go -- Florian GutzwillerRazors pain you; Rivers are damp. Acids stain you,And drugs cause cramp.Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give. Gas smel...Reach into the thoughts of friends,And find they do not know your name.Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,And watch...Reclaimer, spare that tree!Take not a single bit!It used to point to me,Now I'm protecting it.It was the reader's...Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only beworse in Cleveland. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"Remember theeAy, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seatIn this distracted globe. Remember thee!Yea, from the ...Remove me from this land of slaves,Where all are fools, and all are knaves,Where every knave and fool is bought, ...Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun,With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done.The dea...Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,Juliet was waiting...Roses are red; Violets are blue.I'm schizophrenic, And so am I.Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, Is like being nowhere at all,All through the day how the hours rush by, You sit in...Say it with flowers,Or say it with mink,But whatever you do,Don't say it with ink! -- Jimmie DuranteSay many of cameras focused t'us,Our middle-aged shots do us justice.No justice, please, curse ye!We really want ...Say my love is easy had, Say I'm bitten raw with pride,Say I am too often sad -- Still behold me at your side.Say...Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--Bust in business, lost your wife;No one cares a cent about you,You don't c...Science Fiction, Double Feature.Frank has built and lost his creature.Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.The s...Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.Why preyest thou thus u...Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,Fain how I pause at your nature specific,Loftily poised in the ether ca...Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plugRoll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an ex...Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.She scissored short. Sorely shorn,Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,Silently sche...Seek for the Sword that was broken:In Imladris it dwells;There shall be counsels takenStronger than Morgul-spells...She asked me, "What's your sign?"I blinked and answered "Neon,"I thought I'd blow her mind...She blinded me with science!She can kill all your files;She can freeze with a frown.And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.And s...She stood on the tracksWaving her armsLeading me to that third rail shockQuick as a winkShe changed her mindShe g...SHIFT TO THE LEFT!SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!POP UP, PUSH DOWN,BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!Shift to the left,Shift to the right,Mask in, mask out,BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!Since I hurt my pendulumMy life is all erratic.My parrot who was cordialIs now transmitting static.The carpet die...Sing hey! for the bath at close of dayThat washes the weary mud away!A loon is he that will not sing:O! Water Hot...Snow-white! Snow-white! O Lady clear!O Queen beyond the Western Sea!O Light to us that wander hereAmid the worl...So muchdependsupona redwheelbarrowglazed withrainwaterbesidethe whitechickens. -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"So, you better watch out!You better not cry!You better not pout!I'm telling you why,Santa Claus is coming, to tow...So... so you think you can tellHeaven from Hell?Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to tradeCan you tell a g...Soldiers who wish to be a heroAre practically zero,But those who wish to be civilians,They run into the millions.Some of them want to use you,Some of them want to be used by you,...Everybody's looking for something. -- EurythmicsSome primal termite knocked on wood.And tasted it, and found it good.And that is why your Cousin MayFell through the parlor floor today. -- Ogden NashSome say the world will end in fire,Some say in ice.From what I've tasted of desireI hold with those who favor fi...Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.Don't make me angry with the things gam...Sometimes I live in the country,And sometimes I live in town.And sometimes I have a great notion,To jump in the river and drown.Sometimes the light's all shining on me,Other times I can barely see.Lately it occurs to meWhat a long strange tr...Speak roughly to your little boy, And beat him when he sneezes:He only does it to annoy Because he knows it tease...Speak roughly to your little VAX, And boot it when it crashes;It knows that one cannot relax Because the paging t...Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flairHe throw...Spring is here, spring is here,Life is skittles and life is beer.St. Patrick was a gentlemanwho through strategy and stealthdrove all the snakes from Ireland.Here's a toasting to...Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,One of...Step back, unbelievers!Or the rain will never come.Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum...Strange things are done to be number oneIn selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,IBM has their str...Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;The deed there is, but no doer thereof;Nirvana is, but no one is seeking ...Sun in the night, everyone is together,Ascending into the heavens, life is forever. -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night" / SUN of them wants to use you, \ / \ / SUN of them wants to be used by you, / / / / // // // / SU...Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".System/3! System/3!See how it runs! See how it runs! Its monitor loses so totally! It runs all its programs in ...T: One big monster, he called TROLL. He don't rock, and he don't roll; Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. He ju...Take a look around you, tell me what you see,A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key.If you ...Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally gettingenough cheese. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,Tan me hide when I'm dead.So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,It's hanging ...Tell me why the stars do shine,Tell me why the ivy twines,Tell me why the sky's so blue,And I will tell you just ...Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,Is those things arms, or is they legs?I marvel at thee, Octopus;If I were thou, I'd call me us. -- Ogden NashTerence, this is stupid stuff:You eat your victuals fast enough;There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,To see the ...That feeling just came over me. -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"That money talks,I'll not deny,I heard it once,It said "Good-bye. -- Richard Armour The Advertising Agency Song When your client's hopping mad, Put his picture in the ad. If he still should prove refractory, Add a picture of his factory.The all-softening overpowering knell,The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell. -- Lord ByronThe bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,And I *can't*b...The bank sent our statement this morning,The red ink was a sight of great awe!Their figures and mine might have balanced,But my wife was too quick on the draw.The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...and the bird is on the wing. -- Omar KhayyamThe boy stood on the burning deck,Eating peanuts by the peck.His father called him, but he could not go,For he loved those peanuts so.The camel has a single hump;The dromedary two;Or else the other way around.I'm never sure. Are you? -- Ogden NashThe carbonyl is polarized,The delta end is plus.The nucleophile will thus attack,The carbon nucleus.Addition make...The common cormorant, or shag,Lays eggs inside a paper bag;The reason, you will see, no doubt,Is to keep the ligh...The difference between us is not very far,cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.The eyes of Texas are upon you,All the livelong day;The eyes of Texas are upon you,You cannot get away;Do not thi...The garden is in mourning;The rain falls cool among the flowers.Summer shivers quietlyOn its way towards its end....The glances over cocktailsThat seemed to be so sweetDon't seem quite so amorousOver Shredded WheatThe good (I am convinced, for one)Is but the bad one leaves undone.Once your reputation's doneYou can live a life of fun. -- Wilhelm BuschThe good life was so elusiveIt really got me downI had to regain some confidenceSo I got into camouflageThe good time is approaching,The season is at hand.When the merry click of the two-base lickWill be heard through...The grave's a fine and private place,but none, I think, do there embrace. -- Andrew MarvellThe hope that springs eternalSprings right up your behind. -- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find"The Junior God now heads the rollIn the list of heaven's peers;He sits in the House of High Control,And he regula...The ladies men admire, I've heard,Would shudder at a wicked word.Their candle gives a single light;They'd rather ...The leaves were long, the grass was green,The hemlock-umbels tall and fair,And in the glade a light was seenOf st...The lights are on,but you're not home;Your willis not your own;Your heart sweats,Your teeth grind;Another kissand...The little town that time forgot,Where all the women are strong,The men are good-looking,And the children above-average. -- Prairie Home Companion The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am ina position of negative need. He prostrates me in...The makers may makeand the users may use,but the fixers must fixwith but minimal cluesThe man she had was kind and cleanAnd well enough for every day,But oh, dear friends, you should have seenThe one...The morning sun when it's in your face really shows your age,But that don't bother me none; in my eyes you're eve...The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on: nor all they Piety nor WitShall lure it back to cancel half...The net of law is spread so wide,No sinner from its sweep may hide.Its meshes are so fine and strong,They take in...The night passes quickly when you're asleepBut I'm out shufflin' for something to eat...Breakfast at the Egg Hous...The one L lama, he's a priestThe two L llama, he's a beastAnd I will bet my silk pyjamaThere isn't any three L ll...The Pig, if I am not mistaken,Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.Let others think his heart is big,I think it stupid of the Pig. -- Ogden NashThe Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life The most important poet in the seventeenth century was GeorgeWither. Alexa...The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, Were each of them once a kiddie.A child, indeed, is a wonderful creatu...The Rabbits The CowHere is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;That doesn't mention their habi...The rain it raineth on the just And also on the unjust fella,But chiefly on the just, because The unjust steals the just's umbrella. -- Lord BowenThe rhino is a homely beast,For human eyes he's not a feast.Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,I'll stare at something less prepoceros. -- Ogden NashThe Road goes ever on and onDown from the door where it began.Now far ahead the Road has gone,And I must follow, ...The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,And surly Winter grimly flies.Now crystal clear are the falling waters,And ...The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door.He said, "I am not fighting for you any more."The queen knew she ...The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.In town a noun might wear a gown,or further down, might dress a clown....The street preacher looked so baffledWhen I asked him why he dressedWith forty pounds of headlines Stapled to his...The sun was shining on the sea,Shining with all his might:He did his very best to makeThe billows smooth and brig...The Thought Police are here. They've comeTo put you under cardiac arrest.And as they drag you through the doorTh...The thrill is here, but it won't last longYou'd better have your fun before it moves along...The trouble with a kitten is thatWhen it grows up, it's always a cat -- Ogden Nash.The trouble with youIs the trouble with me.Got two good eyesBut we still don't see. -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"The truth you speak has no past and no future.It is, and that's all it needs to be.The turtle lives 'twixt plated decksWhich practically conceal its sex.I think it clever of the turtleIn such a fix to be so fertile. -- Ogden NashThe weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.My girlfriend's a...The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, Like Jaspar wine and sugar,It must have blown through someone's feet, Like those of Caspar Weinberger. -- P. OpusThe wombat lives across the seas,Among the far Antipodes.He may exist on nuts and berries,Or then again, on missi...The Worst American Poet Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad thatMark Twain said he... The Worst Lines of VerseFor a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line: "Come, muse, let us sing ...The young lady had an unusual list,Linked in part to a structural weakness.She set no preconditions.The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?There's...Then here's to the City of Boston,The town of the cries and the groans.Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschnik...There are bad times just around the corner,There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky And it's no good whinin...There are places I'll rememberAll my life though some have changed.Some forever not for better Some have gone and...There are strange things done in the midnight sun By the men who moil for gold;The Arctic trails have their secre...There is in certain living soulsA quality of loneliness unspeakable,So great it must be sharedAs company is share...There is no point in waiting.The train stopped running years ago.All the schedules, the brochures,The bright-colo...There is something in the pang of changeMore than the heart can bear,Unhappiness remembering happiness. -- EuripidesThere once was a Sailor who looked through a glassAnd spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island.Where sea...There was a little girlWho had a little curlRight in the middle of her forehead.When she was good, she was very, ...There's a lesson that I need to rememberWhen everything is falling apartIn life, just like in lovingThere's such ...There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toastThe corporation that we represent.We're here to cheer e...There's amnesia in a hangknot,And comfort in the ax,But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax. The...There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine:This living, this living, this living, Was ne...They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results About a month before. Their hair began to curl...They went rushing down that freeway,Messed around and got lost.They didn't care... they were just dying to get of...They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,The man said "We got all that we can use",So I've got those ...Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?It doth; but actions are our epochs; mineHave made my days and nights..."Thirty days hath Septober,April, June, and no wonder.all the rest have peanut butterexcept my father who wears red suspenders."Thirty white horses on a red hill,First they champ,Then they stamp,Then they stand still. -- TolkienThis ae nighte, this ae nighte,Everye nighte and alle,Fire and sleet and candlelyte,And Christe receive thy saule. -- The Lykewake DirgeThis here's the wattle,The emblem of our land.You can stick it in a bottle;You can hold it in your hand.Amen! -- Monty PythonThis is for all ill-treated fellows Unborn and unbegot,For them to read when they're in trouble And I am not. -- A. E. HousmanThis is the story of the beeWhose sex is very hard to seeYou cannot tell the he from the sheBut she can tell, and...This is the way the world ends,This is the way the world ends,This is the way the world ends,Not with a bang but with a whimper. -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"This land is my land, and only my land,I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,If you don't get off, I'll blow ...This thing all things devours:Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;Gnaws iron, bites steel;Grinds hard stones to meal;Sl...Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowelsHere's the reason that they fell: Lispe...Though I respect that a lotI'd be fired if that were my jobAfter killing Jason off andCountless screaming argonau...Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,Nine for Mortal M...Throw away documentation and manuals,and users will be a hundred times happier.Throw away privileges and quotas,a...Ticking away the moments that make up a dull dayFritter and waste the hours in an offhand wayKicking around on a ...Tiger got to hunt,Bird got to fly;Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"Tiger got to sleep,Bird got to land;...Tim and I a hunting wentWe found three damsels in a tent,As they were three, and we were two,I bucked one and Tim...Time goes, you say?Ah no!Time stays, *we* go. -- Austin DobsonTime washes cleanLove's wounds unseen.That's what someone told me;But I don't know what it means. -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"'Tis the dream of each programmer,Before his life is done,To write three lines of APL,And make the damn things run. To A Quick Young FoxWhy jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?Guy fed by w...to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and dayto make you like everybody elsemeans to...To code the impossible code, This is my quest --To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,To pop out of ...To err is human,To purr feline. -- Robert ByrneTo err is human, to purr feline.To err is human, two curs canine.To err is human, to moo bovine.To everything there is a season, a time for every pupose under heaven:A time to be born, and a time to die;A time...To stand and be still,At the Birkenhead drill,Is a damned tough bullet to chew. -- Rudyard KiplingTo whom the mornings are like nights,What must the midnights be! -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)To write a sonnet you must ruthlesslystrip down your words to naked, willing flesh.Then bind them to a metaphor o...Tobacco is a filthy weed,That from the devil does proceed;It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,And makes a chimney of your nose. -- B. WaterhouseToo cool to calypso,Too tough to tango,Too weird to watusi -- The Only OnesTroll sat alone on his seat of stone,And munched and mumbled a bare old bone;For many a year he had gnawed it nea...Try not.Do.Or do not.There is no try."Twas bergen and the eirie roadDid mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!All jersey were the ocea...'Twas brillig, and the slithy tovesDid gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!All mimsy were...'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokersDid buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!All rosy wer...Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes Did logzerneg the ifthen blockAll kludgy were the function flows And subroutines ...'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,...'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacksDid gyre and gimble in their caveAll mimsy was the CS-VAXAnd Cory raths outgrab...'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, Not a program was working not even a browse.The program...'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And throughout o...Twenty two thousand days.Twenty two thousand days.It's not a lot.It's all you've got.Twenty two thousand days. -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days" Two men looked out from the prison bars, One saw mud-- The other saw stars.Now let me get this right: two prison...Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?In the forests of the night, In what furnace wa...U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! Run right up and rub its horn. Look at all those points you're losing! UMBER HULKS are so confusing. -- The Roguelet's ABCUnder the wide and heavy VAXDig my grave and let me relaxLong have I lived, and many my hacksAnd I lay me down wi...Under the wide and starry sky,Dig my grave and let me lie,Glad did I live and gladly die,And laid me down with a ...Up against the net, redneck mother,Mother who has raised your son so well;He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...Upon the hearth the fire is red,Beneath the roof there is a bed;But not yet weary are our feet,Still round the co...Voiceless it cries,Wingless flutters,Toothless bites,Mouthless mutters.Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grimAnd earthquakes only terrify the dolts,And to him who's scientificThere is ...Wad some power the giftie gie usTo see oursels as others see us. -- R. BurnsWake now my merry lads! Wake and hear me calling!Warm now be heart and limb! The cold stone is fallen;Dark door...Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.Crush out ...Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.But then one day ...Was there a time when dancers with their fiddlesIn children's circuses could stay their troubles?There was a time...Watching girls go passing byIt ain't the latest thingI'm just standing in a doorwayI'm just trying to make some s...We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control. -- Pink FloydWe don't need no indirection We don't need no compilationWe don't need no flow control We don't need no load co...We gotta get out of this place,If it's the last thing we ever do. -- The Animalswe will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,we will cry over things we used to laugh &our new wisdo...We wish you a Hare KrishnaWe wish you a Hare KrishnaWe wish you a Hare KrishnaAnd a Sun Myung Moon! -- Maxwell SmartWe're happy little Vegemites, As bright as bright can be.We all all enjoy our Vegemite For breakfast, lunch and tea.We're Knights of the Round TableWe dance whene'er we're ableWe do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the...We've tried each spinning space moteAnd reckoned its true worth:Take us back again to the homes of menOn the cool...Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside!Th...Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,The headline screamed that I was still alive,I couldn't u...Well, fancy giving money to the Government!Might as well have put it down the drain.Fancy giving money to the Gov...Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come,I hope they comin' for me!And I don't know how they...Well, my daddy left home when I was three,And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,Just and old guitar an'a empty b...Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't ...Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,But I tak...Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,And we're loved everywhere we go.We sing about beauty, and...What awful irony is this?We are as gods, but know it not.What did ya do with your burden and your cross?Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?You and I know that a bur...What happens to a dream deferred?Does it dry upLike a raisin in the sun?Or fester like a sore --And then run?Does...What has roots as nobody sees,Is taller than trees,Up, up it goes,And yet never grows?What pains others pleasures me,At home am I in Lisp or C;There i couch in ecstasy,'Til debugger's poke i flee,Int...What segment's this, that, laid to restOn FHA0, is sleeping?What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acc...What we Are is God's gift to us.What we Become is our gift to God.What with chromodynamics and electroweak tooOur Standardized Model should please even you,Tho' once you did say t...What's love but a second-hand emotion? -- Tina TurnerWhat, still alive at twenty-two,A clean upstanding chap like you?Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,Slit your...When a lion meets another with a louder roar,the first lion thinks the last a bore. -- G.B. ShawWhen I think about myself,I almost laugh myself to death,My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in thes...When in panic, fear and doubt,Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.When in this world the headlines readOf those whose hearts are filled with greedWho rob and steal from those who ...When in trouble or in doubt,run in circles, scream and shout.When license fees are too high,users do things by hand.When the management is too intrusive,users lose their spir...When love is gone, there's always justice.And when justice is gone, there's always force.And when force is gone, there's always Mom.Hi, Mom! -- Laurie AndersonWhen my fist clenches crack it open,Before I use it and lose my cool.When I smile tell me some bad news,Before I ...When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast pointsAnd Oxygen still ...When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scot...When the Guru administers, the users are hardly aware that he exists.Next best is a sysop who is loved.Next, one ...When the leaders speak of peaceThe common folk knowThat war is comingWhen the leaders curse warThe mobilization o...When users see one GUI as beautiful,other user interfaces become ugly.When users see some programs as winners,oth...When you and I are far apartCan sorrow break your tender heart?I love you darling, yes I do;Sleep is so sweet whe...When you find yourself in danger,When you're threatened by a stranger,When it looks like you will take a lickin'....When you get what you want in your struggle for selfAnd the world makes you king for a day,Just go to a mirror an...When you meet a master swordsman,show him your sword.When you meet a man who is not a poet,do not show him your poem. -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen masterWhen you overesteem great hackers,more users become cretins.When you develop encryption,more users become cracker...When you're a YupYou're a Yup all the wayFrom your first slice of BrieTo your last Cabernet.When you're a YupYou'...When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,Wretched, bored, dejected; onlyHere's the rub, my darling dearI feel the s...Whenever Richard Cory went downtown, We people on the pavement looked at him:He was a gentleman from sole to crow...WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE Oh, dear, where can the matter be When it's converted to energy? There is a slight loss of parity. Johnny's so long at the fair.Where's the man could ease a heartLike a satin gown? -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"Where, oh, where, are you tonight?Why did you leave me here all alone?I searched the world over, and I thought I'...Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,Do not cease your single-handed struggle.Go on, do not rest. -- An old Gujarati hymnWhether you can hear it or not,The Universe is laughing behind your back. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,The fate of empires and the fall of kings;While quacks of State must...While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chambe...While walking down a crowdedCity street the other day,I heard a little urchinTo a comrade turn and say,"Say, Chim...Whip it, baby.Whip it right.Whip it, baby.Whip it all night!Who does not love wine, women, and song,Remains a fool his whole life long. -- Johann Heinrich VossWho loves not wisely but too wellWill look on Helen's face in hell,But he whose love is thin and wiseWill view John Knox in Paradise. -- Dorothy ParkerWho made the world I cannot tell;'Tis made, and here am I in hell.My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,I never soiled with such a deed. -- A.E. HousmanWho to himself is law no law doth need,offends no law, and is a king indeed. -- George ChapmanWhy are you watchingThe washing machine?I love entertainmentSo long as it's clean.Professor Doberman: While the p...With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about? -- Pink FloydWoke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beerThe future's un...Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw.Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore.Seems I'm not alone...Yea from the table of my memoryI'll wipe away all trivial fond records. -- HamletYes me, I got a bottle in front of me.And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.Just different ways to kill the pain the s...Yesterday upon the stairI met a man who wasn't there.He wasn't there again today --I think he's from the CIA."You are old, Father William," the young man said, "All your papers these days look the same;Those William's woul..."You are old, father William," the young man said, "And your hair has become very white;And yet you incessantly s..."You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers That your lectures bore people to death.Yet you talk at ..."You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak For anything tougher than suet;Yet you finished the go..."You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, And there isn't one language you like;Yet of useful ..."You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, And make errors few people could bear;You complain about e...You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end....You go down to the pickup station, craving warmth and beauty;You settle for less than fascination -- a few drinks...You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,And you know it don't come easy ...I don't ask for much, I...You know my heart keeps tellin' me,You're not a kid at thirty-three,You play around you lose your wife,You play t...You may be right, I may be crazy,But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for! -- Billy JoelYou will find me drinking ginIn the lowest kind of inn,Because I am a rigid Vegetarian. -- G.K. ChestertonYou'll always be,What you always were,Which has nothing to do with,All to do, with her. -- CompanyYour wise men don't know how it feelsTo be thick as a brick. -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"Your worship is your furnaceswhich, like old idols, lost obscenes,have molten bowels; your vision ismachines for making more machines. -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874Yours is not to reason why,Just to Sail Away.And when you find you have to throwYour Legacy away;Remember life as...We found you hidingWe found you lyingChoking on the dirt and sand.Your former gloriesAnd all the storiesDragged a...A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has n...A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed inthe fairway at a point equal to the di... A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one ofthe boys dropped his wallet into the water. Su...A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off thebeaten track when out of the bushes jumped th...A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soondiscovered that all his lines were hopeless...A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. -- Yogi BerraA putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as"you could blow it in" may be blown in. Thi... A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a huntercarrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in th... Accidentally Shot Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,in a singular manner. A ..."Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded toKansas City." -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd been traded.All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likelythan others. -- Alan TruscottAlthough golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants,today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. -- Dave BarryAlthough written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just beenreissued by the Grove Press, and this picto...Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and al...[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching. -- Tris Speaker, 1921Bill Dickey is learning me his experience. -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,is my choice for team captain. Cinc...Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the facultyplayed instead of the students, and... COONDOG MEMORY (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not...Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 Sept 28 Blind Academ...Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-whelming majority of the crowd present...Don't let go of what you've got hold of, until you have hold of something else. -- First Rule of Wing WalkingEasiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black.Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and ea...Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's bowling alley, and everyone'srolling strikes?Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. -- SnoopyFailed Attempts To Break Records In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to breakthe world shout...Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce a spectator tosit out in the open in subfreezing weather?Football combines the two worst features of American life.It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. -- Ge...Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets. -- Jimmy BreslinFortune finishes the great quotations, #15 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." And while you're...FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"Ru...From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds. -- Ad for the new VW CorradoGeorge's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Letme buy him from you," pleaded George ...Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish,and he'll invite himself over for dinner. -- Calvin KeeganGive me a fish and I will eat today.Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes usall go to Assateague, which is an isla...HARVARD:Quarterback: Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, witha record 86 attempts (th...Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. -- W. C. FieldsHow can you think and hit at the same time? -- Yogi BerraI always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's accomplishments.The front page has nothing but man's failures. -- Chief Justice Earl WarrenI believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else inthe world is fixed. -- Frank Deford, sports writerI can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. -- Florence HendersonI do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounterquick retribution. All will be suspended, ...I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never tooktime enough to figure out where the goal lin...I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought. -- D. CavettI just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field. -- Casey StengelI like your game but we have to change the rules.I never met a man I didn't want to fight. -- Lyle Alzado, professional football linemanI realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such asMartina Navratilova who can run like deer an...I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good thatit took seven others to beat him!I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,but a left-hander would be the thing if...I would rather say that a desire to drive fast sports cars is what setsman apart from the animals.I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want tothank everyone for making this night necessary. -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honorI'm glad we don't have to play in the shade. -- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees in the shade.I've only got 12 cards.If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.The law of gravity holds that any o...If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.If it has a good attitude, it will make a ...If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. -- Doug LarsonIf swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look theway they do? If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care ofeverything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up th...If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You'rethe sucker.If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards. -- Harry BlackstoneIf you're carrying a torch, put it down. The Olympics are over.In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the groundwith clubs and uttering spine chilling cri...In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it made the World Seriesjust something that came later. -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers ownerIt gets late early out there. -- Yogi BerraIt has long been known that one horse can run faster than another --but which one? Differences are crucial. -- Lazarus LongIt's like deja vu all over again. -- Yogi BerraIt's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game. -- Grantland RiceIt's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc...Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it. -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be moreimportant than something else. If what already...Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want usto pay income taxes, too? -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White SoxLove means nothing to a tennis player.Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,dating back to the time millions of years a...MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that it's two livesconnected by a thin strand.Come on, Mart...MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know mostof these sports are based on the idea o... Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max." [So is that punchline.]Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.My first baseman is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 PittsburghPirates team, which lost 112 games. After...My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world. -- Muhammad AliNadia Comaneci, simple perfection. -- '76 OlympicsNever play pool with anyone named "Fats".NEWS FLASH!!Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West German pole-vaultchampion.Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: you can winor you can lose or it can rain. -- Casey Stengel"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [thedog] is good for almost every kind of gam...On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at thesame moment -- halftime.Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, duringa portion of Beethovan's Ninth Symphon...One thought driven home is better than three left on base.One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where themaximum possible number of males can ge...P-K4Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984when he made the comment that earns him ...Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. -- Indiana University football cheerReporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is goin...Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,he might have lasted a long time and bec...Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. -- Heard on Noahs' arkSan Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean thepeople boo louder or longer, but there is...Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in aswank hotel in New York. Most of the maj...Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade. -- Leo DurocherSo I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. -- Yogi BerraSon, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on whichthe seal is not yet broken. And he is...Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard toshoot some craps. The stakes were enorm...Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Deanof Academics because he was concerned abou...That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallowsreturning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball. -- Bill VeeckThe duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off this amazing accomplishment, he asked ...The Fastest Defeat In Chess The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chessmaster. In Paris...The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if hewanted to hear a dumb-jock joke. "Hey,...The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of thebiblical miracles is the fact that most of ...THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was timeto hang up the cue. When he did, all the...The one sure way to make a lazy man look respectable is to put a fishingrod in his hand. The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're...The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batterswang and missed. The pitcher flang the bal...The real problem with hunting elephants is carrying the decoys.The surest way to remain a winner is to win once, and then not play any more.The University of California Bears announced the signing of ReggiePhilbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal nex...The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurablethat I assume it must be evil. -- Heywood BrounThe whole of life is futile unless you consider it as a sporting proposition.There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned...They also surf who only stand on waves.To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,call it the target.Trust everybody, but cut the cards. -- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy" Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a greatdeal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of themwhiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and s...We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh [Gibson]comes up in the last of the ninth wit...When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open andinside he could see neon, orange, and gre...When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars andthe hats turned down'll be there, but n...When in doubt, lead trump.Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing. -- Vince LombardiWoman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."A father doesn't destroy his children. -- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?", stardate 3468.1.A little suffering is good for the soul. -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on andlicks it, or he turns his back on it and starts...A princess should not be afraid -- not with a brave knight to protect her. -- McCoy, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.3A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, evenhis entire crew, rather than violate the Pri...A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without breathing. -- Kirk, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4A woman should have compassion. -- Kirk, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2Actual war is a very messy business. Very, very messy business. -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing,after all, as "wanting." It is not logical, ...Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars. -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3259.2Another Armenia, Belgium ... the weak innocents who always seem to belocated on a natural invasion route. -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.4Another dream that failed. There's nothing sadder. -- Kirk, "This side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3Another war ... must it always be so? How many comrades have we lostin this way? ... Obedience. Duty. Death, ...... bacteriological warfare ... hard to believe we were once foolishenough to play around with that. -- McCoy, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknownBeam me up, Scotty!Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here! "Beauty is transitory." "Beauty survives." -- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknownBehind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on. -- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3Blast medicine anyway! We've learned to tie into every organ in thehuman body but one. The brain! The brain is...Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!But it's real. And if it's real it can be affected ... we may not be ableto break it, but, I'll bet you credits..."Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away withjealousy, greed, hate ...""It can also be imp...Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...Change is the essential process of all existence. -- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", stardate 5730.2Compassion -- that's the one things no machine ever had. Maybe it'sthe one thing that keeps men ahead of them. ...Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish toserve under them. Captain, a starship also...Conquest is easy. Control is not. -- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror", stardate unknownDammit Jim, I'm an actor, not a doctor.Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing. -- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7Death. Destruction. Disease. Horror. That's what war is all about.That's what makes it a thing to be avoided....Deflector shields just came on, Captain.Do you know about being with somebody? Wanting to be? If I had thewhole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice. ...Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steerher by ..." You could feel the wind at your...[Doctors and Bartenders], We both get the same two kinds of customers-- the living and the dying. -- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknownEach kiss is as the first. -- Miramanee, Kirk's wife, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6EARL GREY PROFILESNAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle PicardOCCUPATION: Starship Big CheeseAGE: 94BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Ter...Earth -- mother of the most beautiful women in the universe. -- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1Either one of us, by himself, is expendable. Both of us are not. -- Kirk, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1Emotions are alien to me. I'm a scientist. -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3Even historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the same mistakes. -- John Gill, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7Every living thing wants to survive. -- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 "Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth." "Or by misleading the innocent." -- Spock and McCo...Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing. -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected. -- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude. -- Spock, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8First study the enemy. Seek weakness. -- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man. -- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown "... freedom ... is a worship word..." "It is our worship word too." -- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknownGenius doesn't work on an assembly line basis. You can't simply say,"Today I will be brilliant." -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 "Get back to your stations!" "We're beaming down to the planet, sir." -- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3Hailing frequencies open, Captain.He's dead, Jim. -- McCoy, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1History tends to exaggerate. -- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love). -- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar", stardate 5725.6I am pleased to see that we have differences. May we together becomegreater than the sum of both of us. -- Sura...I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer toany question. -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3I object to intellect without discipline; I object to power withoutconstructive purpose. -- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5I realize that command does have its fascination, even undercircumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the ... "I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now on warand death --" "And make them spend it on l...I thought my people would grow tired of killing. But you were right,they see it is easier than trading. And it ..."I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of the idea of a dooms...I'm a soldier, not a diplomat. I can only tell the truth. -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life. -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3I've already got a female to worry about. Her name is the Enterprise. -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd stilltend to protect that child. -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes. -- Kirk, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad. -- Commander Kor, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.7Immortality consists largely of boredom. -- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even vegetarians. -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4Insufficient facts always invite danger. -- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9Insults are effective only where emotion is present. -- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative. -- Kirk, "Obsession", stardate 3620.7Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure is in thelearning of each other? -- Natira, the Hig...Is truth not truth for all? -- Natira, "For the World is Hollow and I have Touched the Sky", stardate 5476.4.It [being a Vulcan] means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life which islogical and beneficial. We cannot disrega...It is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially ifthey're attractive in some way. -- McCoy, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six. -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3It is necessary to have purpose. -- Alice #1, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not hers. -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable. -- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.3It would be illogical to kill without reason. -- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted. -- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5 "It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor felt cando so much harm." "That's true. But an i...Killing is stupid; useless! -- McCoy, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8Killing is wrong. -- Losira, "That Which Survives", stardate unknownKirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!100% Damage to life support!!!!Knowledge, sir, should be free to all! -- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3Landru! Guide us! -- A Beta 3-oid, "The Return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge. -- Kirk, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 "Life and death are seldom logical." "But attaining a desired goal always is." -- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2821.7Live long and prosper. -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7 "Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here." "You admit that?" "To deny the facts would be illog...Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes. -- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknownLove sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice. -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3220.3Madness has no purpose. Or reason. But it may have a goal. -- Spock, "The Alternative Factor", stardate 3088.7Many Myths are based on truth -- Spock, "The Way to Eden", stardate 5832.3Men of peace usually are [brave]. -- Spock, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5Men will always be men -- no matter where they are. -- Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1329.8Military secrets are the most fleeting of all. -- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.4Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.Most legends have their basis in facts. -- Kirk, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5Murder is contrary to the laws of man and God. -- M-5 Computer, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3No more blah, blah, blah! -- Kirk, "Miri", stardate 2713.6No one can guarantee the actions of another. -- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknownNo one may kill a man. Not for any purpose. It cannot be condoned. -- Kirk, "Spock's Brain", stardate 5431.6 "No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war." "He talks of peace if it is the only way to live....No one wants war. -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7No problem is insoluble. -- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4Not one hundred percent efficient, of course ... but nothing ever is. -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8Oblivion together does not frighten me, beloved. -- Thalassa (in Anne Mulhall's body), "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4770.3.Oh, that sound of male ego. You travel halfway across the galaxy andit's still the same song. -- Eve McHuron, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1On my planet, to rest is to rest -- to cease using energy. To me, itis quite illogical to run up and down on gre...One does not thank logic. -- Sarek, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask foradvice without necessarily having to take it. -- Kirk, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.2Only a fool fights in a burning house. -- Kank the Klingon, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknownOur missions are peaceful -- not for conquest. When we do battle, itis only because we have no choice. -- Kirk, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5Our way is peace. -- Septimus, the Son Worshiper, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4040.7.Pain is a thing of the mind. The mind can be controlled. -- Spock, "Operation -- Annihilate!" stardate 3287.2Peace was the way. -- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknownPhasers locked on target, Captain.Power is danger. -- The Centurion, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2Prepare for tomorrow -- get ready. -- Edith Keeler, "The City On the Edge of Forever", stardate unknownPunishment becomes ineffective after a certain point. Men become insensitive. -- Eneg, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7Respect is a rational process -- McCoy, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3Romulan women are not like Vulcan females. We are not dedicated topure logic and the sterility of non-emotion. ...Schshschshchsch. -- The Gorn, "Arena", stardate 3046.2She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!Sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on. -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor. -- Dr. Phillip Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown.Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.Its five-year mission: to explore st...Spock: The odds of surviving another attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.Star Trek Lives!Suffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie. -- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3142.8Superior ability breeds superior ambition. -- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9 "That unit is a woman." "A mass of conflicting impulses." -- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. -- Scotty "The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile." "Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'a...The face of war has never changed. Surely it is more logical to healthan to kill. -- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5The games have always strengthened us. Death becomes a familiarpattern. We don't fear it as you do. -- Procons... "The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity." "And in the way our differences combine to create meaning ...The heart is not a logical organ. -- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4The idea of male and female are universal constants. -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8The joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her. -- Spock, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5842.8The man on tops walks a lonely street; the "chain" of command is often a noose.The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play. -- Kirk, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.8The only solution is ... a balance of power. We arm our side with exactlythat much more. A balance of power -- ...The people of Gideon have always believed that life is sacred. Thatthe love of life is the greatest gift ... We ...... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when they getto know each other. -- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5 "The release of emotion is what keeps us health. Emotionally healthy." "That may be, Doctor. However, I have n...The sight of death frightens them [Earthers]. -- Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last. -- Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, thethe miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances...There are always alternatives. -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3There are certain things men must do to remain men. -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4929.4There are some things worth dying for. -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7There comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to face.... One day our minds became so powerful w...There is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. -- Spock, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9There is an old custom among my people. When a woman saves a man'slife, he is grateful. -- Nona, the Kanuto wit...There is an order of things in this universe. -- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1There's a way out of any cage. -- Captain Christopher Pike, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown.There's another way to survive. Mutual trust -- and help. -- Kirk, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknownThere's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy. There isnothing good in war. Except its ending. --...There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion]. It's just anotherlife form, that's all. You get used to th... "There's only one kind of woman ..." "Or man, for that matter. You either believe in yourself or you don't." -...This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- yourealize humans are overly preoccupied with the s...Those who hate and fight must stop themselves -- otherwise it is not stopped. -- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknownTime is fluid ... like a river with currents, eddies, backwash. -- Spock, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0To live is always desirable. -- Eleen the Capellan, "Friday's Child", stardate 3498.9Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing. -- Kirk, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6Totally illogical, there was no chance. -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3Uncontrolled power will turn even saints into savages. And we can allbe counted on to live down to our lowest im...Violence in reality is quite different from theory. -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4Virtue is a relative term. -- Spock, "Friday's Child", stardate 3499.1Vulcans believe peace should not depend on force. -- Amanda, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.3Vulcans do not approve of violence. -- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4Vulcans never bluff. -- Spock, "The Doomsday Machine", stardate 4202.1Vulcans worship peace above all. -- McCoy, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3Wait! You have not been prepared! -- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate 3113.2War is never imperative. -- McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2War isn't a good life, but it's life. -- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8[War] is instinctive. But the instinct can be fought. We're humanbeings with the blood of a million savage year...Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.We do not colonize. We conquer. We rule. There is no other way for us. -- Rojan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4657.5We fight only when there is no other choice. We prefer the ways ofpeaceful contact. -- Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun", stardate 4385.3We have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of superiordevelopment. -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3211.7We have phasers, I vote we blast 'em! -- Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.2 "We have the right to survive!" "Not by killing others." -- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die. Only the strongshould live. -- Kras, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!We're all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine.But when it comes to your job -- that's diff...Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either. "What happened to the crewman?" "The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely got inthe way." ...What kind of love is that? Not to be loved; never to have shown love. -- Commissioner Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 "What terrible way to die." "There are no good ways." -- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknownWhen a child is taught ... its programmed with simple instructions --and at some point, if its mind develops prop...When dreams become more important than reality, you give up travel,building, creating; you even forget how to rep...Where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence. -- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1Witch! Witch! They'll burn ya! -- Hag, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate unknownWithout facts, the decision cannot be made logically. You must rely onyour human intuition. -- Spock, "Assignment: Earth", stardate unknownWithout followers, evil cannot spread. -- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5Without freedom of choice there is no creativity. -- Kirk, "The return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4Women are more easily and more deeply terrified ... generating moresheer horror than the male of the species. -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4Women professionals do tend to over-compensate. -- Dr. Elizabeth Dehaver, "Where No Man Has Gone Before", stardate 1312.9.Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a woman. -- Kirk, "The Conscience of the King", stardate 2818.9Yes, it is written. Good shall always destroy evil. -- Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknownYou are an excellent tactician, Captain. You let your second incommand attack while you sit and watch for weakne...You can't evaluate a man by logic alone. -- McCoy, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; I've got to have thirty minutes!You Earth people glorified organized violence for forty centuries. Butyou imprison those who employ it privately...You go slow, be gentle. It's no one-way street -- you know how youfeel and that's all. It's how the girl feels ...You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude. "You'rewelcome," I believe, is the correct response. -- Spock, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4041.2You say you are lying. But if everything you say is a lie, then you aretelling the truth. You cannot tell the t...You speak of courage. Obviously you do not know the difference betweencourage and foolhardiness. Always it is t...You! What PLANET is this! -- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're supposedto be. Caring for each other, being happy ...You're dead, Jim. -- McCoy, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7You're dead, Jim. -- McCoy, "The Tholian Web", stardate unknownYou're too beautiful to ignore. Too much woman. -- Kirk to Yeoman Rand, "The Enemy Within", stardate unknownYouth doesn't excuse everything. -- Dr. Janice Lester (in Kirk's body), "Turnabout Intruder", stardate 5928.5.There's coffee in that nebula! -- Capt. Kathryn Janeway, Star Trek: Voyager, "The Cloud"Dismissed. That's a Star Fleet expression for, "Get out." -- Capt. Kathryn Janeway, Star Trek: Voyager, "The Cloud"A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.He was something of an animist, howeve...Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.Ego sum ens omnipotens.Hodie natus est radici frater.[ Unto the root is born a brother ]Honi soit la vache qui rit.Klatu barada nikto.Mieux vaut tard que jamais![ Better late than never ]Quid me anxius sum?[ What? Me, worry? ]semper en excretusSEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!![ Always wear underwater ]sillema sillema nika suTout choses sont dites deja, mais comme personne n'ecoute, il fauttoujours recommencer. -- A. Gide[ All things h...(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.(2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts....A clash of doctrine is not a disaster -- it is an opportunity.A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at sucha speed, if feels an impulsion... this is ...A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance. -- Stanislaw LemA fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer shouldbe shot on sight. Cassandra did not ge...A halted retreatIs nerve-wracking and dangerous.To retain people as men -- and maidservantsBrings good fortune.A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. Ibelieve everything positively stinks. -- Lew ColA man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." -- Stephen CraneA master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk. "It is right before your eyes," said the m...A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out onloan," the teacher replied. At that mome...A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reaso...A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.If they be not inhabited, what a waste ...A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a propervocation?" The Master replied, "Some men can ...A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowingthat every action of such an enlightened...Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ? -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"All hope abandon, ye who enter here! -- Dante AlighieriAll men know the utility of useful things;but they do not know the utility of futility. -- Chuang-tzuAll of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of aZen-like detachment, as exemplified by his co...An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyeswe cannot bear to look out of, we blind ...An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see agreat number of teachers and I have given up a grea...And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until thehour of separation. -- Kahlil GibranAnyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in thisbig field of rye and all. Thousands of l... Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zenpreaching to a group of disciples. "Words..." Ke...Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what'sincomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here." -- Muad'dib, "Dune"As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to graspthe meaning of existence. Both make one fee...At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and allmy soul. At flood tide I returned to r...At the end of your life there'll be a good rest, and no further activitiesare scheduled.At the foot of the mountain, thunder:The image of Providing Nourishment.Thus the superior man is careful of his wordsAnd temperate in eating and drinking.Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God. -- Jean Anouilh Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents ...Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want toknow the answers. -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is nowiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred. -- The MahabharataBy protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. -- Titus Lucretius CarusCatharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles. -- Howard ChaykinCertainly the game is rigged.Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win. -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. -- Anatole France Chapter 1The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lotof people very angry... "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which way Iought to go from here?" "That depends a good ...Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. -- HerodotusCoincidences are spiritual puns. -- G.K. ChestertonDeath is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind. -- Erma BombeckDeath is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -- R. GeisDeath is Nature's way of recycling human beings.Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.Death is only a state of mind.Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't helpthe rabbit. -- R.E. ShayDestiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,don't call it destiny; call it injustic...Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. -- Chinese proverbDitat Deus. [God enriches]Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome yourobstacles. Think of the fox prowling thr...Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes deatha fulfillment. -- Dag HammarskjoldDo not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.Do what you can to prolong your life, in the hope that someday you'lllearn what it's for. "Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!" -- Calvin and HobbsDo your part to help preserve life on Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.Don't abandon hope. Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.Don't go to bed with no price on your head. -- BarettaDon't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. -- Paul Tillich, German theologian.Down with categorical imperative!Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fateand captain of your soul.During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a fair wind; battendown during a storm; hail all passing ships; and fly your colors proudly.Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to havenothing whatever to do with it. -- W. Somerset Maughm, his last wordsDying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. -- Woody AllenEach man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.Each of us bears his own Hell. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. -- Groucho Marx's last wordsEven the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspectthat life is no farce; that it is not gent...Every person, all the events in your life are there because you havedrawn them there. What you choose to do with...Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.Everything in this book may be wrong. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced SoulEverything is possible. Pass the word. -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last. -- Marcus AureliusExpansion means complexity; and complexity decay.Facts are the enemy of truth. -- Don QuixoteFain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. -- Sir Walter RaleighFaith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.Faith is under the left nipple. -- Martin LutherFill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches. -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter."I" do not matter. No word matters. But...For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.For good, return good.For evil, return justice.For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much indespairing of life as in hoping for another...For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!Force has no place where there is need of skill. -- HerodotusFORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2 Never goose a wolverine.FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first. -- Bertolt BrechtGenerally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death. -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645Getting into trouble is easy. -- D. Winkel and F. ProsserGetting there is only half as far as getting there and back.Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief. -- William FaulknerGod grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage tochange the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions. -- De CaussadeGod is the tangential point between zero and infinity. -- Alfred JarryGod made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. -- Paul ValeryGood-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. -- George Saunders' dying wordsGoodbye, cool world.Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.Great acts are made up of small deeds. -- Lao Tsu**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICEFor those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. Tired ofbeing g...Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. -- Ogden NashHappiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. -- Oscar LevantHaving the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods. -- SocratesHe has shown you, o man, what is good. And what does the Lord ask of you,but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly before your God?He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow. -- Sir Richard BurtonHe that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book. -- B. FranklinHe thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more thanthree hundred years ago. "What is the 'Bo...He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes forthe human condition is a fool. -- Albert CamusHe who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.He who knows not and knows not that he knows...He who knows nothing, knows nothing.But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.And he who knows someone wh...He who knows others is wise.He who knows himself is enlightened. -- Lao TsuHe who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. -- Lao TsuHe who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. -- Lao Tsu ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neitherdoes he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil...Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:if you're alive, it isn't.How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all ourthoughts are a dream; or whether we are awak...I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. -- William Allen WhiteI didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see whyI should have to believe in it in this one. -- Strange de JimI do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, orwhether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. -- Chuang-tzuI do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.I ask nothing but sincerity. If they co..."I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that veryreason it is called Supreme Enlightenment." -- Gotama BuddhaI hate dying. -- Dave JohnsonI have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. -- A. R. LongworthI have often regretted my speech, never my silence. -- Publilius SyrusI have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"I hope you're not pretending to be evil while secretly being good.That would be dishonest.I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or aliving death? -- St. Augustine "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral ofthat is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if...If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really aguru at all? -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism. -- Friedrich NietzscheIf a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose hisreverence for all of life. -- Albert SchweitzerIf I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I ...If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. Iwould relax, I would limber up, I would...If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green womenyou've got in the house. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"If men are not afraid to die,it is of no avail to threaten them with death.If men live in constant fear of dying,...If something has not yet gone wrong then it would ultimately have beenbeneficial for it to go wrong.If the master dies and the disciple grieves, the lives of both havebeen wasted.If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. -- Anatole FranceIf there is a possibility of several things going wrong,the one that will cause the most damage will be the one t...If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairingof life as in hoping for another lif...If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.If we don't survive, we don't do anything else. -- John SinclairIf you are not for yourself, who will be for you?If you are for yourself, then what are you?If not now, when?If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.If you find a solution and become attached to it, the solution may becomeyour next problem.If you fool around with something long enough, it will eventually break.If you have to hate, hate gently.If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat. -- Simone de BeauvoirIf you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. -- MaslowIf you put it off long enough, it might go away.If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having done its damage.If it was bad, it will be back.If you want divine justice, die. -- Nick SeldonIf your aim in life is nothing, you can't miss.If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you dohave a problem. -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"Illusion is the first of all pleasures. -- VoltaireImmortality -- a fate worse than death. -- Edgar A. ShoaffIn dwelling, be close to the land.In meditation, delve deep into the heart.In dealing with others, be gentle and ...In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;you're what's left.In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.It is not always an easy sacrifice.In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. -- Ann FrankIn the long run we are all dead. -- John Maynard KeynesIn the next world, you're on your own.Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rende...Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better. -- Edgar W. HoweIntellect annuls Fate.So far as a man thinks, he is free. -- Ralph Waldo EmersonIt does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it islightly greased. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,that makes life blessed. -- GoetheIt is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we liveat all. And often enough our faith before...It is only with the heart one can see clearly; what is essential isinvisible to the eye. -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowlyant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle?It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in thedevil when he is the only explanation of it. -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, worksand has his being. -- Thomas CarlyleIt will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is onthe wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. -- WashleskyIt's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are. -- Stirling MossIt's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. "It's today!" said Piglet. "My favorite day," said Pooh.It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never know when everything maysuddenly stop happening.Joshu: What is the true Way?Nansen: Every way is the true Way.J: Can I study it?N: The more you study, the furthe...Just remember, wherever you go, there you are. -- Buckaroo BonzaiKindness is the beginning of cruelty. -- Muad'dib [Frank Herbert, "Dune"]Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness. -- James ThurberLife can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.Life exists for no known purpose.Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing. -- Helen KellerLife is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. -- C. SchultzLife is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. -- Tom LehrerLife is the childhood of our immortality. -- GoetheLife is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do. -- Joseph PintauroLife is the urge to ecstasy.Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, it may have a meaning of whichyou disapprove.Life only demands from you the strength you possess.Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away. -- Dag HammarskjoldLife sucks, but death doesn't put out at all. -- Thomas J. KoppLike, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,if I'm not like fer anyone else, then ...Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say ispublished around the world -- even if what is published is n...Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat like having beeslive in your head. But, there they are.Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, andlong were the nights of aloneness; and who can depar...Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical momentwhere everything is reversed, after which ...Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked himhow he could so freely contradict this... Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do,and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. ...Murphy was an optimist.Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. -- Lao TsuMy religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superiorspirit who reveals himself in the slight d...My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. -- Christopher MorleyNasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said"My master is out." Nasrudin replied, ...Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagersgathered around to hear what had pas...Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to servehim. Nasrudin said, "First things first....Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more usefulthan the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the light more."Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and...Ninety percent of everything is crap. -- Theodore SturgeonNinety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.The other ten percent of the time yo...No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of theContinent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee ...No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".No use getting too involved in life -- you're only here for a limited time.Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.Nonsense and beauty have close connections. -- E.M. ForsterNormal times may possibly be over forever.Not every question deserves an answer.Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.Nothing is as simple as it seems at first Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle Or as finished as it seems in the end.Nothing is but what is not.Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. -- Michel de MontaigneNothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. -- Arthur BalfourOf all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:to know so much and have control over nothing. -- HerodotusOnce the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in. -- H.R. Haldeman Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a greatcrystal river. Each creature in its own mann...Once you've tried to change the world you find it's a whole bunch easierto change your mind. One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reachedan enlightened state. Much impressed by this new...One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell thetruth. A gallows was erected in front o...One learns to itch where one can scratch. -- Ernest BramahOne meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How will itlive?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, I'll tell you."Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. -- Baba Ram DassOnly those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy aboutcan be busy about that which the masses take leisurely. -- Lao TsuParadise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better. -- Laurie AndersonPerfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, butwhen there is no longer anything to take away. -- Antoine de Saint-ExuperyPerhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. -- John KeatsPush where it gives and scratch where it itches.Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.Reality does not exist -- yet.Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? -- Patrick SkyReality is for people who lack imagination.Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. -- Alvy Ray SmithReality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. -- Lily Tomlin"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away". -- Philip K. DickRemember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping overthe first one. -- ConfusionRule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.Seeing is believing. You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,having nothing to do with good or bad, ...So little time, so little to do. -- Oscar LevantSometimes even to live is an act of courage. -- SenecaSometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is byno means the only 'certain' standard. If...Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;The deed there is, but no doer thereof;Nirvana is, but no one is seeking ...Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goesa-begging. -- Martin LutherTake your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way toyour execution is not generally understood...That that is is that that is not is not.That, that is, is.That, that is not, is not.That, that is, is not that, that is not.That, that is not, is not that, that is.The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. -- A. CamusThe best you get is an even break. -- Franklin Adams"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain." -- G. FitchThe chief cause of problems is solutions. -- Eric SevareidThe chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions. -- Alfred AdlerThe days are all empty and the nights are unreal.The door is the key.The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,the mind is a menace to wisdom, every o...The farther you go, the less you know. -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions. -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"The first requisite for immortality is death. -- Stanislaw LemThe greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. -- SophoclesThe longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. -- Marcus Terentius VarroThe major sin is the sin of being born. -- Samuel BeckettThe mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injusticeand tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the e...The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves androbbers there will be. -- Lao TsuThe more you complain, the longer God lets you live.The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpablynot true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. -- H.L. MenckenThe only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.The highest reason, however, I see in the ...The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,and the pessimist knows it. -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speakingalmost gently. The optimist proclaims tha...The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases:"Let our thoughts be correct". -- ConfuciusThe price of success in philosophy is triviality. -- C. Glymour.The questions remain the same. The answers are eternally variable.The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, butthat's the way to bet. -- Damon RunyonThe root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits,but not when it misses. -- Francis BaconThe savior becomes the victim.The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin. -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great heightbut just above the ground. It seems more...The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. -- Oscar WildeThe truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. -- Lenny BruceThe truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it. -- Stanley KubrickThe truth you speak has no past and no future. It is, and that's all itneeds to be.The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.It is not reality, although you can express ...There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. -- Baba Ram DassThere are no winners in life, only survivors.There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process ofdiscovering them over and over and over. -- David NicholsThere is more to life than increasing its speed. -- Mahatma GandhiThere is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering. -- CatoThere is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval. -- George SantayanaThere is no sin but ignorance. -- Christopher MarloweThere is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," saida monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasr...There's only one everything.To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.To give happiness is to deserve happiness.To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.To have died once is enough. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)To lead people, you must follow behind. -- Lao TsuTruth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always. -- Albert SchweitzerTruth is hard to find and harder to obscure.Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominyof him that brought her birth. -- MiltonTwo men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said,"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand ...Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,with all due respect for their breakfast. "...Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. -- EuripidesWe can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. -- YatesWe have nowhere else to go... this is all we have. -- Margaret MeadWe have only two things to worry about: That things will never getback to normal, and that they already have.We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place. -- John BerrymanWe rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,content with his life, can retire from the w...We're all in this alone. -- Lily TomlinWe're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --but those are only handicaps. Our pride is..."We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world isweird because if you're not bored with it... Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplinesof Science seemed to offer much hope, it's...Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are. -- Buckaroo Banzai"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is nowiser, but an intelligent man requires on...What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. -- NietzscheWhat makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothingto compare it with.What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? -- Ursula K. LeGuinWhat we Are is God's gift to us.What we Become is our gift to God.Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. -- Friedrich NietzscheWhatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. -- GandhiWhen it's dark enough you can see the stars. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson,When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that ismetaphysics. -- VoltaireWhen the wind is great, bow before it;when the wind is heavy, yield to it.When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or latersomething marvelous is going to happen, th...When you die, you lose a very important part of your life. -- Brooke ShieldsWho does not trust enough will not be trusted. -- Lao TsuWisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. -- J. Winter SmithWisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those layinghold of her, making happy each one holding her fast. -- Proverbs 3:18, NSVWith listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, and philosophy begins in wonder. -- Socrates, quoting Plato [Huh? That's like Johnson quoting Boswell] Work Hard. Rock Hard. Eat Hard. Sleep Hard. Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em. -- The Webb Wilder CredoYes, but which self do you want to be?You are never given a wish without also being given thepower to make it true. You may have to work for it, howev...You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. -- Tim LearyYou can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. -- Jeannette RankinYou can observe a lot just by watching. -- Yogi BerraYou can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.You can't get there from here.You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.You can't push on a string.You can't run away forever,But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start. -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through""You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten." -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and Over and Over"You can't take it with you -- especially when crossing a state line.You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roadslead down. -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead. -- Lois PlatfordYou have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster. -- Lewis Carroll "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat youany old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, ...You will always find something in the last place you look."You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seemsof momentous occasion should be dwel...Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Beingtrue to anyone else or anything else is not...Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.Your wig steers the gig. -- Lord BuckleyYou may be marching to the beat of a different drummer, but you'restill in the parade.The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -- Muriel RukeyserFreedom is what you do with what's been done to you. -- Jean-Paul SartreThere is a secret person undamaged within every individual. -- Paul ShepardWe are governed not by armies and police but by ideas. -- Mona Caird, 1892The first rule of all intelligent tinkering is to keep all the parts. -- Aldo Leopold, quoted in Donald Wurster's "Nature's Economy"You must be the change you wish to see in the world. --Mahatma GandhiNo people are all bad, just as none are all good.Tecumseh, (Shawnee) to his nephew Spemica Lawba 1790My reason tells me that land cannot be sold - nothing can be sold butsuch things as can be carried away. Black Hawk, (Saulk)Sell a country! Why not sell the air, the great sea, as well as theearth? Did not the Great Spirit make them all ...Free yourself from negative influence. Negative thoughts are the oldhabits that gnaw at the roots of the soul.Moses Shongo, (Seneca)...everything on this earth has a purpose, every disease an herb to cureit, and every person a mission. This is t..."Der bestirnte Himmel über mir und das moralische Gesetz in mir"that is"The starry sky above me, and the Moral La...The words fly away, the writings remain.I am what you will be; I was what you are.The people rule.Perhaps the remembrance of these things will prove a source of futurepleasure. -- Virgil(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the furniture, shelves, and showcases.(2) Each day fill la...(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regul...A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather andask for it back the when it begins to rain. -- Robert FrostA boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as wellas afterward.A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator. -- Paul ValeryA committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. -- Milton BerleA committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering theseed from which other committees will bloom. -- ParkinsonA commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. -- R. StallmanA company is known by the men it keeps.A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time itis, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. -- DyerA cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encasedin untanned leather and mounted on four ...A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at fortym.p.h., he looks out his car window and s...A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. -- Robert BenchleyA good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods whilethe policeman searches you.A man is known by the company he organizes. -- Ambrose BierceA meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. -- Dean AchesonA motion to adjourn is always in order.A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.Anyone who has been putting off work until th...A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for granite.... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it youwere a High-Class Realtor and if you h...A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with threewooden legs executing a magnificent seri...A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. -- Samuel GoldwynAbout the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. -- Herbert HooverAccording to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is somethingeveryone should do at least 6 times a...According to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of theearlier reports.Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapestway of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. -- Sinclair LewisAdvertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. -- George OrwellAdvertising may be described as the science of arresting the humanintelligence long enough to get money from it.After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of themonth than you did before.All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too,provided you use them for business purpos...All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collarcrime? Who enjoys his job today? Yo...All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun.Money's just the way we keep score. -- Henry TyroonAll warranty and guarantee clauses become null and void upon payment of invoice.America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employeesbe honest and hardworking. It has even...An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director'schance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the t...Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. -- Robert BenchleyAnyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. -- Publius SyrusAnyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none.Anything free is worth what you pay for it.Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means theprice went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLET..."At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents"At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. -- Peter G. AlaquonAt work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to thenumber of pens that person is carrying.Be sociable. Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.Been Transferred Lately?... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speechor my silence, indeed any action of min...Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of HudsonBay, left a monument that neither government ...Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rathera new wearer of clothes. -- Henry David ThoreauBiz is better.Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit.General: What does that make YOU?Bullwinkle: What else? An executive. -- Jay WardBusiness is a good game -- lots of competition and minimum of rules.You keep score with money. -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of AtariBusiness will be either better or worse. -- Calvin Coolidge"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations' paws."But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was abrilliant inventor despite the fact t... By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those inthe South, were of the present standard gauge. T...By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to beboss and work twelve. -- Robert FrostCan anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun.Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.Carefully planned projects take fou...Chairman of the Bored.Column 1 Column 2 Column 30. integrated 0. management 0. options1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility2. ...Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have tobe appointed to do the work.Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye ofthe beholder. -- Dr. Laurence J. PeterCompetitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courageand zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough. -- Gene Scott... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in thisbusiness, it probably would be gibberish. -- Thom McLeod"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability tostick to one thing till it gets there. -- Josh BillingsConsultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and thengive it back to them.Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man. -- James BlishDealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve.Success is also easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year. -- C.N. ParkinsonDear Lord: I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "Onthe other hand", again.Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-...Despite all appearances, your boss is a thinking, feeling, human being. "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" "I've never done anything illeg...Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat. -- Ambrose BierceDon't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. -- James J. Ling"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where toget more wax!!"Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.Drilling for oil is boring.Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. "Ever since they threatened to fire me."Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell youjust how busy they are?Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought titanium."Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95."Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is. -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run fasterthan the fastest lion or it will be kill..."Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of therichest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work" -- Robert OrbenEvery successful person has had failures but repeated failure is noguarantee of eventual success.Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money isthe best one. -- Jack HurleyEverybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan thatcalled for a small employee contribution. The...Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. -- Arthur MillerEveryone who comes in here wants three things: (1) They want it quick. (2) They want it good. (3) They want it ch...Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. -- MillerExcerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and acustomer working for a well-known military-aff...Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to dothe work. -- John G. Pollard Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than thehumorous ... After [an incomprehensible film m...Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.Fast, cheap, good: pick two.Fear is the greatest salesman. -- Robert KleinFeel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions, right here!For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out. -- Andy CappGenius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. -- Thomas Alva EdisonGenius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.Corollary: Following the rules will not get the job done."Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around,I'd rather lie around. No contest." -- Eric ClaptonGod help those who do not help themselves. -- Wilson MiznerGod helps them that help themselves. -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanac"Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. -- R.E. SchenkHappiness is a positive cash flow.Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? -- Charlie McCarthyHave you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you`there's a time for work and a time for play' never find the time for play?He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. -- BionHe who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance."Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; fromPresidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..." "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?" -- Sam GiancanaHideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse? WE CAN HELP!Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.Hire the morally handicapped. Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's willing topay higher prices for the convenience of bein...Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. -- PlatoHonesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. -- F.M. HubbardHotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and theyhad towels from my house. -- Mark GuidoHow come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as theyclaim they'll make you? "How many people work here?" "Oh, about half."Human resources are human first, and resources second. -- J. Garbers"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powderhave included encapsulated time released cat...I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel onthe same day. Then that night, they burned...I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; If it be man's work I will do it.I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted whenit has been used to commit a murder. -- M. GallaherI don't do it for the money. -- Donald Trump, Art of the DealI don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for twohighly trained certified public accountants. -- Elvis PresleyI don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieveimmortality through not dying. -- Woody Allen I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and theaccompanying promises that this would in no way impr...I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. -- H.L. MenckenI have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. -- Oscar WildeI have ways of making money that you know nothing of. -- John D. RockefellerI just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do? -- Raoul DukeI just need enough to tide me over until I need more. -- Bill HoestI like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something fornothing. I gave them nothing for something. -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" WeilI owe the public nothing. -- J.P. MorganI was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathin...I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spendingtheir lives doing things they detest to make...I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.I'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost. -- David RockefellerI've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock. -- Henny YoungmanI: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money.II:...If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he hadlost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. -- G.K. ChestertonIf a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for. -- W.C. FieldsIf all else fails, lower your standards.If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, therebetter be no trade. A trade by which...If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There'sgot to be a better way. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I couldwork for with a great deal of enjoyment. -- Douglas JerroldIf it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we wouldall be millionaires. -- Abigail Van BurenIf what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them todo something else. -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. Quit work and playfor once!If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are realgood, you will get out of it.If you are over 80 years old and accompanied by your parents, we willcash your check.If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;over 80 you are neglecting your golf. -- Walter HagenIf you aren't rich you should always look useful. -- Louis-Ferdinand CelineIf you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. -- J. Paul GettyIf you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.If you didn't have to work so hard, you'd have more time to be depressed.If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.If you don't have time to do it right, where are you going to find the timeto do it over?If you fail to plan, plan to fail.If you had better tools, you could more effectively demonstrate yourtotal incompetence.If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't ahype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype. -- Neil BogartIf you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers. -- Swami PrabhupadaIf you suspect a man, don't employ him.If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of carpayments. -- Earl WilsonIf you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gaveit to. -- Dorthy ParkerIf you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some. -- Ben Franklin If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairsaround your home are too difficult to tackle. So...Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.Corresponding errors will show up in th...In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. Thecreator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...in time every post tends to be occupi...In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it andmake it better.In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours. -- Dr. Laurence J. PeterIn order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north standsa smart manager. 100 feet to the so...Innovation is hard to schedule. -- Dan FylstraInsanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when thesalesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.It is better to live rich than to die rich. -- Samuel JohnsonIt is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency towardthe vividly imaginative. For although it...It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty ofwork to do. -- Jerome Klapka JeromeIt is much harder to find a job than to keep one.It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail. -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's [Also attributed ...It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eatrat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'...It's a poor workman who blames his tools.It's been a business doing pleasure with you.It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! -- Macy'sIt's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground. -- Daniel B. LutenIt's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for theventure capitalist to suck your eyeballs...Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.Keep your Eye on the Ball,Your Shoulder to the Wheel,Your Nose to the Grindstone,Your Feet on the Ground,Your Hea...Lavish spending can be disastrous. Don't buy any lavishes for a while.Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just anumber. Youre two numbers, a dash, three m...Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. -- Josh BillingsLiving on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free triparound the Sun.Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools. -- Henry David ThoreauLoan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At theseinterest rates, we don't need it."Lonesome?Like a change?Like a new job?Like excitement?Like to meet new and interesting people?JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,con-men. That's the way businesses get s...Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. -- Frank HubbardLove may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags. -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet. -- P.E. TrudeauMake headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--no dog exchanges bones with another. -- Adam SmithMan must shape his tools lest they shape him. -- Arthur R. MillerManagement: How many feet do mice have?Reply: Mice have four feet.M: Elaborate!R: Mice have five appendages, and...Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.Mater artium necessitas. [Necessity is the mother of invention].Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. -- Malcolm SmithMaybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active. -- Leonardo da VinciMen take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities. -- Napoleon BonaparteMen's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, andit has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if...Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended tocorrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed ...Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable whileyou're being miserable. -- C.B. LuceMoney can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. -- Christopher MarloweMoney cannot buy love, nor even friendship.Money doesn't talk, it swears. -- Bob DylanMoney is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.Money is its own reward.Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.Money is the root of all wealth.Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. -- Lazarus LongMoney isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next. -- Sir Edmond StockdaleMoney may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.Moneyliness is next to Godliness. -- Andries van DamMost people will listen to your unreasonable demands, if you'll considertheir unacceptable offer.Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo. -- Xaviera Hollander [The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. -- Errol FlynnAny man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. -- Errol Flynn"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessityis the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth. -- Alfred North WhiteheadNeckties strangle clear thinking. -- Lin YutangNever appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. -- Lazarus LongNever ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discussthe one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.Never buy from a rich salesman. -- GoldensternNever buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. -- Thomas JeffersonNever call a man a fool. Borrow from him.Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. -- Billy RoseNever keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. -- Quentin CrispNever let someone who says it cannot be done interrupt the person who isdoing it.Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they willsurprise you with their ingenuity. -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.Never trust anyone who says money is no object.Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board ofdirectors unanimously rejected the $11 billion tak...Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothingelse to try. If they work, they go in the...No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a camel --anything as practical and as perfectl..."No job too big; no fee too big!" -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"No one gets sick on Wednesdays.No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. -- C. SchulzNo problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.No skis take rocks like rental skis!No spitting on the Bus!Thank you, The Mgt.None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessaryto get rid of a man as soon as he th...Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. -- A.H. WeilerNothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionairestolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. -- Nero WolfeNothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss put in an honest day's work.Nothing recedes like success. -- Walter WinchellNothing succeeds like excess. -- Oscar WildeNothing succeeds like success. -- Alexandre DumasNothing succeeds like the appearance of success. -- Christopher LasclNothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. -- Kim HubbardNothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be firstovercome. -- Dr. Johnson Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home toolsets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go t...Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, thereaction that will occur is the one which will l...Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to sweep it up, package it,and sell it as fertilizer. One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,and drove off along the route. No problems...One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as oneman would have produced alone. These tw...One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of athief who was to be executed. As he was...One possible reason that things aren't going according to planis that there never was a plan in the first place.One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you couldmanufacture personal air bags, then get a ...One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model.Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don'trecognize them.Optimism is the content of small men in high places. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you.I should have no hesitation in sacri...Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits. -- Robert Louis StevensonOur country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble isthey charge fifteen cents for them.Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton IndustriesOverdrawn? But I still have checks left!Owe no man any thing... -- Romans 13:8People are always available for work in the past tense.People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here," absolvesthem utterly from any moral obligation ...People will buy anything that's one to a customer.Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"until you are told that those rooms are "p... Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness t...Porsche: there simply is no substitute. -- Risky BusinessPossessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. -- RyanPractical people would be more practical if they would take a littlemore time for dreaming. -- J. P. McEvoyPromise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.Put your best foot forward. Or just call in and say you're sick.Put your Nose to the Grindstone! -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.Real wealth can only increase. -- R. Buckminster FullerReceiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better thanbeing flat broke and having a stomach ache. -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"Recent investments will yield a slight profit.Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Manis being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator. -- C.N. ParkinsonRegardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, administrativeoverhead continues to grow at a steady rate.Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.Remember to say hello to your bank teller.Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", youactually have a shot at it.Riches cover a multitude of woes. -- MenanderRule #7: Silence is not acquiescence. Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is not necess...Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll besurprised at how little you have. -- Ernest HaskinsSears has everything.Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully."An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd ...Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a bigstore where a do-it-yourselfer could ge...Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playinggolf with his boss.So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked whatis the root of money? -- Ayn RandSo... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they go to work?Some people carve careers, others chisel them.Some people have a great ambition: to build somethingthat will last, at least until they've finished building it.Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote thebook or even what book.Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say arear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best. -- P.J. O'RourkeSomebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that thepens will multiply instead of disappear.Someday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the machine,or the person who operates it.Someday your prints will come. -- KodakSomeone is unenthusiastic about your work.Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then namesthe streets after them. -- Bill VaughnSuccess is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.Support your local church or synagogue. Worship at Bank of America.Surprise due today. Also the rent.Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves. -- Lazarus LongTake everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were contentto sit back and make the same old carbonated beve...Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of yourmerit or hard work or because God or chan...Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do nottake what happens either to yourself or your work seriously. -- Booth TarkingtonTalent does what it can.Genius does what it must.You do what you get paid to do.Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer beforeyou look it up, you can eventually reaffirm...Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work,work till we die. -- C.S. LewisThat's life. What's life?A magazine. How much does it cost?Two-fifty. I only have a dollar.That's life.The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded bypeople who want some. -- Dwight MacDonaldThe `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,for he seems to be passing a critical j...The absent ones are always at fault.The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now insession. Our Achievement Awards this ...The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is... Four day work week, Two ply toilet paper!The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything wasreleased with the kind permission of...The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pullinga dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.However, your neighbor is always wasting money...The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to dowhat he wants done, and self-restraint en...The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.The best things in life are for a fee.The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."The Bible on letters of reference: Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Dowe, like some p...The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are working forsomeone else. The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staffin to listen to a couple of jokes he had p...The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get upin the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a jobapplication form. -- Stanley J. RandallThe confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.The degree of technical confidence is inversely proportional to thelevel of management.The departing division general manager met a last time with his youngsuccessor and gave him three envelopes. "My...The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in lateand owns the worm farm. -- Travis McGeeThe easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income andadd ten percent.The end of labor is to gain leisure.The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute forexperience, while the error of age is to be...The faster I go, the behinder I get. -- Lewis CarrollThe finest eloquence is that which gets things done.The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes theother 90% of the time.The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth ofmanagement is that success equals skill. -- Robert HellerThe first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack." -- H.L. MenckenThe first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. -- Paul ErlichThe flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. -- Alan CoultThe gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.The greatest productive force is human selfishness. -- Robert HeinleinThe hardest part of climbing the ladder of success is getting throughthe crowd at the bottom.The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian pa...The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronicdevices, such as television sets and VCR's, ...The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex,no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife. -- Harry V. WadeThe idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an importantpoint to the consumer in this day when indivi...The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of thenumber of participants. -- Adam WalinskyThe IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group dividedby the number of people in the group.The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:King: "How goes the battle plan?"Advisor: "See those l...The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible foreverything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.The longer the title, the less important the job.The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the bonds willeventually mature.The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their endswithout any means. -- Saul AlinskyThe meek don't want it.The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights. -- J.P. GettyThe meek shall inherit the Earth. (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that time there won't beanything left worth inheriting.The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that thecompetition already has the order.The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (Forinstance, The Murphy Center for Codific...The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage inthe country is the one on which you resell it. -- J. BrecheuxThe most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and towatch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. -- T.H. WhiteThe one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stopand take a rest.The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is tobe avoided at all costs and there is never...The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber hasalready been cut and attached together...The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get upuntil 5 or 6 PM.The optimum committee has no members. -- Norman AugustineThe opulence of the front office door varies inversely with the fundamentalsolvency of the firm.The other line moves faster.The person who can smile when something goes wrong has thought ofsomeone to blame it on.The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it. -- Anthony BurgessThe price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimateknowledge of its ugly side. -- James BaldwinThe primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expiredwarranty. Often, you can get an appliance run...The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, butnot the problem we thought was the problem. -- Mike SmithThe reason why worry kills more people than work is that more peopleworry than work.The reward for working hard is more hard work.The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. -- EmersonThe rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.The haves get more, the have-nots die.The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and caredfor not by our labor agitators, but by th...The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay theexpense of it. -- Josh BillingsThe salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a marketaward for achievement. It is frequentl...The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've gotit made. -- Jean GiraudouxThe seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectabilityand children. Nothing can lift thos...The shortest distance between two points is under construction. -- Noelie AlitoThe sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will beable to correct them. -- NicolaidesThe star of riches is shining upon you.The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understandswhat will sell. -- ConfuciusThe term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly sceneof shooting employees who make mistake...The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will bein inverse proportion to the sum involved. -- C.N. ParkinsonThe trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. JonesThe trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing moreimportant to do.The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobodyappreciates how difficult it was.The trouble with money is it costs too much!The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work. -- Herbert V. ProchnowThe trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. -- Lily TomlinThe two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." -- Dorothy ParkerThe use of money is all the advantage there is to having money. -- B. FranklinThe wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.The wages of sin are unreported.The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to startwith a large fortune.The Worst Car Hire Service When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreckas a joke. Being a...Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... and you'd betternot refuse.Them as has, gets. Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of theJorda...Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case ofTates brand compasses for his troup; only ...There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things breakabout even for all of us. I have observ...There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an eveningwith an insurance salesman? -- Woody AllenThere has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange. -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 (Black Tuesday)There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capitaland labour. As matters stand, their onl...There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can not make a littleworse and sell a little cheaper.There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over."There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low incomeparents' lives a misery.""... I want...There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do itreluctantly. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says"Yes" you know he is crooked. -- Groucho MarxThere is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.There must be more to life than having everything. -- Maurice Sendak There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money bygoing from house to house offering to do odd jobs...There's no such thing as a free lunch. -- Milton FriendmanThere's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clausessmoking in the men's room. -- W. Bossert They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or evendrugs can buy the most in effort out of th...Things worth having are worth cheating for.Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish. -- Darrell RoyalThis is a good time to punt work.This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, becausethe Reagan administration, as part of...This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most ofthe people living on it were unhappy for p...This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!Those who claim the dead never return to life haven't ever been aroundhere at quitting time.Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoidedat all costs. -- N. Alexander.Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend. -- TheophrastusTime to take stock. Go home with some office supplies.To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. -- Elbert HubbardTo be or not to be, that is the bottom line.To do nothing is to be nothing.To do two things at once is to do neither. -- Publilius SyrusTo get back on your feet, miss two car payments.To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than threepersons, two of them absent.To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland. -- Jack PaarTo save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longestand cost the most.To stay youthful, stay useful.To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.To thine own self be true. (If not that, at least make some money.)To understand this important story, you have to understand how the telephonecompany works. Your telephone is con...Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seemmore afraid of life than death. -- James F. ByrnesToo much is not enough.Too much of everything is just enough. -- Bob WierTruth is free, but information costs.Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. -- Howard KandelVeni, Vidi, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in aninfinitely large Universe, such as the one in ...Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better.VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So...Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously movingfrom where you left them to where you can't find them. WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:Firings will continue until morale improves.Waste not, get your budget cut next year.We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. -- Decimus Junius JuvenalisWe are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one. -- John Fisher We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly whyyou are so tired. There are not as many people..."We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we callfree enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but ...We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night,we'd bark ourselves. -- Crazy JimmyWe're living in a golden age. All you need is gold. -- D.W. Robertson.Weekend, where are you?What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot bebroken down into subjects and predicates. Th...What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.What they said: What they meant:"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever." (Yes, that about ...What they said: What they meant:"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as muchof him as ...What they said: What they meant:"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you." (We certainly never s...What they say: What they mean:A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.Developed after ...What they say: What they mean:New Different colors from previous version.All New Not compatible with prev...What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobodyreally understands anyway, is a new c...Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down. -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoonWhen a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him--that's where the money is. -- RobespierreWhen a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing,"it's the money. -- Kim HubbardWhen all else fails, read the instructions.When I works, I works hard.When I sits, I sits easy.And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. -- James H. BorenWhen it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not tomake a decision.When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: forevery week you're away and get nothing don...When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talkingabout themselves. When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend."Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for ca...When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. -- The Wall Street JournalWhen your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. -- Henry J. KaiserWhere there's a will, there's a relative.Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your ownform of misery.While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. -- Thomas TusserWhoever dies with the most toys wins.Why be a man when you can be a success? -- Bertolt BrechtWill you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!Wishing without work is like fishing without bait. -- Frank TygerWork expands to fill the time available. -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or nearthe earth's surface relative to other matt...Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life. -- SchulzWork smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.Work without a vision is slavery, Vision without work is a pipe dream,But vision with work is the hope of the world.XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth coul...XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets.XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite...XLVII: Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other third is covered with auditors from he...XVI: In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one aircraft. This aircraft will have to be ...XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buyin...XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster...XXXI: The optimum committee has no members.XXXII: Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means...XXXVI: The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar contract is about one millimeter per m...Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably stillbe a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. -- SnoopyYou are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is rightand the budget is big enough. -- Joseph E. LevineYou can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. -- Norman DouglasYou knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred. -- SuperchickenYou know, the difference between this company and the Titanic is that theTitanic had paying customers.You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you.I should have no hesitation in sacrific...YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I t...A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filledwith LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampledby an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, growa LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ... Although I don't know WHY!!All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?Am I elected yet?Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?Am I SHOPLIFTING?America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING intoyour void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind ...An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDOMONTALBAN'S HAIR!Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?Are we live or on tape?Are we on STRIKE yet?Are we THERE yet?Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!!BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MYWAY" I've ever heard!!Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...Bo Derek ruined my life!Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!But they went to MARS around 1953!!But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger!CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!!Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS! Remember the SERIALNUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!! Have a ...CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments aboutDIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRONi ... The waitress's UNIFORM shedsTARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ...Could I have a drug overdose?Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations ina MALIBU HOT TUB?Did I do an INCORRECT THING??Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus???Did I SELL OUT yet??Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline runningstraight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the dollar!Do I have a lifestyle yet?Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"?Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days?Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!!Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!Don't SANFORIZE me!!Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ...FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER...Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!!Everybody gets free BORSCHT!Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale or adisaster Movie!!Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ...Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival ofOFFSET PRINTING?FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the facultydining room.First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ... Sojust plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in mygothic solarium!!FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ...FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make mysatellite dish PAYMENTS!Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ...Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!!GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to mypet LEISURE SUIT!!HAIR TONICS, please!!Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for today!Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ... Now, it'stime to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him --He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside melike a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or ...HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan females!!Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINESbeing almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! World War III? No thanks!Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess ...Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample bottles ...Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGANanywhere!!Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment?Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!!Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like somedrunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by aTROLLEY-CAR ...Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a desertedisland, when ...Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGETFIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ...Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYLCHLORIDE ...Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ...HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!How do I get HOME?How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? It's th' MOUSTACHE... Have you ever noticed th' way it r...How many retured bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCILSHARPENERS right NOW??How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism?hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ...I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?I am NOT a nut....I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!!I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! I wonder if BOBGUCCIONE has these problems!I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape ofLITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ...I demand IMPUNITY!I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO!I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all justa BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more numbers!!... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS inmy rear molars ...... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!I feel ... JUGULAR ...I feel better about world problems now!I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV ...I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!I feel partially hydrogenated!I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the "WATCHTOWER"and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ... They look NICE in the yard ...I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ...I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...I had pancake makeup for brunch!I have a TINY BOWL in my HEADI have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you.I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!I have accepted Provolone into my life!I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...-- I have seen the FUN --I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read theINSTRUCTIONS ...I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS becausemy viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!!I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counselingevery day from Oral Roberts!!I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ...I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to live!!I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ...I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half your lifesavings in yeast!!I invented skydiving in 1989!I joined scientology at a garage sale!!I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he is ...I just had a NOSE JOB!!I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touchwith my LEISURE SUIT!!I just remembered something about a TOAD!I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAWon the SIDE?I Know A Joke!!I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!I like the way ONLY their mouths move ... They look like DYING OYSTERSI like your SNOOPY POSTER!!-- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going awaynow. I fed the cat.I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in1965!!I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio SLEAZEBALLS!!I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROLlegislation...I represent a sardine!!I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!... I see TOILET SEATS ...I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"!I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few commonMISAPPREHENSIONS ...I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW whilereading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!I think my career is ruined!I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGHRADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!I want a WESSON OIL lease!!I want another RE-WRITE on my CEASAR SALAD!!I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!!... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed withinSIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINEand WHEAT THINS ...I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!... I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ...I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY... BACKWARDS!!I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming information like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with me --I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETESTRANGER?I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE --I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ...I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in BrittanyI'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!!I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCOMIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"!I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!I'm definitely not in Omaha!I'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under thisminiature DOMED STADIUM ...I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late...I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGSI'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!!I'm having an emotional outburst!!I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE inmy PAJAMA POCKET??I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug andwealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOMof a KOSHER DELI --I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.I'm into SOFTWARE!I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into myPERSONAL SPACE!!I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead? Where's RODSTERLING when you really need him?I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!I'm not available for comment..I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly??I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDOMONTALBAN!I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wifeand two children stand QUIETLY BY ...I'm rated PG-34!!I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! Equip me with MISSILES!!I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do the Latin Hustle now!I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!!I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM... I'm VIBRATORY ...I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generatedIMAGE FORMATIONS ...I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN ...I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNERWORKINGS of this POTATO!!I'm wearing PAMPERS!!I'm wet! I'm wild!I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS!I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget yourSOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande imantiken Rom ... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich riechePIZZA ...If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD forMONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of aGREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old houseboy ...If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will bereplaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!!If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "ContinentalBelt," for $10.99!!In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!Inside, I'm already SOBBING!Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? Or are we suffering in Safeway?Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders?? Is the FROGhis GUIDELIGHT?? It is curious that a DOG runs already on the ESCALATOR ...Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in onewild afternoon??Is it clean in other dimensions?Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in aplate of SAUCE MORNAY?Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"?Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?Is this TERMINAL fun?Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which alsomakes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?Isn't this my STOP?!It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages from DAVID LETTERMAN!!YOW!!It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!?It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!!It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRAin the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's makingFRENCH TOAST!It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their levelof COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ...Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ...Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can becarried too FAR!Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA,PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ... um ... um ... th' washing machineis a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a SCARLETROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS ...Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ...Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!!Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or aHIGHBALL?? ...Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock ofSeagulls" HAIRCUTS!Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in acheap hotel in HONOLULU!Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION! Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with theshreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!! I'm...Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production ofthe INDONESIAN archipelago?My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZEFUNCTION and full kitchen!!My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New York!!My EARS are GONE!!My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!!My haircut is totally traditional!MY income is ALL disposable!My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ...My life is a patio of fun!My mind is a potato field ...My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ...My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...My NOSE is NUMB!... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!!My vaseline is RUNNING...NANCY!! Why is everything RED?!NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!! They're VOIDED -- TheyCOLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had ...NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!!Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ... in PAIN!!!Now I am depressed ...Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUSTBEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"!Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with theBROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World War II!Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives ofHOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CA...Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTINGand REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!Oh, I get it!! "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY??Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FORDEAD CAT LOVERS" ...OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPEDR.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of JELL-Oand a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop t...On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGISPHILBIN ... It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUALQUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!!On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT.Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family ofDEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTYVALUES!!Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHIONstatements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 19...One FISHWICH coming up!!ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.ONE: I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to the downtown PLASMA CENTER ...TWO: I won't S...... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last Tuesday?Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at thistable will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and EN...over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ...OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE and BEYOND REPAIR!!PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your BOOTH!PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.People humiliating a salami!PIZZA!!Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in theTrianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!!Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!!PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!!Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!RELATIVES!!Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by prescription!!RHAPSODY in Glue!SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes,starring JANE FONDA!!Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA94140, USASHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS intoempty OIL DRUMS ...Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a VASECTOMY??Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIKhair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?Sign my PETITION.So this is what it feels like to be potato saladSo, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILLINDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will ...Someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIANSometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!!Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up abatch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave itto Beaver"!Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?TAILFINS!! ... click ... Talking Pinhead Blues:Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel TWENTY-SIX!!Th'HO...TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the "WashCycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me toMinnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOULThank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worththe whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --and have since BIRTH!!The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down mySPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeuedOYSTER! Yum!The Korean War must have been fun.... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!!The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!! But they went to MARSaround 1953!!The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ...There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERSin a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni! "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" "The...These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teenappeal!This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!!"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG." -- Bob ViolenceThis is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed upagainst someone's MARTINI!!... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!!This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE istalking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ...Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORDSWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for theaesthetic modules --Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTERbefore his MAKEOVER!Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ...Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leaderfrolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!UH-OH!! I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" bymistake!!!UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having aNERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha.Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED!Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction??Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!!We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub ...We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --We just joined the civil hair patrol!We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home.45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. IHATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. ...Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way toVICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES ROOM ...Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR!Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!!What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ...What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?What PROGRAM are they watching?What UNIVERSE is this, please??What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP orDETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it ...When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ...When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANINGBILL ... Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED...Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?Where does it go when you flush?Where's SANDY DUNCAN?Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!!While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuitpriests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ... hiswill have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"!WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must be theNEGATIVE IONS!!Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??Why don't you ever enter any CONTESTS, Marvin?? Don't you know yourown ZIPCODE?Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENTCENTER with you??Will it improve my CASH FLOW?Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air?Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?With YOU, I can be MYSELF ... We don't NEED Dan Rather ...World War III? No thanks!World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code!Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"!Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRONMAIDEN concert?You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th'distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW CAREER!!You were s'posed to laugh!YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIANDOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!!Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mentalattitudes!Yow!Yow! Am I having fun yet?Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!Yow! Are we laid back yet?Yow! Are we wet yet?Yow! Are you the self-frying president?Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??Yow! I just went below the poverty line!Yow! I threw up on my window!Yow! I want my nose in lights!Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!Yow! I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel mill!Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof?Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping!Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY --Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLINGBALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!Yow! Now we can become alcoholics!Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!Yow! We're going to a new disco!YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM laws!!YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth ofCHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!YOW!!! I am having fun!!!Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...Good luck on your travels. You're going to need it. Badly. -Charlie SheenSorry man, didn't make the rules. -Charlie SheenI embarrassed him in front of his children and the world. -Charlie SheenI've got magic. I've got poetry at my fingertips. -Charlie SheenMistook this rockstar, bro. -Charlie SheenThe only thing I'm addicted to right now is winning. -Charlie SheenI'm not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy. -Charlie SheenMy success rate is 100 percent. Do the math. -Charlie SheenI'm so tired of pretending my life isn't perfect and bitchin'. -Charlie SheenImagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists. -Charlie SheenHere's your first pee test. The next one goes in your mouth. No, you won't get high. -Charlie SheenThe scoreboard doesn't lie. Never has. -Charlie SheenI am battle-tested bayonets bro. -Charlie SheenWhere there were four, there are now three. -Charlie SheenJust sit back and enjoy the show. -Charlie SheenI have real fame. They have nothing. -Charlie SheenBring me a challenge. Somebody. -Charlie SheenPure and complete gnarly-isms. -Charlie SheenThere's my life. Deal with it. Oh, wait, can't process it? LOSERS. -Charlie SheenA lot of people think Major League's called Wild Thing. As they should. -Charlie SheenWhy give an interview when you can leave a warning? -Charlie SheenThere's a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins. -Charlie SheenWe work for the pope. -Charlie SheenGnarly gnarlingtons. -Charlie SheenI am special, and I will never be one of you. -Charlie SheenThere are parts of me that are Dennis Hopper. -Charlie SheenI don't live in the middle anymore. That's where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen. -Charlie SheenThought you were messing with one dude? Sorry. -Charlie SheenWINNING. -Charlie SheenWINNING. -Charlie SheenI'm going to hang out with these two smoooooking hotties and fly privately around the world. -Charlie SheenIt might be lonely up here but I sure like the view. -Charlie SheenI'm done. It's on. Bring it. -Charlie SheenI wanted to watch Jaws on the ocean in the dark and be afraid. -Charlie SheenThis guy's got more notches on his belt than Black Bart. -Charlie SheenThis is me not on drugs bro. -Charlie SheenThe first one's free. The next one goes in your mouth. -Charlie SheenThis contaminated little maggot can't handle my power. -Charlie SheenClearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words. -Charlie SheenI closed my eyes and in a nanosecond I cured myself. -Charlie SheenQuit hiding dude. It's embarrassing. Next subject. -Charlie SheenIt's funny how sheep rhymes with sleep. -Charlie SheenBull S-H-I-T. -Charlie SheenI've spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold. -Charlie SheenYou've been warned dude. Bring it. -Charlie SheenApocalypse Now will teach you how to live inside of a moment between a moment. -Charlie SheenI have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain. -Charlie SheenIf you're a part of my family, I will love you violently. -Charlie SheenI look at the game of baseball and I'm reminded of a quote that I wrote. -Charlie SheenThey couldn't extinguish my pilot light. And that was a mistake. -Charlie SheenI'm 45, I've got five kids, and I've been dumped on for too long. -Charlie SheenOne of my favorite poets is Eminem. -Charlie SheenLet's hook up and just bring fiery death. -Charlie SheenWatch me bury you. -Charlie SheenI don't sleep. I wait. -Charlie SheenLet's talk about something exciting. Me. -Charlie SheenEverybody has a black belt and carries a gun. I don't mess with people. -Charlie SheenI'm rolling out magic, bro. -Charlie SheenTouch my children and I will eat your hands off your arms. -Charlie SheenGo back to the troll hole where you came from. -Charlie SheenI'm just giving them what I guess they want, I just don't know if they can handle it. Pussies. -Charlie SheenI guess I'm just that goddamn bitchin'. -Charlie SheenWe're Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? -Charlie SheenMost of the time- and this includes naps- I'm an F-18. -Charlie SheenI don't know, winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. -Charlie SheenI have one speed. I have one gear. Go. -Charlie SheenI dare you to keep up with me. -Charlie SheenI am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. -Charlie SheenI'm an F-18 bro. -Charlie SheenThe run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger and Richards look like droopy-eyed armless children. -Charlie SheenYour face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. -Charlie SheenYou should have read the directions before you showed up at the party. -Charlie SheenI've got tiger blood, man. -Charlie SheenYour face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. -Charlie SheenI may forget about them tomorrow, but they'll live with that memory for the rest of their lives. And that's a gift. -Charlie SheenI was banging seven gram rocks and finishing them. Because that's how I roll. -Charlie SheenI have a different constitution. -Charlie SheenI use a blender. I use a vacuum cleaner. -Charlie SheenI'm bi-winning. I win here, and I win there. -Charlie SheenWhat's the cure? Medicine? -Charlie SheenYou borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like 'Dude, can't handle it. Unplug this bastard. -Charlie SheenBasically they strapped on their diapers. -Charlie SheenI exposed people to magic. -Charlie SheenShut up. Stop. Move forward. -Charlie SheenWow. What does that mean. -Charlie SheenResentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my sabre. -Charlie SheenI'm tired of pretending I'm not a total, bitchin' rock star from Mars. -Charlie SheenDrug tests don't lie. -Charlie SheenIt's a war. And it's on. -Charlie SheenSorry my life is so much more bitchin' than yours. I planned it that way. -Charlie SheenI take great umbrage with that. -Charlie SheenI don't have burnout in my gear box. -Charlie SheenI'm just going to sail across the winds of the universe with my goddesses. -Charlie SheenThat was the America I was raised in. -Charlie SheenIf people could just read behind the hieroglyphic. -Charlie SheenI don't think people are ready for the message I'm delivering. -Charlie SheenThey picked a fight with a warlock. -Charlie SheenFaith is for winners. Hope is for losers. -Charlie SheenClearly he didn't bring gum for everyone. -Charlie SheenI'm going to win every moment. -Charlie SheenThat's the code. And we all live by it. -Charlie SheenHere's your cold coffee. Buh-bye. -Charlie SheenSurprise. That's what winners do. -Charlie SheenI can't make up a hernia. That's just lame. -Charlie SheenIt's a three-letter word. It rhymes with why. -Charlie SheenMy conduct is bitchin'. -Charlie SheenCome on bro, I won best picture at 20. -Charlie SheenYour perimeter's been breached. You got work to do bro. -Charlie SheenIt was so gnarly I can't remember. -Charlie SheenI'm not recovering like some pussy. -Charlie SheenRock bottom? That's a fishing term. -Charlie SheenI'm a grandiose life, and I'm embracing it. -Charlie SheenCan't is the cancer of happen. -Charlie SheenDying is for fools. Amateurs. -Charlie SheenWhen I'm fighting a war there's no room for sensitivity. -Charlie SheenIf you can bring me a souvenir from that moment when your father locked you in the closet, then bring it to me. -Charlie SheenShe was attacking me with a small fork. -Charlie SheenWhat was she doing with a shrimp fork in her purse? -Charlie SheenI'm still alive, which is pretty cool. -Charlie SheenWomen are not to be hit. They are to be hugged and caressed. -Charlie SheenI have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a seven-year-old. -Charlie SheenGet over here and enjoy the ride, bro. We're starting to win. -Charlie SheenI'm not taking it. I had to pay for it. -Charlie SheenVintage balderdash. -Charlie SheenI've been a veteran of the unspeakable. -Charlie SheenI literally woke up and it was Christmas. -Charlie SheenIt's been a tsunami. And I've been riding it on a mercury surfboard. -Charlie SheenWe're on a rocket ship to the moon some nights. -Charlie SheenI don't understand what I did wrong except live a life that everyone is jealous of. -Charlie SheenDuh, WINNING. -Charlie SheenPark your nonsense. -Charlie SheenDon't live in the middle. -Charlie SheenAdonis DNA. -Charlie SheenWe're shaking the tree. We're shaking all the trees. -Charlie SheenI am grandiose. Because I live a grandiose life. -Charlie SheenCelebrate this movement. -Charlie SheenGet a job, anyone? -Charlie SheenYou can't process me with a normal brain. -Charlie SheenI've got tiger blood and Adonis DNA, -Charlie SheenYou've been given magic. You've been given gold. -Charlie SheenBi-polar? The Earth is bi-polar. -Charlie SheenDamn, I didn't take care of myself. Again. -Charlie SheenI just want to hug him and rub his head. -Charlie SheenI'm an exciting client. -Charlie SheenWhat's not to love? -Charlie SheenI'm alive. Bring it. -Charlie SheenLook at these sad trolls. -Charlie SheenI'm a peaceful man with bad intentions. -Charlie SheenSorry Middle America. -Charlie SheenWho wants to deal with all the small talk? -Charlie SheenReally dude? Really? -Charlie SheenThe last time I used? What do you mean? I used my toaster this morning. -Charlie SheenHey kids. Your Dad's a rockstar. -Charlie SheenEverything. Next question. -Charlie SheenCan I have one part of my life that isn't TMZ'd up the butt? -Charlie SheenWe need his wisdom and his bitchin'-ness. -Charlie SheenWork fuels the soul. -Charlie SheenWinning. Everyday. -Charlie SheenAdd some gold. -Charlie SheenChange your brain. -Charlie SheenPeople can't figure me out. They can't process me. I don't expect them to. -Charlie SheenThey can't hang with me. Their bones would melt like wax. -Charlie SheenI'm not 'aw shucks'. Because I'm gnarly. -Charlie SheenGot to dismiss these clowns. -Charlie SheenI'm on a quest to claim absolute victory on every front. -Charlie SheenTeamwork. Bang. -Charlie SheenThe wildfires are spreading. The meek are scattering. -Charlie SheenThey hate themselves first. -Charlie SheenBiggest star in the world. -Charlie SheenI'm living inside the truth. And the truth doesn't change. -Charlie SheenHe has no salt in his soul. -Charlie SheenC'mon. The guy wears corduroys. -Charlie SheenI honorably pass that torch to these young geniuses. -Charlie SheenChange the channel. I dare you. -Charlie SheenI've been blessed with a new brain. -Charlie SheenIt's about winning. Sorry. -Charlie SheenBitchin' focus. -Charlie SheenGet back in the game dude. -Charlie SheenGet the cancer out of the mix. -Charlie SheenGnarly you are not. -Charlie SheenOf course you're gnarly. You're talking to me. -Charlie SheenWow. That's epic. -Charlie SheenThat just flew out. That was a pretty good one. -Charlie SheenI'm an F-18 bro. -Charlie Sheen